The Colossal Camera Calamity (7 page)

“Never.”

“No, really, you have to let it go.”

“Why?” I asked, not looking up.

“Because—” Frankie said.

I felt a hand grab my shoulder and squeeze.

“Relax, buddy,” I said without thinking. “Where’s the fire?”

“You tell me, young man.”

I spun around and found myself looking up at a fireman, wearing breathing apparatus and holding an axe. I flashed him my million-dollar smile. He wasn’t impressed.

Oh, boy.

We all got the punishments we deserved. Me, Frankie and Ashley had detention for a week, and we each had to write a five-paragraph essay on fire safety. Actually, Miss Adolf made
mine
ten paragraphs, because she’s Miss Adolf.

Also – and this wasn’t part of my official punishment, but it sure felt like it – I’d had a long-standing appointment with my dentist for the day after the photo shoot. He found two cavities and extracted one baby molar that was refusing to fall out on its own, and it was absolute torture.

Emily and Dad had to make Mum breakfast for two weeks, and Dad also had to give her a hand massage every evening. Plus, Dad had to buy new clothes, more appropriately fitting ones, all picked out by Mum. And she threw out his lucky jumper.

With all the tension from the disastrous interview with the institute, I didn’t catch any flack at home. Mum and Dad hadn’t been told that
I
was sort of the one who set off the fire alarm. And steadfast Katherine the lizard kept her lizard mouth shut. She never once mentioned that I had poured liquid soap all over Emily’s dentist-recommended hypersonic toothbrush.

Actually, I was doing pretty well with my parents. My school photo came a week ago and it wasn’t bad at all. It was pretty good. It wasn’t amazing, but it looked like what I normally see in the mirror. Not weird, not perfection, just … me. And that was OK.

I thought I’d proved to my family that I could do something right in school, even if that something right only lasted for a fraction of a second. Even if it did take three uniforms and a fire alarm to achieve it.

I stared at the photo in admiration as Mum put it on the shelf. “Looking smart, Hank,” she said, plopping down next to me on the sofa. “How’s it coming in there?” she shouted through to the kitchen. “I’m starving!”

Dad and Emily were sweating over the open flame, shirtsleeves rolled up, bickering between themselves. Just then the post slipped through the letterbox.

Emily abandoned Mum’s eggs and dashed for the door. She tore through the stack of mail, tossing aside everything until her fingers landed on a big manila envelope. She ripped it open with her teeth.

“It’s from the institute!” she cried.

“Now, Em,” Mum said, “there’s always next year, sweetie. So don’t take it too—”

“I got in!” Emily screamed.

“What?” Mum sat up. “How?”

“Let’s see,” Emily said. “Here, it begins, ‘Dear, Emily, We are delighted to offer you a spot… You were one of the strongest candidates we interviewed all year.’ And there’s more about how I should feel proud of myself and expect to win Nobel prizes in twenty years, and here’s the best bit – ‘Out of all the candidates, we feel you would benefit the most from spending time in a less chaotic and more nurturing environment.’”

“Charming,” Mum said with a frown.

“That’s what it says, Mum. Should I read it again?”

“No,” Mum said, picking up the rest of the post. She sorted through it. “Here’s a letter from school. Oh, it’s from Mr Love… Hmm.”

“He’s an odd one,” said my dad from the kitchen, “although I did like his sword.”

“You can tell him in person,” Mum said. “He wants us to come in. He wants to talk about the missing photos. What missing photos? Hank! HANK!”

But I had already bolted. I was out of the door and running straight for the surface of Mars.

Hank Zipzer the World’s Greatest Underachiever series by Henry Winkler and Lin Oliver

The Crazy Classroom Cascade

The Crunchy Pickle Disaster

The Mutant Moth

The Lucky Monkey Socks

The Soggy School Trip

The Killer Chilli

The Parent-Teacher Trouble

The Best Worst Summer Ever

The Ping-Pong Wizard

The House of Halloween Horrors

Who Ordered this Baby? Definitely Not Me!

The Curtain Went Up, My Trousers Fell Down

A Tale of Two Tails

The Life of Me (Enter at Your Own Risk)

The Cow Poo Treasure Hunt
(written by Theo Baker)

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or, if real, used fictitiously. All statements, activities, stunts, descriptions, information and material of any other kind contained herein are included for entertainment purposes only and should not be relied on for accuracy or replicated as they may result in injury.

First published in Great Britain 2015 by Walker Entertainment, an imprint of Walker Books Ltd, 87 Vauxhall Walk, London SE11 5HJ

Based on the television series “Hank Zipzer” produced by Kindle Entertainment in association with DHX Media Ltd. Based on the screenplay
The Colossal Camera Calamity
Reproductions © 2014 Hank Zipzer Productions Limited

Text © 2015 Walker Books Ltd
Cover by Walker Books Ltd

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, transmitted or stored in an information retrieval system in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, taping and recording, without prior written permission from the publisher.

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data:
a catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN 978-1-4063-6625-9 (ePub)

www.walker.co.uk