The Darker Side of Mummy Misfit #2 (32 page)

“No, Sweedie. I have no qualms about using my assets to get what I want.  You should try it some time.”

Didn’t think Ned would appreciate me acting like a wanton woman to get favours from Dads after my recent behaviour so decided not to give it a go.

Thursday 28
^th
May

Just got back to the car after nipping into town for a new (secondhand) outfit, when I caught a bloody traffic warden giving me a ticket.

Decided it was harmless enough to use the ‘Fenella tactics’ on a middle-aged and balding warden, so attempted to go into full-on flirt mode.

Gave me the ticket anyway, had a quick look at my tits and then asked me if I’d just been to the dentist.

Cheeky sod!  I’d been trying to do the ‘sultry-pouty-lip’ look!  Last attempt at flirting for me - I’ll leave it to the expert.

Friday 29
^th
May

Manor House Has Got Talent - we hope

Break-up for Half term

Great excitement at the gates this morning.  All the kids think it’s fantastic to be coming to school tonight for their own X Factor.  I’m glad Max didn’t want to take part and just wanted to watch - couldn’t deal with the disappointment if he didn’t win.  I realise that’s being over-protective but I
know
how talented some of the kids at the school are - some of them sound like they entered the world playing Suzuki violin.   And with all the pushy mothers demanding three hours practice a day, they’re practically pros by the age of six.

Think the kids’ and teachers’ categories will be great fun.  Have my reservations about the parents’ section but am certain it will be entertaining to say the least.

Saturday 30
^th
May

As Mrs S so delightfully put it, “It is just as well I am in the good company of a Tena lady pad tonight!”

Our evening was eye-wateringly hilarious from start to finish.  Obviously it was a little more than Mrs S’s
eyes
that were watering!  At one point I thought old Harry was about to have a coronary as he was laughing so hard - and every time
he
stopped,
Mrs S
would start again.

The kids’ category delivered exactly as I thought it would - lots of musical talent and also a very funny little stand up comedian.

The staff threw themselves fully into the proceedings without taking themselves too seriously.  H&B stole the show with their ‘Two little Maids’ adaptation, sporting kimonos and odd geisha style make-up and hair.  It was clear to all that they’d be the winners of their group.

But the parents’ round just kept on delivering.  Barbie and Shergar made complete twats of themselves with their rendition of Lady Gaga’s ‘Poker Face’.  Think the audience spent most of the act in shock and, once
that
wore off, the giggles set in.  It was just so ridiculous to see two grown women taking themselves so seriously.  Had it been done tongue-in-cheek, they might have got away with it but they thought they were
hot!

Then Gestapo treated us to an operatic aria which left us with painfully ringing ears and amazed that any glasses had survived the onslaught.  Fenella leant over to me at one point and stage-whispered, “Who stuck the feather up her arse?”  Unfortunately, she said it just as the piece hit a quiet moment and half the audience burst out laughing.

Dress-up Mummy and Daddy did a Bob Dylan medley although I somehow doubt she remembered it in the morning as she appeared to be so doped up!  Quite fitting, I guess.

The best in the parent round turned out to be (and it pains me to write this) Rudeman.  Obviously his stint at Her Majesty’s Pleasure had given him enough time to practice a new skill - slight of hand.  His magic tricks were astonishing and it was clear to see that he’d have had no problem magicking away three and half mill of stocks and shares.  Innocent?  My arse!

Fenella and I managed to take over two grand on the raffle - she’s
so
persuasive and of course all the dads wanted the chance to ogle her ample décolletage.  She made the most of it and had them parting with every penny they had.

Mrs S won a weekend break for two in Bath which she was thrilled to bits with.  Harry looked pretty chuffed when she invited him to join her - ah, geriatric love!

Shergar made a great show of poo-pooing the cosmetic surgery voucher that she won.  
Who needs enhancements with a body like this?
seemed to be implied.
 
 But I can guarantee
something
will have work done on it in the summer break and she won’t admit to it.

As the evening drew to a close I counted up the remainder of the raffle takings and took it to Shergar to add to her accounts.

“Oh, Libby, be a darling and put it in the office for me, will you?” she said, “I need to get out of this wretched costume.  You know the code to the safe, don’t you?”

Felt a bit miffed that I had to trudge all the way upstairs on a job that really shouldn’t fall to me but got on and did it anyway.

Once I arrived, I noticed that the lights were on in the office already and I was surprised to see Dan there.  He turned and smiled.  “That bloody awful woman asked me to put the takings from the bar and tickets in the safe.  Why she couldn’t do it herself, I don’t know.”

Told him the ‘bloody awful woman’ had me doing her grafting too and handed him my envelope.

The money locked up, Dan turned to me.  “I really
am
sorry you know, Lib.  Sorry it all turned out the way it did.  I hope you’re happier now, I honestly do, and the sooner this bloody texter stops their nonsense the better.”

Told him I
was
very happy, aside from the texts, and apologised for messing him about - it was the least he deserved.

I turned and left him standing in the office.  I can’t deny to myself that he’s still incredibly sexy and, another time, another place - who knows?  But he ain’t my Neddy and I’m not a mad or grieving woman any more.

Sunday 31
^st
May

A quiet weekend really.  Lunch in a restaurant (which we couldn’t have considered a year ago), as neither of us could be bothered to cook, and then some sporadic attempts at packing.

How three of us can have accumulated so much junk, I’ll never know.  The temptation to pay packers is beginning to look more appealing but I won’t give in!  My knicker drawer will remain sacred if it kills me.

Max has sorted all his toys and books already and is far more organised than Ned and me put together.  He can’t wait for the move and is already planning the colour scheme for his new bedroom - orange walls, green carpet and a purple ceiling.  Nice!  Hopefully we can talk him round or at least do away with the ceiling idea.

Monday 1
^st
June

Great to be on half term and enjoying a relaxing time at home.

The only downside is the way I freeze every time I receive a text.  I just dread looking at the screen and seeing ‘Unknown’.  Things have been quiet since the last one I received at the christenings but I’m still on my guard.

We’ve booked our flights to Tuscany for the middle of August and if the blasted texts haven’t stopped by then, I’m taking a new temporary mobile and only giving the number to a select few.

So
select, I might not even give it to Mum!

PM

Ned’s been given a pay rise!  And really quite a substantial one too.

He was so chuffed when he came home he suggested we get F&J round for a half-term celebration.

At least financially we can seem to do no wrong at the moment.

Tuesday 2
^nd
June

Quite tired after last night turned into a marathon - can’t seem to hack late ones during the week any more.

F&J arrived with bubbly and wine and, much to Max’s delight, they brought Todd too.

“Left the other two with the sitter, Sweedie, but Toddie was desperate to come.  That won’t be any trouble, will it?”

Told her it was great that Max had company and if Todd happened to nod off we’d just turn it into a sleepover.

For the first time ever, we ordered the most expensive take-away we could find - totally decadent but, if you can’t do it when you get a pay-rise, when can you?

We toasted Ned’s success and our house move and also the fact that we couldn’t believe we’d been friends for such a short time - it feels like we’ve known one another forever.

“And a toast to the only woman who has ever seen my frou-frou,” Fenella slurred.  “Well apart from my waxer and a couple of midwives, that is.  I can’t believe you delivered Darcy all by yourself, Lib - and you were so cool and calm.  I was a complete bitch, I always
am
in labour.”

Josh and I clinked our glasses and said, “We’ll drink to that!”

Wednesday 3
^rd
June

Todd’s impromptu sleep-over turned into a double whammy and he ended up staying last night as well, so this morning I woke up to two tired but excited boys.  Todd said he wished he lived with us!  “Your house is so nice and quiet.  Charlotte and Darcy just make noise and I hate being the only boy - ‘snot fair!”

Told him he was very lucky to have two lovely sisters but I don’t think he was convinced.

Max didn’t help by adding, “I love not having brothers and sisters.  I get my mummy and my daddy all to myself.”

So happy that he feels that way, but not sure it appeased Todd.

In fact it couldn’t have because, when Fenella came to collect him, he refused to go home.

We promised another sleepover soon and he seemed to be happy with that.  Although he did say, “Back to the house of
girls
” as he kicked stones on his way down the garden path.

At least I’m now reassured that Max doesn’t feel like he’s missing out on siblings - that’s a huge comfort because Ned got his appointment for the ‘snip’ through today for September 2
^nd
.  Josh is being done the week before so I’m guessing Fenella will be organising some kind of macabre celebration.

Didn’t feel one inch of regret when I opened the letter - my baby days are truly behind me.  It sounds a dreadful thing to say but I think the deal was kind of sealed when I realised what a difficult life Nic and Rick are going to have with Mikhail.  I have a healthy child and a great life and, at my ripe old age, I don’t want to tempt fate.

Thursday 4
^th
June

Took Max to visit Mrs S today.  Most of her mobility seems to have come back and, although she could probably be living independently again now, she says she’s happy where she is.

She’s off for her weekend to Bath with Harry tomorrow and her new friendship has put a very definite twinkle in her eye.

“Libbybeta, it is so lovely to be having a gentleman friend.  It is making me feel like a young lady again and he does make me laugh so!”  Then she whispered, out of Max’s earshot, “We are having separate rooms at the hotel, you know.  Do not think I am a fallen woman.”

Told her I thought it was great that she had a new friend and I would never think badly of her.  “Good for you, Mrs S.  I’m just so pleased that you like it in here and Harry is just the icing on the cake.”

Mrs S giggled coquettishly and dabbed at her eyes with her hanky.  “Oh yes, Libbybeta, he’s put the chilli back in my chutney, that’s for sure!”

Who’d have thought it?

Friday 5
^th
June

Summer huh?

Braved a trip to the park in the drizzly London rain.

Max and I were having a great run-around with the dogs and a ball when we bumped into Gestapo.

Why she bothers to take the ‘rat in the bag’ with her, I don’t know.  She never lets it exercise for fear of dirtying its precious coat and it just sits in there cowering pathetically in its designer garb of fake diamonds and fur.

Max went up and had a closer look and then looked up at Gestapo.

“What’s your ra... dog called?”

Gestapo looked down her nose at him and answered haughtily, “Princess Nana La Piaf.”

Max looked wide eyed at her and then, as he skipped away shouted over his shoulder, “Phew, no wonder you never let her out of the bag!  It’s a long name to call if you lose her!”

Don’t know if he gets his acerbic wit from his parents or his education but I think it’s fantastic.

Gestapo clearly didn’t and tottered off in ridiculous zebra striped heels while I skipped after my boy in my polka dot wellies.

PM