The Extraordinary Adventures of Ordinary Boy, Book One: The Hero Revealed (24 page)

“You’re right!” he blubbered. “I’m a horrible superhero.”

“That’s not true,” the Tycoon spoke up. “You bring goodness and joy to millions.”

“That’s right,” AI said, suddenly brightening as he lifted his face from his hands. “I am the representation of all that’s good and right.” And then, as if he hadn’t just suffered an emotional breakdown, he stood up proudly and spoke out in his smooth-as-silk voice. “After all, I
am
the Amazing Indestructo.”

What was with this guy? Now he seemed totally back to normal. Then Professor Brain-Drain spoke up again.

“Yet you surround yourself with inferior heroes to make yourself look better,” tsk-tsked the Professor.

“You claim to fight a crusade against evil, but you make licensing arrangements with your vilest enemies. And you manipulate those who adore you by selling them shoddy merchandise designed to empty their pockets and line your own. You disgust me.”

It was really getting hard to tell who was the hero and who was the villain here. Sure enough, AI’s mask of invincibility vanished as quickly as it had appeared. He dropped his face back into his hands and began sobbing.

“It’s true,” he howled. “I don’t know why I feel the need to lower others in order to raise myself. I’m a dreadful person!”

I didn’t know a whole lot about psychology, but I knew a major superiority-inferiority complex when I saw one. And clearly Professor Brain-Drain knew how to play AI as easily as a kazoo.

I decided it was time to put my own escape plan into action. I turned my attention to the Deadly Dumbot directly in front of me. It was the Brain-Drain actor with the mole on his nose.

“This next scene is the most important one in the movie,” I suddenly shouted at him as if I were a film director.

The Dumbot looked at me vacantly for a moment without moving. Then I noticed a faint glimmer in its eyes. It turned its head toward the Professor as if looking for guidance, but Brain-Drain was too busy scolding AI to notice. So I decided to pour it on.

“When I give the word, you’ll move forward and undo the straps that are holding me. And your motivation will be—Best Actor in a Brain-Drained performance!!”

Even a mindless actor can’t resist the thought of an acting award. The fact that he was operating with an empty brain made it natural for him to follow the orders of whoever appeared to be the director. And right now, there was no direction coming from Professor Brain-Drain.

“Lights! Camera! Action!” I ordered.

To my surprise—it worked! The hulking dummy lumbered forward, bent over me, and undid my restraints. As I got up from my seat, I grabbed the Oomphlifier and shoved it into Hal’s hand. The Professor may have accused him of not having much brainpower, but he knew exactly what to do.

Just then, I was grabbed by the Deadly Dumbot as if I were an award statuette.

“I’d like to thank my dermatologist …” he started to mumble just as Halogen Boy turned on his power with every ounce of strength he had.

“Close your eyes,” I shouted to Plasma Girl and Tadpole, squeezing mine shut.

Even with them clenched shut, I could tell that Halogen Boy, with the aid of the Oomphlifier, was flooding the room with a light so brilliant that it would momentarily blind anyone whose eyes were open. I felt the strong arm of the Deadly Dumbot release me as he used it to shield his eyes. Feeling my way back to the Brain Capacitor, I found the restraining belt on one of my teammates and undid it.

“Thanks, O Boy,” I heard Plasma Girl say. “I knew you could do it.”

I immediately shifted to the left and removed Tadpole’s restraint, while Plasma Girl did the same for Hal on the right. I could tell through my clenched eyes that his light was fading. The Professor had been right about the Oomphlifier only having a small charge at the moment. But it had been enough to help us get free. I opened my eyes and saw that the Deadly Dumbots as well as the Tycoon, the Amazing Indestructo, and Professor Brain-Drain were still temporarily blinded. But I knew they wouldn’t be for long.

“Let’s get out of here,” I suggested. We all turned to run for the exit.

We’d only made it about a dozen feet, however, when I ran smack into the softest, mushiest belly that a person could have. As I bounced onto my butt, I looked up to see the Crimson Creampuff smiling down at me. The League of Ultimate Goodness had arrived.

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

LUG’s in Action

At this point I had no idea who was a hero and who wasn’t, so my plan was to keep running toward the exit. The Crimson Creampuff was so fat and so mushy, though, that I was having a hard time getting around him.

“Whoa there, little buddy,” he said. “There’s nothing to worry about. The League of Ultimate Goodness is here to defend you. And more help is on the way once Moleman figures out how to dig his way up to the seventy-fifth floor.”

I noticed that Spaghetti Man had stepped in front of Hal to protect him, and Major Bummer was using his huge behind to shield Tadpole. Whistlin’ Dixie was also there, down on one knee talking to Plasma Girl.

“Thar, thar, lil’ darlin’, what’s goin’ on here?” she asked in a down-home sort of way, tipping her rhinestone cowgirl hat. “’Tain’t nothin’ the league can’t handle.”

“It’s the Deadly Dumbots,” Plasma Girl shouted. “They’re coming after us again!”

Sure enough, the momentary blindness had passed, and not only were the six Deadly Dumbots attacking, but Professor Brain-Drain was fully in control of them again.

“Well, we’ll all jes see ’bout that,” promised Whistlin’ Dixie as she stood to face the approaching Dumbots. “Wait ’til they get a listen ta my high C.”

Taking a deep breath, the so-called Siren of South Superopolis whistled out a single note—a perfectly pitched high C. Unfortunately, it wasn’t high enough to effectively do anything, and the Dumbots kept coming. What I found most impressive was that Dixie kept the note going strong and steady even as she grabbed Plasma Girl and started backing toward the main entrance.

“We’ll handle them,” said the Crimson Creampuff as he and Spaghetti Man stepped in front of Whistlin’ Dixie and Plasma Girl.

Two of the Dumbots went right for the Crimson Creampuff and began punching him. Unfazed, he merely stood there and smiled. Their fists sank deep into his flabby layers of fat. Of course, he didn’t seem to be fighting back. Maybe his strategy was to just stand there getting beat up until the attackers were worn out.

Meanwhile, Spaghetti Man was shooting out ropes of spaghetti from his fingertips. They coiled themselves around one of the approaching Dumbots, slowing it down. Unfortunately, it would have taken someone with less than zero intelligence to be trapped for long by wet noodles. Sure enough, the Dumbot simply raised its arms, and the flimsy pasta tore apart and slid to the floor.

“Holy Bolognese!” shouted Spaghetti Man as he turned and fled past Tadpole and Major Bummer, leaving Hal to fend for himself.

“Don’t you think you should be trying to stop at least one of those guys?” Tadpole asked the major accusingly.

“I don’t know why we’re even bothering,” groaned Major Bummer. “We can never win without AI’s help anyway.”

I overheard this comment from the seriously

depressed superhero and it suddenly made me think: where
was
the Amazing Indestructo? He could stop these Deadly Dumbots in a heartbeat. I looked back, keeping myself hidden behind one of Professor BrainDrain’s pieces of equipment. Unfortunately, what I found was that AI was still down on his knees, his head lowered and sobbing.

I would have to cheer the big guy up and get him out fighting. But just as I stepped out from behind the machine, I felt two invisible arms wrap around me.

“The Sneak,” I grumbled. “Let me go, you creepy chameleon.”

“Sssorry, sssonny,” he hissed, “the bossss hasss plansss for you.”

As he hauled me back over to the Brain Capacitor, I saw that Professor Brain-Drain’s Deadly Dumbots had made short work of the League of Ultimate Goodness. Spaghetti Man was wrapped up in his own strands of pasta, apparently the only person in the world who couldn’t break through them. One of the Dumbots was holding Whistlin’ Dixie by her rhinestone bolero jacket with one hand and Plasma Girl with the other. Major Bummer, who had basically just given up and sat down on his big behind, was being guarded by another Dumbot, while yet another held Tadpole, who at least was trying to break free. Halogen Boy was similarly ensnared. None of my friends’ powers had returned enough to be of any use.

The remaining two Deadly Dumbots seemed to be using the Crimson Creampuff as a soccer ball. It was pretty pathetic.

“Well now, that wasn’t very difficult, was it?” Professor Brain-Drain cackled as he stepped in front of me. “Nevertheless, this has been far more trouble than I am used to dealing with. As you can see, I’ve known for quite some time how to handle Superopolis’s greatest hero.” He gestured over toward the Amazing Indestructo. “I may be his greatest nemesis, but he’s never been mine.”

He silently stared at me for a few moments through those thick, blank-looking glasses. “You, however, seem to be the primary cause of today’s turmoil.” It was almost like I could see the gears turning in his head as he planned his next move.

“Sneak, strap him back to the Brain Capacitor,” he finally spoke.

“Asss you wisssh,” Sneak replied.

While the Sneak was buckling me back in, this time all by myself, Professor Brain-Drain bent over and retrieved the handheld Oomphlifier that Hal had drained and discarded only a few moments earlier. I watched him plug it into the charging device, which in turn was hooked into the Brain Capacitor itself.

“Now, let’s see exactly what we have here,” the Professor mused as he lowered the shiny silver dome onto my head.

This time the helmet was set in place and I heard Professor Brain-Drain switch on the measuring gauge. He gasped.

“Great gamma globulins!” he exclaimed. “This is impossible.”

“What’s impossible?” I shouted.

I was worried that something was wrong. Wait—I should clarify that. I was worried something was wrong
other
than the fact that an evil genius had me strapped to a machine that would soon suck out all my intelligence.

Brain-Drain paid no attention to me. Instead, he reached over to the charging device that the Oomphlifier was plugged into, and switched it on. He then reached for the Brain Capacitor’s main switch and turned it on as well. I instantly felt a tingle running through my head. Exactly one second later I heard a bell go ping on the charging device.

“What’s happened?” I asked with alarm, wondering if my intelligence was all gone. I shuddered at the thought that it could have taken only a second. Then I realized that the very fact I could ask myself those questions meant my intelligence was still intact. The only explanation had to be that the machine had failed somehow. Or had it? Professor Brain-Drain did not look unhappy. In fact he looked positively ecstatic as he raised his left hand and extended a long bony finger toward my skull.

Then I realized he was planning to finish the job by manually draining the rest of my brain directly into his own. But just as Professor Brain-Drain’s finger was about to touch my forehead, a strange thing happened—a taxicab came flying through the hole in the wall that the Amazing Indestructo had created. As we all turned to watch, it came screeching to a halt in the middle of the Professor’s lair. What was even odder was the fact that Stench was lying on top of it.