The Face In The Mirror (5 page)

I never knew, really realized, how much I’d missed Renie being in my life
until I walked into the chapel the evening of the wake. She’d left a huge hole
behind that I wondered if I’d ever be able to fill, but I didn’t know how deep
the hole really was until that night.

She was tall and the years hadn’t allowed her to grow old; she evolved.
‘Voluptuous’ is an old word, in my opinion. No one says, ‘Oh, she’s
voluptuous’. They now use words like ‘stacked,’ ‘built,’ and ‘hot’, and Renie was
all of those things. She was the most beautiful woman I’d ever known, and
since I was eighteen, the only woman I’d ever loved.

The hair that used to hang down the middle of her back, that I once ran
my fingers through, was shoulder length now. She’d filled out in ‘all the right
places’. I thought of a conversation her dad had with me when we first started
dating, and I smiled. As soon as she looked up and saw me, I saw the spark in
her eyes that had been ignited so long ago, and I prayed.

She’d broken my heart into a million pieces, but I didn’t’ dwell on that hurt
because I knew my own heart. I’d never fallen out of love with her.
I knew she wasn’t married. Before Granny passed away, my mom had let
me know what was going on in Renie’s life. There were times that it hurt so
much to hear what she was doing, accomplishing, and achieving without me
that I wanted to ask Mom not to tell me, but the reality was that I wanted to
know. I wished and hoped that one day I could tell her that I was proud of the
woman she’d become. But my biggest wish was that she would someday
remember what we’d shared.

The night we shared together after the wake was incredible. She was a
willing partner – she wanted me as badly as I wanted her. I needed to know
what happened to us and why, but I also knew her well enough to know that
she’d open up eventually. I knew after all these years what I wanted. I still
wanted Renie.

We’re older now. We aren’t the young, passionate couple in love with being
in love. Renee’s thirty-five and I’m knocking on forty. This was different, but I
knew - with no reservations - where my heart was.

When I went with her to the attorney’s office, I’d hoped to provide moral
support. I saw the look on Midge’s face when we walked in, but what I noticed
more was the smile that Renie tried to hide, the blush of pink that graced her
cheeks. She was glad I was with her, and I was happier than I could have ever
imagined.

When I went home with her that night, it was for comfort. I’d be there at
Granny’s if she needed me. I wouldn’t let her be alone. Midge encouraged it,
and Renie agreed. I think I was just happy being that close to her again. I
wanted to ask a million questions about her, about us, but I knew her ways.
Baby steps. So I patiently waited, and slowly she began to open up.

When she asked if I would join her to go to her mom’s to get things
rolling, I wasn’t sure what she really wanted. I knew she didn’t want to go
alone, but I really didn’t know why me? Midge would have helped, I knew she
had friends, but she’d chosen me and I was going to make her tell me why. I
needed her to tell me where we were going. She’d said the reason she’d walked
away was because we were ‘young,’ and that school and our careers kept us
apart, but there had to be more.

I wouldn’t say we were dating, but I looked forward to any time she shared
with me. I wanted to be with her. I admit that I was hesitant. I didn’t want her
to walk away again, but it felt like my heart kept pulling me toward her. And I
was going to give my heart a chance.

“I need to know Renie. Why me?” I asked as we drove toward her mom’s.
“Why you what?” she asked innocently, but she knew. I cocked my head to
look at her and she squirmed a little. I saw her wring her hands and take a deep
breath.
“Since you came back, I’ve realized some important things. Things about
you, as well as myself.” I saw her inhale a gulp of air before continuing. “I
realized that I haven’t really lived these few last years. I only existed. Something
major in my life was missing, and I knew all along it was you. I was too afraid
to reach out to you. I was afraid you’d reject me after the way I pushed you out
of my life. But you came back.”
“I thought about our time apart. I never really moved on because I didn’t
want to. I compared every man I met to you, and none of them measured up,
Mitchell. I’d had an incredible man and I threw him away.
“I think back about how easy my dad made it for me to just leave to ‘focus
on school,’ ‘get your career on track and then you can settle down’. I didn’t
realize how often he encouraged that. Even after I’d completed the Master’s
program, he pushed and pushed for me to go on, ‘follow in the family
footsteps,’ but that was where I was finally able to stand up to him. I didn’t
want to be a lawyer.”
“But for us it was too late. I’d already destroyed what we shared. If I’d
made any attempt to see you or talk to you and you hadn’t been receptive, I
don’t know what I would have done.”
I felt her struggling, not wanting to let things happen too quickly, but I
know that we both felt the connection. That spark we’d ignited so many years
ago continued to be hot – an ember waiting to become a full flame. Making
love to her was something I still dreamed of. I knew every inch of that body
and I wanted her more than I thought was even possible. I knew that I’d never
fallen out of love with her. I’d just tried to move through my life without her.
I had to slow down to allow her to handle her struggles. She didn’t just
have the thoughts of us to deal with - she had to push through her emotions to
get through her mom’s death, and all she needed to accomplish.
“Tell me what you realized about me, Renie?” I needed to know.
“That the years and the hurt I left you with haven’t changed you. You’re a
good and honest man. You’re patient, and that you are the most beautiful,
handsome man with the same heart and soul that I fell in love with twenty
years ago.” She hesitated. But I needed to know the rest.
“And?”
“And, I don’t want you to not be part of my life. I know that you have to
trust me, but I think you want to,” she said with a pensive smile.
“I do, Renie.”
“You do want to trust me?”
“No, I’ve always trusted you. Remember, I’m the one who knows your
heart.”
I took the two days after the 4
^th
off to extend the weekend. On
Wednesday, Mitchell came to the house to pick me up after work. Mom’s
condo was about an hour away on the beach and we’d packed for the long
weekend. I had no idea what we’d find when we arrived. I was full of dread; it
had been a month since she passed away. As we got close, we searched for a
place to pick up a bite to eat. Finally, we spotted a Chinese restaurant close to
the condo. Two Wrong Fools - the name cracked me up! We stopped and
Mitchell ran in and grabbed a menu. When he returned, we looked over the
menu and made our choices. Once it was ready we were on our way.
When we walked in the condo, it looked much as it had the last time I’d
been there. I called Midge to let her know we were coming, and I’d heard the
smile in her voice when I told her it was Mitchell who was coming with me. It
made me smile, too.
I grabbed plates from the cupboard, and we sat down, and enjoyed the
meal. “Need to keep that menu. I’ll have to come back,” I said.
“We, Renie…”
“It’s Chinese, not French,” I laughed and then looked at him. “Yes,
Mitchell. We.”
“We’ll need boxes,” he said as we ate. My mom had only been there a few
months so there were still things that had not been unpacked and much more
that needed sorting.
“Soon.” I replied. “First I need to purge,” I replied. “Throw stuff away.”

As we cleaned up from our dinner, I told him the kitchen would be the
first and easiest place to start. I would start on the fridge and then the pantry.
Next, we would tackle her office.

“The office will suck,” I said. “She was a packrat and we can’t just go in
and chuck stuff. I’ll have to go through everything, page by page, to make sure
it’s not important. That should be enough for this weekend. I’m already tired
just thinking about it.”

As evening crept in, Mitchell came to the kitchen where I was rummaging
through cupboards. He took my hand and said, “Grab your keys. We’re going
for a walk.”

We reached the beach and walked a while. Finally, I dropped to the sand to
sit and enjoy the quiet and calm. Mitchell sat beside me, slipped his arm around
my shoulder, and gave me a squeeze.

“Thank you,” I said, after we’d been sitting there for a while.
“Thank me for what?” he asked, and I noticed him watching me intently.
“Thank you for being here with me. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you

for giving me another chance.”
“Renie, I need you to tell me what you want from this. From us.”
I sat quietly for a minute. So many thoughts, memories… so many fears…

“I want us to try being together again. I want us to have a future. Even if
we’re just friends, even if that’s all you want, I can’t bear the thought of the rest
of my life without you in it,” I told him honestly.

He didn’t say anything for a long time. I was afraid I’d cry. His silence was
breaking me.
“Mitchell,” I said after a while, picking up a stick to poke the sand around
at my feet, “Will you tell me about the last nine years?”
“Really?” he asked, and I nodded.
“I pouted for a while, I felt confused, whipped, and defeated. About two
years after the divorce was final, I met a girl. We dated almost a year and finally
moved in together. She was sweet, pretty. A good woman,” he said. “But as
time went on, I realized that we wanted different things. She wanted the white
picket fence, and a house full of kids. I didn’t. I didn’t want to waste her time,
so I told her she should find a man who wanted the same kind of life she did.
Someone who could give her what she needed.”
“I jumped head first into learning the commercial side of the electrical
business, and I worked hard to get into that realm. It wasn’t easy, but I opened
the business and now I hire other people to do the work. I work a pretty
normal schedule - home by six each evening, sometimes I play softball with the
guys on Tuesdays, but that’s pretty much my life. Sometimes I go out to dinner
but I haven’t been interested in giving up my bachelor status.”
“I can sum up my last nine years in a word. Work.”
“No men in your life?” he asked.
“Some, but they weren’t worth another thought. Never anything even
remotely serious. I had Bob and that was all I needed. I just wrapped my life
around work.”
“Who’s Bob?”
“Not who. What.” I replied with a smirk.
“I don’t understand.” Mitchell said, confused.
“Bob, my battery operated boyfriend. He never let me down. He had no
expectations of me. He existed only to please me,” I replied as seriously as I
could.
The look on his face was priceless. “WHAT?” Mitchell roared with
laughter.
“You asked!”

A moment later, I turned to him and said, “You said you didn’t want the
same things. What did you want?”
“You,” he said immediately. “It’s always been you, Renie, ever since I saw
you through the screen door at Granny’s.”
We sat together a while longer, talking. Finally, he rose, reached for my
hand and pulled me to my feet. My hand felt good in his, so I left it there.
When we got back inside, we sat on the sofa and watched an episode of
Blue
Bloods
. My mind wandered - Mitchell, my mom, all that needed to be done - and
I tried to stifle my yawns.
“You’re about to swallow your whole head,” he laughed. “Sounds like
you’ve had enough for today.”
“I’m ready if you are,” I said.
“And what
are
the sleeping arrangements?”
“Well, Mr. Donovan, I didn’t invite you to join me to make you sleep on
the sofa,” I told him.
“Good,” he said and grabbed me. “But I should probably sleep out here.”
“Why?”
“Because I want you, Renie. I want to make love to you. Crazy love,” he
added.
“Well, you damned sure can’t do that if you’re out here and I’m in the
bed.”
“You sure? ‘Cuz I don’t want to push you.”
“Let’s go. The spare room has a queen bed. There’s a king in Mom’s room,
but I can’t even walk in there just yet.”
“I think I like a queen bed better anyway.”
“Why is that?”
“You can’t roll too far away,” he chuckled.

He showered while I walked around the condo, remembering my mom. I
thought I might cry, but as I looked, the pictures and things that she’d
displayed told me that she’d been trying to focus on happier times. It made me
smile.

When I finished my shower, Mitchell was already in the bed. He flipped the
covers back for me to get in, and then wrapped me in his arms. His mouth
found mine in a passionate kiss. His hands explored and tortured my body with
light touches - caresses in places that hadn’t been explored in years. I felt him
ready, and moved closer. He lifted the nightgown I wore over my head. We
made crazy love for what seemed like hours. It was hot. It was amazing. It was
breathtaking.

Trying to catch our breath afterward, I lay my head on his chest. Mitchell
wrapped me in his arms. I heard the rapid beat of his heart. I couldn’t imagine
my life without him. I snuggled into his arms and drifted off to sleep.

The next morning, as I made coffee, Mitchell opened the sliding glass
doors to the patio. It was warm, but a nice breeze blew in off the water. The
waves breaking on the beach made a pleasant sound. I scrounged and found
some grits in the pantry, and bacon and biscuits in the freezer to fix breakfast.
When the coffee was ready, I joined Mitchell on the patio.

“Blecch,” I said as I took a sip of the coffee.
“You made it,” he said, as he looked at me over the rim of his coffee cup.
“Coffee’s fine, that powdered cream shit’s nasty. I didn’t think to grab the

creamer from my fridge.”
“Tough it out,” he snickered. “I’ll go to the store after we clean up. I’ll grab
whatever you think we need for the weekend.”
We made breakfast together, and I took a quick inventory in the pantry and
made a grocery list. While he was gone, I made my way through the fridge and
freezer. I found a pan of stuffed shells I’d made for Mom the last time I was
here. I found a loaf of frozen bread, the kind you bake from frozen. I jotted the
info on the package down as an idea for Convenient Cuisine, and a note to
explore the fresh-bagged salad, from local growers.
I found some stew beef in the freezer. I remembered that Mitchell loved
Granny Ella’s vegetable soup. I knew her recipe like the back of my hand, so I
decided to throw together a pot of soup for the next day.