The Debra Dilemma (The Lone Stars Book 4) (12 page)

Come to think of it, this afternoon he couldn’t help but notice that Debra didn’t have a Christmas tree. He remembered that she liked the real ones because they smelled wonderful. She used to love Christmas time, all the holidays in fact, but she hadn’t mentioned it. Not that he’d spent that much time in her company recently. He should get her a Christmas tree and drop by with it and the ornaments to trim it. They could do it together. Come to think of it, he didn’t have a Christmas tree either.

He’d been providing for and protecting the people he loved and shouldering responsibility for as long as he could remember. He shoved his hand into the pound bag of Peanut M&Ms, grabbed a handful and tossed them into his mouth. Debra was driving him to junk food. He hadn’t had protein since…when…last week? Damn, he needed to start looking after himself.

Out of the corner of his eye, movement caught his attention.

Someone knocked on the passenger’s side window and he nearly jumped out of his own skin. Debra’s face filled the passenger’s side window. He unlocked the door. She opened it and slid in the seat next to him.

“You do realize that stalking is illegal in the state of Texas.” Her voice was so matter-of-fact. “And here at Safe Place where we harbor victims of domestic violence, we take stalking very seriously.”

“I’m not stalking you, I’m protecting you from violent people who might come here looking for their partners.” Oh. When he said it out loud, it did sound a lot like stalking.

“I can take care of myself.” She crossed her arms and watched him. “What exactly was your plan in case an irate husband knocked down my door? By the way, that door is three inches thick and double bolted.”

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Well, I hadn’t really thought that far ahead. I guess I’d tackle him and…um…probably punch him.”

That sounded manly.

“Have you ever punched anyone? Or for that matter, tackled anyone?” Her tone suggested that he was a small child pretending to be a superhero.

“Um…well…no, I’ve never exactly punched anyone, but I watch tackling up close and personal every single day.” How hard could it be? Bullies around the world punched and tackled every day and it wasn’t like they were mental giants. “Have you ever punched anyone?”

“Yes, I’m a second degree black belt in Krav Maga. And right now, I can think of ten different ways to break your nose without leaving my seat.” She shrugged like it was no big deal.

“Wow, that’s kind of hot.” He mashed his lips together. “I didn’t mean to say that out loud.”

One side of her mouth curled up in a smile. “It’s time for you to go.”

“Okay.” He really didn’t want to, but being arrested didn’t seem like the best way to win her back. “How about breakfast?”

She opened the car door and looked back. “I don’t understand.”

“How about I pick you up when you get off of work and we have breakfast together?” He didn’t want to leave her now, but if breakfast was the best he was going to get then he’d make do. “I’m not leaving until you agree to have breakfast with me.”

“Okay, let me get this straight, I can’t get you to leave me alone until I agree to spend time with you?” She shook her head. “Seems counterintuitive to me.”

“Not really. Think about it like this, you’re cutting out the middleman. I want to spend time with you and one on one is the most efficient way possible. That way we don’t have to involve the general public at all. You’re doing the world a favor.” Grace had once told him that he could talk anybody into doing anything. He hoped she was right.

“You make it sound like it’s my duty as a patriotic American to have breakfast with you.” She stepped one foot out onto the pavement. “Still, I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Why?” He was losing her, he could feel it. “It’s just breakfast. I could swing by when you get off work—”

“I get off at five in the morning.” She sighed long and hard. “Warren, it’s a bad idea. We have a terrible history, and I’m not interested in repeating it.”

“What if it turns out differently this time?” He’d never really thought of himself as an optimist, but here he was being optimistic.

“What if it doesn’t?”

“But what if it does?” He shot her a glowing smile.

She rolled her eyes. “Look, I’m finally getting my life together and I’m starting to like myself. You aren’t good for me. You’ve told me that a million times and now, I’m finally going to listen.” Her other foot was out of the door.

“God, I hate when people actually listen to the crap that comes out of my mouth. Come on, it’s just breakfast. Please.” In his heart, he knew that she was going to say no. Time to put on his big boy pants and tell her the truth. “Debra, I miss you. I miss us. I miss the person I was when I was around you.”

It felt like their future hung in the balance.

She analyzed his features for a couple of beats like she was trying to figure out if he was sincere.

“That was a long time ago. I’m not the same person—”

“Which is exactly why we should have breakfast so that we can get to know each other all over again.” He needed this…he needed her. Please God, let her say yes.

She heaved a huge sigh, and didn’t sound happy as she stood. “Fine. Pick me up at my condo at six.”

She closed the door and stomped across the street.

He felt like he’d won the lottery. She’d said “yes.” This was their beginning, because he refused to believe that it was the end. She was his other half and his life would only make sense when they were together.

They had a date…a breakfast date. He clicked the button that started the engine and pulled away from the curb. On the way home, he’d call Amil with his American Express Black card. If she couldn’t get the best European hot chocolate to Austin by six, he was turning in his card and telling anyone who would listen that that damned Centurion card was a piece of crap.

Hours later, Debra wanted to bang her head against the nearest wall. She sat at her desk and stared at the clock on her computer. She had a date with Warren in exactly two hours and twenty-three minutes.

What a disaster.

She was finally on a path that didn’t lead her straight to self-destruction, and then she had to go and say “yes” to the man. Sometimes she really wanted to kick her own ass.

But he’d been so desperate and—if she was being honest, she missed him a little too—okay a lot, but that was beside the point. Breakfast was just breakfast. It wasn’t going to lead to anything important like lunch or sex.

Good God, she barely remembered sex, especially meaningful sex with someone she cared about. Warren had always known just which of her buttons to push and in the right order. Sex had never been their problem, it was the everything else that didn’t work for them.

She wiped her sweaty palms on her jeans and rested her head against the chair back. Christ, she hadn’t had a date that she cared about in….well, since Warren. Anxiety slithered around in her stomach and she wished she’d just said no. No was a way better word than yes, but she’d chosen the hard way.

Her thoughts drifted back to one of their first dates. It had also been a breakfast date. Her father had been out of town, so she and Warren had taken one of the ski boats out on Lake Austin. Even though it was August, the water was sixty something degrees and they’d splashed each other over and over. They’d tootled up and down the thin stretch of Lake Austin while eating muffins and sausage wraps. It had been an average summer day, but it had been one of the best days of her life. Nothing special had happened, but the shear joy of being with Warren had turned it into something magical.

What did he want from her? It’s not like they could pick up where they’d left off all those years ago. Too much had happened, and they had too much history, but not all of it was bad. She had to remind herself of that. The six months she’d had with Warren had been the best of her life. And then he’d broken her heart. And then AJ had been born.

She swallowed the lump of regret that she never could shake.

If Warren hadn’t taken the money from her father, would they still be together? Would AJ have been born healthy?

She had no idea whether they would still be together, but AJ would have been born exactly the way he had been.

She sat up. AJ would have been born exactly the way he was.

For the first time, she allowed herself to see the situation for what it really was, a tragic accident. In the third week of her pregnancy, AJ’s neural tube failed to close completely. But Debra hadn’t realized that she was pregnant until two months later. By that time, the severe defect had already happened. If she’d had an ultrasound, doctors would have seen the problem, but there was nothing they could have done.

During her pregnancy she’d taken excellent care of herself. She’d eaten the healthiest food she could afford, she exercised, she took her vitamins. She hadn’t touched alcohol or smoked or taken so much as an aspirin. She’d done everything right, except that she wasn’t able to afford prenatal care with a doctor. Instead, she’d taken the midwife route. And while her midwife was excellent, experienced and supportive, Debra hadn’t been able to afford an ultrasound. She shook her head. It didn’t matter. Even if she’d had one, nothing could have been done to save the baby. In fact, a doctor would probably have ordered her to terminate the pregnancy. And in her heart of hearts, she knew that she wouldn’t have terminated the pregnancy, because she would have wanted to give her baby a chance. The outcome would have been the same. If she had it to do all over again, she would have chosen the same route—except for the ultrasound. She’d loved her midwife and the idea of a home birth had put her at ease. Since her mother had lost her battle with type one diabetes when she’d been fifteen, hospitals had always freaked Debra out.

She hadn’t caused AJ’s death. It would have happened no matter what.

Tears burned her eyes. It was time to stop blaming herself for something that hadn’t been her fault. In her heart, she would always have mommy guilt over losing AJ, but her mind was finally ready to accept the fact that she hadn’t caused his death. It was time for her to face the fact that she—along with her son—were victims of a cruel act of nature.

Now, she could see things so clearly. God hadn’t taken her son from her because of something she’d done. It was just like Grace said, “bad things happen to good people.” She was good people. This wasn’t her fault.

Warm tears rushed out of her eyes like a May rainstorm. From the box on her desk, she grabbed a handful of tissues and mopped her face.

For ten years, Debra had tortured herself over something she had no control over. Life had dealt her a cruel blow and she’d been beating herself up over it ever since.

She was a mother, she loved her son completely and unconditionally, and that would never change. But it was high time she cut herself a little slack and embraced all of the things she’d done right.

Through nothing but sheer determination, she’d lived through the worst thing a mother could ever face, she’d picked herself up and brushed herself off when she’d had no one in the world, she’d supported herself when everyone thought she couldn’t, and she helped victims every single day and she found that she liked—no, loved her job. She wasn’t at Safe Place doing penance for her misguided deeds, she was here because she was good at what she did, she wanted to help kids who were scared and broken, and she cared what happened to every person who walked through that door. This wasn’t about making up for her past, this was her place in the world. This is what she was meant to do.

It was a revelation. It was so clear. She was exactly where she wanted and needed to be. Every single second of her past had brought her right here to this moment and this place in time. And without the ugliness in her life, she wouldn’t appreciate the good things. She’d been so wrapped up in the ugliness of her life, she couldn’t, until now, appreciate it.

Her father had been wrong; she wasn’t worthless. She was a pretty damned fine human being who always tried to do the right thing, and if that wasn’t possible she did the smart thing. She managed the books for Safe Place, was in charge of stocking everything, and had counseled so many people she couldn’t remember all of their names. By God, she may not be Mother Teresa, but she sure as hell wasn’t worthless.

Her fist came down hard on her desk.

Today was the day she stopped hating and started loving herself. She would love her son until the end of time, but it was time to let go of the guilt. She could now see that guilt and love weren’t the same thing. She could feel one without the other.

A heaviness around her heart had been lifted. In some strange way, she felt like her slate had been washed clean…this was a new beginning.

It was time for the real Debra to come out of the shadows and into the light.

Life was about living, not hiding—and she was about to start living…big time.

Warren was a nervous wreck. Thunder boomed off to the west as rain pelted the windows of his condo. The lovely sunrise breakfast picnic he’d planned on the fifty-yard line of Lone Star Stadium was a washout. Lightning ripped through the sky as if to punctuate his disappointment.