The Culture Code (6 page)

The Italians believe that life is a comedy rather than a tragedy and that one should laugh whenever possible. They expect love to contain strong dimensions of pleasure, beauty, and, above all, fun. If love becomes too dramatic or too hard, it is unsatisfying. The Italian culture centers very strongly on family, and Italians put their mothers up on pedestals. To them, true love is maternal love. Therefore, their expectations for romantic love are lower. Men romance women, but seek true love from their mothers. Women believe that the best way to express and experience love is by becoming mothers. A man is Mr. Right as long as he provides a child.

The Japanese offer perhaps the best illustration of the differences in attitudes toward love between an adolescent culture and an older culture. Japanese men and women often ask me to describe how Westerners marry. I tell them that a young man meets a young woman (often one younger than he) and they begin the process of getting to know each other. If he happens to fall deeply in love, the man will ask the woman to marry him, and if she loves him as well, she will say yes. (Obviously, it’s more complicated that this in practice, but I get the main points across this way.)

Stunned expressions always meet this description. “The man is young?” the Japanese questioner will say. “If he is young, how can he possibly have enough experience to make a decision of this type? Only his parents can know what kind of marriage is appropriate for him and will allow him to raise the best family. And you say the woman is younger. That means she is even less experienced than he is!”

They save their greatest contempt, though, for the notion that Westerners marry for love. “Love is a
temporary disease,
” they tell me. “It is foolish to base something as important as the creation of a family on something so temporary.” This is still the prevalent sensibility in Japan today, even though the “content” of Japanese culture has changed. While Japanese teens might date more often than their parents did, and might spend more time meeting up at clubs, most marriages are still arranged and few have anything to do with romance. This all might sound terribly harsh to American ears, but there is at least some logic in it: while nearly half of all American marriages end in divorce, the Japanese divorce rate is less than 2 percent.

This is not to suggest that older cultures necessarily have a clearer vision of the world. In fact, as you will see over the course of this book, there are many instances where the “adolescent” approach is the more effective one. When it comes to love, however, it is obvious that the American culture is currently in an uneasy place. A woman searches for Mr. Right because she believes the stories she reads in books or watches at the movies; she finds someone she believes she can “change” into her ideal man, and she disappointedly sees her efforts fail. A man searches for Ms. Perfect for many of the same reasons; he finds a woman who excites him, he believes it will stay this way forever, and he is disappointed when motherhood takes her interests elsewhere.

This quest for perfection is, of course, on Code: our cultural unconscious compels us to have unrealistically high standards for love. However, as that 50 percent divorce rate indicates, the Code isn’t making our lives easier. Here is a case where an understanding of the Code can help those frustrated by love to go off Code in a productive manner. If you realize that your unconscious
expects
you to fail, you can begin to look at love with more sensible goals. While understanding and respecting the tug to find Mr. Right or Ms. Perfect, you can look for someone who can be a partner, a friend, and a caring lover, though she or he can’t possibly fulfill all of your needs.

A prominent diamond company deals with the Code in a distinctive fashion. One component of its marketing focuses on the “false expectations” the American subconscious feels about love: its ads feature couples using diamonds to profess their eternal love or to confirm their commitment after years together. Another component of its marketing, however, deals with the consequences of false expectations in a clever manner: by highlighting the investment and resale value of diamonds. Both campaigns are strongly on Code, addressing our undying belief in the permanence of romantic love and providing a useful benefit when that belief fails to pan out.

WHY
DOES
SEDUCTION
MAKE
US
DANGEROUSLY
UNCOMFORTABLE?

I was eleven years old. I was shopping with my mother. I already had a figure, a nice bust, but my mother didn’t want me to wear makeup. A middle-aged man was looking at me and came up to speak to me. My mom was right there like Superman saying, “You dirty old man.” She took my hand and we moved to another aisle. At first, I did not understand what happened. I just got a feeling of danger.

—a fifty-six-year-old American woman, on her first imprint of seduction

When the French beauty product company L’Oréal commissioned me to perform imprinting sessions on seduction all over the world, I got the opportunity to juxtapose the American Culture Code for this against the Codes of cultures that had long since passed beyond adolescence. It wasn’t at all surprising that the American Code was different from those of the older cultures. However, from the very first session I held in the United States, I found that responses were consistent, in a way both revealing and, indeed, surprising. Something about the very notion of seduction makes us Americans squeamish.

I was in kindergarten. This little boy was very nice with me, always telling me he liked me and always playing with my toys. One day, he left with one of my stuffed animals. I saw it, but did not cry or say anything because I wanted him to come back and play with me.

—a fifty-one-year-old woman

These responses were unlike any I received anywhere else in the world. Of course, each culture has its own distinct impressions of seduction and the seduction ritual. The French, for instance, have a popular saying: “It’s not what you have; it’s what you do with it.” Unlike American women, who try to change what nature gave them through plastic surgery, liposuction, whitened and capped teeth, and endless hours at the gym, French women seek to enhance their natural appearance. In France, a woman will spend two hours in front of the mirror trying to appear as though she hasn’t spent any time on her makeup at all. Her goal is to seem as casual about her seductive qualities as possible. In fact, if a French woman appears obviously made up, there’s a good chance she’ll be mistaken for a prostitute.

Showing that you are trying too hard to get a man indicates that you are desperate, and this is frowned upon in French culture. This even extends to the names of attire chosen as part of seduction. The word “negligee” comes from a French root that roughly translates in English to “neglect.” Even though a French woman might look especially appealing in a negligee, her intent is to appear as though she doesn’t care at all about what she’s wearing.

The concept of makeup and preparation for seduction came up very infrequently in the American imprinting sessions. When it did, it was usually associated with a parent’s scorn.

My first experience with seduction was when I was a little girl. I was stealing my mother’s makeup and lipstick and with two of my friends, we would pretend we were grown up—wearing my mother’s high heels, walking slowly, trying to be models on a catwalk. My mother would arrive and be upset because we ruined her makeup.

—a fifty-five-year-old woman

The English, on the other hand, perform the seduction dance to much louder music, and only one gender seems to be doing any dancing at all.

English men have a remarkably strong bond with one another, perhaps stronger than the relationship between men in any other culture. Because they truly believe that only other men can understand their feelings, all of their meaningful friendships are with other men. They spend a great deal of time in men’s clubs, and most of their nights out center around activities with other men, even if they wind up going home with a woman when the evening is over.

This understandably leads to a real disconnection from English women, who feel left out of the party. The lack of attention they receive from the men of their culture is extremely frustrating and distressing to them. Because they feel unnoticed and unacknowledged, young English women prepare for seduction in a way almost precisely the opposite of French women. They dress outrageously to gain attention. They’ll wear miniskirts barely bigger than a belt, they’ll expose their midriffs and adorn their navels with jewelry, and they’ll dye their hair a variety of colors, often at the same time. They make every effort to be noticed.

Yet English men tend to remain detached. Detachment is, in fact, a signature of the English man (think of the scene in the movie
Titanic
where, while others run for safety from the sinking ship, an Englishman continues to play cards, saying, “I have a good hand; I’d like to finish it out”). It is a rare occasion indeed when you see an English man walk down the street, see a beautiful woman, and comment in any way.

This simply causes English women to ratchet up their efforts. Given the direction in which this is heading, one can only imagine what the fashion trends will be in London a couple of decades from now.

American women are rarely this provocative. Again, this is a reflection of our cultural adolescence, a stage known for awkwardness and uncertainty. In America, there is an undercurrent of fear of the ramifications of overtly sexual behavior, exemplified by this response from a participant in an imprinting session:

When I was in high school, I saw two guys trying to catch a girl. They were playing, but suddenly the fight became ugly. One guy touched the girl’s breast and she punched him in the nose. The teacher arrived. The girl said the guys were trying to rape her. That was a mess. Since then, I did not want to play this kind of game with boys.

—a twenty-five-year-old woman

The Italian culture, an ancient one, sends very different unconscious messages to those raised within it. Italians see seduction as an elaborate and joyous game. Italian men adore women and embrace everything about them. They are more in touch with their feminine side than men of any other culture are (remember, when we speak about a Culture Code, we aren’t saying everyone is alike, but that this reference system is available to everyone in the culture). In fact, they spend more time beautifying themselves than Italian women do. They make liberal use of cosmetics, use baby shampoo to make their hair soft and lustrous, apply creams and ointments to their skin to keep their appearance youthful, and take tremendous care in the way they dress—their clothes, their shoes, and their fragrance. They are probably the most elegant men in the world, and the objective of this elegance is seduction.

Because they have such a strong feminine side, Italian men connect very easily with women; Italian women love them for it. In fact, even foreign women respond differently to Italian men than they do to men of other cultures. While in their home country, women might be offended if men whistled at them (think of an American woman passing construction workers), they are often charmed if the same thing happens on an Italian street. Largely, this is because Italian men make it clear that their attentions are in fun and neither threatening nor salacious in any way; their strong natural connection to women makes it easy for them to convey this.

In fact, seduction is more of a pastime for Italian men than it is for people of either gender in any other culture. It is a game in which playing is much more important than winning. An Italian man will go up to a woman he doesn’t know, he’ll tell her how beautiful she is and that he has fallen in love with her instantly—and, if the woman doesn’t reciprocate his interest, he’ll merely smile, shrug, and move along. Five minutes later, you can find him doing the same thing with another woman and, if the results are the same, he’ll keep going until he encounters someone who considers him irresistible. Remarkably, he actually stands a decent chance of succeeding with this approach.

I got little sense of this playful side from American men in the discovery sessions I held. To the contrary, male American participants consistently wrote about the adolescent emotions of confusion, disappointment, and desperation.

I have never been good at that. I was very uncomfortable with girls. They were always laughing and I did not know why. I felt ashamed, but I did not know why.

—a twenty-year-old man

When I was a child (four or five), people told me I was cute. I had a girlfriend my age in school. We were always together, sometimes holding hands. The teacher told our respective parents and I was not allowed to be with her anymore. I think she was my first love. I was so sad, I cried for days.

—a thirty-five-year-old man

I had principles. My friends were laughing and telling me I would never get laid, I was too ugly. My friends always spoke about sex in high school. I was not comfortable with them. I wanted to find a girl who would love me. I was afraid not to know what to do.

—a thirty-eight-year-old man

While the Japanese culture is also an ancient one, the men in that culture express many of the same feelings of discomfort as their American counterparts. The reason, however, is very different. Because arranged marriages remain the norm in Japan, men have not developed expertise in attracting women. A favorite pastime among Japanese men is to go to bars where they pay “hostesses” huge amounts of money to pour their whiskey and listen to them while they get drunk. They will surround themselves with geisha, sometimes four or five at a time, and maybe even have sex with these women when they’ve become drunk enough, but they seem utterly incapable of courtship or wooing a woman. This comes directly from a culture that teaches them that love is trivial and yet even dangerous (a “temporary disease”).