The Decadent Cookbook (33 page)

A recipe adapted from Marinetti’s
Cucina Futurista,
where it’s called
Boccone Squadrista
(Blackshirt’s Snack). Marinetti’s book was designed to startle Italians out of their sleepy pasta-loving ways and fill them with ardour for war. Hopeless of course for that purpose, the book remains a handy source of culinary shock tactics.

4
FILLETS
OF
MONKFISH

2-3
LARGE
APPLES

BUTTER

RUM

Bake each piece of fish between 2 large buttered slices of apple. Douse with rum, set on fire, and serve in flames.

2
LB
TOMATOES,
SKINNED
AND
CHOPPED

1
ONION,
CHOPPED
FINELY

BUTTER

OLIVE
OIL

BOUQUET
GARNI

GARLIC

4
CLEANED
MONKFISH
TAILS

First make a tomato fondue. You do this by frying the onion gently in olive oil and butter until it is transparent and tender, then adding the tomatoes, salt, pepper, bouquet garni, and a clove of garlic crushed. Cover and cook until the tomatoes are reduced to a pulp. Uncover, stir and cook the mixture till it thickens. Then sieve and add a tablespoon of finely chopped parsley or other fresh herbs of your choice.

After that, place your monkfish in a roasting tin with some oil, salt and pepper, and bake it in a very hot oven (475 F, 240 C, Gas 9) for 10 minutes. Lower the heat to just plain hot (400 F, 200 C, Gas 6) and baste the fish occasionally until it’s cooked: about 20-25 minutes.

Serve with the cardinal’s cloak of tomato fondue laid out to one side, and garnish with grapes and mushrooms. Glasses of Chartreuse or Benedictine, Gregorian chants, nuns’ or monks’ habits, etc, will all add to the solemnity of the occasion.

Another theologically ambivalent dish. Despite the grandiose title, the ingredients are humble, the taste both earthy and sublime. (This recipe will feed three to four.)

2
LB
OF
POTATOES

2
LB
OF
APPLES

SALT

9
OZ
STREAKY
BACON

Peel the potatoes and quarter them. (If you are using new potatoes, they will need no more than cleaning.) Put them into a large pan of water and bring to the boil. Peel and quarter the apples. Allow the potatoes to boil for about 10 minutes before adding the apples. When the potatoes are cooked, the apples should be soft without falling apart.

Dice the bacon and fry it in a pan. The thicker the bacon the better and ideally it should have enough fat that you do not need to add any to the pan. When the bacon is crispy, drain the apples and potatoes and put them into a hot serving dish. Sprinkle the bacon plus juices on top and serve immediately.

All cooks need a rest from time to time, so for dessert we suggest something ready-made: not Angel Delight, because the taste hardly seems worth the effort of opening the packet, but a selection of French pastries, preferably from the Saint-Sulpice area of Paris, where the pâtissiers are outnumbered only by the ecclesiastical outfitters. Suitable items are
religieuses, nonnettes, jésuites, sacristains, oublies
and
pets de nonne
(or, more politely,
soupirs de nonne)
. Follow or precede with Trappiste and Saint-Nectaire cheese, and accompany the meal with beer from the Abbey of Chimay, monastic liqueurs (Aiguebelle, Bénédictine, etc), or that old favourite, a bottle of Blue Nun.

by William Beckford

Prayer at break of day was announced, when Carathis and Vathek ascended the steps, which led to the summit of the tower; where they remained for some time though the weather was lowering and wet. This impending gloom corresponded with their malignant dispositions; but when the sun began to break through the clouds, they ordered a pavilion to be raised, as a screen against the intrusion of his beams. The Caliph, overcome with fatigue, sought refreshment from repose; at the same time, hoping that significant dreams might attend on his slumbers; whilst the indefatigable Carathis, followed by a party of her mutes, descended to prepare whatever she judged proper, for the oblation of the approaching night.

By secret stairs, contrived within the thickness of the wall, and known only to herself and her son, she first repaired to the mysterious recesses in which were deposited the mummies that had been wrested from the catacombs of the ancient Pharoahs. Of these she ordered several to be taken. From thence, she resorted to a gallery; where, under the guard of fifty female negroes mute and blind of the right eye, were preserved the oil of the most venomous serpents; rhinoceros’ horns; and woods of a subtle and penetrating odour, procured from the interior of the Indies, together with a thousand other horrible rarities. This collection had been formed for a purpose like the present, by Carathis herself; from a presentiment, that she might one day, enjoy some intercourse with the infernal powers: to whom she had ever been passionately attached, and to whose taste she was no danger.

To familiarise herself the better with the horrors in view, the Princess remained in the company of her negresses, who squinted in the most amiable manner from the only eye they had; and leered with exquisite delight, at the sculls and skeletons which Carathis had drawn forth from her cabinets; all of them making the most frightful contortions and uttering such shrill chatterings, that the Princess stunned by them and suffocated by the potency of the exhalations, was forced to quit the gallery, after stripping it of a part of its abominable treasures.

Whilst she was thus occupied, the Caliph, who instead of the visions he expected, had acquired in these unsubstantial regions a voracious appetite, was greatly provoked at the mutes, for having totally forgotten their deafness, he had impatiently asked them for food; and seeing them regardless of his demand, he began to cuff, pinch, and bite them, till Carathis arrived to terminate a scene so indecent, to the great content of these miserable creatures: “Son! what means all this?” said she, panting for breath. “I thought I heard as I came up, the shrieks of a thousand bats, torn from their crannies in the recesses of a cavern; and it was the outcry only of these poor mutes, whom you were so unmercifully abusing. In truth, you but ill deserve the admirable provision I have brought you.” - “Give it me instantly,” exclaimed the Caliph; “I am perishing for hunger!” - “As to that,” answered she, “you must have an excellent stomach if it can digest what I have brought.” - “Be quick,” replied the Caliph;- “but, oh heavens! what horrors! what do you intend?” “Come; come;” returned Carathis, “be not so squeamish; but help me to arrange every thing properly; and you shall see that, what you reject with such symptoms of disgust, will soon complete your felicity. Let us get ready the pile, for the sacrifice of tonight; and think not of eating, till that is performed: know you not, that all solemn rites ought to be preceded by a rigorous abstinence?”

The Caliph, not daring to object, abandoned himself to grief and the wind that ravaged his entrails, whilst his mother went forward with the requisite operations. Phials of serpents’ oil, mummies and bones, were soon set in order on the balustrade of the tower. The pile began to rise; and in three hours was twenty cubits high. At length darkness approached, and Carathis, having stripped herself to her inmost garment, clapped her hands in an impulse of ecstacy; the mutes followed her example; but Vathek, extenuated with hunger and impatience, was unable to support himself, and fell down in a swoon. The sparks had already kindled the dry wood; the venomous oil burst into a thousand blue flames; the mummies, dissolving, emitted a thick dun vapour; and the rhinoceros’ horns, beginning to consume; all together diffused such a stench, that the Caliph, recovering, started from his trance, and gazed wildly on the scene in full blaze around him. The oil gushed forth in a plenitude of streams; and the negresses, who supplied it without intermission, united their cries to those of the Princess. At last, the fire became so violent, and the flames reflected from the polished marble so dazzling, that the Caliph, unable to withstand the heat and the blaze, effected his escape; and took shelter under the imperial standard.

In the mean time, the inhabitants of Samarah, scared at the light which shone over the city, arose in haste; ascended their roofs; beheld the tower on fire, and hurried, half naked to the square. Their love for their sovereign immediately awoke; and, apprehending him in danger of perishing in his tower, their whole thoughts were occupied with the means of his safety. Morakanabad flew from his retirement, wiped away his tears, and cried out for water like the rest. Bababalouk, whose olfactory nerves were more familiarized to magical odours, readily conjecturing, that Carathis was engaged in her favourite amusements, strenuously exhorted them not to be alarmed. Him, however, they treated as an old poltroon, and styled him a rascally traitor. The camels and dromedaries were advancing with water; but, no one knew by which way to enter the tower. Whilst the populace was obstinate in forcing the doors, a violent north-east wind drove an immense volume of flame against them. At first, they recoiled, but soon came back with redoubled zeal. At the same time, the stench of the horns and mummies increasing, most of the crowd fell backward in a state of suffocation. Those that kept their feet, mutually wondered at the cause of the smell; and admonished each other to retire. Morakanabad, more sick than the rest, remained in a piteous condition. Holding his nose with one hand, every one persisted in his efforts with the other to burst open the doors and obtain admission. A hundred and forty of the strongest and most resolute, at length accomplished their purpose. Having gained the stair-case, by their violent exertions, they attained a great height in a quarter of a hour.