The Dance (65 page)

I went into my closet and rummaged through the box in the very back against the wall. I found Will’s high school football jersey. Dropping the towel, I pulled the jersey over my head and down my body. I hadn’t thought of the jersey in years and had forgotten it was still here until tonight. I walked back into the bedroom, pulled back the comforter, and crawled into bed. As I was plugging in my phone, I glanced down. There were missed texts from Hart, Sophie, and my mom.

Hart:
Bryson, I haven’t heard from you today. Is everything okay? I love you.

Mom:
Bryson, sweetheart, I haven’t seen or heard from you for several days. Is everything okay? I love you.

Sophie:
Bryson, I’ll be back in town this weekend. We’re doing a girls spa day. Don’t fight me on it. I’m worried about you. I love you.

Bryson! Bryson! Bryson!

Ignoring all of them, I set the phone on the nightstand, grabbed the edge of the comforter, and pulled it over my head. I just wanted to disappear for a while and go back to a time when the biggest problem in my life was which pair of jeans I was going to wear to the football game.

Worry and guilt had me tossing and turning all night. I worried that Will would pass away before I got to his side. I felt guilty that I didn’t return any of the texts or calls from yesterday, especially Hart’s. By morning my brain was exhausted and needed a rest, some type of distraction for a little while. I pulled on a pair of black leggings along with socks and my black Nikes. The sun was just coming up as I headed downstairs to the kitchen in hopes of finding a moment of peace.

After flipping on the Keurig, I lined up all the ingredients for a frittata and got to work. I was just about to slice into my first pepper when the doorbell rang. Glancing at the clock on the stove, I couldn’t imagine who’d be coming by this early in the morning. I washed my hands and headed toward the door. Not thinking to look who it was first, I opened the door, surprised to find Hart. My mouth watered at how handsome and powerful he looked in his black suit, dark gray shirt with matching tie, and shiny black dress shoes. He must have a meeting with corporate later.

As I stared into his beautiful eyes, I wondered how he managed to get up the steps. Then I glanced toward the driveway and saw Colin sitting in the passenger’s side of Hart’s car.

“Hey.” Shock evident in my voice.

“We need to talk.”

Stepping aside to let him in, I said, “Does Colin want to come in? It’s cold out there. You want some coffee? I just made some.”

I closed the door as Hart rolled farther into the entryway.

He faced me. “I can’t stay long. I came over to find out if you were okay since I didn’t hear back from you yesterday.” His words were teetering between relief, concern, and annoyance.

“I’m sorry. I should have called you but . . . Will’s in the hospital. I found him yesterday unconscious in the bathroom.”

Hart’s expression softened as he moved closer to me. “I’m sorry.”

“Dr. Rudolph feels Will needs to be under hospice care.”

“What can I do?”

“Nothing. There’s nothing anyone can do.”

Just then I noticed Hart’s gaze zeroed in on my chest. I still had on Will’s jersey.

Shit.

“What’s going on, Bryson?”

Unable to look at Hart, my gaze darted all around. “I-I-I don’t know. I’ve been so tired and stressed. Nancy let me go yesterday because I fucked up two important events. Then I found Will. I’ve been neglecting you. When we’re together I feel guilty because I think I should be with Will. But when I’m with Will I feel guilty because I should be with you. I don’t know why I slept in his old jersey.”

I was rambling uncontrollably and couldn’t stop. My nerves were completely shot.

“Look at me.” Hart commanded.

I was so ashamed at how I was acting I didn’t listen to him. “Just give me a minute and I’ll go change. I don’t even know why I still have this stupid shirt on.”

I went to pass Hart when he reached out and grabbed my arm.

“God dammit, Bryson, I said look at me.” His tone was strong and assertive.

I looked into steely blue-gray eyes.

“Stop dumping all this guilt on yourself. Let me help you.”

I shook my head. “He wants me by his side when he passes.”

Hart blew out a sharp breath. “Go deal with what you need to deal with.”

My heart sank as tears pooled in my eyes. Even the best man in the world has a limit.

“I don’t blame you for pushing me away.” I choked back a sob.

“Bryson, I’m not pushing you away. I’m letting you go.”

I didn’t know if I collapsed or Hart tugged me into his lap.

Cupping my face, Hart brought his lips to mine. He softly kissed each corner of my mouth before placing a firmer kiss in the center of my lips. My arms immediately slid behind his neck and held on tight as my body convulsed in sobs. Hart’s strong arms pulled me flush against his chest. I never wanted to let go.

After several minutes, Hart peeled my hands away from his body.

Looking deep into my soul, he said, “I know what it feels like to watch someone you care about die. It’s the most frustrating and helpless feeling in the world. It’s going to happen. You can’t stop it. All you can do is make sure that person knows they mattered. And give them the peace of mind that they won’t be looking at strangers when they take their last breath. They’ll be looking at someone who loved them.”

My heart ached for him, realizing he was referring to his mother.

“I’m not in love with him, Hart. Please don’t think it’s anything like that. I’m in love with you.” I couldn’t get the words out fast enough.

“I know you are. And god help me, I love you so much, Bryson. But you can’t help that you care for Will. Your heart and kind spirit are what makes you, you.”

“I didn’t realize it would be this difficult. I can’t lose you, Hart.”

“There are two things in life that I’m absolutely, without a doubt, positive about. One is that I’m mind, body, and soul in love with you. And the other is you’re never going to lose me.” Swiping his thumbs over my cheeks, he wiped away my tears. “Whenever you need a breath, I’m here. You need to focus on one thing. Will needs you right now. Then you and I will continue our forever.”

Even though I understood why Hart was, in a sense, putting us on pause, it didn’t make the pain any less as I watched him and Colin pull out of my driveway.

Hart knew exactly how the remainder of Will’s days would play out and what an emotional toll it would take on me. Hart had already lived through the experience with his mother.

“You didn’t fit into my life back then, Bryson.”

Hart Mitchell was the very essence of what a real man should be. He was intelligent, strong, confident, caring, generous, kind, and all mine.

I navigated the car down a winding road lined with large bare Bradford pear trees. Even though the bright green leaves and white blossoms were still months away from appearing on the branches, the entrance was still pretty and impressive. Driving farther onto the property we discovered a large pond to the left surrounded by weeping willow trees and carved wooden benches. The entire grounds had been designed to allow the natural peacefulness to shine. The building had just come into view when Will reached over and touched my elbow.

“Could you pull over for a second?” His voice was gravelly, each word ending in a breathless whisper.

There wasn’t much room on the side of the long winding driveway but I managed to pull far enough over not to block another vehicle from passing. I killed the engine. We sat for several minutes in silence. There was no need for me to ask Will why he wanted to pull over. I knew why. Will had accepted his fate but that didn’t mean he had to like it or be in any rush to meet it.

On discharge from the hospital Dr. Rudolph made arrangements for Will to be transported via ambulance to the hospice house. Will refused, insisting he wanted me to drive him here today. He was holding on to as much normal life as possible while he was still able to grip.

“I guess this is it,” he said, staring straight ahead, his body tense.

I didn’t know how to respond. I wasn’t even going to try to imagine what was going through his mind at this moment. A few more minutes of silence passed as we stared at the pale yellow building where he’d be spending his final days.

“I could turn this baby around and get the hell out of here.” I cringed at my poor attempt at lightening the mood until I heard a chuckle next to me.

“God, if only doing that would change everything.” More silence. I wasn’t budging until Will gave me the signal. “Have I thanked you today, Bryson?”

Over the last week Will’s memory had taken a hit. Once his sedation was tapered way back he was alert but then I noticed him asking the same questions or making the same comments. As the week went on his brain had more periods of fuzziness. I asked Dr. Rudolph about it. He looked at me with warm eyes and said, “It’s just part of the process.”

It was very important to Will that I knew how appreciative he was of me. He was either thanking me for everything or asking me if he had thanked me.

“Yeah, back at the hospital you thanked me.”

“Good. I don’t ever want to forget to do that.”

“Don’t worry. You don’t.”

A few more minutes passed. I was beginning to think I actually did need to turn the car around and head back to the hospital or our house. Medically Will might be ready for this but it was obvious mentally he wasn’t quite there yet.

“I realize we need to move this along,” he said.

“No hurry. I’ll do whatever you want, when you want.”

“I’m not fooling myself. I know I’m not going to get better. It’s just once I go through those doors, that’s it.”

There wasn’t one word I could think of that would give him lasting comfort and I wasn’t going to insult him by spouting platitudes. Unless you have walked the same mile, you have no right telling another how to feel, especially at a time like this.

“Do you remember Herbert Young?” I said.

“Vaguely.”

“He was an old man that went to Saint Mary’s. I remember going to midnight mass with Mom, Dad, and Ryan. I think we were juniors at Garrison. Anyway, it was the first time Father Batron asked for everyone to please pray for Herbert Young who was in hospice care. Every Sunday after that, Father would say the same thing, please pray for Herbert Young who was in hospice care. For two years everyone prayed for Herbert Young who was in hospice care.”

Out the corner of my eye I saw Will’s shoulders shake with a chuckle. Taking in a deep breath his lungs crackled, straining to suck in the air. As his chest deflated a loose cough burst out of him, followed by another. And another. And another. And another . . .

Once recovered, he said, “Okay. Let’s do this.”

Reaching over, I placed my hand on top of his and gave it a slight squeeze before starting the car.

I pulled the car into the empty parking space that was closest to the entrance. Will and I exchanged brief looks before I got out of the car and pulled his wheelchair from the trunk. Even though it was only a few steps to the entrance, Will’s body wasn’t cooperating much these days. With my assistance, he was able to transfer in and out of the chair but that was about all he could handle before getting worn out.

Pushing through the main entrance door felt as if we’d just entered a luxury hotel where we were spending the weekend. Other than the sign out front that read Hospice House, you’d never know this was a place where people came to spend their final days. The color scheme was a mix of neutral earth tones—greens, creams, and browns with pops of vibrant bright reds and oranges. A cozy seating area made up of two cream-colored leather sofas and two red high-back chairs sat in front of a wall of floor-to-ceiling windows. A large multicolored floral arrangement sat in the middle of the coffee table.

The lady at the desk introduced herself as Grace. As she guided Will through the admissions process I could tell why she was the first point of contact here. Just her presence made you feel relaxed. A picture of Hart holding my hand, calming my nerves, flashed across my mind.

Grace treated Will with dignity and respect. Never speaking to him with a conceding tone or offering a disingenuous smile. After a few forms were signed, Grace escorted Will and I to his room.