The Crazy Dentist and Other Naughty Stories for Good Boys and Girls (2 page)

‘Big Butt' Barton, or Rupert Clarence Barton to his parents, was the laziest kid I have ever known. So lazy that one day, he simply refused to get out of bed. Ever! Except to go to the toilet, of course. And even then he sat down for everything. But more of that later.

It all began when Rupert was a baby. His parents thought he was the dearest little thing that ever breathed. To make Rupert happy, they gave him things. Anything and everything. Spoilt him rotten. Toys, cuddles, drinks and as much as he could possibly eat. Which was a lot.

It wasn't long before poor Rupert looked like a plastic blow-up baby that'd come out of the factory all wrong. Fat head, huge tummy and massive bum. When it came to changing Rupert's nappy, volunteers were hard to find.

As Rupert grew older, his parents continued to spoil him and unfortunately, it really messed him up. When people give you stuff all the time, it makes you unhappy. Because the fun of life is doing things. What is there to do if everything is done for you? So, you become sad and lazy, and sadness seems to make people tired. Which just makes you lazier still.

Rupert didn't ever make his bed. He threw his dirty clothes on the floor, never cleaned his teeth, never replaced a toilet roll, and left lolly wrappers all over the place. He never put the milk back in the fridge, he used the same tissues to blow his nose if the new box hadn't been opened and he stuck chewed bubblegum on his bedroom wall.

But a day came along when Rupert's parents at last woke up to themselves. Rupert's dad was cooking a surprise dinner for his mum when the phone rang. He yelled out to Rupert that it could be the really important call he was expecting — so would he please watch the chops frying on the stove?

Rupert didn't even bother to answer. He was watching TV and it was one of his favourite shows. Well, guess what? The chops caught fire and the kitchen burnt down. Five thousand dollars' worth of damage.

Rupert didn't care. Why should he? They weren't his chops.

That night, Rupert's dad said to his mum, ‘You know what? Our son is a pig.
A lazy, selfish, disgusting pig!'

So, when Rupert became so lazy that he refused to get out of bed, his father went off.

‘You will get up,' screamed his father, ‘and you will get dressed for school. Otherwise you're grounded for a month!'

Grounded
, thought Rupert, smiling to himself and snuggling in under the blankets.
How much more grounded can I get?

Although Rupert knew that his father was right about him being lazy and selfish, he was sure his mum wouldn't be a problem. He could con her every time. Wrap her around his little finger. You see, his dad went off to work every day, leaving his mum, who worked from home, at Rupert's mercy.

Rupert waited until his dad had left for work, and then he started on his mum. ‘Mummy,' he called from his bed. ‘I love you very, very much.'

‘And I love you too, darling,' his mum replied.

‘Mummy, can I have some lunch?'

‘No, dear,' his mum said. ‘Your father and I have agreed to no food — in fact, nothing at all until you get out of bed.'

‘Then you mustn't love me at all.'

‘That's not true.'

‘Then how could you make me starve? I've read about poor little kids like me. They feel unloved, they leave home, they fall off a cliff and they die with broken hearts.'

It wasn't too long before Rupert was propped up in bed with extra pillows munching into hamburgers, chips, fried chicken, onion rings, eggs and tomato sauce. Followed by ice-cream, lemonade and donuts.

On the first night of his big lie-in, friends came around to see why he hadn't been at school.

‘Because I can't be bothered getting up,' replied Rupert.

‘Fair enough,' said his friends. ‘Cool!'

That night, when Rupert's father found him still in bed, he went berserk. He tried dragging Rupert onto the floor, but Rupert was too big to move. Apart from being huge, Rupert's bottom had made a massive hollow in his mattress. It was like pulling an elephant out of quicksand.

It wasn't long before Rupert's teachers began to ask questions. The newspapers as well. Someone had rung
The Daily News
and the headlines screamed,
They've Made His Bed. Now He's Lying In It!

The story said that all kids get it too easy these days and it's their parents' fault. If something isn't done soon, the newspaper said, the world will fall to bits. Suddenly Rupert was becoming famous.

Television, radio and magazines all wanted to speak to Rupert and finally, one TV program said that if Rupert would speak to their show and their show only, they would pay him ten thousand dollars. An exclusive, it was called.

Yes, yes, yes,
thought Rupert.

On the big day, Rupert looked out his window and it seemed as though he was the most important person in the world. There were trucks, people, cameras, lights and, if Rupert wasn't mistaken, a man carrying a padlocked bag, which surely contained ten thousand beautiful bucks.

There was a knock at the door. ‘Mum, Dad,' yelled Rupert. ‘Quick, it's them!'

‘Oh, really?' said his dad, peering around the door. ‘Get it yourself.'

‘What?' said Rupert. ‘I can't. If I get up that means I'm not in bed and that means they won't talk to me. It ruins everything!'

‘Love to help,' said his dad, ‘but I just can't be bothered. Sometimes life sucks, doesn't it, Rupert?'

‘Mum,' yelled Rupert. ‘Please!'

‘Can't hear you properly,' his mum called. ‘I'm in the kitchen cooking your favourite meal.'

Poor Rupert. He did end up answering the door himself. He tried running quickly back to bed, but he tripped. Right in front of the man with the camera. Guess who was so big that he couldn't get up again? Like a beached whale, he was. Coughing and spluttering and thrashing and sweating in his very smelly pyjamas.

Rupert made it onto television, all right. But only as a joke. And the ten thousand bucks?
No way.

Rupert helps his mum and dad out a lot these days. And he's never been happier. He's still pretty big, but who cares? Size doesn't matter. Some of us are big, some small and some medium. Big deal. In fact, Rupert's only problem in life is sleeping. He keeps hearing a knock at the door.

‘Go near that tunnel again,' yelled Megan's father, ‘and you're in big trouble. Do I make myself clear?'

‘Yes, Dad,' replied Megan, knowing never to argue when her dad cracked it. No point in letting things get ugly. Especially with it being only a month since she was last grounded.

Yet only twenty-four hours later, Megan and her friend Sophia were at the tunnel again. It was like a magnet! Megan knew it was very, very wrong of her to disobey her father and that she would later regret it ten times over. But she couldn't help herself. She and Sophia were drawn to the tunnel. Drawn by the mystery of it all. I'd better explain…

Megan and Sophia lived in the country and they were both crazy about horses. A couple of months before, on an organised trail ride, they had listened around the campfire to two old cattle men talking about a man who went missing years ago. A man who was never seen again. Jack Blair was his name.

Apparently Jack had come into town one day looking for work. On the third night of his stay, Jack had too much to drink and got into a huge fight with a local named Clarry Brown. The next day, Jack didn't turn up for his carrot-picking job, so everyone thought he must have had enough and left town. Shot through.

But the men around the campfire had noticed something. An old mineshaft on Clarry's farm had suddenly been bricked up. Closed over the very next day. When one of the men joked to Clarry, ‘You didn't chuck that poor Jack bloke down there, did you?', Clarry seemed to come over all funny. He went red, mumbled something about the mine being dangerous, and then walked away.

A couple of months later, police arrived in town and said they were looking for a missing person. A Jack Blair. But no-one said they knew anything. Sure, Jack had been there once, but that was it.

People can be like that sometimes. When it comes to trouble and the police, memories can suddenly go missing. The men around the fire admitted that they too told the police nothing, but that hadn't stopped them from wondering what had really happened that night.

Some other people started wondering, too. Megan and Sophia.

You see, Megan's dad had often gone looking for gold down old mine-shafts and at the end of dark tunnels, and sometimes he took Megan with him. He'd once said that a lot of the tunnels and mine-shafts were connected, but most of them were too dangerous to explore.
Especially
Tamar's Tunnel.

The trouble was, Tamar's Tunnel ran directly under Clarry Brown's place. Megan and Sophie started wondering whether it would meet up with the bricked-up mine-shaft. Maybe they could find poor Jack Blair's bones down there. Maybe they could solve a murder! It drove them mad.

So one day, armed with torches, rope, pencils, paper and a compass, Megan and Sophia set out along Tamar's Tunnel for the adventure of their lives. They were scared, but determined. Excited, but careful.

Megan went first, with one end of the rope tied around her waist and the other end around Sophia's. That way, if either of them did happen to stumble into a hole, the other would break their fall. Hopefully.

The girls measured every step and each time the tunnel took a turn, they checked the compass and drew a line on the paper, like a map. They had already drawn the exact spot where the bricked-up shaft should be and, little by little, they could see they were getting closer. Megan was beginning to feel sick with excitement.

Then suddenly, there were bats! In their faces, in their hair — almost, it seemed, in their mouths. They screamed. Then just as suddenly, the bats were gone.

Megan's heart was beating so hard she could hear it. ‘Ready to go on?' she whispered.

‘Yes,' replied Sophia, with a lump in her throat. ‘I think so.'