The Destroyer Goddess (53 page)

"Can we win the war without Baran?" Mirabar asked.

"It doesn't matter, does it?" Tansen said sourly. "If the answer's no, it's not as if we can force him to live longer." He eyed her suspiciously, wondering what other strange surprises she might have in store for him. "Or is it?"

"Sister Velikar does her best, and Baran's will to live is strong. He doesn't want to die without destroying Kiloran. He doesn't want our daughter to face Kiloran someday."

The words
our daughter
cut through Tansen fiercely, linking Mirabar to Baran in a way which excluded him. 

"In that case, why hasn't Baran done it yet?" Tansen snapped. "Why is Kiloran's power still secure?"

"Because it's far from easy."

"So you're
defending
that madman and his inabil—" 

"You're being unreasonable."

"I'm not..." Actually, yes, he supposed he was. "There's no..." Oh, why bother? "It's hard for me," he admitted, "to listen to you talk about him as you do while you sit there with his child in your body."

"Then perhaps you can finally understand," she said quietly, "how hard it is for me to know that you still care for Elelar. That you always will."

"I always understood, Mirabar," he said wearily. "It wasn't what I wanted, but it was something I could never change. I still can't, not even now. Anymore than I can change... how I feel about you."

"Yes." Her voice was scarcely more than a whisper. "That's what
I
finally understand."

He watched the faint shifting light play over her sculpted cheekbones and waited for her fire-blessed eyes to meet his. When they did, she said, "I didn't want to care for a half-mad waterlord who has already hurt far more people than Elelar will hurt in the whole of her life. I don't love him. I often despise him. I sometimes fear him. But I care for him. And whether that's right or wrong, I can't change it."

Tansen thought she might as well cut out his heart with one of his swords, because it would hurt less than hearing her express such feelings for the man whose bed she shared. "I'm sorry," he said at last, his throat a little raw. "I don't think I really understood, after all, how it's always made you feel that I can't just... kill her, or hate her, or even be indifferent to her."

"No, I really didn't think you did." A moment later she added softly, "Until now."

"And since neither of us knows what will happen now, or who'll live and who'll die, I want you to know..." He reached out and took her hand. "You're the one I love."

Her mouth trembled in the flickering light. "I know." She reached out to touch his face, and he closed his eyes, letting himself pretend it was only the beginning. "And loving a man who isn't my husband isn't something I can stop or change, either."

"Does he know?" Tansen whispered.

"Ever since the moment he found you trying to talk me out of marrying him."

His eyes flew open. "What did he—Has he ever—"

"Oh, he's not jealous or angry about it." Mirabar shook her head. "Depending on his mood, he either thinks it's funny or else pities me."

"I have never understood him," Tansen muttered.

"But I do," she said. "And learning to understand him saved me from becoming like him. Knowing Baran has taught me that someone gifted with as much power as he has—as I have—can't afford such bitter, obsessive hatred."

He'd rather dwell on Baran's death than on his character flaws. Fresh hope sent Tansen's heart soaring, making him feel strong and optimistic again, despite everything else falling apart all around him. This was his opportunity to claim the woman he loved, after believing she was lost to him. He boldly kissed Mirabar's hand and then held it against his cheek. "If Baran's dying, then soon you'll be free to—"

"It doesn't seem right to talk about it," she said, her palm warm against his skin. "I mean..."

"To talk about what we'll do when he's dead?"

"It feels... disloyal."

Part of him was appalled by this sentiment, but the rest of him was still
shallah
enough to understand that he shouldn't dishonor her by forcing his point. So he nodded, stood up, and helped her rise, too.

"In that case," he said, "I think it's time for me to return you to Faradar."

She nodded, too, accepting that they had moved too far forward to retreat easily back into safe territory tonight. "When will your men start returning to report on whether or not Cheylan has been seen?"

"A few days, I would think." He turned and let his gaze survey the many men camped in these ruins. "Hopefully Jagodan will have arrived by then, we'll have ended the bloodfeud, and we can devote our full attention to hunting Cheylan as soon as we get news of him."

"May Dar make it so," she prayed, because she was still on speaking terms with the destroyer goddess.

Chapter Twenty

Wine is sweet, but the 

blood of men is sweeter.

                              —Jagodan shah Lironi

The brassy sunshine of the late dry season was heavily dimmed by the smoke and ash filling the sky. The volcano had been menacingly active throughout the past two days and nights, with showering explosions of lava spewing straight up out of the caldera to mingle with the dancing lights and colored clouds which surrounded the mountain's peak. Loud explosions coming from Darshon woke Mirabar on those rare occasions when her nerves even allowed her to fall asleep. Towering columns of dark smoke billowed out of the caldera more and more frequently. Shimmering ash had fallen on Gamalan throughout most of the day, and it was now ankle-deep in some places. Mirabar tried to shake some of it off her expensive boots as she crossed what had once been the village's main square and looked for Tansen.

She knew he wasn't happy about her choice to leave certain things unsaid between them, but he respected her wishes. She suspected Baran would be amused if he knew about her scruples, but it nonetheless felt wrong to plot with the man she loved about what they'd do once her dying husband was safely on the funeral pyre. Meanwhile, there was real understanding between her and Tansen, perhaps for the first time, and that was not a gift either of them took for granted. However, the feelings between them were also stronger than ever now, so they had avoided speaking privately again after her first night here, three days ago; the temptation to violate her wedding vows was unbearable, and she could tell that Tansen knew it and didn't enjoy the struggle any more than she did.

The tension among everyone gathered in Gamalan was also unbearable. Jagodan's continued absence inspired some of the men here to claim that he didn't intend to come, and to insist they were wasting their time here; they should go hunt down all the Lironi and slaughter them like the beasts they were. In addition, the persistent thunder and roar of the volcano scared them all; and since
shallaheen
didn't like to admit fear, they let it come out as quarrelsome bad temper. And even if they didn't all die here in an eruption, an earthquake, or an avalanche, they foresaw a terrible harvest if the volcano didn't stop these rages soon: Everyone here knew what would happen when the sky became too dark for the remaining drought-withered crops to survive.

 "Not that it will matter," one of them said, "what happens to the sky if the rains don't come—and
soon
."

"The rains will come. They must come."

"But if they
don't
come this year, we're all as good as dead."

"Why worry? The volcano will kill us before we can leave this miserable, haunted place to starve to death somewhere else."

Feeling depressed by such comments, Mirabar finally found Tansen talking with a very dusty-looking man. When Tansen saw her, he dismissed the other man and said, "It's good news, Mira. Cheylan and a woman were seen riding away from a
toren
's hunting lodge a few days after Elelar left her estate with him."

"Then they
are
here!" It was the first real confirmation she'd had that she wasn't looking in the wrong part of Sileria.

"And they were heading toward Darshon."

"Can we go after them?" When Tansen started to shake his head, she said, "I know
you
have to wait for Jagodan, but I can—"

"I don't want you going after Cheylan alone."

"Then send men with me."

"I meant, alone without
me
. And I definitely don't want you wandering the countryside without me. Verlon's assassins are everywhere, and he may have already heard that you're in the district."

"But I can't just—"

"Mirabar, all we've done so far is confirm that you're right, Cheylan's in the district and probably close to Darshon. You believed that already, and this information doesn't give us a better idea of where to look for him."

"But—"

"Give the men a few more days to find something else, something more specific. Cheylan was seen once, so it's likely he'll be seen again."

She bit her lip, folded her hands together, and nodded her head. Tansen was thinking more clearly than she was, and he was right.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, changing the subject.

She unfolded her hands and smoothed them over her stomach. "Not bad. Just tired."

"Yes, I don't think anyone here has gotten much sleep these past two nights."

She sighed. "And it's making them..."

Mirabar stopped speaking as a terrible rumbling swept through her and filled the air around her. There was a fierce explosion, followed by the sound of crashing rock. The ground started shaking—subtly at first, and then with sudden, violent heaves that knocked her off her feet. Somehow Tansen's arms were around her and he cushioned her fall. Then he rolled on top of her, shielding her with his body as he pressed her face into his shoulder.

Mirabar clutched at him and ground her teeth together, praying for the earthquake to stop. She heard an ear-splitting crack, then a horrifying shower of rocks thundering down the mountainside. Pebbles rattled against the ground all around them, and a sharp one struck her calf, making her grunt. She heard men screaming, then there was an inhuman spine-chilling screech that sounded as if the mountains themselves were screaming.

Then, gradually, she heard something else in the midst of the terrible cacophony... She finally recognized it as the frantic pounding of her own heart—or maybe Tansen's heart. His chest was pressed so hard against hers that she could scarcely breathe. But she must be breathing, because she could hear herself panting. Or was that him?

Both of us...

Heartbeat. Breathing. Yes, she could hear these things now, and she realized that the thundering of the ground was already drifting into a dying rumble.

Mirabar was shaking hard when Tansen finally helped her to her feet. His hands held her shoulders as he looked her over, his dark gaze intent. "Are you hurt?" he asked.

She shook her head, still not ready to speak, then raised a hand to the gash on his cheek and showed him her bloody fingertips so he'd realize that
he
was hurt.

He barely acknowledged the sight before pressing his palm over the slight bulge of her belly. "You're not... I mean,
nothing's
hurt? You're sure?"

She placed her hand over his. "I..." She coughed. "I feel fine. Just... you know."

Tansen nodded and wrapped his arms around her, hugging her fiercely. She hugged him back. 

His heartbeat, his warmth, the strength of his arms, the brush of his lips on her hair...

Then he made a strangled sound, pushed her away, and whirled around, gazing east. It took her only a moment to realize why he seemed to be staring into thin air.

"You're thinking of Zarien," she said. "At sea." Due east of here.

"Yes. I didn't think this would happen here. Not while he was at sea."

"What?" She didn't understand. "Why?"

He glanced at her, then his attention was caught by something behind her. "I'll explain later," he said, already brushing past her. 

Mirabar turned to look at what had captured his attention and saw that one of the Moynari had been hurt. It occurred to her then that she'd better go find Faradar.