The Desire to Touch (34 page)

Trey pulls away and sits back in the bath, pulling me down with him.

“My underwear?”

“Fuck that, just let me hold you.”

I lay back onto his stomach and his arms wrap around me once more. I feel weird, part of me feels relieved but there’s a major part of me that now worries that I’ve unleashed the nightmare again, the nightmare I’ve spent so much time trying to run from.

Treys hands slowly move over my body, gently washing me with the bubbles then rinsing off. His hands seem so big and secure, I have never let anyone touch my stomach before and I have even avoided touching it myself. His hands tenderly move over me and I feel like I’m being touched with the feathers of a phoenix.

My tears begin to dry up and my breathing has returned back to normal, His hands stop the washing and embrace me tightly, making me sigh aloud.

“Are you ok?” Trey asks mildly.

“I am now,” I smile and my voice sounds so much brighter, I amaze myself.

“Let’s get you dried off,” he says, leaning me forward and reaching a towel. He climbs out of the bath and wraps the towel around his waist, whilst the rest of his body glistens under the spot lights.

Trey collects another towel from the rack and stands waiting for me to get out, I stand and he swaddles me in the towel. Walking into the bedroom it’s not gone unnoticed that he hasn’t said anything else to me, is this it? Is this how I always pictured it would go, there would be a sympathetic period of time and then the cold, harsh brush off. I stop by the side of the bed holding the towel tightly around me as Trey walks silently into his wardrobe. This is it, shall I leave now to save him from trying to think of an excuse why we shouldn’t see each other.

Trey walks out of the oversized closet wearing only sweat pants and towel drying his hair, he doesn’t look at me, I can see his jaw is clenched as he rubs his hair and that just confirms my fears – I’m scared. I look down and start to bite at the towel that covers my hands, the ends of my hair are wet from the bath
and I can hear the drips pooling on the floor. I close my eyes and wish I could turn back the clock to before I showed him. I sense the heat of his body next to me so I open my eyes and slowly look up to him, scared of what I will see.

Treys beautiful face looks down at me and now it looks like a face of pity, I roll my eyes and shake my head. Turning on my heel, I head for the bathroom to collect my clothes.

“Where are you going?” Trey calls after me, he’s rooted to the spot.

“I’ve seen that look before,” I croak as I pick up my jumper. With my back to him, I drop my towel and reach around to undo my soaking wet bra. Trey is behind me in a heartbeat. His hands spin me around so quickly that I’m left a little disorientated, he kisses me desperately on the lips, one hand snakes around my back pulling me into him while the other fists my hair holding me in place.

“Don’t ever think that, I don’t think any differently of you I’m just angry.”

I pull away from him, “Angry at what?”

Treys eyes reveal his confusion, “That you’ve been so hurt.”

I lay my face on his chest and throw my arms around him, “Can we go and see the stars please?”

He tips my chin up, “Anything you want, but you need some clothes.”

He walks back into his
wardrobe; he then walks out with a hoody, a pair of boxers and some three quarter length jogging bottoms.

“Sorry, it’s all I’ve got,” He smiles.

I take off my bra and he slips the hoody on over my head, the jumper almost touches my knees, so using that as a shield I slip my knickers down and then he passes me his White Calvin Klein’s. I step into them being extra careful not to bend over too far, giving him a nice show while he sits behind me.

Trey wolf whistles and says, “Wow they look pretty damn good on you!”

I lift up the jumper and turn to the side to get a view in the mirror, “These are so much more comfortable than women’s knickers.”

I pull on the three quarter lengths and they fit me like ankle grazers, I pull a funny face and look at him sprawled across the bed.

“Ha! You’re so cute.”

“Good things, small packages and all that,” I reply.

“Too right.” He stands and pulls on a jumper, “Let me grab a blanket because it’s going to be cold up there.”

He opens the bottom drawer of one of the units under the TV and pulls out a black fluffy blanket.

Laying on the hammock, I stare into the sky watching the pretty lights twinkle.

“I think the others are still having a good time,” Trey rolls his eyes as he steps onto the balcony with two glasses. He hands me one and I look at him, “Brandy.” he says.

I sip it and feel the warmth as it runs down my throat and into my stomach.

“You really do love the stars don’t you?” Trey remarks sitting carefully on the hammock, then he moves his arm for me to lay my head on him.

I lay with a huge grin across my face, “Like your bangle, I feel safe when I can see them.”

“What happened, Ellie?”

I sigh, “I told you I worked for a private psychiatry clinic right?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I started out originally as the receptionist but after two years I was given more responsibility from the main psychiatrist of four, Dr. Anderson,” I shudder saying his name. “For the first two years It was ok - I did all the bookings, paperwork, ordering you know the normal mundane stuff - and all the Doctors were really friendly but we didn’t associate outside of work. Well Dr. Anderson started to become more and more friendly, he’d start hanging around me in the break room telling me jokes, then he’d ask me into his office for unnecessary things. I thought it was all innocent and that he just appreciated my work and what I did.” I shift around and turn into him more, still looking at the sky. “I never noticed it at first but if I had a boyfriend or even a male friend
, I couldn’t talk about them without him turning moody. Sometimes he would not talk to me and lock himself in his office for the whole day. Then one day he asked if I would be his PA because he had a new contract with a hospital and his referrals list was a job on its own. I jumped at the chance because it was better money, more holiday and we got on brilliantly. Anyway three months into the new job things started to change, he started sleeping in the office, his wife moved out taking their daughter with them. Rick started to become a recluse. I would overhear the other Doctors talking, sometimes about how the breakdown of his marriage had really torn him apart. So I started to spend more and more time in his office with him, thinking I could help. I was very misguided.” I sit up and reach for my drink off the floor, then cross my legs looking down at him as he listens to my every word.

I down the brandy and continue, “The prosecution said he was borderline psychopath suffering from schizoaffective disorder and the spells of depression became more frequent towards the end because he was delusional.”

Trey who is still hanging on my every word looks at me, “This sounds dark.”

“It gets worse.
One night when I was singing a set at the club I saw Rick sitting at the back of the club. Now, as I said we didn’t socialise out of work. I thought it strange, so after the set I went to confront him but he’d disappeared and left a single rose on the table.” I shift uncomfortably because I relive every moment like it’s happening again, I go to grab my bangle but remember it’s sitting on the floor in his bathroom. Trey places his hand on my wrist and I wince but the feeling of safety he sends through me keeps me going.

I take a deep breath and steady my failing nerves, “Rick started to cancel his appointments and he looked a mess, but I was naïve. One day I overheard one of the other doctors telling someone about Rick’s past; his mother had killed herself when he was young and he was adopted by a couple but their marriage broke down an
d he moved here with his mother. Ricks real father moved abroad when he was young. Everything just felt awkward at work I was trying to help him but there wasn’t much I could do. A few weeks before it came to a head, I went into his office and he called me ‘Mama’. I laughed it off, of course, and thought maybe he was drunk. A couple of days later I was in the Staff room and he came out and just stared at me for ages, I tried to talk to him but he didn’t reply so I carried on as if he wasn’t there.  I had started to look for another job at this point because without him, the clinic would need more partners and none of the Doctors had enough cash to invest, no money - no job.” I frown at Trey. “Anyway he started following me around in the last few weeks, he’d be waiting outside my house or in the shadows when I was at the shops or the club. I could never prove he was there but he was, I know I saw him.” I go to drink my glass but its empty and Trey hands me his to drink. I smile at him, “Are you sure you want to hear this?”

“Are you sure you want to tell me?”

I nod and close my eyes before telling the hardest part, I swallow the last part of his drink hoping it will give me the courage I need. “I had handed my notice in to Wendy, the other Doctor, and asked her to keep it quiet that I was going. She agreed that she wouldn’t tell Rick because he was going through enough with the divorce. You see none of them saw what he was like, they didn’t see the depression or the mood swings. I worked next to his office and I could hear him smashing things, I felt so awkward and scared but I was scared to leave without giving notice. He was clever, very clever, he acted as normal as can be when he saw the other Doctors, but he was dark and evil.  If he could follow me to the shops or home what would stop him from following me to ask me to stay?” Tears start to prick up in my eyes and I try to swallow the lump in my throat, I look up to the stars and just let the tears flow. “On my last day, I was sorting all the paperwork for the temp to take over, I guess Rick overheard Wendy or something because he knew I was going. He was shuffling around his office talking to himself and if I went in he would just stare at me with evil eyes.” I cringe remembering the eyes that still haunt me. “At 4:30 I was packing up to leave when Rick came out and offered me a drink. I said no I should leave but his eyes turned a fiery red; he was normally so kind and patient but the man that was stood in the doorway was someone else. It was like, at the click of a button, he completely changed. So I gave in and accepted a cup of tea from him, he went to the staff room and made me a drink. The nice Rick returned and he was laughing and chatting with all the other Doctors, taking them by surprise. I didn’t know who he was from one second to the next, I had the drink and helped everyone pack up.” I take a giant gulp of air, “Then things started to go a bit hazy, I remember everyone leaving and switching the lights out, but then it’s like I was looking down on my body. I could see Rick’s office and I was slumped in his chair, he was combing my hair and saying things like – ‘I sounded like his mother when I sang’. He carried me onto the patient bed in the room and strapped me down.” I look at Trey, “I don’t know all the finer details, its things
I think
I remember.”

Trey nods at me understanding and acknowledging me.

“Rick said my eyes were his mothers and he’d longed for me for so long, I was his, as he’d never had anything to call his own after his birth mother killed herself. He muttered on about how he was a difficult child and hard for her to look after. How he was better now and I was his second chance. He wanted me to sing but I could see myself just limp on the bed, he kept whispering, “Sing for me my Angel.” The heat from his breath burnt my face,” I stroke my face feeling it there again, Trey leans forward and wipes the tears from my eyes.

“I couldn’t move but I was starting to see him through my own eyes now, I don’t know how long I’d been there but I knew I wasn’t dead, but I wished,” I sob, “I wished he would just kill me and get it over with.”

Trey sits up and wraps his legs around me, so he’s facing me, he wraps the blankets over my shoulders, “You don’t have to continue.”

“I do, I do.” I wipe my eyes with the sleeve of his jumper that I’m wearing.

“He went on about cutting children’s hair when he was at school in Italy, so they looked like his mother. Rick was in love with his mother all very Oedipal, with delusions that I was now her. He spoke about when she tried to kill herself by slicing her wrist, but she failed to do it.” I sniff, “Apparently she told him that it was his fault, he made her do it and she would always remember him for that.” I pull up the sleeve and turn my right palm skywards, “
You will always remember you are mine Ellie, if she remembered, you will remember me!”
I imitate Rick’s words tracing the scar he created.

“He carved his initials into my wrist, I couldn’t feel it - hell I couldn’t move, and there was nothing I could do. I wanted to scream I wanted to call for help.”

Trey takes my arm and looks carefully at the scar, “That’s so wrong,” He places his hands over it tightly, “I thought you said she did kill herself?”

“She did, she jumped off the balcony of their villa and landed on the railings below.” I start running my finger across the jumper, copying the scar. “She was impaled on three spikes killing her instantly, he took the scalpel and sliced me from here to here,” I point.”

“To look like her?” Trey asks.

“Yeah.” I look up to the stars, “Though I couldn’t move and I was screaming for help inside, I could see the sky from his office window. If the stars were there then my mum was protecting me.” New hot tears fall down my face, which is rapidly cooling.