The Devil’s Guide To Hollywood (71 page)

This Is the Best First Draft I’ve Ever Read

Producers and studio execs say this when they know that an awful lot of work will have to be done on the script and when they want to cajole you into doing more drafts than what your contract calls for.

Garbage

This is what studio executives call the dialogue of a screenplay.

Sweet Jesus
…

A
cademy Awards producer and former studio chief Joe Roth had this idea to start the show the year after
The Passion of the Christ
was released: “I say, bring Billy Crystal out in a loincloth, carried on a cross through the Academy.”

PART TEN

I
NSPIRING THE
A
CTORS

LESSON 16

Their Shorts Have Skid Marks, Too!

Don’t star-fuck
.

W
illiam Goldman, on the making of his
Marathon Man
, starring Laurence Olivier: “But that moment—when the actor of the century asked me would I mind if he switched six words around—is the most memorable incident of my movie career. Olivier. Calling me ‘Bill.’ Olivier. Asking
me
would I mind. That’s high cotton.”

Actors have a social conscience
.

S
hooting
Viva Villa
in Mexico, Lee Tracy took a piss off of his hotel balcony while Mexicans beneath him were marching to celebrate their national independence.

In order to avoid an international incident, Tracy had to be replaced.

Do not genuflect before stars
.

W
illiam Goldman: “Stars do not—repeat—do not play heroes—stars play gods. And your job as a screenwriter is to genuflect, if you are lucky enough to have them glance in your direction. Because they may destroy your work, will destroy it more often than not—but you will have a career.”

Listen to me carefully: I am my own best example. You don’t have to genuflect to anyone to have a lengthy and profitable screenwriting career.

You’ll pick up a lot of rug burns and need to carry mouthwash with you. (We already know that Bill used to carry bottles of Kaopectate.)

Aw, come on, their shorts get skid marks, too
.

S
creenwriter John Gregory Dunne: “I have a confession to make: I have a hard time calling Robert Redford ‘Bob.’ He is younger than I am, and yet I would let his diminutive cross my lips only if I could not get his attention by catching his eye or clearing my throat. To me, he is Robert Redford. In an era of faux egalitarian familiarity, when presidential contenders pass themselves off as Bill or Phil, ‘Bob’ is somehow diminishing; it would be like calling Woodrow Wilson ‘Woody.’ ”

ALL HAIL

The Old Scum-Sucking Swine!

Hunter S. Thompson was the only writer I’ve ever known who could make groupies out of movie stars.

Johnny Depp slept in a little room, which was filled with brown spiders, in Hunter’s basement.

Sean Penn, Jude Law, and Benicio Del Toro were all friends who tried to cheer Hunter up when he was depressed by reading to him … from his own writings.

I asked Hunter once how he was able to do this to actors.

“They’re actors,” he said, “I show ’em my guns. I let ’em play with ’em. Actors like to play with guns.”

Actors ruined everything a long time ago
.

P
roducer David O. Selznick: “I don’t mind spending money, but there’s no more reason to believe that Marlon Brando is a producer than Karl Malden is. We always have difficulties but actors used to accept discipline. I’ve called Jack Barrymore into my office for not knowing his lines; he was contrite and apologetic. I had to speak to Leslie Howard, who was embarrassing Vivien Leigh by not being prepared for a scene. But you never had to speak again. They recognized their fault and corrected it.”