The Coldest Winter Ever (53 page)

Years later you notice her, dirty, tattered, and broken, underneath your bed. At that point you may have a quick flash of memory. You smile at having loved her once. But mostly, you just pity her now.

When a woman has not established her own personal identity, she does not deserve to have a name. A personal identity tells and shows family and friends who you really are on the inside. It comprises what you feel, what you think, what you believe, what you are interested in, what gifts you have, what you dislike, what you spend the majority of your time doing, and what you’re working toward.

Every woman’s personal identity is influenced by others, such as her mother and father, her grandparents, sisters and brothers, and closest friends. However, she must shape finally who she actually is, which will end up being slightly different than who they are.

When a woman meets a man of interest, she should already be somebody. She should not just be a sitting duck or dandelion waiting to be plucked. She should not be waiting for his ring to turn her into a woman. She should not be waiting for his money, promises, adornments, or lifestyle to turn her into a woman. In fact, if she is clear and whole, her agreement to join her world to his should add something to the equation, instead of her just being absorbed, then blending in.

Not naming female characters who have not evolved or blossomed
into whole women is a literary technique I developed when I wrote my first book,
No Disrespect.
In that book, which is about the young relationships of Sister Souljah, I never once named myself. Nor did I ever use the Sister Souljah title. I knew that as a young woman, from a teen through twenty-two years old, I did not deserve it. I hadn’t finished the work I needed to do on me. I was not yet a woman.

What happens when a woman is old enough in age, let’s say twenty-five, twenty-eight, or thirty-three and she still has not blossomed into a whole woman? She has the hips and tits. She has the flirtatious eyes and immaculate hairstyles. She has the manicure and pedicure. She has the Louis Vuitton handbag and the diamond bracelet. She has the husband and the children. But she has the mind of a twelve year old.

Her limitations, her lack of growth will transfer to her daughters. It will cast her sons out in the world to seek new but maybe less concerned teachers. It will either bore, limit, or run her husband away.

A whole woman is a natural magnet. She draws so much to herself, that sometimes she has to fight for time for herself and space to breathe. A whole woman creates an intelligent environment, where others can also grow and become something significant. A whole woman commands the respect of her husband. In fear of losing her respect he honors her boundaries. A whole woman’s mind and voice are so entertaining that she keeps a permanent audience. She provides her children with an arsenal of common sense, pertinent information, and worldly wisdom, so that they might do more than survive. So that they might triumph.

Mrs. Santiaga gave birth to Winter when she was fourteen years old. When a teenager becomes pregnant at such a young age it is not a tragedy. However, it will take careful planning and teamwork in order for her to still be able to continue to learn and grow. The new life in her belly is of course the priority. In a good case, her parents and/or grandparents will pitch in. Her school will introduce her to a program with other young ladies needing the same kind of support. However, when this does not happen, or if she is the type of teen who doesn’t make it happen, the formal education is jeopardized and usually not replaced by anything else.

In the novel we never hear Mrs. Santiaga speak of her own mother and father, or of having grandparents. We can assume that either they were dead or, more likely, that they did not have a powerfully positive impact on her. If this is true, the picture is beginning to come into
focus. We now have a character whose education stopped on or before ninth grade, who also has a disconnection from her parents and past.

Apparently Mrs. Santiaga was with Ricky Santiaga since the age of thirteen since she became pregnant at fourteen. When a young girl who is disinterested in, or running from, her parents meets a boy who she likes, usually he becomes the world to her. Ricky Santiaga was Mrs. Santiaga’s world. From what we know as readers, she did not have any other interest than him. She had no high school education. She had no high school degree. She had no occupation. Her main interest was getting beautiful, and remaining beautiful to keep his focus on her.

When a girl grows up on the block, finds love on the block, has babies on the block, and doesn’t leave the block, how much can we expect her to contribute to her husband, children, and community? A small mind breeds bacteria. A pretty little empty-headed thing sits around and finds things to talk about. Gossip becomes the appetizer, a jealous competition with the other sitters becomes the meal. Mrs. Santiaga, trapped in a small mind, spent a lot of time comparing herself to others and making sure she was winning. After she had it all (as she knew it), she spent the rest of her time decorating her daughters and making sure they were winning. But winning against whom? Better compared to what? Is it really that hard to be rich in a poor neighborhood and be the best-dressed chick? Is it really hard to be rich in a poor neighborhood and be living a better lifestyle than the others?

These were the simple goals she set for herself. They were the small and useless goals of a woman who had stopped thinking long ago.

Through Mrs. Santiaga’s words, “I’m a bad bitch,” and her living example, Winter learns to understand her own womanhood, and how to exist in their small world. Winter is led to believe that the essence of womanhood is visual. As long as a woman is looking, dressing, and smelling the best, she is the best. As long as a woman is a fierce competitor in a ghetto beauty pageant, as long as she knows how to push the other women down to the floor and keep them there, then that’s what really matters.

Winter was led to believe that womanhood was synonomous with vanity.
Webster’s
dictionary defines vanity as “useless.”

The shooting of Mrs. Santiaga represented the assassination of vanity and the assassination of useless and incomplete women. As an
author, my hope was to drive home the point so incredibly clearly that no girl anywhere will ever think or believe that it is cute to be stupid, uneducated, small-minded and unproductive. My mission was to piss off every little stagnant ghetto girl, to stir up every little silly suburban until they get off their asses and become something great.

The twisted mouth of Mrs. Santiaga symbolized the twisted life she led. She felt so powerful yet could not influence her husband to become a better man. She used her imagined power to get diamonds, furs, money, and drugs. But she could not win over his mind. She could not help change his actions. She could not after all, even, command his loyalty.

A whole woman has resilience. Resilience is the ability to recover, to bounce back from a setback or horrible fall. When Mrs. Santiaga experienced the first crack in her imaginary perfect life, it was the beginning of her permanent fall. When her husband failed to buy her Mercedes Benz on her birthday, the way she imagined it should go, she triggered a series of events that would lead her into a perpetual unrecovery.

After unexpectedly meeting Dulce Tristemente, the other woman in her husband’s life, Mrs. Santiaga’s recreational drug use turned habitual. Whereas a whole woman searches for the strength to move on in the eyes of her children, and for the benefit of her children, Mrs. Santiaga falls to pieces. She loses not only herself. She loses her children as well. Where was her will to fight back? Where did it go? One visit to Porsche at the state facility, then no more mommy.

Her impact withered away so immediately, and so completely. Even her own daughters, the twins, Mercedes and Lexy, did not shed a tear or say a word over her unrecognizable body twisted in the casket. What mother wants her children and family gathered around at her funeral out of obligation instead of love?

Mrs. Santiaga’s life symbolized incompletion. Her shooting symbolized the assasination of vanity. Her death symbolized the death of motherhood in our community. Drugs destroy the taker and the giver.

When a man makes a choice to take a wife, he no longer belongs only to himself. He is in effect now promising to share himself completely. He is sharing not only his thoughts and moods, but his words and secrets, his challenges and struggles, his actions, reactions, and consequences, his finances and debts, his blessings and his sins. This is a very serious move indeed.

A man must then, if not before, begin to build a foundation for himself, his new wife, and his children to come. The kind of foundation he is able to build will depend heavily upon his understanding of himself, his father before him, and the God he does or does not serve. If a man does not understand himself, his father before him or his beliefs, the foundation he lays for his family will rest in quicksand.

In judging a man, most women are very easily misled by his style and rhythm. They look at his face, teeth, hands, and for some, his shoes. They check out his clothes, his watch, his car, and his willingness to spend. His lovemaking. However, if a man is 100 percent in all of the above mentioned categories, and a zero in his understanding of himself, his father and God, then he will still be worthless in the long run.

Question: What makes a man worthless to a woman? Answer: If he cannot decide if he is good or evil. If he does not understand the universal spiritual laws of nature. If he cannot tell the truth about himself, his deeds and actions. If he carelessly places himself in danger. If he maintains control by feeding low self-esteem to and arousing jealousy and uneasiness in, his wife. If he is absent and unable to impact the shape and depth of the marriage, or present and setting a poor example for his sons and daughters to base their lives on. If he does not work hard he is short-sighted and incapable of securing the interests of his family in the event of his demise.

A lot of women cling to worthless men. They lie and cover up his
wrongful actions. They make excuses for his condition. They create an environment at home that allows his backwardness to thrive and spread. It may take these women more than a decade to figure out that everyone knows what’s really happening, that she’s an actress in a tragic theatrical performance, fooling only herself. That even her youngest child recognizes her shame.

Question: What happens when a man is a good-looking, tall, sweet-smelling, gun-toting, fine-dressing, money-having, sexy, worthless man? Answer: The same damn thing!

A man who wants to build a drug empire must now and forever acknowledge that he should remain unattached. Or, he must accept that whomever he loves, his wife and his children, are fair game, living life at high risk, inevitable human targets.

Ricky Santiaga built a foundation for his family that rested on top of quicksand. His house was destined to sink. It never even had a chance. As a drug dealer he was by choice participating in the world of evil. Yet at home he attempted to build a house of love. When a man makes a conscious decision to do evil, he steps outside of the grace of God and loses his spiritual protection. In forfeiting his spiritual protection, it does not mean that the man will lose his life immediately. It means that as that man goes out into the world to live, struggle, earn, and do battle, he has no spiritual armor.

Spiritual armor protects a man beyond the limited physical and logical protection that he can provide for himself. When a man opts to do evil, he does so along with a multitude of other men who are also evil. The laws of God, the common boundaries of love, life, loyalty, respect, mercy, and compassion do not operate within the evil realm.

God’s grace can only be earned by the man who acknowledges his wrongdoings, prays for forgiveness and strength to overcome them, then stops his evil doings. When he stops performing evil actions, the possibility then exists for him to earn back God’s grace. However, his conversation with God is not a negotiation. Fast talking and quick hands won’t get him more than he’s worth. An ayat from the Holy Quran says, “Allah is swift in all accounts.” This means that God is omniscient, sees everything, and is well aware of what your intentions and actions were and are. We will all be held accountable for each of our actions as God sees proper.

Many men who consciously do evil believe that they are smarter than God. They craft careful but fruitless plans to win back the grace
of God while still purposely doing evil actions and activities. They go to church or mosque while doing evil, which will not save them. They make contributions to and form relationships with the pastor or imam while doing evil, which will not save them. They wear a crucifix while doing evil, which will not help or save them. They pray for prosperity and victory while doing evil, which will not save them. They offer money to charities, which will not save them, their spirit, or their soul. Spiritual armor is one thing that can never be sold or bought for any amount of money. While any man can purchase security or a bodyguard, no man can purchase God’s grace.

Some men don’t bother acknowledging the existence of God in word or deed. They see those who do acknowledge God as weak. Their fate will be the same as the fate of those who pretend to honor God. They will be prisoners of their own dark minds. Ricky Santiaga attempted to outmaneuver God, whom he never acknowledged. He built a drug empire in the world. He built a house of love at home. In not understanding or accepting the universal spiritual laws of nature, he believed he could sell drugs, oversee crackheads, exact punishments, order beatings and even murders, then return home leaving the evil outside the double doors of his apartment and away from his wife and daughters.

However, when you invite the spirit of evil in through your conscious actions, that evil spirit lives within you. It will travel wherever you go, creating an evil energy. It places the ones whom you love the most in the most jeopardy. The Holy Bible says, “The sins of the father shall be inherited by the sons.” This means that the spiritual deeds and misdeeds of our parents shall rain down on our heads. We shall then become responsible for carrying or correcting them, coming back into God’s grace.