The Death House (18 page)

Twenty-Two

‘Why didn’t you wake me up?’ Clara hisses at me as we go into breakfast. It’s the last morning before the boat. I’m electric with contained excitement and her anger takes me off guard. Her face is tight and her lips thin as she glares at me. She’s never been like this with me before and again I feel that darkness of fear – that she’s finally realised I’m a twat.

‘I’m sorry. I figured you were tired. I figured with, you know, tonight, it was better to leave you to sleep.’ I don’t want her to be annoyed at me. I have to ask her about bringing Louis and that will probably freak her out enough. I’m not sure what I’ll do if she says no. I’ll have to bring him anyway and deal with it afterwards. That’s if he wants to come. Telling him is taking a risk but I don’t have a choice. Not if I want to live with myself.

‘It was our last night,’ she says, and I can see she’s hurt. ‘It was important.’

‘I’m sorry.’ I sound lame. I feel lame. I want to tell her that I nearly woke her up. That I wanted to go to the cave. That there were things I wanted to do together to say goodbye to the house as well. I’ve hated it here, but lots of me and Clara are wrapped up in these walls too. Brilliant stuff’s happened, too. I want to tell her that part of me was actually angry at her for falling asleep on such an important night. That in the end I just watched her sleep for a bit and then went through my old routine of getting some food before sitting in the playroom and staring at the sky. I felt lonely without her, even though it was good to have some thinking time to myself. To say my own goodbyes. I’ve been here longer than her, and I had another
before
to say goodbye to. Not the real
before
of our old lives, but the
before Clara
of the house. I can’t bring myself to say any of that, though. I don’t want us to fight. We can’t get the night back now. ‘I just thought . . . you know . . . that you were tired.’

She sighs a bit and her shoulders are still stiff as we sit down, but I squeeze her hand under the table and she squeezes back. I can’t imagine her staying mad for long. She’s too full of the moment for that.

‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper again.

‘I know,’ she says. ‘You’ve said it three times now.’

‘I won’t do it again.’ I smile and wink. The last night is gone. I can’t believe that this time tomorrow we’ll be fleeing across the mainland. I’m not worried about the boat. We’ll find somewhere to hide. In the lifeboat, maybe. I saw that in a film once and it worked for them. Our fate doesn’t lie in this house.

There’s ten minutes after breakfast before lessons. I find her coming out of the downstairs toilets and pull her into the music room on the same draughty corridor.

‘What is it?’ Her eyes are wide. She looks pale and worried. She must be itching to get away, too. I take a deep breath. This isn’t going to be the last difficult conversation of the day and I’m shit with words when I have to be serious.

‘It’s Louis.’

‘What about him?’

My heart thumps. ‘I think we should take him with us. I mean, not all the way, not to the beach and stuff, but I think we should get him out of here. He’s not himself. Not after Will. If we go, too . . .’ It’s all coming out in a garbled rush of excuses that are anything but the truth. ‘I’m worried he’ll crack up completely.’

‘Sure,’ she says. ‘Sure, that’s a good idea.’

‘I really want it to be just us, but I can’t leave him, I really can’t.’ I’m so sure I’m going to have to persuade her that my brain can’t compute her words fast enough to stop my own.

‘I said it’s fine.’ She squeezes my arm. ‘In fact, I think it’s a great idea.’ She reaches up and kisses me, butterfly wings on my lips. ‘It really is.’

‘You’re sure?’ I expected at least some questions. We haven’t talked about taking anyone else, not even little Eleanor.

She nods and smiles, and then is out through the door. I wonder if I’m ever going to really understand her. But still, it’s a weight lifted. And I haven’t really had to lie. All the reasons I gave were true even if they weren’t
the truth
. I’ll leave talking to Louis until later.

It’s a strange day. My whole life in the house I’ve been wishing for time to slow down and yet now I’m wishing it forward. I can barely sit still in my lessons and my thighs itch against the wooden chair. It’s a clear, sunny day and I hope the weather holds for tonight. Everything is about tonight. I try and concentrate on the comprehension questions but the words swim a little. All I know is that everything’s going to shit for Ralph and Piggy on their island and that’s not going to happen to us. I scribble down some crap answers anyway. I don’t want to do anything that will draw attention to me and it doesn’t matter if my answers are wrong. No one’s going to mark them.

Even though it feels to me like the hours aren’t moving at all, we finally crawl to lunch and I force myself to eat some shepherd’s pie. Clara only manages a few mouthfuls before declaring she’s not hungry and disappearing off with Eleanor. I don’t mind. Eleanor will miss her, especially after Will. I feel bad about that. As I eat, Tom talks about the new kids and one who can’t stop crying, but I don’t listen. Jake is in his element and the two new boys in Dorm 7 are already picking up some of his cockiness. Daniel is back to being bottom dog in that group. I watch it all but don’t really see it. My ears hum. This is our last lunch here. It’s all so surreal.

I’m in the playroom staring out of the window at the garden when Jake comes over. Clara is up in the branches of the tree, staring out at the sea. Her fingers stroke the bark of the trunk, and although I can’t see exactly, I know she’s touching the place where she carved our initials, and my heart floods warmth through me. It’s a beautiful day. Everything is bright.

‘You’ve noticed, too, then,’ Jake says.

I look at him. ‘What?’ I keep expecting someone to
know
what we’re planning, even though I know that’s crazy.

‘Preacher boy.’ He nods out through the window. ‘He’s getting sick. Joe says he stinks.’

Only then do I notice Ashley sitting on one of the swings.

‘That’ll make you two down.’ He grins, smug. The new kids have invigorated him. He’s back to old Jake, the pack animal, all about winning. Whatever feelings he has about the house, he’s locked them away again. I hope it lasts for him. ‘We’re only one.’

‘He’s not gone yet.’

Jack laughs at that and then walks away. I don’t care that he thinks he’s somehow victorious. I’m not even in the game. I never have been, really. I look out at Ashley and for the first time I just see a skinny boy rather than a smug twat. Jake might have laughed, but if Ashley really is sick then that worries me. It’s so fast after Will. I think about Matron and the pills and the new kids. Maybe she likes to keep the numbers manageable.

Ashley looks lonely on the swings. Maybe I should go outside. He’s Dorm 4, after all.

‘You feeling okay?’ It’s a stupid question. Even with the light breeze that dances across the grass I can smell him. Rotten milk. He must have scrubbed hard in the bathroom to hide that from us. A smell is bad. A smell is something the nurses will notice fast. His Bible is on his knees as he rocks the swing backwards and forwards.

‘Not too bad,’ he says. His eyes dart up to the windows at the top of the house. The sanatorium. He’s scared. With his God or not, I know he’s scared. Everyone here’s scared, and he’s no different.

‘I hope they still come,’ he says, quietly.

I frown, confused. ‘Who?’

‘The people who come to the church. And I hope I don’t let them down. I don’t want to be like Henry.’ He looks at me then. ‘Why are you even asking?’

I think of all the ways I’ve cut him down since I arrived here. And for what? He’s never hurt me. Not really. ‘You’re Dorm Four,’ is all I can say. I want to say I’m sorry but I don’t know how. ‘You won’t be like Henry.’

I’m breathing shallow and I hope he doesn’t notice. It’s coming for him fast if this stink is anything to go by. He couldn’t have smelled this bad in the night – it would have filled the whole room by the time we got up. Will went quickly and now Ashley’s going the same way. I think of the vitamins again. Matron doesn’t see us as people, I’m certain, because Matron is not a normal person. I’m not sure she’s a person at all. We’re like stock in a shop and now she has new stock, it’s time to get rid of the some of the old. After what she did to our nurse, I can easily believe her capable of hurrying our Defectiveness along.

‘Everyone’s always laughed at me,’ he continues, his eyes on the ground. ‘My dad was a preacher. A great one. People really
listened
to him. But he terrified them.’ He pauses and sniffs. ‘I never really got why it had to be about fear, you know? There’s enough to be scared of. I always thought it was about love. Even though the kids at school would laugh at me and kick my stuff around and call me names, I always tried to keep Jesus in my heart.’

I cringe a bit, I can’t help it, but I think that’s me, not him. I just can’t buy into all that crap, no matter how afraid I’ve been. I prefer Clara and the atoms and racing around the world like that.

‘It didn’t surprise me when I turned out Defective. I was always going to be. I never fitted in, anyway.’ Now he’s started speaking he can’t stop. I can see Clara’s legs swinging in the tree and wish I was up there with her.

‘When they came for me, my mum was upstairs somewhere and wouldn’t even say goodbye. My dad was there, though. He looked almost pleased. How sick is that? He gave me my Bible and told me to stop crying and go and bring the Lord’s word to the wretched abominations.’ He chokes a bit and swallows hard. ‘He called me an abomination.’ He looks over at me. ‘Do you think it’s wrong to hate your own father?’

‘He sounds like a bit of a cock, to be honest.’ I can still hear my mum screaming for me and I bet my dad has never forgiven himself for not being home when the van came. I think about the lies I told when I got here, the terrible stories I made up about my parents, trying to make myself sound tough, and I’m flooded with shame.

‘Yeah.’ Ashley half-smiles and he looks so ordinary. ‘I guess he was. But I got my own back. I haven’t scared anyone. And I haven’t lost my faith. I’ve done it my own way.’

‘Yeah, you have. You still are.’ I’m trying to find something good to say.

‘I hope I don’t let them down,’ he says. ‘I don’t want them to see me afraid.’

He doesn’t say any more, and I can’t think of anything that will make him feel better. I feel a bit shit. I’m sure Ashley could still irritate the crap out of me with his next breath, but right now I just feel sorry for him. He’s lost in his own world now, and after a moment I get up and leave him to it. I’m glad I’m not going to have to wake up and see his missing bed. Maybe when me and Louis are gone they’ll let Tom move into Dorm 7.

I wander over to the other side of the garden. The light, crisp breeze drops and the sun is warm on my back. Even after hearing Ashley’s dread I still enjoy it. It relaxes my tight muscles. It makes me think of the letter I carry with me everywhere. I stop in front of Georgie’s grave and behind me leaves and branches rustle as Clara climbs back down and comes to join me. This is one goodbye we’ll do together. I can still feel the rapid beat of his pulse against my fingers. The soft warmth of his feathers. His dark eyes watching both of us.

‘I really wanted him to fly away,’ Clara says. She looks so sad and her slim fingers entwine in mine.

‘We’ll fly away for him,’ I say. ‘For all of them.’

She nods, head down, her thick hair falling over her face.

‘I’ll meet you in the kitchen tonight?’ I say. ‘I haven’t talked to Louis yet – figured I’d do it before bed. I don’t want him giving it away somehow.’ I’m suddenly excited again.

‘Come and get me from the dorm when you’re ready,’ she says. She smiles at me then. She’s different today. Quieter. Reflective. I guess we’re both finding it weird saying our goodbyes. ‘I love you, Toby.’

‘I love you more.’

‘Not possible.’

‘I think I might vom if we keep going.’

She laughs aloud at that and the sound is beautiful in the sunlight. I don’t remember ever being this happy.

Twenty-Three

‘I need to talk to you.’ People are drifting up to their dorms after the film has finished and I grab Louis on the stairs. Tom is already complaining about the smell in our room now that Ashley is down from church and I can’t blame him. It’s creeping into the corridor like a bad fart. I hope some of Ashley’s flock turned up for him, but I know that at least Harriet will have been there. We’ve all formed our bonds in here, whether we wanted to or not, and I’m glad of that. It’s what life is all about, really. Love. Ashley’s right about that.

Louis pulls his arm free.

‘Fuck off.’ He tries to push past me. ‘I keep telling you to fuck off. Stop talking to me.’

‘It’s about the retest.’

He stops then and looks at me warily.

‘What about it?’

‘I’ve got something to show you. But not here.’

He chews his bottom lip, fighting between his hatred of me and wanting to know. ‘Okay.’ He storms towards the nearest bathroom and I follow, my heart racing. I close the door and then pull out the folded paper. I don’t say anything, but hand it to him to read.

He stares at it for a long time, his brow furrowing and then relaxing and then furrowing again. It’s a lot to take in. When you’ve lived with the fear for so long it almost becomes your friend. The future was the one thing we thought was certain. Eventually, he looks up.

‘Where did you get this?’

‘Matron’s office.’

He looks down again. He’s shaking. ‘But . . . But I don’t understand. Why hasn’t she said anything?’ He looks at me. ‘Why are we still here?’

‘You know that nurse? The one Will liked? She talked about his book?’

He flinches at the mention of Will. ‘What about her?’

‘She wanted to do something for us. And then Matron had her taken to the sanatorium.’

‘What?’ His eyes widen. ‘How do you know that?’

‘I just know.’ I’m growing impatient even though I’ve had days to get used to the letter and Louis’ only had minutes. ‘I
saw
her do it.’

Realisation dawns on him. ‘What’s she going to do to us?’

‘It doesn’t matter.’ I sit on the edge of the bath, refusing to see Will’s ghost there. I think Will would approve of this anyway. ‘We’re getting out.’

‘She’ll send us to the sanatorium.’ Louis’ eyes shine with horror.

‘She won’t have time. Listen to me – I have a plan.’ I shake his arm. ‘We’re going to get out.’ Finally, he focuses on me, on what I’m actually saying.

‘Out where?’

‘There’s a boat coming to the island tonight – it brings all the food and stuff for the house. Me and Clara will be on it when it leaves. We’ve got it all planned.’ I make it sound more organised than it is, and I wonder if we’d included Louis sooner whether he’d have something cleverer figured out. ‘You must come with us.’

‘Does Clara know about this?’ He looks down at the letter again.

‘No.’ I squirm a bit inside at the secret but try to sound casual. ‘I’ll tell her later. But you have to come with us. You know you do.’

He just stares at me for a long moment, the clockwork of his brain ticking over. His fingers are tighter on the paper. ‘Just leave?’

‘Yes. Tonight. Don’t take your pill. Pretend to sleep. Then we’ll go in the lull before they get up for the delivery.’

‘An adventure,’ he says softly. ‘Just like you said to Will.’

I lean forward and grab his hands tight. ‘Not like that. That was different. You know it was. Will was sick.’ I stare at him. ‘You have to come, Louis. You
have
to.’

‘Why?’ He pulls his hands away, leaving the paper in mine. He’s still so angry with me that I can see him fucking this up for himself. Maybe for all of us. ‘So you can feel better about Will?’

‘No,’ I say, and for once the right words come. ‘Because Will would want you to.’

He cries again then, huge sobs that wrack his chest. It’s not just Will this time, it’s everything. It’s the letter. It’s me, it’s life, Matron, the nurse, all of it. I want to put my arm around him but I don’t. He needs to get this out of his system and I can’t do that for him. Suddenly, he looks so very young.

‘They always do a last round to check we’re asleep so you’ll have to pretend to be until then. Don’t even whisper to me. After that we need to move fast and quietly. I don’t know if Matron will stay up to wait for the delivery. So wear your trainers. And something warm. Okay?’

He nods through his snot.

‘And don’t say anything to anyone. Please.’

He almost smiles. ‘Who am I going to tell?’

With that, I leave him to it. Every vein in my body thumps and pounds as I head to the dorm to get my washbag so I can brush my teeth. We’re going to do it. We’re actually going to do it.

Tom has opened a window and it’s cold but the smell still creeps into every corner of the room, and even when I press my face into my sheets it’s strong and sweet, as if something rotten has soaked into the cotton. The nurse’s face crinkles slightly when she comes around with the pills, and Ashley’s misfortune is mine and Louis’ good luck because she doesn’t really watch whether we swallow properly or not. She’s trying to decide which one of us is the source of the stink. It doesn’t take long.

No one complains when Ashley prays tonight, muttering beside his bed. I don’t believe in his God but I send silent good wishes out there for him anyway. It can’t do any harm even if it’s not going to do any good. As the lights flick off, I think of Clara in her bed, waiting just like me and Louis are. I tingle with excitement and nerves.
Please don’t let anything go wrong
, I beg, of fate or nature or simple luck.
Please let this work.

We lie there in silence as Tom and Ashley sink into sleep and squeeze our eyes shut when the nurses do their final rounds. I wait until I sense the almost imperceptible shift in the fabric of the house that signals the slump into relaxed quiet. The nurses have shuffled away to their quarters. The children are all asleep. I leave it a little longer, always so cautious. Clara is probably sitting on her bed ready to go, foot tapping impatiently on the floor.

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

I don’t know where the rhyme comes from but it’s loud in my head as I push my covers off. The mice are escaping. Or maybe we’re rats fleeing a sinking ship. Whatever. We’re getting out of here. My heart is in my throat as I tap Louis’ shoulder. He’s up in a moment and we silently pull on our clothes. He doesn’t look at me, but his face is tight and determined. I imagine mine is the same.

‘You ready?’ I whisper when he’s pulled his trainers on. He nods. I take one last glance at Tom and Ashley and then leave Dorm 4 for the last time. I feel a twinge of something sad inside, but then I turn away, letting my excitement take over. No more looking back. The future is waiting for us. My heart races, part nerves but mainly pure exhilaration.

The corridor is cool and dark but the floorboards are kind and don’t creak as we head for Clara’s dorm. The wood has been our quiet ally in the night and it’s stupid but I wish them a silent farewell. I can’t see any lights on anywhere and everything is still. Matron’s office is the only room we have to worry about. I dread walking into the kitchen and finding her there, or her office door flying open and her catching us as we pass. But those fears can wait. First we have to get Clara. She’ll make me braver. She always does.

We stay silent as we creep towards the girls’ dorm, Louis staying close to me like a small child next to a parent. I carefully open the door already grinning expectantly, eager to see her face glowing and ready to go. I’m so excited about the future that it takes me a moment to see the obvious flaw in the present moment.

Clara isn’t in the room. My grin fades, confused, into a frown. Has she gone down already? Did I mishear what she said? As I stand, fixed to the spot, Louis pushes past me to her neatly made bed.

‘Toby,’ he whispers. ‘Over here.’ He takes a folded piece of paper from the mattress and holds it up. ‘It’s got your name on it.’

I open it, and whatever I’m expecting, it’s not what I read there.

Dear Toby,

I’ve tried to think of a thousand ways to say this that are better or easier but I just keep coming up blank. I don’t even want to write it down but I have to. I can’t bring myself to say it out loud, and definitely not to you.

I can’t come with you.

I wish with all my heart that I could, but I can’t. It wouldn’t be fair, not on you, or on anyone one else out there in the big, beautiful wide world.

I’ve got sick and I can’t pretend it’s not happening any more.

I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye but that would have hurt too much. I can’t even write this without crying, so I hope you understand. There’s so many things I want to say to you but it would take me a lifetime (ha! Sometimes you have to see the funny side) to write them all down, and none of them would be good enough, so all I’ll say is this.

I love you very, very, very much with all my heart. Thank you for making me so so happy. I wouldn’t change anything.

Go and find the sunshine, Mermaid King. I’ll always be with you. I’ll be in the waves and the water and the sea breeze.

I love you.

Clara.

I stare at it for a long moment, unable to take it in. How can she not be coming? Where has she gone? I think of her strange mood of the past two days. How much she’s been sleeping. How upset she was that I hadn’t woken her on our last night. How fine she was with me asking to bring Louis. Now I know why. She knew then she wasn’t coming. She had her own secret.
I’ve got sick and I can’t pretend it’s not happening any more.
I see the words, but I still can’t take them in. It’s wrong. It has to be. I think of the bruise on her hip. The way she flinched when I touched her and didn’t want to have sex until we’d escaped. How she got dressed instead of wearing her nightshirt. The world is unsteady under my feet and my blood has run cold.

‘Is she sick?’ Louis asks. He’s licking his lips, his nervous tic.

‘No,’ I say, automatically, and crumple the paper into my pocket. A balance with the letter in my other. Yin and yang. I want to throw up.

‘Come on,’ I whisper, ‘let’s find her.’ We can’t go without her. We just can’t. This was all her idea. I don’t think about Louis’ question. Ashley’s sick, not Clara. She’s made a mistake, that’s all. We start searching the empty dorms. She’s not in any of them. She’s not in the playroom. I don’t know where she is.

Finally we creep past Matron’s room, although the thin strip of orange coming from under the door doesn’t scare me this time. I don’t care if she’s awake. None of that matters. I only care about finding Clara. She’s not in the kitchen, either. She’s gone.

I feel sick. My heart races. The boat will be coming soon and I don’t know what to do.

‘Are we going, Toby?’ Louis looks worried. I’ve built up his hopes and now I might smash them. Louis can’t go without me – he doesn’t know where the house and the jetty are. But can I really go without Clara? And without even saying goodbye? Could I take Louis off to the distant sunshine? Louis is the cleverest person I’ve ever met. If anyone can find money and get across borders, he can. Louis deserves that life. I stare at the back door in the gloom for a long moment while I weigh it all up.

‘Yes,’ I say suddenly. ‘Yes, we’re going.’ My decision made, I immediately feel better and we move fast. Within minutes we’re climbing onto the bins and over the gate. It’s dark and although the sky is clear, the moonlight only falls in pools on the road. We pause for a moment and I stare back at the house with mixed emotions. I will never see it or anyone inside it again. The windows glint dark like birds’ eyes and I’m sure the house is nodding me forward. A house is a home, and if it has a soul or atoms or whatever, then it’s built to protect. The house wants us to be free, I’m sure of it. I think of the initials carved in the tree whose branches rustle slightly in the night breeze. I hope the tree lives a long, long time.

‘Toby?’ Louis whispers.

He breaks the moment and I take his hand like I used to hold Clara’s, although this time it’s me leading, me being the confident one. Our breath is ragged by the time we round the corner and head down towards the water.

There’s a light on upstairs in the house and I signal Louis to be quiet as we creep past. There’s no sign of the boat yet, so we still have time. I’m flooded with relief. I lead him to the edge of the jetty.

‘What now, Toby?’

Louis looks like a kid beside me, his coat zipped up to his chin and his face slightly shell-shocked. He’s had a lot to take in. He’s got more to come. He’ll have to grow up fast, but he can do it. I’m sure of it. It’s time to set him free.

‘The rowing boat.’ We hunch over to stay as low as possible in case whoever lives in the house peers out and sees us as we trot halfway along the creaking wood. I peer over the side and see it rocking there, tied to the post. The sea looks cold around it. I try not to think about that. ‘Get in.’

He does as he’s told and I crouch down at the jetty’s edge and peer at him below. ‘When the boat comes, paddle around to the back of it and climb on. Hide in the lifeboat if there is one. If not, just find an out-of-the-way corner and stay there.’

‘What do you mean?’ He frowns, confused. ‘Why are you telling me what to do?’

‘For someone so clever, you can be fucking thick sometimes.’ I smile as I fumble in my pocket for the letter with our test results on it. I give it to him. ‘Do something with this. Copy it and send it to the newspapers. You’re the smartest person I’ve ever known – you’ll work something out.’

‘But you’re coming, too.’

‘No, Louis.’ I shake my head. ‘I’m not.’

‘But Toby—’ He looks like he’s going to cry and that makes my throat tighten and my nose itch, but I tough it out.

‘Don’t go home. Or even write to your family. Not at first. It won’t be safe.’

‘But—’

‘Have you got all that? Tell me you’ve got all that.’

He stares at me. ‘I’ve got it,’ he says softly.