The Devil’s Guide To Hollywood (33 page)

Don’t write any John Wayne–type parts
.

W
ith the exception of Russell Crowe and Mel Gibson, there are few stars able to play supermacho parts today. Many of Hollywood’s top male movie stars are either bisexual or gay. If they’re not bisexual or gay, their feminine sides overpower their manhood. Look at how Orlando Bloom and Colin Farrell and Brad Pitt failed, respectively, in
Kingdom of Heaven, Alexander
, and
Troy
.

Are My Nipples Even?

The greatest concern of starlets who appear on awards shows.

Another surefire formula for a quick script sale
…

W
rite a script about a young woman battling cancer, whose best friend is a gay man and who has an adopted black daughter and a mutant but cuddly and ugly dog.

If you want to sell your script, don’t kill off your lead character
.

J
ohn Wayne made over two hundred movies; he died in only eight of them, including his last one,
The Shootist
.

Sylvester Stallone had a full-scale hissy fit when my script of
F.I.S.T
. called for him to die. Studio lawyers had to force him to die.

If you write a real man’s man
…

D
o to him what Jim Brooks did to the Jack Nicholson character in
As Good As It Gets
.

Turn him inside out. Show him to be the asshole that he is and, at the end, show him reborn as a touchy-feely man who has great disdain for the way he used to be—cure him of his psychic, spiritual cancer and show how happy he is to be healthily reborn.

Or do to him what Marty Brest did to the Ben Affleck character in
Gigli
: “It’s turkeytime,” and he gobble-gobbles and maybe he’ll even stop calling that poor kid “a fucking retard,” as he’s done through the whole movie.

To simplify this: If you have an old-style man’s man in the beginning of the movie, castrate him gradually in the second and third acts—and at the end, show how happy he is about his gelding.

Write strong and independent female characters
.

Y
our women have to be smart, tough, streetwise, courageous, heroic, and good. They have to be smarter than their male costars and they have to have women friends they bond with. It helps if they have gay friends—male or female—and it’s not even harmful to have
them
be subtly bisexual.

While they may kiss men on-screen and condescend to them and patronize them and make love to them (in darkly shot scenes), there should be something in their persona that says,
All men are assholes
.

If you’re male and trying to write a female character
…

S
creenwriter/director Ron Shelton (
Bull Durham
): “Write a woman’s character as a man, then change any specifics, and you’ll find there’re very few things you have to change.”

Write a buddy movie about two women
.

Y
ou’ll sell the script, though the movie might fail.

Director/screenwriter Anthony Minghella, discussing
Cold Mountain
: “I wanted to make a movie about … the joy that occurs when men are away and women find each other and help each other. The relationship between Ruby and Ada, the wit of it, and the idea that there could be this exchange of gifts between people, that you could help somebody else and they could help you and you would grow with them and laugh at them and laugh with them. Such a relief not to have made a movie in which the two women are fighting over the same guy.”

You can get away with trashing straight white males
.

T
here is no male counterpart for the National Organization for Women (thankfully). There are no male lobbying or pressure groups. And, as a group, straight white males have been so beaten down by their wives and girlfriends (and by media coverage, especially TV ads) that many believe they really
are
and
have historically been
villains and/or assholes.

Redeeming Social Values

The values (liberal, progressive, or elitist—that’s your choice) shared by most Hollywood studio heads, producers, directors, stars, screenwriters, and all those others who want to work in this town again.

Too Ethnic

A story that is too Jewish or too black.

I don’t shoot my villains
.

S
creenwriter Herman Mankiewicz (
Citizen Kane
): “In a novel a hero can lay the girls and marry a virgin for a finish. In a movie this is not allowed. The hero, as well as the heroine, has to be a virgin. The villain can lay anybody he wants, have as much fun as he wants cheating and stealing, getting rich and whipping the servants. But you have to shoot him in the end.”

Orson Welles agrees with me: He said, “Most heavies should be played for sympathy.”

No Denzel in bed with Gwyneth
…

A
fter
Monster’s Ball
, it’s possible to get a movie made that includes torrid sex between a white man and a black woman—but the reverse won’t fly.

Denzel Washington or Jamie Foxx in bed with Gwyneth Paltrow or Charlize Theron (or even the dark-hued Angelina Jolie)? Forget it.

Hollywood executives are secretly still afraid there would be riots, lynchings, and God knows what else in the streets.

Richard Pryor and Margot Kidder got it on in a movie called
Some Kind of Hero
many years ago; the footage was so hot that it can still be seen at certain producers’ parties, along with Mickey Rourke and Carrie Otis in
Wild Orchid
and, for comic relief, Sharon Stone and Billy Baldwin in
Sliver
.

Don’t be afraid to write sex scenes
.

N
othing risqué, nothing gained,” said Jayne Mansfield, sexy actress.

Showing a little flesh won’t hurt your movie
.

A
ctor James Coburn: “A little titty never hurt anyone.”

Swimming pool scenes are fine
.

L
ouis B. Mayer: “You’d be surprised how tits figure in a hit movie.”

But write genteel sex scenes
.

C
onsider Louis B. Mayer
leching
with Hedy Lamarr: “If you like to make love—fornicate—screw your leading man in the dressing room, that’s your business. But in front of the camera, gentility. You hear? Gentility!”

“Side-Al” Nudity