The Empress's Tomb (6 page)

“Attention!” Principal Wickham barked from the loudspeaker. “We've just gotten word from the Sanitation Department that there has been a sewer backup in the building and we must evacuate. Grades eight and below, please gather in the courtyard. Grades nine and above, you are dismissed until tomorrow morning.”

A hundred nasal voices let out a cheer. Kiki Strike had made good on her promise.

•     •     •

As I started home for a much-needed nap, a small, pale girl in a black wig and dark sunglasses joined me on the corner of Sixty-eighth and Lexington. Having briefly been a student at the Atalanta School, Kiki couldn't risk being recognized. We walked in silence to the downtown subway and waited on the far end of the platform.

“Great job!” I commended her once no one was listening. “How did you back up the sewers?”

“I didn't. I just placed a call to Principal Wickham,” she boasted. “Oh—and then I tossed some of these beauties through the bathroom windows.” She opened her hand just enough to reveal a plum-sized stink bomb. “DeeDee has a whole box of these in her laboratory. Guess what her secret ingredient is?”

“Manure?” I hazarded.

“Fresh from the sidewalks of the Upper West Side. She's got a deal with a dog walker in her neighborhood.”

“That's vile,” I told her. “I hope you wash your hands when you get home.”

“See how far I'll go to keep you out of trouble?” said Kiki.

“I'm grateful, believe me. I just hope I can make it home. It'll be a miracle if I don't fall asleep on the subway and end up in Brooklyn. By the way, I heard something interesting before you cleared the school out.”

“Where do they say Sidonia is now—herding goats in Uzbekistan?” Kiki laughed.

“No, it wasn't about Sidonia. It was about the squirrels. They started mugging people over the weekend.”

“So I've heard. I was thinking of doing a little squirrel spotting while I'm uptown. But kleptomaniac rodents aren't my biggest concern right now.”

“You're right. We need to find out who's been in the tunnels first.”

For the briefest of moments, Kiki looked confused. “Of course,” she said, nodding vigorously. “The intruder's top priority.”

A train rolled into the station with a deafening screech. I stepped aboard, but Kiki stayed behind on the platform. I think she could sense the question I was dying to ask.

I leaned out the doors. “Are you coming?”

“On second thought I could use a walk in the park,” said Kiki. “See you at the meeting.”

•     •     •

“Hurry up! You're late!” DeeDee practically shouted as she threw open the door to her town house near Columbia University. “Everyone else is upstairs in the lab, and Oona's driving us nuts.”

“Sorry. I overslept.” I followed DeeDee as she bounded up five flights of stairs to the attic. The seat of her chinos looked as though she'd sat in a puddle of grease, and a purple blob that jiggled like Jell-O clung to her dreadlocks. “Kiki used one of your stink bombs to shut down the Atalanta School so I could take a nap.”

“I'm glad somebody got some use out of them. My parents threatened to move if I didn't stop production. The
whole house stank like a fertilizer factory. I can't tell you how relieved they were when I started working with Iris.”

“So what
is
this big discovery Iris keeps talking about?” I asked.

“My lips are sealed, Nancy Drew. Iris would kill me if I ruined her surprise,” DeeDee replied. “We've been working on it all summer.”

“I hope you didn't let her use any dangerous chemicals,” I said, knowing that Iris's many gifts did not include gracefulness. “I'd rather not die today.”

“Why does everyone treat Iris like a little kid?” DeeDee sniffed. “I was making my first explosives when I was eleven.”

“Yeah, and look where that got you.” I pointed to the scar that ran across her forehead, the unfortunate result of a bad batch of explosives.

“Don't you think it makes me look interesting?” DeeDee took everything seriously except her appearance. “At
my
school, everyone wants to know the girl with the scar.”

•     •     •

At the top of the stairs lay DeeDee's bedroom and laboratory. She'd tried her best to tidy up for the meeting, but the closet bulged with dirty clothes, and an impressive collection of Chinese take-out containers peeked out from beneath the bed. I couldn't bear to think what had been swept under the rug. A softball-sized lump was emitting an odor that could be described only as rank. But DeeDee didn't seem to mind. As far as she was concerned,
housework was for people with too much time on their hands and too little on their minds. Only her laboratory, which took up half the large room, was kept perfectly spotless. Glass beakers, flasks, and test tubes sparkled like crystal, and a rainbow of chemicals—some of them glowing—were arranged neatly on shelves.

In front of the lab, six folding chairs had been positioned in a semicircle, and all but two were filled. Luz was impatiently yanking on her ponytail while Betty Bent reapplied a set of false eyelashes that had come unglued. I was hoping I'd have a chance to ask Kiki what was bothering her, but Oona was already sitting at her side.

“How long is this going to take?” I overheard Oona ask. “I've got something
important
to talk about.”

“It's going to take as long as Iris needs it to take,” Kiki said curtly. “Ananka and I have news, too, but we're willing to wait our turn. Iris has been looking forward to this for months.”

Oona rolled her eyes and gazed at the ceiling. I took the chair as far away from her as possible. DeeDee rapped at the bathroom door, and Iris's little blond head peeked out into the lab.

“Are they all here?” she whispered to DeeDee. “Can we start now?”

“We can hear you, Iris,” Oona called. DeeDee shot her a nasty look.

“Yes, everyone's here,” she told Iris. The bathroom door closed again while DeeDee took a seat.

Exactly ten seconds later (she must have been counting), Iris made her entrance. She was wearing an enormous white lab coat that reached down to her ankles and
a set of orange-tinted safety goggles. Her hair had been pulled into an official-looking bun.

Oona cracked up. “Why didn't anybody tell me it was Halloween?” she cackled.

“What's wrong with you?” DeeDee snarled.

“SHHHH!” Kiki insisted.

Iris did her best to ignore the commotion. “Good evening, fellow Irregulars.”

“Hey, Iris,” said Betty. In honor of Iris's big day, she was dressed in a vintage Chanel suit and wearing her favorite red wig.

“Thanks for coming today. I hope you all find my presentation both entertaining and educational.” Iris opened a cabinet and retrieved a silver serving tray. On top of it sat two crystal bottles filled with amber liquid.

Luz turned to DeeDee. “What's that, more perfume?”

“Iris will be answering your questions tonight,” DeeDee responded.

“So you've been making perfume?” Luz asked Iris with a yawn. She had little interest in anything girly.

“You
could
say that.” Iris forced back a grin.

“Can I smell it?” asked Betty, eager to play along.

“Sorry, Betty. I was hoping Oona would be the first to try my new creation. I call it
Fille Fiable.”

“Forget it, Iris. I'm already wearing perfume,” said Oona. “I had it custom made by a professional nose, and it cost four hundred dollars an ounce. I'm not interested in smelling like a chemistry lab.”

“I understand completely.” When Iris appeared to take the insult with good humor, I began to get worried. “What if I put a little on my own wrist and let you take a whiff?”

“Iris … ,” said DeeDee in a warning tone. I saw one of Kiki's eyebrows rise.

“It's okay, DeeDee,” Iris insisted. “Oona doesn't have to
wear
it to appreciate it.”

“I'm sure I'll survive,” said Oona, rolling her eyes and rising from her chair.

Iris chose one of the crystal bottles from the tray. Pulling back the sleeve of her lab coat, she dabbed a little liquid on her forearm and waved it in the air before offering her arm to Oona. Oona bent down and inhaled deeply. Her nose instantly wrinkled in disgust.

“I think you need a better name for it,” she said. “How about Eau de BO? It's almost as foul as your rat-repelling perfume.”

Iris nodded thoughtfully. “I thought you might say that. It's just not special enough for a girl with your taste. I mean, look at you. Those must be real diamond earrings you're wearing, right?”

“Two carats each,” Oona bragged. Everyone has a weakness, but Oona had more than her fair share. At the top of a list that included alligator handbags and cashmere socks, was diamonds.

“They're
nice,”
said Iris, making it perfectly clear that she meant the opposite. “But they make you look a little cheap. I think they'd look better on Ananka, don't you?”

The rest of us held our breath, waiting for the carnage to begin. I slid forward on my seat, preparing to leap to Iris's rescue. That's when Oona surprised us all.

“You know, you're right,” she agreed. “I always thought they were kind of tacky. Want them, Ananka?” She took the diamonds out of her ears and tossed them into my lap.

“And that dress,” said Iris. “It's not very flattering. I read in
Vogue
last week that it's much more fashionable to wear just a slip during the day.”

“Really?” said Oona. “I must have missed that issue. Do you think I should take the dress off? I have a slip on underneath. But won't it be a little chilly?”

“Cold, shmold,” Iris declared. “A girl should be willing to suffer for fashion.”

“I couldn't agree more!” announced Oona, stripping out of her dress. She posed in front of us in a hot-pink slip. “How's this? Fabulous, right?”

Luz fell out of her chair, laughing.

“Are you on drugs, Lopez?” Oona snipped.
“Whatever.
I wouldn't expect a girl who dresses like Mr. Goodwrench to understand.”

“Um, Iris,” I said, choking down a guffaw. “How far are you going to take this?” Iris ignored me.

“You look great, Oona. After the meeting, we should go over to your house and get rid of all the ugly stuff in your closet. By the way, I've always wondered where you live. Nobody's ever been to your house, right? Why don't you tell us about it?”

“That's enough,” Kiki barked before Oona had a chance to speak. She picked up Oona's dress and handed it to her. “Go to the bathroom and put your clothes back on,” she instructed.

“But that dress is hideous!” Oona moaned.

“Trust me,” Kiki insisted.

Once Oona shut the bathroom door, Kiki slid a proud arm around Iris.

“Impressive,” she said. “Cruel, but impressive.”

“Thanks!” chirped Iris. “Oona was begging for it.”

“True, but I hope you didn't take it too far. You don't want Oona as an enemy. Did you know about this, DeeDee?”

DeeDee smiled. “No, but I agree with Iris. Oona's been asking for it.”

“I'm with DeeDee. Nobody's made me laugh that hard in months,” said Luz. “So the perfume can make people do what you want?”

“I wish. Fille Fiable just makes people trust you. If you give them a nose full, they're more willing to tell you their secrets—or believe whatever
you
tell them,” Iris explained.

“How long does it take to wear off?” I asked.

“Only a couple of minutes,” DeeDee assured me. “Oona should be coming to her senses soon.”

I looked at Iris. “In that case, I would recommend running for your life.”

The bathroom door banged against the wall, making DeeDee's glass beakers tinkle. For a moment, I thought I might have to break up a brawl, but Oona simply walked up to me and snatched her diamonds.

“Funny trick,” she muttered to no one in particular before she stormed out of the attic and down the stairs.

As the rest of us stood speechless, Betty and DeeDee sprinted after Oona.

“Uh-oh,” said Luz, digging her hands deep into the pockets of her jumpsuit. “Looks like Oona just overdosed on her own medicine.”

“I didn't mean to hurt her feelings,” cried Iris. “I was
just trying to pay her back for all the times she's made fun of me.”

“You must have hit a weak spot,” I said. “She'll forgive you.”

“You think so?” Iris asked hopefully.

“Sure.” My lie wasn't convincing, and Iris started to sniffle just as Betty and DeeDee returned, out of breath.

“She won't come back,” DeeDee announced. “Let's get on with the show. I've had enough of Oona today anyway. Actually, I can barely remember when I
wasn't
sick of Oona. If you ask me, the girl's more trouble than she's worth.” DeeDee clapped a hand over her mouth. “Whoa—did I just say that? That perfume really loosens your tongue.”

“Oona's just upset,” said Betty. “Something's not right. She's been acting strange all week. Don't you think we should postpone the meeting?”

“We can't,” said Kiki. “Let's let Iris finish her presentation. Then the rest of us have important business to discuss. I'll speak to Oona tonight. She'll come around. We're going to need her help. Iris? Are you ready?”

A slightly teary-eyed Iris returned to her presentation.

“Um. Where was I? Okay. After the perfume my parents brought back from Borneo worked so well on the rats, I started thinking about other things I could make. Then I read in the newspaper about these scientists in Switzerland who had come up with a spray that makes people seem trustworthy. When I told DeeDee about it, she offered to help me improve their formula.”