The Dead List (23 page)

Penn obviously had issues. I accepted that part of it, and it had taken me a long time to realize that our one singular act hadn’t driven Penn to take his life, but we had been the tipping point.

“Do you still feel responsible for Penn’s death?”

The breath I exhaled was shaky as I met Dr. Oliver’s stare. Part of me wanted to lie, because I knew if I said yes, this appointment was going to continue far longer than I wanted it to. But I guess honesty time was over. “Sometimes I… I forget about it. I mean, not really completely forget, but I don’t think about it.”

“That’s normal, Ella.”

I winced. “It doesn’t seem right though.” I didn’t want to continue, but Dr. Oliver was giving me that look that said he’d sit there and stare at me until I did. “I don’t want to forget him—forget Penn. He was… he was my best friend. I grew up with him.” My voice turned hoarse. “It’s not right to just forget about him.”

“No one is saying you need to forget him, Ella, but life does go on. It always has and will. Letting that happen is no disrespect to Penn’s memory,” he said patiently and then sat back, hooking one leg over the other. “You have to learn to let this guilt go.”

Pressing my lips together, I folded my arms across my chest.

His gaze turned shrewd. “You did not kill that boy. Neither did Jensen. Choosing to go to one party over another does not make you responsible. It sucks,” he said, raising his hands to the sides before pressing them together under his chin. “It’s a series of unfortunate events, but nothing you two did equals ownership of blame.”

I wanted to believe that so much. “What about Monica? Vee?”

“What about them?”

“They picked on him relentlessly. Are they to blame?”

Dr. Oliver didn’t answer for a long moment. “When you bully someone, picking at them day after day, stripping away their self-worth and confidence, their very will to live, then you do have ownership of the blame. And what they did to him is very different than what you and Jensen did. You know that.”

I nodded.

“I’m going to be up front with you,” he said, and I schooled my expression blank. “What you’re feeling—the anxiety and fear, even the nightmares, after a violent attack is normal. You’re probably going to experience that for some time, maybe even until they apprehend the person responsible, but it’s not affecting your daily life. So that’s good. And I also think it’s great that you’re reconnecting with Jensen. In a way, getting to know him again is the right step for you to be taking.”

“It is?”

He nodded, pulling a thick pad out of his desk. “It’s all about finally letting your past go, and it’s about time that you do that.”

I hadn’t really thought of it that way.

“But I am going to write you a script for something to help you sleep.” He scribbled across the pad and then ripped the slip of paper off. “Sleep is important.”

I took the paper. “So I’m okay?”

“As okay as any of us are.” A quick smile flashed across his face.

My gaze dropped to his barely legible handwriting. “Can I ask you a question?”

He leaned back in his chair, hooking one leg over the other. “Have at it.”

“You’re a shrink, right.”

His eyebrow arched again. “On some days.”

I smiled at that. “What I mean is, you’re a head doctor and with… what has been happening around here, why…. why do you think someone is doing this?”

“Ah… well, I don’t think there’s a simple answer to that question,” he said. “There are people who kill for the thrill of it—thrill killers. There’s no rhyme or reason to why. Their victims are usually random, and they tend to move about, not staying in one city or location.”

“And you don’t think that’s the case here?”

“I don’t think there’s enough evidence to say either way, but I’d be surprised if that’s what the police have on their hands. People kill for different motives—greed, love, hate.” He paused, his gaze meeting mine. “Revenge. So on. And if the police can find a motive linking the murder to the disappearance and the attack, then they’ll find their guy.”

I turned that over in my head. “But what if there isn’t a motive?”

Dr. Oliver leaned forward, the chair creaking under the shift in his weight. “Thrill killers are rare, Ella. There’s almost always a motive. And most times it’s what’s staring us right in the face.”

A chill tiptoed down my spine.

“I want to see you in three weeks,” he said, reclining back. “Just in case you’re not okay. Now get out of my office.” He smiled. “Wife is making spaghetti for dinner. I don’t want to be late.”

I grinned at him in spite of the coldness his observation had left behind. “All right. Bye.”

Leaving the office with my brand spanking new sleeping pill script in the pocket of my jeans, I slipped out the door, closing it behind me quietly. I headed down the hall, reading over the prescription. Sleeping pills. Would I take them? As haggard as I looked, I needed to.

Last night I’d slept pretty good. Even waking up as early as I did, I’d still gotten more sleep than I had in days. But it wasn’t like Jensen could be my little bed-buddy forever.

Of course, I immediately thought of this morning, of how he felt against me, and then at lunch, when he…. Face burning, I slapped my hands over my cheeks as I turned the corner and walked right into someone.

Swallowing a shriek, I stumbled back, smacking into the wall behind me. Strong hands settled on my shoulders, steadying me.

“Whoa, are you okay?” Gavin asked.

I pressed my hands, script and all, to my chest. “Oh my God, you scared me.”

“Well, you were walking around the corner with your hands over your face. I doubt you would’ve seen anyone.” A slight smile appeared. “You sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, I just wasn’t paying attention.” Looking up, I took in the pale complexion and the deep shadows under his eyes. “Are
you
okay?”

His brows knitted together. “Of course I am.”

“You look…”

“Tired?” he supplied, and a dry laugh rattled from him. “Well, as you know, school’s been a bit of a bitch this week.”

I winced. “Sorry. I really am that you’re going through this. It’s not fair.”

“Yeah, but I think Vee got the really unfair end of the deal.”

“True.” My stomach tumbled a bit.

Gavin’s hands were still on my shoulders. “What are you doing here? Are you seeing Dr. Oliver again?”

I nodded. “Yeah, after everything Mom thought it would be a good idea.” I panted the pocket of my jeans. “I haven’t been sleeping well and I…” Then it hit me. I frowned. “What are you doing here?”

“Helping the parents. They’re cleaning offices. I’m stuck with them for the evening.” His fingers curled over my shoulders, tangling in my hair. “Actually, I’m glad I ran into you. Maybe we could grab something to eat. I’m sure my parents would understand.”

“Oh, I…”

“I really could use a friend right now.”

Heart hurting. I wrapped my arms around him, squeezing him tight as sympathy choked me. “I know, but I can’t tonight. What about tomorrow after school?”

Gavin’s arms circled me, and he dropped his chin to the top of my head. His chest rose with a deep breath. “What are you doing tonight?”

“Um, I’m going to get a smoothie with Jensen,” I said, and Gavin immediately stiffened against me. “He brought me here. He’s waiting outside.”

“He’s waiting for you,” he repeatedly slowly. He drew back, dropping his arms. “So, are you and Jensen a thing?”

“What? No.” I tucked my hair back behind my ear. That was definitely not true. We were definitely something. “That doesn’t matter, Gavin. We can do something tomorrow. Or maybe later tonight if—”

“Forget it.” Gavin wheeled around. “I’ll see you later.”

“Wait.” I pushed off the wall, following him down the silent hall. “Gavin, come on. Don’t—”

“Don’t what?” He spun on me, face mottled. “Don’t drop one for the other? Because isn’t that what you’re doing? You dropped me at the end of last year, and now you’re hooking up with Jensen?”

I gaped at him. “Wait. It’s not like that at all.”

“It isn’t? Could’ve fooled me. After all, you have a habit of doing this, right? You and Jensen both. Always moving on to something better. Isn’t that what you did to Penn? And isn’t that what Jensen did to you?”

Getting slapped in the face would’ve felt better. Tears raced up my throat as I shook my head. He looked at me a second longer and said, “You two are really perfect for one another. Have at it.”

Later that night, after sharing a cup of warm tea and telling her about my appointment with Dr. Oliver, I tugged the blankets back from my bed. A slight citrusy scent clung to the sheets.

As gross as it sounded, I’d have a hard time changing my sheets after this.

The script Dr. Oliver had written me sat on my desk, and I wasn’t sure yet if I’d get it filled. Yes, I wanted to sleep the entire night, but those things knocked me the hell out and waking up from them always took an ungodly amount of time.

After changing into my pajamas, I went into the bathroom, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and did my nightly routine. I stepped back into my bedroom and stared at the bed. I took a deep breath and—

A soft knock on my bedroom window caused me to jump at least a foot into the air. I smacked my hand over my mouth. What in the hell? Rooted to where I stood, I wondered if I was hearing things.

The quiet tapping came again.

Okay. The likelihood of a killer tapping on my window to come in had to be rare. That’s what I told myself as I crept over to my window. Slowly, I pulled the curtains back.

My heart leapt in my chest.

On the other side of my window, Jensen was perched on my roof. Grinning as if this wasn’t abnormal or anything, he pointed at the windowsill.

For a moment, all I could do was stare at him and then I glanced over my shoulder. My bedroom door was shut, but if Mom came in here….

It would not be pretty.

But I couldn’t leave Jensen out on my roof. That would be… um, wrong. Shaking my head, I slowly eased open the window. “What are you doing?” I whispered.

“Watching the stars,” he whispered back, eyes glittering in the darkness.

I narrowed my eyes. “On my roof?”

“Why not?”

All I could do was stare at him.

“What?” His grin turned mischievous as he gripped the edges of the window. “Your roof is better than mine. And you know what else is?”

“What?”

“Your mother’s hearing is better than mine. So you should let me in before she catches me on her roof.”

I had no idea how him being inside my room would mean that my mom wouldn’t hear him, but I found myself stepping aside. Within the span of five seconds, he was inside my room, standing up fluidly and coming to his full height.

The first thing that I noticed now that he was inside my room, in the light, was that he was dressed for bed. “What are you doing here?” I asked.

Reaching around me, he grabbed the remote and turned on my TV. The volume muted our conversation. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“That’s why God made cellphones, Jensen.”

His chin dipped as he stared up at me through thick lashes. “Silly Ella, God didn’t make cellphones. Some extremely brilliant nerd probably did.”

Rolling my eyes, I slapped his arm. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“Where should I be?” He took a step toward me.

I took a step back. “Not in my bedroom this late.”

“Hmm…” He advanced on me, backing me up until I was pressed against the door. “But guess what else is better than mine?”

My heart pounded in my chest as he placed one hand beside my head. I stared at his arm, taking in the ropey muscle that disappeared under the sleeve of his shirt. “What?”

His head dropped low, his voice a shiver against my ear. “Your bed is so much better than mine.”

I bit down on my lip as his mouth brushed my earlobe. “I’m sure that’s not the case.”

“It is.” He reached around me again. A second later I heard the door lock, and blood thundered through my veins. “Did Gavin come over?”

I’d told him about running into Gavin when I was leaving Dr. Oliver’s office. “No. I tried calling him, but he didn’t answer.”

“I’m not surprised.” His hand settled on the curve of my hip.

“You’re not?” The material of my sleep shorts was thin, and the heat of his touch was like a brand on my skin.

“Nope.” His lips now brushed the sensitive spot below my ear, and I swore my knees went weak. “He doesn’t like that you and I are together.”

There was a hummingbird in my chest. The fluttering returned with a vengeance. “We are not together.”

“Aren’t we?”

My breath caught as his hand slid up, leaving a trail of fire in its wake. His hand skated over my ribs.

Jensen’s deep, low chuckle traveled across my throat. “We are most definitely together. We just haven’t worked out the specifics of our together-ness.”

“Together-ness is not a word.”

“Now it is.” His hand slipped over the door and cradled my cheek. He tipped my head back, and I thought my heart would burst from my chest. “So let’s talk about the specifics.”

My eyes locked onto his, and I couldn’t look away. “Couldn’t this conversation wait?”

“Nope.”

“You’re going to get us in so much trouble.”

“Where’s the fun in anything if there’s no risk?” His head dipped once more, and he placed a quick kiss against my wildly beating pulse. “And don’t try to distract me. I’m on a mission. I want you.”

My stomach did a backflip.

His eyes met mine once more as his hand dropped from my cheek to the other side of my ribs. He lifted me up as he pressed in, sliding one leg between mine. My hands clamped down on his shoulders at the shock of him.

“And you want me,” he murmured.

My fingers curled into his shirt. There was no denying that. Very few people in the universe would deny that. “I’m not into being friends with benefits,” I whispered.

“Good. Because neither am I. Not with you,” he added, his thumbs moving in slow circles. “Here’s another specific. I don’t share. It’s just me. You.”

“Do you think I normally date more than one person at a time?”