The Coil (33 page)

“I…. He gave me the impression that he didn’t really want—”

“Don’t. Don’t even.” Ty shook his head. “Look, I know you’re not a bad guy. All I’m asking is for you to pop your head out of your happy bubble for a sec, and look at the bigger picture.”

“I know what the bigger picture is,” Simon hissed. “The bigger picture is Mattie someday moving in, Mattie and I getting married, Mattie becoming a second father to Jamie!”

“What, so you’ve just got his life planned out for him now?”

“No!”

“Because everything you just said there, as happy as I’m sure it’d make Mattie, does not include any of his goals, just yours.”

Simon took a steadying breath, not wanting to draw attention to them or the conversation they were having. “If Mattie didn’t want to be with me, then he wouldn’t be.”

“It’s not a matter of whether he wants to be with you. I told you, he’s head over heels for you, has been since you started coming here, in fact. It’s a matter of what he’s giving up to be with you.”

“He could still go to school here, in San Diego.”

“No,” Ty said sadly, shaking his head. “You don’t get it, and I don’t even think it’s your fault because he obviously hasn’t said a word about it, but he’s not just giving up the chance at—at—” He gestured, frustrated. “—at just furthering his education or some shit. It’s more than that. New York is what kept him going. You don’t know, you don’t even
know
the hell-like shit he’s been through just to feed himself. He’s degraded himself, he’s put himself in dangerous situations where he’s been
attacked
. He had zero,
zero
self-worth at one point.”

“Mattie and I don’t have any secrets, not anymore. I know all about his past,” Simon offered weakly, feeling ill.

“You don’t know how much encouragement it took to get him to take those reading and writing classes. How much it took for him to begin to believe that he could get a GED and actually accomplish what it was he wanted. New York? That was his… his fucking redemption, or something. Just the idea of actually taking his art to this fancy college was something to keep him going when everything else was just shit. It was like he believed if he could get to New York, then—” He shrugged helplessly. “—then he’d done it. He’d changed who he was. Who he
hated
.”

“He hated himself?” Simon asked weakly.

Ty nodded. “Yeah, he did. And you know what? Despite all that nasty, ugly shit he put himself through, he did it. He got his GED, he got… he could do the art school thing, but he’s settled.” Ty leaned back in his seat, looking as unhappy as Simon felt.

“You think Mattie is settling for me and Jamie?”

Ty pressed his lips together in a thin line. “Yes. And I know that’s an asshole thing to say. I’m sorry.”

“You—you don’t know anything. This could be the making of Mattie. For all you know we were meant to be together.”

Ty groaned. “Look, I haven’t handled this well. What I’m basically trying to say is that he is still in his twenties, and before you came along, he had these aspirations of being an artist. Now? Now he’s settling for being a fucking waiter so that he can be with you.”

That hit home. It really did, but he and Mattie… they’d been through so much together. He may not be New York and all the meaning this college apparently had behind it, but he could try and be something more for Mattie, something that could give him that feeling of self-worth that New York would have.

“I… I appreciate what it is you’re trying to tell me. You obviously care a lot about Mattie too. You must be a very good friend.”

“Or a really bad one. I’m not sure.” Ty spoke glumly.

“
But
—”

“But?” Ty raised an eyebrow in question.

“But I can give Mattie that self-worth by—”

Ty groaned and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. “You don’t get it.”

“By loving him like he deserves to be,” Simon continued sharply. “Anything he needs, I will provide him with until he’s in a position where he can do it himself. If he wants to go to college close by, then I’ll pay for it. I will. But mostly, mostly I am going to love him. I am going to love him so hard until he
knows
what an amazing person he is.”

“Or you could let him do it for himself….”

“I promised him that I would never let him slip through the cracks again, and I’m going to keep that promise. Now you can disapprove all you want, but that’s the way it is. We’re together. We’re
staying
together.”

Ty stared at him, sighed, and then nodded once. “Fine. All right, I tried.”

“I understand that you did this out of kindness for Mattie, and out of respect for that, I’m even going to do you a favor and not mention this conversation to him, because we both know how mad he’d be with you right now.”

“You’ve got that right.”

“But you have to leave this be, all right? Please just trust that I am not going to let him down.”

Ty watched him, clenching his jaw. “Fine, just make sure that you don’t.”

Chapter Nine

M
ATTIE
had come to the conclusion that there was nothing more awesome than seeing a five-year-old lose his shit at the zoo out of excitement. They’d been there a good two hours, and the kid showed no signs of tiring. He couldn’t help but laugh as Jamie tugged Simon by the hand, making the man stoop clumsily over toward the chimpanzee enclosure. He trailed behind with Simon’s fancy digital camera in hand, taking shots of the adorable two.

Taking Jamie to the zoo had been a great idea of Simon’s. The kid was seriously enjoying himself, even if he did shy away from some of the animals, and even people at times. But they knew, even though Jamie would be excited, that this new place would be a challenge of sorts for him. Every new place was. They’d told him a few days before to try and get him used to the idea, and chose a weekday when most people would be at work and most kids at school so there wouldn’t be a crowd to contend with. So far it had panned out just fine. Jamie was loving it. Hell,
he
was loving it, and he’d never seen Simon so happy and relaxed.

“Hey, let me get a photo of you two.”

Mattie blinked in surprise. “Really?”

Simon nodded. “Yeah, go stand under that tree. Come on, champ.” Simon took Jamie’s hand and stood him under the tree. He stood back a few feet and fiddled with his camera.

Mattie crouched beside Jamie but wasn’t foolish enough to try and touch him at all, no matter how much he’d love to put his arm around him. He especially took care to not accidentally stand on his cape.

“Look.” Jamie pointed to the ground, and then they were both leaning with their heads close together, inspecting a line of ants.

Mattie sneaked a look at Jamie, a now familiar feeling of protectiveness swelling in his chest. He knew without a doubt that he could so easily love this kid like he was his very own flesh and blood. The idea thrilled him. A flash pulled him out of his thoughts, and he looked up to see Simon prodding at the camera, a frown on his face.

“The flash went off, should be fine,” Mattie offered, knowing that, despite the fact Simon owned a laptop, a fancy phone, and an even fancier camera, the man just was not technically inclined.

“I screwed up the lighting somehow. It’s a nice picture, but you’re all… silhouetted.”

“Take it again,” Mattie offered.

“Daddy, look!” Jamie chirped and pointed to a couple that strode past, hand in hand. The woman was carrying a large stuffed panda bear. “It’s a panda!”

“It’s a big one,” Mattie offered enthusiastically, and Jamie nodded.

“Do you like pandas, Jamie?” Simon asked, as always, trying to engage his son in this sudden new interest. Jamie nodded, and Simon reached into his back pocket for his wallet.

“Let me get it for him,” Mattie offered quietly, hoping Simon wouldn’t mind.

Simon practically beamed. “Sure, thanks. I think the gift shop is this way.” He nodded and then reached for Jamie’s hand. “Mattie’s buying you a panda! What do we say to Mattie?”

“Thank you, Mattie,” Jamie chimed, clinging to his dad’s hand.

“No problem, kiddo.”

They had the gift shop in their sights when crude squawking caught their attention. An excited squeal of “Penguins!” from Jamie had them veering off course toward the penguin enclosure, and Mattie had to admit, Ty had been right. Penguins
were
the best.

“Having fun?” Simon asked him with a mixture of teasing and amusement.

“Hell yeah!” Mattie laughed.

“You know they don’t sing and dance like
Happy Feet
, right?”

Mattie elbowed him in the side, and Simon laughed, hugging him close before speaking quietly in his ear. “It’s getting a little late. I think that gift shop might be closing soon. Do you want to stay here to watch the penguins with Jamie while I go get that panda?”

Mattie looked over his shoulder. “You’re okay with that?” Aside from sitting on the couch, watching
Lord of the Rings
and being schooled on Tolkien by Jamie while Simon was in his office writing, he’d never really been left to look after Jamie by himself before.

“I trust you. More to the point, so does Jamie.”

Mattie stole a quick kiss and then reached into his back pocket for his wallet. “I still want it to be from me,” he whispered and put a twenty in Simon’s hand.

“Be right back,” he murmured, then louder for Jamie to hear over the noisy birds. “Jamie? I’m going to be right over there, okay? I want you to stay with Mattie.”

Jamie nodded, and Mattie crouched down beside him. “Can I hold your hand?” he asked softly. Jamie hesitated, and then with a nod, placed his own much smaller hand in Mattie’s.

Mattie glanced back at Simon. “We’re good.”

“I won’t be long.”

Standing there, alone with Jamie and trying to make him giggle by giving voice-overs to the penguins, he felt like a whole new person compared to who he had been a year ago. This gorgeous little kid who barely spoke to anyone was letting him hold his hand. The man he loved and adored was thirty feet away buying a giant panda. Life was good.

Noise drew his attention to the small crowd walking toward them. He felt Jamie squeeze his hand as a group of schoolchildren, all in uniform and obviously enjoying a day trip to the zoo, approached the penguins with excited chatter.

“Shall we go find your dad?”

Jamie didn’t answer. Instead, he was humming to himself and mumbling a list of numbers as the noise around them grew and the kids jostled for the best position to see the penguins.

“Off we go,” Mattie spoke cheerily, gently pulling Jamie’s hand closer to him in an attempt to keep any of the children from bumping into him.

No such luck. He didn’t know which child had knocked Jamie into his side, and it didn’t matter, because the tears were as quick as they were noisy. Jamie was clearly torn between wanting to yank his hand away from Mattie and wanting to move closer to him to escape the crowd. Mattie glanced around them quickly and gritted his teeth, realizing that to leave the penguin enclosure would mean having to walk back through the gated entranceway that was now crowded with excited schoolkids.

Instinctively, he edged them both to the back of the crowd, away from the noise, and again glanced toward the busy exit, praying to see Simon with giant panda in hand. “It’s all right, Jamie. We’re just fine, little man.” He tried to soothe, rubbing his thumb over Jamie’s knuckles.

He glanced behind them and felt a rush of relief that was short lived. The enclosure, and the standing area around it, was surrounded by a low fence. He could easily step over this fence that didn’t quite reach up to his waist, but Jamie could not. He crouched in front of Jamie, who was squeezing his eyes shut.

“Jamie, we can go back to where your dad took that picture of us under the tree, remember that? There won’t be anyone else there, but I’m gonna have to pick you up for a second. Is that all right?”

There was no answer, only Jamie’s unhappy humming as small hands gripped at the edges of his blue cape, pulling it close around him. Mattie crouched, and instead of scooping him up, he loosely put one arm around him and more or less encouraged Jamie into his arms. As soon as he stood with Jamie in his arms, the frightened tears returned and Jamie began to squirm. He was over the fence and had Jamie back on his feet in two seconds flat. Any attempt to shush Jamie or take his hand to lead him toward a quieter area was pointless. He bit his lip, unsure, and then reached for his cell and called Simon.

“Hey, can you come back? We’re near where you took that picture. No… no, Jamie got frightened by some kids and needs you.” The phone immediately went dead, and Mattie slid his cell back into his pocket. Jamie was still tugging at his cape.

He seemed to remember Simon mentioning this to him a few months ago. Something about the pressure to Jamie’s nervous system calming him. Looking at Jamie now, it didn’t seem to be working. He slid off his jacket.

“Here, kiddo. You want my jacket?”

The jacket dwarfed him, but Mattie draped it over his small shoulders, not daring to pull it around him tight. Jamie seemed to calm a little, at least, and now only stood with his eyes closed, breathing heavily.