The Closer You Get (33 page)

“Could we watch a movie or something?” Cora asked. “I need something to keep me from thinking about him.”

“Poor thing,” Franny crooned while Adam dragged out his box of DVD’s.

“I’m not leaving.”
 

Rye didn’t appear to hear him. Cash leaned against the doorframe to Rye’s room, watching his brother searching the internet for jobs and apartments. He’d done the same thing every night that week, sitting at his desk, his knees bouncing with nervous energy. Eventually, he’d sip some whiskey, just enough to calm his mind and help him sleep. Cash’s heart ached for him.

“There’s a company hiring in Des Plaines not far from Chicago. Looks promising,” Rye said.
 

“Rye. I’m not going.”

Rye finally turned, squinting against the hallway light at Cash’s back. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I’ve got a good job here, Rye. I’ve made some friends. The town is quiet and close to home. Darcy’s is great, we’ve never found a hangout that good. So…I’m staying.”

Rye laughed. “You’d stay here after Adam broke up with you?”

“I broke up with Adam. And Jesus, you can’t go moving every time you break up with someone.”

“He betrayed you.”

“Yeah, he did. I’m pretty disappointed with him for that. But he’s only one person, Rye. I’m not going to let the sins of the few color my opinion of the entire human race.”

Rye turned back to his computer shaking his head. “I know it’s a pain in the ass to move, but it’ll be worth it. A big city will be perfect, you’ll see. Imagine the kind of nightlife we’re missing out on. And you especially. I’ll bet your prospects for a social life increase ten-fold in a city like Chicago.”

“You’re not listening to me, Rye. I’ve found home. It’s here. So I’m staying.”

Rye stared at his computer screen, but his hands were resting on the arms of his desk chair. “We stick together.”

“I’d love that. I want us to stick together. But I’m not going.”

“It’s not safe here—”

“It’s not safe anywhere. You think there aren’t thugs in Chicago?” Cash laughed sharply. “You know, that’s your problem. You’re a closet idealist. You have in your head that there’s somewhere that’s perfect, and that’s why you always get disappointed.”

Rye’s knuckles were turning white as he gripped the chair arms. Cash took it as a sign that he was on to something.

“It’s not a bad way to be, Rye. It’s good to hope for the best. But you gotta know that everyone has the potential to let you down and hurt you in the right circumstances. What happened in Henderson…that was extreme. It was terrifying. And it was rare. Just because we encounter people who look like Davis Acton doesn’t mean that they’ll be capable of the same extreme violence. I’m not afraid of that here. But I do understand that people are going to say and do hurtful things. I also understand that where there’s forgiveness, there’s a chance at strengthening those relationships. You can’t drop people the instant they hurt you. You gotta give them a chance, Rye.”

Rye breathed purposefully, keeping his breaths even and controlled. He swallowed. “What he did to you…” he trailed off, his voice husky.
 

“Davis will burn in hell for that, but we can’t keep living in fear.”

“Not him. Dad.”

Cash was shocked silent. It took him a moment to regroup. Cash had clung to Rye after their Dad disowned him. But after a year or so, Cash had just settled into a comfortable, domestic relationship with his brother. He’d absorbed the loss, grieved his father, and moved on. The brutal rape and beating by Davis and his friends had permanently altered Cash, scarring him, carving fear deep into his soul. For the past three years he’d been driven by that. But moving to Fidelity and falling in love with Adam, being betrayed by Adam…it had helped him realize his own strength.
 

Cash had simply assumed that Rye was driven by the same fear and weakness. Now he saw that Henderson had only confirmed for Rye what their father had taught him ten years ago…that people can’t be trusted. That when they betray you, the only way to respond is to leave.
 

With that revelation, Cash laughed.
 

Rye frowned, looking hurt. “What’s funny?”

“Nothing. I just get so caught up in myself I forget to think about you. I’m often surprised by how much I don’t know.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Dad betrayed you, too. You haven’t quite worked past that, have you?”

“I told him I forgave him.”

“But you’re still recovering from it.”

Rye shook his head. “You’re overthinking it. I saw what he did to you, and—”

“He did it to you, too. He fought you. Hit you. That’s a hell of a betrayal.”

Rye was quiet for a long time. “He’d never done anything like that. Mom and Dad, they were quiet people. Even when they got mad at us, they dealt with it quietly. When he started shouting at you, I just…I couldn’t believe it. I mean, I’d known the guy all my life, and suddenly he was this different person. Makes you wonder what kind of demons you got living in yourself. What kind of demons are living in the person next to you? You know?”

“I know. Really, Rye, I do. But I also know that’s no way to live. With that fear, I mean. You can’t let that fear be the thing that guides you.”

This time Rye didn’t say anything else. Cash waited for several minutes. Finally, he sighed. “I’m not going. I hope you’ll decide to stay, but I’m not going.”
 

He went to bed to focus on his own heartbreak.

R
YE
SAT
OUTSIDE
on his porch step Sunday morning, listening for the church singing. He heard the bells, but no singing. They must have been inside for services.
 

When he started dating Cora, he had visions of walking her to church every Sunday. The image was funny, considering how far from religious Rye had always considered himself. But he liked the idea of making a habit of going. That way when they had kids, they could take them to Sunday school regularly. Not that he wanted to force religion on his kids. He just wanted them to be raised with the option.
 

Besides, there’d been good things come of it. He thought about getting baptized and how ridiculous it must have looked to Cora. But taking that step, making the decision to change, had been the best move he’d made in years. Maybe ever. He liked the person he’d become while he was with Cora. He would certainly continue to be that person.

But Cash was wrong. They couldn’t do it here, could they? You couldn’t look beneath people’s masks, see their hate, and continue living among them.

Cash’s words came back to him:
I’m not going to let the sins of the few color my opinion of the entire human race.
 

Maybe there was something there. Maybe Cash was right on that point. He thought of Cora.
Haven’t I been real for you, Rye?
 

Her sweet voice and her sweet words made him ache all over, inside and out. What he couldn’t tell her, though, was how afraid he was of being disappointed by her. What if she did something someday to betray him? How could he possibly recover from something like that? Beth had nearly broken him. Cora would destroy him.

Fear. Rye didn’t like the word. Until Cash had accused him of it Friday night, he hadn’t considered how strongly it factored into his life. Maybe he was letting fear dictate his decision-making. Did that make him a coward?

Rye stalled out on that thought. A coward. He tried the word on for size. Rolled it around in his mind for a while.

A red sports car pulled into the parking lot. Rye frowned at it for a moment before registering who it belonged to. He stood, schooled his expression, and folded his arms over his chest.
 

Adam got out, polished as always, in slacks, a button-down, and a tie, his hair slicked back.

“Cash is still sleeping,” Rye said.

“I came to see you.”

Rye had no response, so he was caught with his mouth half-open.

“You think we could go somewhere? To talk?”
 

Rye’s mouth widened a little further. He glanced around, wondering if this was an ambush. “Uh…”

“Nice. Articulate as usual.”

“Hey, fuck you.”

Adam laughed. “Sorry. Just…come on, let’s walk down to the river.” He pushed a button on his key fob making his car chirp. He started walking toward the back of the apartment complex where there was nothing but trees and wilderness as far as Rye could see.

Rye followed just out of curiosity. “Where are you going?”

“There’s a short-cut to the river through here.”

Adam stepped over the curb that separated civilization from the wild and disappeared into the trees. Rye jogged to catch up, still halfway wondering if he was about to be ambushed. A few yards into the woods he caught up with Adam. They stepped out of the trees and onto a dirt trail. “See?” Adam said. “Follow this straight to the river. If I recall, you land on a nice gravel bar. Nobody who's not local knows about it, so it’s quiet. Good for fishing.”

Rye honestly didn’t know what to say. He fell into step next to Adam until the path descended, as promised, onto a broad, wide gravel bar. There was still a hint of fog hovering over the deep, green river. “I need to bring Cora here,” Rye said without thinking. Pain washed over him, almost like losing her all over again.

Adam sat on an overturned tree that crossed from the gravel bar into the river. Rye leaned against the tree next to it. “She likes it here. She’d probably go skinny dipping with you if you asked. She used to when we were little. Of course then she got breasts and stopped being fun.”

“That’s how you know you’re gay, I guess,” Rye said. “The breasts are supposed to make them more fun.”

Adam laughed. “Yeah, well, even then, I thought I was going to marry her. Even when I realized I was attracted to men, I thought Cora was my best bet for happiness. I had this vision of us growing old together, still doing all the same stuff. Playing pool, drinking beer, wading in the river.”

Rye frowned, studying Adam for the first time.
 

Adam was staring into the river. “It took Cash breaking up with me to wake me up. That’s why I hated you. You changed up my routine. You took my friend away from me and changed her. And you know…I do love her, so there was jealousy, there, too. It’s just, I couldn’t identify all of that. It didn’t make sense to me. So in my mind, I just made you out to be the villain. I just knew there must be something wrong with you, something bad.”

The silence was filled with the soft rush of water and the breeze blowing through the trees. “Why are you telling me this?” Rye asked.

“Because I’m sorry, Rye. I was wrong about you. I hurt you and Cora and Cash. Myself. I just allowed these irrational feelings of fear and jealousy to take over. I mean, it’s mob mentality, it’s the very kind of irrational behavior that leads to tragedies like what Cash went through. That’s the worst part of all of this. I was so absorbed with hating you that I forgot to offer comfort to my boyfriend. God only knows what kind of terror he’s been living with. When I found out what happened, I should have forgotten all about my own issues and given him my love and attention. So…I deserve to lose him. I deserve to lose Cora, too, but she’s fortunately always stuck by me.”

Adam shook his head, then lifted his eyes to Rye’s. “That’s it. That’s all I wanted to say. I’m sorry. Truly, deeply sorry.”

Rye blinked and looked away. “I’m sure Cash will forgive you. He’s got a good heart.”

“I’m asking you to forgive me. I’m asking you to give me another chance. To give Fidelity another chance. And Cora.”

Rye dropped his head back and laughed up at the sky. “This is the second unexpected apology in less than two weeks. My world is turned upside down.”

“What was the first?”
 

“My father.”

“Did you forgive him?”

With a sigh, Rye said, “I’m in the process. I have a hard time forgiving. It muddies up my world. I like it better when people are either bad or good.”

“Hmm. Yeah, that’s tough. I kind of get that. I tend to keep people at arm’s distance for the same reason. Don’t want to get screwed over. But you know, in a small town like this, you gotta open yourself up to a little heartache. The rewards are worth it. Well, you know that…you’ve had Cora, right?”

Rye grinned. “Yeah. I’ve had Cora.”

“She was worth the risk, wasn’t she?”

Rye swallowed. Nodded. “Yeah.”

“And if she ever hurts you, you’ll forgive her, won’t you?”

“Yeah,” Rye said, without hesitation. That was how he knew it was true. Because he answered without a moment’s doubt. “I’d forgive her just about anything.”

“That’s good to hear. I doubt you’ll ever have to, though. She’s a pretty good girl.”

“Yeah, I expect she is.” He finally sat next to Adam on the fallen tree. “Well, shit.”

Adam chuckled. “Is that forgiveness?”

“I guess. It’s kind of asshole not to forgive someone once they’ve apologized.”

“True.”

They sat quietly for a moment. Rye realized he suddenly felt quiet on the inside. Maybe he didn’t know what to think of it all. Or maybe he was just at peace. He blew out a breath. “So do you want me to talk to Cash for you?”

“You’d do that?”

“Sure. Maybe if I let him know you and I are cool, he’ll be okay with giving you a second chance.”

“You think I deserve a second chance?”

“I don’t think it’s about what you do or don’t deserve. It’s about what Cash is willing to forgive. And he’s more forgiving than I am.”

“I’m asking you, do you think I was good for him?”

Rye turned to study Adam, surprised by the sincerity and vulnerability in his voice. He was like a boy, just then, his eyes holding hope and fear all at once. Rye smiled. “Never seen him happier.”

Adam relaxed into a smile. “Really?”

Rye laughed. “Come on, I hate this kind of talk. He was happy with you. He’s brokenhearted now. Just fix it, okay?”

“I’ll try. I really want to try.”