The Early Ayn Rand (66 page)

“I . . .” he began, but she went on:

“Something wonderful’s happened to me! I’m signing the contract tomorrow. I’m going to Hollywood.”

He sat silently, his arms on the table before him, and looked at her.

“I’m going as soon as the play closes,” she said, and threw her hands up, and whirled on one toe, her skirt flaring like a dancer’s. “I didn’t tell you, but they took a test of me—weeks ago—and I saw it, I don’t really look very pretty, but they said they could fix that and that I had personality and they’ll give me a chance, and I’m signing a contract!”

“For how long?” he asked.

“Oh, that? That’s nothing. It’s for five years, but it’s only options, you know, I don’t have to stay there that long.”

He snapped his finger against the edge of a sheet of newspaper and the click of his nail sent it across the table with a thin, whining crackle, like a string plucked, and he said nothing.

“Oh, no,” she said, too emphatically, “I’m not giving up the stage. It’s just to make some quick money.”

“You don’t need it. You said you could have any part you chose next year.”

“Sure. I can always have that—after those notices.”

“Next year, you could do what you’ve wanted to do.”

“I’m doing that.”

“So I see.”

“Well, why not? It’s such a chance.”

“For what?”

“Oh, for . . . for . . . Hell, I don’t see why you have to disapprove!”

“I haven’t said that.”

“Oh, no! You never say anything. Well, what’s wrong with it?”

“Nothing. Only that you’re lying.”

“How?”

“You’re not going for the money.”

“Well . . . well, for what then? And isn’t it better— whatever you mean than to go for money? I thought you wouldn’t approve of my going after money.”

“No, Vesta. You thought I might approve. That’s why you said it.”

“Well, is it all right if it’s for the money?”

“It might be. But that’s not what you’re after.”

“What am I after?”

“People.”

“What people?”

“Millions of them. Carloads. Tons. Swarms of them. To look at you. To admire you. No matter what they’re admiring you for.”

“You’re being silly. I don’t know what you’re driving at. And besides, if I make good, I don’t have to play in stupid movies. I can select my parts. I can do as much as on the stage. More. Because it will reach so many more people and . . .” He was laughing. “Oh, all right, don’t be so smart! You’ll see. I can do what I want on the screen, too. Just give me time. I’ll do everything I want.”

“Joan d’Arc?”

“Why not? Besides, it’ll help. I’ll make a name for myself, then watch me come back to the stage and do Joan d’Arc! And furthermore . . .”

“Look, Vesta, I’m not arguing. You’re going. That’s fine. Don’t explain too much.”

“You don’t have to look like a judge dishing out a life sentence! And I don’t care whether you approve or not!”

“I haven’t said I didn’t.”

“I thought you’d be glad for me. Everybody else was. But you have to spoil it.”

“How?”

“Oh, how! How do you always manage to spoil everything? And here I was so anxious to tell you! I couldn’t wait. Where on earth have you been all evening, by the way?”

“Working.”

“What? Where?”

“In the office.”

“What office? Have you found a job?”

“Two weeks ago.”

“Oh! . . . Well, how nice. . . . Doing what?”

“Well, what do you suppose?”

“Oh, you got a real job? With an architect? So you found one to take you after all?”

“Yes.”

“Well . . . it’s wonderful . . . I’m awfully glad. . . . Oh, I’m awfully glad. . . .” She heard her own voice, flat and empty and with a thin, strange, distant note in it, a note that was anger without reason; she wondered whether it sounded like that to him also. She said quickly: “I hope you’re set this time. I hope you’ll be successful someday—like everybody else.”

He leaned back and looked at her. She stood defiantly, holding his eyes, saying nothing, flaunting her consciousness of the meaning of his silence.

“You’re not glad that I got it,” he said. “You hope I won’t last. That’s the next best to the thing you really hope—that I’ll be successful someday
like everybody else.
”

“You’re talking nonsense. I don’t know what you’re saying.”

He sat, looking at her, without moving. She shrugged and turned away; she picked up the newspaper and flipped its pages violently, as if the loud crackling could shut out the feeling of his eyes on her.

“All right,” he said slowly. “Now say it.”

“What?” she snapped, whirling around.

“What you’ve wanted to say for a long time.”

She flung the newspaper aside. She said: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Say it, Vesta.”

“Oh, you’re impossible! You’re . . .” And then her voice dropped suddenly, and she spoke softly, simply, pleading: “Howard, I love you. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know why it should be like this. I love you and I can’t stand you. And also, I wouldn’t love you if I could stand you, if you were any different. But what you are—that frightens me, Howard. I don’t know why. It frightens me because it’s something in me which I don’t want. No. Because it’s something in me which I do want, but I’d rather not want it, and . . . Oh, you can’t understand any of it!”

“Go on.”

“Yes, damn you, you do understand! . . . Oh, don’t look at me like that! . . . Howard, Howard, please listen. It’s this: you want the impossible. You are the impossible yourself—and you expect the impossible. I can’t feel human around you. I can’t feel simple, natural, comfortable. And one’s got to be comfortable sometime! It’s like . . . like as if you had no weekdays at all in your life, nothing but Sundays, and you expect me always to be on my Sunday behavior. Everything is important to you, everything is great, significant in some way, every minute, even when you keep still. God, Howard, one can’t stand that! It becomes unbearable . . . if . . . if I could only put it into words!”

“You have. Very nicely.”

“Oh, please, Howard, don’t look like that! I’m not . . . I’m not criticizing you. I understand. I know what you want of life. I want it too. That’s why I love you. But, Howard! You can’t be that all the time! God, not all the time! One’s got to be human also.”

“What?”

“Human! One has to relax. One gets tired of the heroic.”

“What’s heroic about me?”

“Nothing. Everything! . . . No, you don’t do anything. You don’t say anything. I don’t know. It’s only what you make people feel in your presence.”

“What?”

“The abnormal. The overnormal. The strain. When I’m with you—it’s always like a choice. A choice between you—and the rest of the world. I don’t want such a choice. I’m afraid because I want you too much—but I don’t want to give up everybody, everything. I want to be a part of the world. They like me, they recognize me now, I don’t want to be an outsider. There’s so much that’s beautiful in the world, and gay and simple and pleasant. It’s not all a fight and a renunciation. It doesn’t have to be. It is—with you.”

“What have I ever renounced?”

“Oh, you’ll never renounce anything. You’ll walk over corpses for what you want. But it’s what you’ve renounced by never wanting it. What you’ve closed your eyes to—what you were born with your eyes closed to.”

“Don’t you think that perhaps one can’t have one’s eyes open to both?”

“Everybody else can! Everybody but you. You’re so old, Howard. So old, so serious. . . . And there’s something else. What you said about my going after people. Look, Howard, don’t other people mean anything to you at all? I know, you like some of them and you hate others, but neither really makes much difference to you. That’s what’s horrifying. Everyone’s a blank around you. They’re there, but they don’t touch you in any way, not in any single way. You’re so closed, so finished. It’s unbearable. All of us react upon one another in some way, I don’t mean that we have to be slaves of others, or be influenced, or changed, no, not that, but we react. You don’t. We’re aware of others. You’re not. You don’t hate people—that’s the ghastliness of it. If you did—it would be simple to face. But you’re worse. You’re a fiend. You’re the real enemy of all mankind—because one can’t do anything against your kind of weapon—your utter, horrible, inhuman indifference!”

She stood waiting. She stood, as if she had slapped his face and triumphantly expected the answer. He looked at her. She saw that his lips were opening wide, his mouth loose, young, easy; she could not believe for a moment that he was laughing. She did not believe what he said either. He said:

“I’m sorry, Vesta.”

Then she felt frightened. He said very gently:

“I didn’t want it to come to this. I think I knew also that it would, from the first. I’m sorry. There are chances I shouldn’t take. You see—I’m weak, like everybody else. I’m not closed enough nor certain enough. I see hope sometimes where I shouldn’t. Now forget me. It will be easier than it seems to you right now.”

“You . . . you don’t mean for me . . . to leave you?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, no, Howard! Not like that! Not now!”

“Like that, Vesta. Now.”

“Why?”

“You know that.”

“Howard . . .”

“I think you know also that you’ll be glad of it later. Maybe tomorrow. Just forget me. If you want to see me affected by someone else—well, I’ll tell you that I’m sorry.”

“No, you aren’t. Not to lose me.”

“No. Not any more. But to see what will happen to you . . . no. Not that either. But this: to see what will never happen to you.”

“What?”

“
That
is what you don’t want to know. So forget it.”

“Oh, Howard! Howard . . .”

Her voice broke, as the consciousness of what had happened, like a blow delayed, reached her at last. She stood, her shoulders drooping forward, her hands hanging uselessly, awkwardly, suddenly conscious of her hands and not knowing where to put them, her body huddled and loose, looking at him, her eyes clear and too brilliant, her mouth twisted. She swallowed slowly, with a hard effort, as if her whole energy had gone into the movement of her throat, into the purpose of knowing that her throat could be made to move. It was a bewilderment of pain, helpless and astonished, as an animal wondering what had happened, knowing only that it was hurt, but not how or why, puzzled that it should be hurt and that this was the shape of pain.

“Howard . . .” she whispered softly, as simply as if she were addressing herself and no stress, no emotion, no clarity of words were necessary. “It’s funny . . . what is it? . . . It couldn’t happen like this . . . and it did . . . I think I’m hurt, Howard . . . terribly . . . I want to cry or do something . . . and I can’t. . . . What is it? . . . I can’t do anything before you . . . I want to say something . . . I should . . . it doesn’t happen like this . . . and I can’t . . . It’s funny . . . isn’t it? . . . You understand?”

“Yes,” he said softly.

“Are you hurt too?” she asked, suddenly eager, as if she had caught at the thread of a purpose. “Are you? Are you? You must be!”

“Yes, Vesta.”

“No, you aren’t! You don’t say it as it would sound if you . . . You can’t be hurt. You can never be hurt!”

“I suppose not.”

“Howard, why? Why do this? When I need you so much!”

“To end it before we start hating each other. You’ve started already.”

“Oh, no, Howard! No! I don’t! Not now! Can’t you believe me?”

“I believe you. Not now. But the moment you leave this room. And at every other time.”

“Howard, I’ll try . . .”

“No, Vesta. Those things can’t be tried. You’d better go now.”

“Howard, can’t you feel . . . sorry for me? I know, it’s a terrible thing to say. I wouldn’t want it from anyone else. But that . . . that’s all I can have from you. . . . Howard? Can’t you?”

“No, Vesta.”

She spread her hands out helplessly, still wondering, a bewildered question remaining in her eyes, and moved her lips to speak, but didn’t, and turned, small, awkward, uncertain, and left.

She walked down the stairs and knew that she would cry in her room, cry for many hours. But one sentence he had spoken came back to her, one sentence clear and alone in the desolate emptiness of her mind: “You’ll be glad of it later. Maybe tomorrow.” She knew that she was glad already. It terrified her, it made the pain sharper. But she was glad.

 

He had not seen Vesta again before she left for California. She did not write to him and he had long since forgotten her, except for wondering occasionally, when passing by a movie theater, why he’d heard of no film in which she was to appear. Hollywood seemed to have forgotten her also; she was given no parts.

Then, in the spring, he saw her picture in the paper; she stood, dressed in a polka-dot bathing suit, holding coyly, unnaturally a huge beach ball over her head; except for the pose, it was still Vesta, the odd, impatient face, the wild hair, the ease and freedom in the lines of the body; but one had to look twice to notice it; the photograph was focused upon her long, bare legs, as all the photographs appearing in that corner of that section had always been. The caption read: “This cute little number is Sally Ann Blainey, Lux Studio’s starlet. Before she was discovered by Lux scouts, Miss Blainey achieved some measure of distinction on the Broadway stage, where she was known as Vesta Dunning. The studio bosses, however, have given her a less ungainly name.” It was not mentioned when she would be put to work.

 

“Child of Divorce” was released in January 1927, and it made film history. It was not an unusual picture and it starred an actor who was quite definitely on his downgrade, but it had Sally Ann Blainey in a smaller part. Lux Studios had not expected much of Sally Ann Blainey; she had not been advertised, and a week after the picture’s completion her contract had been dropped. But on the day after the film’s release, she was signed again, on quite different terms, and her name appeared in electric lights upon the marquees of theaters throughout the country, over that of the forgotten star.