The Darwin Awards 4: Intelligent Design (15 page)

An unidentified fifty-year-old entered the accident and emergency department of a local hospital complaining of abdominal pain. The doctor’s examination revealed peritonitis, an inflammation of the abdomen. Wondering what had caused this problem, doctors ordered an X-ray and spotted what appeared to be an eel inside his colon! Could an eel be the source of his pain?

Yes, the man admitted, there was an eel inside him. He had been suffering from constipation, he told the dubious medical staff, and thought that inserting an eel into his rectum would relieve it.

The man was rushed to the operating room, where an emergency laparoscopy disclosed that a nineteen-inch eel was biting the side of his colon. The eel also had also taken a bite out of his rectum wall in transit, so to speak. After surgeons removed the animal and reconstructed the rectum, the man’s pain and constipation were both cured. He was discharged from the hospital a week later.

Reference:
Surgery,
January 2004, v. 135, p. 110

Gaboon vipers are large, aggressive, ill-tempered, and among the most venomous snakes in the world. Despite these characteristics, they are normally sedentary. So it was not difficult for Lazarus, who had a penchant for snakes, to purloin two from the National Zoo. He shoved them into a plastic garbage bag, where they remained, quite docile, until Lazarus boarded a warm city bus. When the snakes warmed up, they awakened from their lethargy and realized how undesirable their new accommodations were. Naturally, they decided to move. Our sixteen-year-old herpetologist was bitten when one of the vipers ripped its fangs through the plastic bag.

 

Viper venoms are
hemotoxic
(act on the blood) as compared to the neurotoxic venoms of elapids (cobras and adders). The viper family has three subfamilies: the mountain viper
Azemiopinae
, the true viper
Viperinae
, and the pit viper
Crotalinae
. They are found worldwide.

 

 

Introduction to Herpetology
, 3rd ed.,
Goin, Goin, and Zug, pp. 333–36.

 

He landed in the hospital, where antivenin serum was administered until he regained his senses. The purloined vipers were taken to the basement of the zoo’s reptile house, where they were treated to a week of stress-free observation.

Reference:
Washington Post

“Anatomy of a Shark Bite”

It might sound dumb to throw bloody chum into the waters of Walker’s Cay, where dangerous bull sharks congregate, and then wade among the sharks in a Speedo while they’re in the midst of a feeding frenzy. But not to “Unbiteable Erich” of Switzerland, a reputed expert in the body language of sharks.

The scientist believed that sharks can sense fear, and that his mastery of his heartbeat through yoga techniques made sharks regard him as a fellow predator, not fearful prey. Other shark experts advocate dressing in a black wetsuit, hood, and gloves to cover skin that resembles pale-colored prey in murky waters, but not Erich. He had “waded with sharks” for years. And this Wednesday, a video crew was prepared to tape him throwing fish into the water to attract bull sharks, then wading into the sea with bare legs to observe their body language.

The sharks are often accompanied by remora, quasi-parasite fish that clean the sharks and sometimes attach to them with a suction cup for long rides. Just after one remora swam between Erich’s legs a shark followed, and—unaware that Erich’s yoga techniques had turned him into a fellow predator—snapped off a huge chunk of his left calf. He was pulled from the water in shock and flown by air ambulance to West Palm Beach, Florida, where doctors tried to save the remains of his leg and his life.

He spent six weeks in the hospital trying to figure out what went wrong. He concluded that nothing went wrong;
the shark simply mistook his leg for the remora in the murky water.

The documentary, originally intended to prove Erich’s theory that bull sharks will not attack unless provoked, was retitled
Anatomy of a Shark Bite
. A former colleague told a diving magazine: “It was an accident waiting to happen. He’s more like a philosopher than a scientist. There’s no evidence to support his theories.”

Erich is no longer called “Unbiteable.”

Reference:
Western Daily Press, The Telegraph,
Cyber Divers Network News

 

Hundreds of shark species have been identified, but just three species are responsible for most attacks on humans: the great white (
Carcharodon carcharias
), tiger (
Galeocerdo cuvier
), and bull shark (
Carcharhinus leucas
). Divers often encounter bull sharks. Their preference for shallow coastal waters makes them potentially the most dangerous sharks of all.

 

 

 

More information:

 

www.DarwinAwards.com/book/shark.html

 

 

During my undergraduate years at James Cook University, I read a short article in the local newspaper regarding the peculiar antics of a pair of biology students required to dissect a cane toad.

The South American cane toad,
Bufo marinus,
was introduced to Australia as a biological control for the cane beetle, which destroys millions of dollars of sugar cane each year. This was an environmental disaster! First, the toad never developed a taste for cane beetles, but instead slaked its prodigious appetite with all manner of endemic fauna. Second, its toxins are not restricted solely to the two poison sacs behind its head, making it poisonous fare for Australian wildlife during every stage of its lifecycle.

In short, this toad eats anything smaller than it is, and poisons anything bigger.

Back in the laboratory, one student confidently bet his lab partner $20 that he would not swallow the ovaries of the cane toad they were dissecting. In need of money, and impressed with the magnanimous offer, the lab partner ate the organs. He suffered FOUR cardiac arrests while in transit to the hospital.

He is not eligible for a Darwin Award, since he did not die, but I suggest that he deserves an Honorable Mention.

The final sentence in the article suggested that we still do not know enough about the cocktail of toxins possessed by the cane toad.

Reference:
Townsville Bulletin

 

Toads of the genus
Bufo
secrete a poisonous, mildly hallucinogenic alkaloid called bufotenin, C
₁₂
H
₁₆
N
₂
O. For pictures of cane toads, visit:

 

 

www.DarwinAwards.com/book/bufo.html

 

 

I want to hear from a reader from Townsville who can wade through the back issues and check the details.

 

 

My late great-grandfather told me this story, and my great-uncle swears it really happened. During World War II, Larry Shaw, a nineteen-year-old college dropout, received notice he was to be drafted. He was given orders to report to an army recruiting post. Already having lost an uncle and a cousin to the Japanese, Larry was afraid to go. He was aware that if he wasn’t in perfect health, the army would reject him. But if he hurt himself on purpose, he would go to jail!

Larry, who worked at a farm with my great-grandfather, came up with a plan to “accidentally” hurt himself just enough to avoid the war, in a manner believable enough to pass as an accident.

While he and his coworkers were in the field, and without alerting any of them to his intentions, Larry walked up to a horse and tried to get it to step on his foot and break his toes. The horse, however, refused to move. No matter how much Larry pushed and shoved the horse, he couldn’t get it to step on him. After trying for a long time, the frustrated Darwin hopeful got mad and kicked the horse in the tail. The startled horse responded by kicking back.

Larry was struck in the throat and died a few hours later, successfully dodging the draft, if not the kick.

Reference: Personal Account

I hired several laborers to prepare two garden areas for me. They needed some supplies, so I showed them the location of ice water and the bathroom, and left to obtain the supplies. Upon my return, I found an ambulance in front of my home, along with two police cars.

The police informed me that the neighbor had called 911 to report a naked man screaming and running around my yard.

As it turned out, one of the laborers had needed to answer the call of nature. Rather than use the bathroom, he went into the woods behind our house, dropped his trousers, and squatted down—right on top of a huge nest of hornets.

He was released from the hospital after a week, having learned a very painful and nearly fatal lesson:
Always watch where you’re going.

Reference: Cy Stapleton, Personal Account

Although this story does not qualify for a Darwin, I’d like to share the most spectacular case of extreme stupidity I’ve ever seen. I was a soldier of the Lord Strathcona’s Horse, an armored regiment stationed in Calgary. We were hosting elements of the British Army at Canada’s main training center in Wainwright, Alberta. I think they were the 17th/21st Lancers.

We took some of our new British friends to town, to party at the Wainwright Hotel bar. Around one
A.M
., we decided to save cab money and walk back to the base. This was a trek of about three miles, because one must detour around a large, fenced pasture to reach the front gate.

That pasture holds some of the last Plains bison in Canada, a herd of about forty animals. Bison are not the friendliest ruminants on the planet. Safety signs are posted every ten feet along the fence, and warnings read, “Unless you can cross this pasture in nine seconds, do not attempt it. The bison can do it in ten.”

We reached the pasture and started to walk around it, but one of our drunken Brit companions decided that the warnings were fake. “Real, live buffalo don’t exist!” Despite our protests, he opted for a shortcut. He hopped over the five-foot fence and disappeared into the dark field.

We watched and waited.

Seconds later, a high-pitched and very un-British profanity was heard from the pasture, and our friend came tearing back toward the fence at a speed that would have done credit to Donovan Bailey, the fastest man in the world. A fully mature and quite unhappy Plains bison thundered behind him.

The only reason the young gunner survived was sheer, fear-induced acceleration. He vaulted the five-foot fence without breaking stride. His rear foot caught on the top rail, sending him spinning into the grass on the safe side, half a second before two thousand pounds of extremely unfriendly hamburger smashed into the fence at full steam.

The fence is constructed of extremely solid steel pipes, yet the two-foot dent made by the bison remains to this day. The animal staggered, snorted, shook his head, and rumbled off with a splitting headache. Our friend escaped with a broken ankle, moderate concussion, dislocated shoulder, and a great deal of bleeding from his uncontrolled landing.

Had he not cleared the fence, he would have been pile-driven to smithereens by the huge bull. Fear had drained the alcohol from our systems, but we were still laughing too hard to be sympathetic as we gave him first aid and summoned help.

If you’re looking for the dent, it’s on the “town” side of the paddock, about halfway up. Last I heard, it was still there.

Reference: David R. Organ, Personal Account;
Edmonton Journal

 

Readers say bison aren’t just strong, they’re also quick. They have seen a buffalo cow toss a pesky calf twenty feet off to the side with perfect grace and absolutely no strain. In Yellowstone Park, they report many instances of bison overturning cars, trucks, and snowmobiles with men, women, and children on board. Bison are noted for their ability to stand off a full-grown grizzly bear.

 

 

 

R
EADER
C
OMMENT
:

 

“I am wondering if rear feet only occur in Britain.”