The Collected Joe Abercrombie (12 page)

‘I suppose we all serve the King in our own way,’ whined Captain Luthar, reaching for his steel, but Glokta was far too quick for him. His blade flashed with lightning speed, catching the sneering idiot through the neck.

Blood splattered across Ardee West’s face. She clapped her hands in delight, looking at Glokta with shining eyes.

Luthar seemed surprised to be killed. ‘Hah. Quite so,’ said Glokta with a smile. The Captain pitched over onto his face, blood pouring from his punctured throat. The crowd roared their appreciation and Glokta indulged them with a deep, graceful bow. The cheering was redoubled.

‘Oh, Colonel, you shouldn’t,’ murmured Ardee as Glokta licked the blood from her cheek.

‘Shouldn’t what?’ he growled, tipping her back in his arms and kissing her fiercely. The crowd were in a frenzy. She gasped as he broke away, looking up at him adoringly with those big dark eyes of hers, lips slightly parted.

‘The Arth Ector wanth you,’ she said with a comely smile.

‘What?’ The crowd had fallen silent, damn them, and his left side was turning numb.

Ardee touched him tenderly on the cheek. ‘The Arth Ector!’ she shouted.

There was a heavy knock at the door. Glokta’s eyes flicked open.

Where am I? Who am I?

Oh no.

Oh yes.
He realised straight away he had been sleeping badly, his body was twisted round under the blankets, his face pushed into the pillow. His whole left side was dead.

The beating on the door came heavier than before. ‘The Arth Ector!’ came Frost’s tongueless bellow from the other side.

Pain shot through Glokta’s neck as he tried to raise his head from the pillow.
Ah, there’s nothing like the first spasm of the day to get the mind working.
‘Alright!’ he croaked, ‘give me a minute, damn it!’

The albino’s heavy footsteps thudded away down the corridor. Glokta lay still for a moment, then cautiously moved his right arm, ever so slowly, breath rasping with the effort, and tried to twist himself onto his back. He clenched his fist as the needling started in his left leg.
If only the damn thing would stay numb.
But the pain was coming on fast now. He was also becoming aware of an unpleasant smell.
Damn it. I’ve shit myself again.

‘Barnam!’ howled Glokta, then waited, panting, left side throbbing with a vengeance.
Where is the old idiot?
‘Barnam!’ he screamed at the top of his lungs.

‘Are you alright, sir?’ came the servant’s voice from beyond the door.

Alright? Alright, you old fool? Just when do you think I was last alright?
‘No, damn it! I’ve soiled the bed!’

‘I’ve boiled water for a bath, sir. Can you get up?’

Once before Frost had had to break the door down.
Maybe I should let it stand open all night, but then how could I sleep?
‘I think I can manage,’ Glokta hissed, tongue pressed into his empty gums, arms trembling as he hauled himself out of the bed and onto the chair beside it.

His grotesque, toeless left leg twitched to itself, still beyond his control. He glared down at it with a burning hatred.
Fucking horrible thing. Revolting, useless lump of flesh. Why didn’t they just cut you off? Why don’t I still?
But he knew why not. With his leg still on he could at least pretend to be half a man. He punched his withered thigh, then immediately regretted it.
Stupid, stupid.
The pain crept up his back, a little more intense than before, and growing with every second.
Come now, come now, let’s not fight.
He started to rub gently at the wasted flesh.
We are stuck with each other, so why torment me?

‘Can you get to the door, sir?’ Glokta wrinkled his nose at the smell then took hold of his cane and slowly, agonisingly, pushed himself to his feet. He hobbled across the room, almost slipping halfway there but righting himself with a searing twinge. He turned the key in the lock, leaning against the wall for balance, and hauled the door open.

Barnam was standing on the other side, his arms outstretched, ready to catch him.
The ignominy of it. To think that I, Sand dan Glokta, the greatest swordsman the Union has ever seen, must be carried to my bath by an old man so that I can wash my own shit off. They must be laughing loud now, all those fools I beat, if they still remember me. I’d be laughing too, if it didn’t hurt so much.
But he let the weight off his left leg and put his arm round Barnam’s shoulders without complaint.
What’s the use after all? Might as well make it easy for myself. As easy as it can be.

Glokta took a deep breath. ‘Go gently, the leg hasn’t woken up yet.’ They hopped and stumbled down the corridor, slightly too narrow for both of them together. The bathroom seemed a mile away.
Or more. I’d rather walk a hundred miles as I used to be, than to the bathroom as I am. But that’s my bad luck isn’t it? You can’t go back. Not ever.

The steam felt deliciously warm on Glokta’s clammy skin. With Barnam holding him under the arms he slowly lifted his right leg and put it gingerly into the water.
Damn it, that’s hot.
The old servant helped him get the other leg in, then, taking him under the armpits, lowered him like a child, until he was immersed up to his neck.

‘Ahhh.’ Glokta cracked a toothless smile. ‘Hot as the Maker’s forge, Barnam, just the way I like it.’ The heat was getting into the leg now, and the pain was subsiding.
Not gone. Never gone. But better. A lot better.
Glokta began to feel almost as if he could face another day.
You have to learn to love the small things in life, like a hot bath. You have to love the small things, when you’ve nothing else.

Practical Frost was waiting for him downstairs in the tiny dining room, his bulk wedged into a low chair against the wall. Glokta sagged into the other chair and caught a whiff from the steaming porridge bowl, wooden spoon sticking up at an angle without even touching the side. His stomach rumbled and his mouth began watering fiercely.
All the symptoms, in fact, of extreme nausea.

‘Hurray!’ shouted Glokta. ‘Porridge again!’ He looked over at the motionless Practical. ‘Porridge and honey, better than money, everything’s funny, with porridge and honey!’

The pink eyes did not blink.

‘It’s a rhyme for children. My mother used to sing it to me. Never actually got me to eat this slop though. But now,’ and he dug the spoon in, ‘I can’t get enough of it.’

Frost stared back at him.

‘Healthy,’ said Glokta, forcing down a mouthful of sweet mush and spooning up another, ‘delicious,’ choking down some more, ‘and here’s the real clincher,’ he gagged slightly on the next swallow, ‘no chewing required.’ He shoved the mostly full bowl away and tossed the spoon after it. ‘Mmmmm,’ he hummed. ‘A good breakfast makes for a good day, don’t you find?’

It was like staring at a whitewashed wall, but without all the emotion.

‘So the Arch Lector wants me again, does he?’

The albino nodded.

‘And what might our illustrious leader desire with the likes of us, do you think?’

A shrug.

‘Hmmm.’ Glokta licked bits of porridge out of his empty gums. ‘Does he seem in a good mood, do you know?’

Another shrug.

‘Come, come, Practical Frost, don’t tell me everything at once, I can’t take it in.’

Silence. Barnam entered the room and cleared away the bowl. ‘Do you want anything else, sir?’

‘Absolutely. A big half-raw slab of meat and a nice crunchy apple.’ He looked over at Practical Frost. ‘I used to love apples when I was a child.’

How many times have I made that joke?
Frost looked back impassively, there was no laughter there. Glokta turned to Barnam, and the old man gave a tired smile.

‘Oh well,’ sighed Glokta. ‘A man has to have hope doesn’t he?’

‘Of course sir,’ muttered the servant, heading for the door.

Does he?

The Arch Lector’s office was on the top floor of the House of Questions, and it was a long way up. Worse still, the corridors were busy with people. Practicals, clerks, Inquisitors, crawling like ants through a crumbling dung-hill. Whenever he felt their eyes on him Glokta would limp along, smiling, head held high. Whenever he felt himself alone he would pause and gasp, sweat and curse, and rub and slap the tenuous life back into his leg.

Why does it have to be so high?
he asked himself as he shuffled up the dim halls and winding stairs of the labyrinthine building. By the time he reached the ante-chamber he was exhausted and blowing hard, left hand sore on the handle of his cane.

The Arch Lector’s secretary examined him suspiciously from behind a big dark desk that took up half the room. There were some chairs placed opposite for people to get nervous waiting in, and two huge Practicals flanked the great double doors to the office, so still and grim as to appear a part of the furniture.

‘Do you have an appointment?’ demanded the secretary in a shrill voice.
You know who I am, you self-important little shit.

‘Of course,’ snapped Glokta, ‘do you think I limped all the way up here to admire your desk?’

The secretary looked down his nose at him. He was a pale, handsome young man with a mop of yellow hair.
The puffed up fifth son of some minor nobleman with over-active loins, and he thinks he can patronise me?
‘And your name is?’ he asked with a sneer.

Glokta’s patience was worn out by the climb. He smashed his cane down on the top of the desk and the secretary near jumped out of his chair. ‘What are you? A fucking idiot? How many crippled Inquisitors do you have here?’

‘Er . . .’ said the secretary, mouth working nervously.

‘Er? Er? Is that a number? Speak up!’

‘Well I—’

‘I’m Glokta, you dolt! Inquisitor Glokta!’

‘Yes, sir, I—’

‘Get your fat arse out of that chair, fool! Don’t keep me waiting!’ The secretary sprang up, hurried to the doors, pushed one open and stood aside respectfully. ‘That’s better,’ growled Glokta, shuffling after him. He looked up at the Practicals as he hobbled past. He was almost sure one of them had a slight smile on his face.

The room had hardly changed since he was last there, six years before. It was a cavernous, round space, domed ceiling carved with gargoyle faces, its one enormous window offering a spectacular view over the spires of the University, a great section of the outer wall of the Agriont, and the looming outline of the House of the Maker beyond.

The chamber was mostly lined with shelves and cabinets, stacked high with neatly ordered files and papers. A few dark portraits peered down from the sparse white walls, including a huge one of the current King of the Union as a young man, looking wise and stern.
No doubt painted before he became a senile joke. These days there’s usually a bit less authority and a bit more stray drool about him.
There was a heavy round table in the centre of the room, its surface painted with a map of the Union in exquisite detail. Every city in which there was a department of the Inquisition was marked with a precious stone, and a tiny silver replica of Adua rose out of the table at its hub.

The Arch Lector was sitting in an ancient high chair at this table, deep in conversation with another man: a gaunt, balding, sour-faced old fellow in dark robes. Sult beamed up as Glokta shuffled towards them, the other man’s expression hardly changed.

‘Why, Inquisitor Glokta, delighted you could join us. Do you know Surveyor General Halleck?’

‘I have not had the pleasure,’ said Glokta.
Not that it looks like much of a pleasure, though.
The old bureaucrat stood and shook Glokta’s hand without enthusiasm.

‘And this is one of my Inquisitors, Sand dan Glokta.’

‘Yes indeed,’ murmured Halleck. ‘You used to be in the army, I believe. I saw you fence once.’