The Embrace (44 page)

“You can’t leave me.” I whispered in the vain hope that I had been mistaken, that Gabriel had missed the heart by just an inch.

I thought of all the plans I had held for our future together, all of the wonderful things I had wanted to do with him. In my image of the future we would have travelled the world together, spending the rest of eternity as a happy unit. I would finally have had the true partnership I had always lacked with Gabriel. Now it had all been snatched away from me.

I felt lost. I had planned out my entire future and now it had all been erased. When I looked out in to the world I saw a daunting blank canvas in front of me. In other situations I would have welcomed the freedom, but not now. All I wanted was a stable future.

Robert had been pale to begin with but now I could see his colouring start to change until his face had taken on a disturbing shade of grey. I didn’t want to remember him that way but I wasn’t ready to leave yet.

“I love you.” He said. His voice wasn’t croaky or hoarse as I had expected. He still spoke with a soothing tone, as if he was telling a child a lullaby. It sent shivers through me when I thought that I would never hear that voice again.

I felt tears gathering in my eyes but I didn’t feel weak as I normally did when I cried.  I had never expected to experience loss after I was made immortal, but it had come for me just as it had during my human years. I had to face death just like every weak human being. I wasn’t safe anymore, not even from my own kind.

I nodded, my response catching in my throat. I had so much I wanted to say but nothing came out. There were no words which could really convey what was going through my head. In one moment I wanted to tear Gabriel limb from limb; in the next I imagined going up to the roof, waiting for the sun to rise and set me alight. I just wanted peace, the peace which had been ripped away from me by my former sire.

“Don’t be defeated.” His voice still soothed me but it was growing weaker, and now he was taking pauses between his words. It seemed as if he was growing in to an old man before my eyes, becoming forgetful and fatigued. “I want you to have the life you deserve, even without me. Promise me.”

It was the last thing I wanted at that moment. My only wish was to join him in whatever came after the final death. Obviously he could read me well. He knew I was willing to die to be with him again, but he didn’t want me to do it. I owed him that at the very least.

“I promise you. I’ll make sure that Gabriel dies for what he has done.” I didn’t know whether Robert agreed with my vendetta, but he didn’t say a word in protest. The sense of purpose I felt made it impossible to reason with me either way.

I noticed that his body seemed lighter. It was a strange feeling, as if he was slowly disintegrating in front of me. I reached out to touch his cheek and the skin flaked off like bad sunburn. I wondered how long it would be before large bits of his body started to fall off, before his internal organs crumbled in to ash. Vampires may possess power beyond imagination but at our final death we are weaker than a child.

I pushed his hair from his face and a few strands came away in my hand. It was almost as if he had developed a terminal illness whose symptoms accelerated in the space of just a few minutes. I wanted to be there for him but I was scared that at some point there would be nothing left, that his body would fall apart and be carried away by the wind.

“You have to go.” He whispered. I pictured his voice box crumbling in his throat, knowing that in just a few moments he might be unable to say even a single word to me.

“I can’t go. I want to stay with you.” I didn’t even bother to hide the tears anymore, choking through instead.

He shook his head and the skin on the side of his face cracked and blistered. I wanted to stay but I knew he wouldn’t let me. He didn’t want me to watch his strength slip away as his body disappeared. Nobody should have their last excrutiating moments etched on the memories of those they love.

“Please. Find somewhere safe. My home, you can stay there.” He urged, still with the quiet authority I had come to expect. “Take care of yourself.”

I nodded, although I wanted nothing more than to stay with him. I leaned forward and left one final kiss on his lips. Even on the point of death his kiss still sent waves of electricity through me.

This was to be our last kiss. I had been betrayed by my sire and now I had lost what could have been my first real chance for love. The electricity I felt that moment might never appear to me again.

“I love you. I’ll see you again one day.” I whispered in his ear.

He didn’t reply. I didn’t know if his voice box was even in tact anymore, but I saw a small smile on his face and I knew that he understood.

I gently moved his head from my lap and let it rest on the floor. The remaining skin all across his body had become mottled and bruised. I hated leaving him like that but he wanted me to. He had given his life for me, and so I had to obey his final wishes.

I left the apartment in a daze. I had blinkers on, not looking at anything around me. I didn’t even look back at Robert’s body. I knew that if I looked back then I wouldn’t be able to tear myself away.

I had lost so much that night but the apartment wasn’t something I would miss. All my memories of those rooms were dark, terrible moments I would rather forget. I was quite glad that I would never have to return to this place.

As I walked down the hallway and in to the foyer I caught fragments of conversation and thoughts from those around me. The gossiping wives who congregated in the foyer, and had once seethed with jealousy over my relationship with Gabriel, were standing by the lift almost as if they were waiting for me. I didn’t even try to shield the tears from them.

“I hope he finally left her. He was too good for her anyway.” I heard one of them say. I couldn’t decide whether she had said it aloud or whether it was just one of her thoughts I had managed to catch, but it didn’t matter. All it did was remind me how hungry I was.

The red mist of hunger descended without warning and I lunged on the nearest of the women, burying my teeth in to her warm neck. The other gossip mongers shrieked and tried to escape but I moved too quickly for them to even have a chance. Before they had time to reach the staircase I grabbed each of them in turn and tore through the skin on their necks.

I let the last of these women fall to the ground and lapped up the silence my massacres had created. No more thoughts, no more foolish human opinions. There was only silence.

I stumbled out of the apartment building. I knew that my face was coated with blood and my eyes were red from crying, but I didn’t even bother trying to clean myself up. I just wanted to lie down and find some peace. I needed to curl up in to a ball and forget everything, waiting until I was so weak that I was facing death. I didn’t want to go in to the outside world, a place where every little thing reminded me of Robert.

I moved on autopilot, my feet not really taking in where I was going. In reality there was only one place I could go. The nest had been my home with Gabriel but I could never go back there again, and I had given ownership of my childhood home to my aunt Penny. There was only one place where I felt safe and completely at home.

It took me only a few minutes to get there. I knew the way as if I had been there a million times; it was carved in my memory forever. It felt unnatural that I was running from someone I used to love, I only had one place left to go.

I eventually reached Robert’s home, the nest I had once imagined we would live in as a couple. I had pictured us decorating the place together like human couples do. We would have stayed for a little while and then moved on to somewhere more exotic. I imagined that we would have kept this place as a home away from home whenever we returned to London. Now it was just going to lie here and rot, with no owner and nobody who loved it.

As I made my way around the ground floor of the house I almost expected Robert to pop out from behind a corner and wrap me up in his arms, as if everything had been a terrible nightmare. Every creak or gust of wind sounded like his voice calling out to me.

I pictured his body on the floor of my old apartment. I wondered if he was completely dead yet. Maybe his body was just a pile of ash on the floor or maybe he was lying there in agony, wishing he hadn’t sent me away.

It wasn’t healthy to dwell on it for so long. I tried to shake the images from my head and focus on the positive things we had shared. I had only been to Robert’s home a few times but each room held a memory of our time together, while each item seemed to reflect a part of Robert’s personality I would no longer get to see. 

I made my way up the stairs. As I went, I caught sight of the room where Robert kept the memories of his former mates. I knew that I shouldn’t go in it, but I needed a reminder of him and that room had been his most sacred space. I had to remind myself that he had lived a full life, that his death was not a waste.

I looked at the pictures which lined the walls, mostly framed love letters Robert had cherished and re-read over the years. I made my way to the wardrobe where the dresses of his mates were still neatly displayed. After a few moments I picked a soft white nightgown from the railing. I took my dress off and slipped the soft nightgown over my head, letting the fabric sooth my aching skin.

There was a small frame above the bed, one I had never seen before. As I moved closer the image became clearer. I took in the whole frame, and quickly realised what it was. It was a picture of me, sleeping in bed after the first night I had spent in Robert’s arms. I was part of the room dedicated to memories of Robert’s mates. He had considered me one of his mates, despite there being no blood link between us.

I felt my legs growing weak. I was exhausted after everything I had been through, and I just wanted to fall asleep. I imagined lying in Robert’s arms but I knew it was pointless thinking about it. Eventually I went to his bedroom instead and instinctively walked over to the bed.

I fell down on top of the covers, letting my thoughts finally become still. His smell was still present on the sheets and I eagerly breathed it in. All I needed was peace and quiet, time to empty my thoughts. I didn’t want to think about Robert or Gabriel, I just wanted to focus on myself for a while. I needed to clear my head and work out my plan. I had so much to think about, so many decisions to make.

I let myself drift off to sleep. It wasn’t the easiest transition I had ever experienced but I soon managed. I had to make the most of it, knowing it might be the last day of sleep I ever received if I had to face Gabriel again.

**

For 2 weeks that became my routine. The ultimate goal of my day was purely to return to bed, the only place where I didn’t have to think about my loss. I continued living but I merely drifted through my routine, never letting myself think about what had happened. I decided against suicide as I had promised Robert I would live, and I had to honour that pledge. Even so, if Gabriel tracked me down I wouldn’t have put up that much of a fight as I had nothing left to live for.

I went out to hunt every night more out of necessity than any real desire. I sought out victims without any plan, risking my safety with rash kills and spontaneous attacks. I had learned to be cautious, but now I had no interest in my own security.

After hunting I would return to the home. I had explored every inch of it during my two weeks of mourning. I had found a small room downstairs which was filled with piles of books. I now spent most of my time exploring this room, touching the books that Robert had once loved. Some were in French, his native tongue, and so I couldn’t translate them, but many were in English. Inside the cover pages there were little notes from Robert’s mates or friends, from his life as both a human and a vampire. In one book I even found a scrawled message from Robert’s sire Lucius.

I pledged to make my way through these books. I had nothing but spare time now. Whenever I touched a page Robert had once read, I felt close to him. His hands had touched the pages, and his eyes had followed these eloquent words, just as mine had. I could almost imagine him holding the books and pouring through their contents. It made me forget for a moment that he would never be there to read them again.

After 2 weeks I still didn’t feel any better. Vampires find it much easier to be alone but losing a mate is a terrifying thought for anyone. The experience was something I felt far too young to deal with. I was barely out of my infancy and yet I had already been through enough stress to last a life time.

I returned home from the hunt one night in my usual state of depression. The heart beats of humans were becoming deafening as I couldn’t keep them under control anymore. I had once been able to drown out the sound of humanity, but now my only escape was the quiet sanctuary of Robert’s home.

As I walked up the steps to his front door I caught sight of a newspaper tucked behind a plant. I hadn’t really noticed the practical things like mail or deliveries since my arrival. The home was beautiful but it had an eerie loneliness which drove most people away, so deliveries had never been something I had to deal with.

I picked the paper up and took it inside. I had been so detached from the rest of the world that I hadn’t been paying attention. The world could be falling apart around me and I wouldn’t have noticed. In fact I might have welcomed it. 

I went to my favourite spot, the makeshift library, and lay the newspaper out on the floor in front of me. There were no desks or chairs in the room, only piles of books, but I felt safe sitting on the floor.