The Devil and Danna Webster (13 page)

“She didn't kill the baby too?"

My mother's eyes opened wide as if she were in shock. "Oh, no," she hastened to say. "Nothing like that! We took care of the baby."

"Then I don't understand? Where is Lori's baby?"

My mother turned away again.

"Mother, what happened to her child?"

"The baby was adopted."

"Who adopted the baby?"

She hesitated, biting down on her lower lip. Her eyes would not meet mine. My heart started racing.

"Please, tell me! Who adopted Lori's baby?"

My mother took a deep breath and then exhaled slowly. "We did."

"You did?" I repeated, totally uncomprehending.

"Yes, you were that baby."

"I was that baby," I parroted.

We sat in complete silence for several moments while what she said sunk in.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"I'm telling you now," she said in an oddly flat voice.

"No, I forced you. It's different."

"You weren't ready to know about Lori. You were too young. We had to protect you for your own good."

"You should at least have told me I was adopted. I had a right to know. Were you ever going to tell me?"

She didn't answer, but I thought I knew what the answer was anyway. "So you're not really my mother, just like he's not my father."

She turned and faced me then, this woman I had called mother since I could speak or remember. "Of course I'm your mother! Who cared for you since you were an infant? Who sat up at night and worried when you were sick? And who has always been there to love you!" She started to cry. I'd never seen her cry before, not even when Grandma died.

"Tell me about Lori," I said in a wavering voice. There was a hard lump in my throat and I could barely swallow. "Was she anything like me?"

"She looked a lot like you. Or should I say, you look a lot like her? Lori was special. A sweet, pretty girl, gentle and loving, very sensitive."

"And my father?"

"He was just a young boy. Wanted to be an architect, I believe. I guess you got your eyes from him. They were gray-green like yours."

"What was his name?”

“Daniel Webster. It's on your birth certificate. Lori wanted you to have his name. That's why she called you Danna, for him.”

“Where does his family live?"

"Honey, they don't know you exist.”

Tears rained down my cheeks. "How can you be sure of that?"

"I know," she said with an air of finality. "Some things are best forgotten." She reached out to me.

“This is very hard for me to accept. Where is his family?”

“They were from somewhere in New England originally. After their son's death, they moved back there.”

“How could you not tell me?”

"I love you. You are my daughter. I couldn't love you more if I'd given birth to you myself."

I wanted to go to her, to reach out and tell her that it was all right, but I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I was too hurt, too confused.

“My English teacher asked if I were any relation to Daniel Webster, the famous political orator.”

“I believe Lori's Daniel did claim some distant kinship. Is that important?”

"I'm going out for a while. I want to do some sketching at the beach." I didn't wait for her to reply. I left her sitting there and ran downstairs.

The rest of the day passed in a blur. I can't say what I did. It was as if I no longer knew myself. Who was I anyway? I was a stranger in a strange land.

My parents weren't really my parents. I guess that explained a lot, but not enough, not nearly enough! I walked along the beach for a very long time until it got cold and I was shaking with chill. Then I returned to the house because I didn't know where else to go. The phone was ringing when I came in. I called out that I would answer it.

Kevin was at the other end. "What would you like to do, angel. I haven't made any special plans. See, I'm trying to respect your opinion. Like the new me?"

"Anything we do will be all right. I don't care. You decide."

"Want to go into the city?"

"I think I'm too tired today."

"Sure, let me see if I can find a good movie."

"Sounds fine."

After I hung up the phone, I saw that my stepfather had wheeled himself into the living room.

"Where's Mom?" I asked. The word
Mom
now hung on my tongue.

"She went over to the store. Took a few extra hours. She was very upset."

"So am I. How could you not tell me the truth all these years?"

He eyed me steadily. "Your mother and I agreed it was the right thing to do.

"To lie, to deceive me about my birth? I had a right to know."

He refused to answer and abruptly changed the subject. "Where are you going tonight?" he asked without any trace of emotion.

"To a movie with Kevin."

"You see too much of that boy."

"Not really."

"Just watch out for him."

"Why? So I won't end up like Lori?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact."

I looked into his brooding face. "I don't exactly know who I am, but I'm not Lori."

"She put your mother and grandmother through misery and she destroyed her own life along the way. I don't want history repeating itself."

"You don't trust me at all, do you?"

"Don't accuse me. It isn't true."

"Sure it is. I'm not your daughter and you don't really even like me. You've always had a low opinion of me. Well, I'll do what I think is right."

“Shall I'll tell you about your real father? He was a private, just a young, green recruit. He got blown to smithereens. I paid the sympathy call to his parents and to your family as well because I knew he loved Lori. I was his sergeant. I felt responsible for him. He was a good kid. That was when I met Lori and her big sister, Sue. I fell for Sue. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. We were married before I went back for my next tour of duty, before Lori died. Sue and your grandmother pitched in and raised you. When I came home, and then became crippled, Sue took care of me too. Never once complained. She loved me and loved you. She's a terrific woman, a fine wife and mother. Yeah, I'm a little bitter about how my life turned out, but I'm coping the best way I can. Life isn't always easy, kid. Deal with it!”

I went to my room and didn't come out until Kevin arrived. He was in an odd mood. He seemed preoccupied, as if he were worried about something. I was sure that once we were alone I would tell him everything. I knew that he would be sympathetic. Yet, when we were finally in his car, I just couldn't talk about what had happened. The pain was too great. The disillusionment was too raw and too new.

I couldn't concentrate on the movie either. My mind just kept returning to what I'd read in Lori's diary, the conversation between Mom and me and then what my stepdad had said. When we stopped at a local diner for sandwiches, I could barely eat.

"What's the matter?" Kevin asked as I stared at my turkey club sandwich. “You still haven't forgiven me, right? I didn't take you for the kind of girl that held a grudge.”

“Kevin, it isn't always about you.”

He snatched my hand and kissed my fingertips. “Sweetheart, I'm always the star of my own movie. And I want you to be my co-star.”

“I'm not angry at you, Kevin. I've got something on my mind that has nothing to do with you.”

“Like what?” He rubbed his cheek against my hand in a gesture of comfort.

How could I tell him? I groped for appropriate words. "I don't think I want to go to the Halloween dance after all. You were right, dressing up in costumes is dumb. It's for little kids."

He smiled at me. "I wouldn't go that far. Anyway, if the costume is stumping you, don't worry. Caron found a great costume rental house in the city. She put in an order for herself and I'll just put in another for you and me."

"I can't let you do that."

He took my right hand and kissed the palm then smiled reassuringly. "Hey, no problem. I want to do it. Don't sweat the costume issue. Relax, we'll have fun."

I nodded, unwilling to argue. I was feeling too drained.

We didn't drive directly home. Kevin parked at the beach.

He put his arm around me and held me close; I clung to him. At that moment, he seemed like the only genuine person in my life. He was my lifeline.

"Have you been thinking about what we discussed?"

For a moment, I drew a blank. I shook my head.

“You're not ready to think about us getting serious?”

“I've been preoccupied with family matters. No, I haven't thought about anything like that.” It was the last thing on my mind at the moment. "Maybe we could talk about it some other time?"

"Sure," he said. "I don't want to talk anyway." He leaned over and kissed me. I wanted to respond, but I felt so emotionally drained that I just held on to him. Of course, I sensed he wanted much more from me. As the intensity of his kisses increased, I pushed away from him.

“Don't be frightened," he said.

He wasn't frightening me. Yet, I couldn't catch my breath. My voice came out in a dry whisper. "Kevin, I can't do what you want, at least not now. I'm not ready for it. Actually, I don't think I want that kind of relationship until I get married."

He looked at me in surprise. "You're talking trash. That's so dumb! You know how silly that sounds?" Color rose in his cheeks.

"Well, maybe I haven't grown up yet. Maybe I don't even want to." I got out of the car and slammed the door.

He came out of his side of the car in a flash. He took my arm almost immediately and pulled me toward him.

"Hey, it's all right, Dani. I'm sorry. I guess I was pushing you too hard. I do have a quick temper. Have to learn to keep a lid on. Let me take you home. It's okay. I understand. In fact, that was just the kind of answer I expected from you."

"You did?" I blinked.

He gave me his old charming smile again. "Sure. You know how I feel about you. Nothing's changed. I respect you. You're still my angel." He kissed me gently on the cheek and took my hand, guiding me back to his car.

"I'll take you home, sweetheart." We didn't talk anymore. He walked me to my door and kissed me on the lips, just a quick peck.

I don't think I ever felt so alone or lost in my entire life. Why hadn't I told him about Lori? I'd wanted to tell him; but the words hadn't come. I thought about her having a baby when she was not much older than me, trying to cope, and falling apart. I never wanted to be in her situation. Never! The great thing about being a teenager is that you have infinite options and possibilities — at least, you think you do. I wanted the chance to make my own choices and decisions, not close myself to opportunity the way Lori had. She destroyed for herself the best part of being a teenager.

It took me hours of tossing and turning before I fell asleep that night. When I awoke the next morning, my mother was already at church and my stepdad was buried in his newspaper. So I grabbed my sketchpad and headed for the beach. I went to my favorite spot up on the hill where I could be alone. My life seemed to be in total chaos. I couldn't speak to my parents, and as for Kevin, he might have said nothing had changed, but I sensed that was not the case. He wanted us to have sex. Would I lose him if I didn't? But it wasn't what I wanted. Not now. Not yet. Didn't that matter? What a mess! I couldn't even do a decent sketch. I was just too upset. No way could I concentrate.

I don't know how long he stood there before I sensed his presence.

"You usually do a lot better stuff," he said in that easy, unaffected voice of his. I looked up and saw the sunlight arabesquing through his golden mane of hair.

"I'm in a rotten mood," I told him bluntly.

"Having trouble with schoolwork?"

"Among other things. I'm not as smart as you are." I closed my sketchpad and put my pencils in my pocket.

"Want to take a walk? I'm a good listener."

I shook my head. "It won't help. I think I'd rather work on geometry — only not at my house if you don't mind. Could we go to the library?"

"Sure, whatever you like. Mind if I stop at home before we go to the library?" he asked. "I want to check on one of my brothers and see if he'd like to come along."

I agreed and Gar drove to his house first. He lived in a large, white colonial, solidly constructed and well cared for.

"Come on in," Gar said. "No point you waiting out here in the car."

So I followed his long-legged stride into the front hall.

"Paul!" Gar called. From another room, a young boy, no more than eleven, came toward us. He walked with a severe limp, his hands held in an awkward posture. His hair, like Gar's, was spun gold, but there the resemblance ended. The boy wore thick glasses and seemed painfully thin.

"Paul, I want you to meet Danna." The boy stared at me and smiled.

"She's pretty, Gar. Is she your girlfriend?"

"No, Paul, Danna's just a friend. We're going to the library.

Why don't you come with us?"

Paul was adamant in his refusal. Gar finally gave up and we left.

"Paul was born with cerebral palsy," Gar explained as we headed back to the car. "His brain functions fine. But he will never be able to play football or even walk normally."

"I'm sorry," I said and meant it.

"I want to help him as much as I can, but it's hard. He doesn't want to go to the library, for instance, because he thinks other kids will stare at him or make comments. And he's probably right. Still I think he's got to learn to handle it and live as normal a life as possible."

"Paul is lucky to have you for a brother," I said, meaning that as well.

Gar shook his head. "Paul isn't that lucky. Our mother left him when he was an infant."

"You mean she left because he was born with a birth defect?"

Gar put the car into gear and started the engine. "She took off because she said she couldn't stand it. She dumped it all on Dad. Started a new life in California. But that's the way she is." He drove off toward the Civic Center. "Just giving birth to a kid doesn't make a woman a mother."