The Death of Me (3 page)

As the priest took his place at the podium, I took a deep breath and let out a gut wrenching sob.

I’m so sorry, Grandpa.

A
fter the services were over, my father stopped me as I was walking out the back door. He told me he would really like it if I came over for dinner that night and that Mom would too. It had taken everything inside of me not to roll my eyes, but I accepted because I really didn’t feel like going out to a restaurant and I didn’t know if the hotel food was any good.

I did go back and change my clothes though. I didn’t want to go back to a place of broken memories in my funeral attire, no matter how appropriate it would have been. I chose a light blue sundress and a pair of white flip flops for the occasion. I remember reading somewhere that blue was the color for stability and confidence, and that was exactly what I needed to be able to survive dinner with them.

Around 4pm that afternoon, I left the hotel. Dinner was going to be around six, but Dad had asked me to come over early so we could catch up. My knuckles were white because of how tightly I was gripping the steering wheel and I kept fighting the waves of nausea that were threatening to make me sick.

This evening was definitely going to show me if I had any of that fourteen year old bravery left inside of me.

I pulled up in front of their house twenty minutes later and hopped out of the SUV. I took a deep breath, adjusted my purse on my shoulder, and walked up to the door. My finger hovered over the doorbell button for a moment. Did I really want to do this? I hadn’t come all this way for them and I really didn’t know what good would come out of this anyway.

The choice was taken out of my hands when the front door flew open. I jumped and pulled my hand away from the doorbell and Dad smiled sheepishly.

“I saw you coming up the walkway,” he admitted.

“Oh.”

“Come in, Zaydee,” he said, stepping back and motioning with his arm.

I nodded and walked through the open door. I crossed my arms over my chest and glanced around, realizing that not much had changed since I had left. The family pictures were still hanging on the wall in the living room which surprised me, and they seemed to have the same old couches they bought when I was a kid.

Maybe I’ll send them some new stuff. Depending on how this goes, anyway.

“So, how have you been?” he asked, as he led the way into the living room and sat down. I decided to sit in the old rocking chair in the corner of the room and shrugged.

“Rita! Zaydee is here,” he suddenly called out.

I cringed. I didn’t expect to have to see her so quickly after walking into the door, but this was their home and I couldn’t exactly forbid her from coming into her own living room.

In she walked, a carefully blank look on her face, as she went over and sat next to my father. The silence that followed her entrance was deafening. Dad awkwardly put an arm around my mother and I looked down at my fingernails. When I started to pick the skin around them, Mom spoke up.

“Don’t do that; you know how much I hate it when you do that,” she said quietly.

I sighed loudly and dropped my hands onto my lap. Mom looked away, Dad looked sad, and I just looked annoyed. I didn’t come for a “you’re in my house, you’ll obey my rules” dinner. Truth be told, the only reason I came was for the free food and maybe a quick look around.

“Sorry,” she muttered.

I didn’t respond. I didn’t even look at her anymore, instead I turned my attention to my father and gave him a tight smile. I guess it would be a good a time as any to ask him something that had been weighing on my mind since I left the wake earlier.

I wasn’t sure how to word it, or how to even bring it up, but the curiosity in me was piquing at an all time high and I needed to know.

“Hey Dad?” I asked timidly.

“Yes honey?”

“Does Mr. Spears still teach over at Rockford High?”

“No. He hasn’t been a teacher in about, oh, I’d say five years. That sound about right, Rita? Yeah, five years. Why do you ask?”

“I was just thinking of going to see him,” I replied quietly.

“He always was your favorite teacher,” he said warmly. “You’ll be happy to know that three years after you left, he actually got promoted to principal. He’s still at Rockford, just not as a teacher.”

Let’s see. If I’m twenty eight and he was thirty eight at the time, he would be ... Fifty two? Yeah. Fifty two.

“I’m sure he’d be quite happy to see you, Zay. He loves seeing his old students,” Dad said pleasantly.

“Hm,” I mumbled.

I was curious as to what he would look like. He had been so damn handsome when I looked at him through childish eyes, so it made me wonder if he would look the same to me through adult eyes. Did he still have the same dark brown hair or had it grayed some? Were his kind brown eyes as warm as ever, or had they grown as cold as they were after I had given birth? I didn’t know, but I decided that tomorrow, after the burial, I would go find out. I didn’t have anything to lose or gain from it and I was honestly curious to see if he would speak to me.

A
s I drove back to my hotel, I thought of how uneventful dinner was. I felt like I had been eating in a monastery of monks that had taken a vow of silence. The only sounds in the dining room were the occasional throat clearing, the sipping of wine, silver-wear on the plates, and my mumbled “thank you” when it was over.

I sighed when I reached the red light a few blocks away and put a hand against my forehead. Of the two, Dad seemed to be the one that genuinely liked having me in the house. Mom I kind of understood. We had just gotten back from viewing her father in a casket, so I didn’t expect a parade of glitter and rainbows.

I glanced at the time on the dashboard. It was six thirty one, which meant I had gotten out of there faster than I thought I would. I was happy about that much. I didn’t want to sit in that house any longer than I had to, making small talk with the two people that had damaged me the most.

An angry car honk behind me shook me from my thoughts. I put my foot gently on the gas and took a left turn, catching every green light on the way back. Once I parked, I had an idea. It was a slim to none chance, but I thought I would give it a try anyway.

I walked through the lobby doors and went up to the counter, drumming my fingers along the wooden top waiting for someone to notice me.

“Good evening! How can I help you?” the young girl with the bright, bleached smile asked.

“I need a phone book please,” I replied quietly.

“Sure thing!” she said as she bounced away from the counter. I glanced up at the huge flat screen television that sat on the wall behind where she had been standing and watched the news. A few minutes later, she came back, smile wide as ever, as she handed it over to me.

“Thanks.”

I held the phone book tightly against my chest as I walked down the hallway toward the elevators. I punched the button to call one of them down and waited. A moment later, I heard a ding and walked over to the elevator across from me and entered. I glanced at the numbers, pushed number five, and leaned back against the elevator wall waiting while I slowly climbed to my designated floor.

I waited impatiently for the slow doors to open before I walked out and turned right. My room was all the way at the end of the hall because I had requested it, and it was the largest one on the floor.

I fished around in my purse until I found the room card and slid it in quickly. The door unlocked quietly and I cast a glance down the hallway before I walked in, locking it firmly behind me.

With a sigh, I dropped my purse by the door and went over to the lush king sized bed that sat against the wall in the middle of the room and sat down. I bit my lip and wondered if what I was about to do was a good idea, if the information presented itself, but I decided I didn’t care and opened the book, flipping until I found the administration phone number for the school.

Here goes nothing,
I thought as I leaned back and grabbed the phone from where it sat on the bed and began to punch in the numbers. My hands were shaking so I wrapped one around the phone cord, waiting as the phone rang once, twice, three times.

I had given up and was halfway to hanging up the phone when someone picked up.

“Rockford High, this is Principal Spears,” the deep voice said.

I panicked. I hadn’t expected him to be the one to answer. Hell, I hadn’t expected anyone to still be there at all since it was damn near seven at night.

“Hey stranger,” I chirped.

“Who is this, please?” he demanded, the sound of papers rustling in the background.

“Oh yeah. Ha ha,” I replied nervously with a choked giggle. “It’s um, Zaydee Lansing.”

The papers immediately stopped rustling as Mr. Spears tried to process the information. I felt like years passed before he finally spoke again and in that time, I convinced myself over and over not to hang up on him. He already knew who I was so it wouldn’t serve anything to disconnect the call before I had my answers.

“It’s been a long time, Zaydee,” he said, quietly.

“Yeah. So, principal, huh? Congratulations,” I said. My voice was shaking and I had to clear it a few times to get a better grip on myself.

“Thank you. To what do I owe the pleasure?” he asked curiously.

“Um, I’m back in town. My grandfather died so you know. I had to make an appearance,” I replied.

Stop sounding like an imbecile,
I scolded myself.

“And I was wondering if you’d be interested in lunch tomorrow?”

He stayed quiet. Probably trying to decipher my intentions for getting together, but truth be told, I knew no matter how much I wanted to, I’d never be able to ask him what I wanted to know over the phone.

“Why don’t you just come over to the school? I’ll be here for another few hours getting some paperwork straightened out,” he finally said.

“Sure, I guess. Give me a little bit to change and I’ll be right over,” I replied.

“See you soon, then,” he said kindly.

“Okay.”

Neither of us hung up right away. We both sat there listening to the other one breathing, until he finally relented and disconnected the call.

I got up from the bed and sat right back down. I didn’t realize I was so unsteady in what I had just done until I tried to get to my feet. Why was I doing this? He was the only man that had ever broken my heart and I was wanting nothing more than to sit down with him.

I gave myself at least ten minutes before I got up again and went to my bags. I pulled out a pair of fitted, yellow denim shorts and a white fitted v-neck shirt. I was pretty sure I had brought my yellow flip flops with me, and that would make the outfit. I rummaged around the bag for a fresh pair of panties and bra, before I headed to the bathroom to take a shower.

As I turned on the water and undressed myself, I caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror and sighed. I didn’t even realize I had been smiling. No matter how bad this was going to be for me, it still apparently made me happy that Mr. Spears agreed to meet with me.

I shook my head as I undressed and stepped into the stream of hot water.

Better late than never.

T
he security post at the gates of the high school was empty so I drove right by it. I parked in the student section of the parking lot and gave myself one last glance in the rear-view mirror, before I hopped out and headed toward the main entrance. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get in, because the school had been closed for hours, but the closer I got, the more nervous I became.

“I almost went back to my office,” he said, pushing one of the double doors open for me.

He hadn’t changed much, with the exception of a few extra lines on his face, and his hair having a few gray patches here and there. He was still the same man I remembered from teenage years; ruggedly handsome, tall, and slightly built.

“Sorry. I had some stuff to do first,” I mumbled, looking at my feet.

“It’s good to see you again Zaydee,” he said, reaching forward and giving me an awkward hug.

I patted his back a couple of times before I pulled away and glanced up at him. His eyes had that warm smile that I ended up missing the rest of my years at Rockford High. Maybe he wasn’t angry with me anymore, maybe he was just trying to be nice. I would find out soon enough.

“Come on in,” he said stepping back. I walked just inside the doors and waited for him to lock up again, before he motioned for me to follow him down the hallway.

Mr. Spears led the way past the secretary’s desk into his office and sat down in his big leather chair. He smoothed out his black and white striped tie and rolled up the sleeves of his crisp white dress shirt, before crossing his hands on the large, polished oak table.

“I’m sorry for you loss,” he said, giving me a sympathetic look. “Which grandfather was it, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Frances,” I replied. “My mother’s dad.”

“Frances?” he asked with a shocked look on his face. “I wish I had known that. I would have gone to the services today.”

I raised a curious eyebrow. Why would he want to attend my grandfather’s wake?

A pleasant smile crossed his face. “Frances was a great man, Zaydee. He and I became close after you left.”

I nodded and crossed my arms over my chest, slumping a little in my seat. I wasn’t going to ask anymore questions on that. I didn’t want to know why they had become so close, I just wanted to know certain things and now was my chance.

“Mr. Spears—”

“Garret,” he said waiving his hand, “You’re not my student anymore.”

My eyes fell on his left hand when he put it back down. There used to be a bright golden wedding band on his ring finger when I lived here and now it was gone.

“What happened there?” I asked, keeping my eyes on his hand.

“Huh? Oh. I told her. I waited for the statute of limitations to run out and I told her. Not because I felt what we did was wrong, but because I knew she would be vindictive enough to turn me in for loving someone else. I didn’t exactly tell her all of it, but enough for her to leave,” he replied with a shrug, leaning back in his chair.