The Catalyst (19 page)

Outside the rain rapped spasmodically against the door on the seaward side and it felt luxurious to be inside in the comfort of the warm, candlelit kitchen and, she even dared to admit to herself, it felt even better to be part of a loving relationship again. Caressing the cat’s whiskers she was musing on this unexpected turn in her life when Jimmy strode across the kitchen and opened the oven door taking out a large casserole and some baked potatoes.

‘Thank God for the Aga, eh? Electricity … who needs it,’ he said, enthusiastically ladling out generous portions of vegetable curry. This was Jimmy’s signature dish and the only thing he could cook without ruining and again she was aware that for some reason Jimmy was trying to make tonight special. Her nervousness returned and she tried not to think what could make him this excited, hoping it was just the hanging of the painting.

As usual Jimmy ate his food quickly, regaling her with his wry thoughts on life and how it worked, or didn’t work. He was always good company and Sunny found her unease fading in the laughter. The moment they had finished eating he picked up the bottle of wine and, insisting the dishes would be done overnight by the elves, he took her hand and led her through to the parlour. They had not used this room since the night she had posed for him, the first night they had made love.

Now, as then, the room was lit by candles and warmed by a large fire and they settled themselves down on the rug in front of it, building a wall of cushions around their backs to baffle the draughts that seemed to come from everywhere.

Lolling against the cushions, drinking wine and speaking only when they felt they needed to brought on a state of peaceful torpor which was further lengthened by long intervals of silent fire-gazing. Slowly, as she allowed the memories of the week’s activities at work to fade, Sunny found she could just let her mind drift. There was a growing recognition that what she was now experiencing might well be contentment.

Whatever it was she didn’t want it to end and with a spasm of happiness she snuggled further down against Jimmy. Despite the recent associations of this room, at this moment the possibility of sex never entered her head. Strangely this was also true of Jimmy, but for a different reason.

He lay back against the cushions, repeatedly dipping his outspread fingers through Sunny’s hair to feel its cool silkiness slipping between them, his mind far from the thoughts of the sex he had anticipated all day. Instead, unexpectedly, it was filled with the rather more disappointing emotion of fear. His dizzy dreams of making love in front of the fire and then asking Sunny to marry him had been so swallowed by his fear of rejection that he now felt totally emasculated by it and could only sit in silent confusion trying to reclaim the remnants of his courage.

Perhaps he should just forget about the marriage bit and just enjoy himself making love to her instead? For once there was no answering surge in his crotch and he felt puzzled, alarmed, even his body was rebelling against him now.

In the day’s imaginings he had expected this to be an intense and joyous moment. He had anticipated her shining reaction to his question, her gentle covetousness of the beautiful ring he had fortunately been able to pawn a painting for at the secondhand jewellers. Now, after all this preparation, here he was, mute.

Did he still want to marry her? He thought about it and knew he did. He wanted it more than anything else he had ever wanted in his life. He needed to make her his, to be sure of her. Then say something you sodding idiot, he silently berated himself.

‘Sun?’ he paused, wondering where to go next with this. He paused for so long she looked up at him. He wanted to come right out with it and ask her bluntly, but would that be the right way to do it? All of a sudden he wondered belatedly if he would somehow frighten her off. No matter he decided, she had to know what was in his mind. He would just have to deal with whatever situation arose.

‘What’s the matter, karadow?’ she whispered, now so aware of some conflict going on within him that she hardly realised she had called him ‘beloved’ in Cornish.

‘Sunny, I want you to marry me ... please … please say yes.’ His words came out in a rush of panic as he fumbled frantically under the cushions for the ring box, clumsy with anxiety.

Chapter 17

Jimmy opened the ring box with a triumphant flourish to show her his treasure, a large lozenge shaped aquamarine. He had found the sea, simply set in a shimmer of white gold. It was both unusual and exquisite and for a moment she was so mesmerised by its beauty she almost forgot the dismay she felt at his proposal.

It had taken her totally by surprise, marrying again had never occurred to her and despite that Jimmy Fisher was not what anyone could call traditional husband material. She stared at the ring and Jimmy stared at her. He felt scared. Had he really read panic in her face? Surely he had imagined it? Just at the moment he wasn’t quite sure of anything except that the pounding of his heart had reached some sort of pain threshold.

Sunny sat transfixed, feeling like a rabbit caught in headlights, trying to quell the sudden urge to get away from him. Suddenly blood was drumming deafeningly in her ears and she had a feeling her throat was closing as she struggled to control the old, familiar symptoms of feeling trapped. She was also very aware that Jimmy had suddenly changed from the smart-mouthed cynic to an unsure and vulnerable man and she desperately wanted to protect him from herself.

‘Jimmy ... I ... ’ she stumbled over the words, trying to clear her mind of the fog of panic, trying to think fast. He needed to know she had no intention of marrying again, but she knew she needed to put it to him the right way. He needed to see her refusal was not a rejection of him, only of what he offered.

But Jimmy had read enough in her face and, thinking he understood, he slipped his arm out from under her and now sat hunched up, hugging his knees, offering her only the curved hardness of his back. She knew her brief hesitation had already hurt his pride and guessed women rarely refused Jimmy Fisher anything. He just did not seem equipped to deal with any rebuff.

‘Jimmy, look … this is a beautiful ring ... it takes my breath away just to look at it and I’m very flattered you want to marry me … truly I am … ’ she paused, swallowing nervously, ‘but I really don’t think I can marry again.’

She knew she could tell him it was too early, they had not been together long enough, they did not know each other well enough but that did not feel true. If she said it was too soon after David’s death she knew he would wait and ask her again later. Now she found she really wanted him to understand how she felt about marriage, she needed him to know that for her marriage was no longer any sort of option.

It was the truth, her truth, and she owed him that much. It was best she explained now and get it over with and wondered where she would find the courage to do that. No matter, he had to know that for her marriage meant a loss of personal freedom, a subjugation of self to someone else’s way of life and she could not go back to that. She would not let herself recognise she was already close to living someone else’s way of life. She was given no time to explain herself.

‘Why the fuck not?’ His outburst was fierce as he scrambled to his feet. ‘I want you ... and I need you to be with me ... forever.’

She was not quick enough to suppress an involuntary shudder of foreboding at the word ‘forever’. It was a word she usually tried to avoid, it just seemed to invite bad luck. She too got to her feet, feeling she might just need to leave as he glared at her and she felt a slight frisson of fear as she met his eyes, black now with an anger he was no longer prepared to hide.

He was aware he was frightening her but did not seem to be able to help himself. How could she … how dare she ... thwart him on this? Didn’t she understand how important this was to him, what it had cost him to admit he needed her desperately enough to propose marriage? For fuck’s sake, he was asking her to marry him, why couldn’t the fucking woman just say yes like any normal fucking woman? What was the matter with her?

She watched him trying to run his fingers through the wild tangle of his hair before giving up in annoyance.

‘Don’t you realise I love you, you silly bloody woman!’ he shouted at her, the pent-up anxiety of the day releasing itself in abuse. The tension in the room was palpable but Sunny couldn’t help herself, she just had to laugh at his outburst.

‘Thank you, Jimmy … elegantly put ... so romantic,’ she said with amused sarcasm. A part of her knew it was foolish to laugh at him while his mood was so volatile. She knew she was playing with incendiary material but his abuse had now rendered the entire situation farcical to her and she hoped she could deflect his bad temper with humour. She needed him to be reasonable again so she could explain herself.

They stared at one another, Jimmy dark and threatening and Sunny trying to control her laughter but nervously resolute, wanting to be understood. There was no way he could know how she felt, no way she could force him to understand, she could only stand her ground and hope he would let her explain.

Eventually he managed to control his anger and, as if reluctantly acknowledging her right to a say in her own life, wearily wound an arm around her waist and drew her gently to him.

‘Oh, you are such a fucking madam, Ms. Smith,’ he murmured, resting his forehead against hers. ‘You always have to be different, haven’t you?’

‘I’m not trying to be different, Jimmy ... honestly, I’m not,’ she said, finding she was tearful now the danger seemed to have passed. ‘It’s just that I know I would not make you a good wife.’

She wanted to tell him that not only would she not make him a good wife but that marrying her might even bring him some sort of bad luck. After all she wasn’t completely convinced she hadn’t caused David’s death with her unspoken longing for freedom. She might just be some sort of Jonah in marriage bringing bad luck to any husband she had.

‘Can’t we just be lovers, Jimmy? Always?’ She threw in the sop of ‘always’; it was a fine distinction but somehow it seemed less definite than ‘forever’.

‘But I want you to belong to me ... I’ve never had anyone who belonged to me alone.’ He thought briefly of Jenny and swiftly amended it to, ‘There has never been anyone I’ve wanted ... loved ... enough to ask them to belong to me alone ... and I’ve always wanted to belong to someone myself.’

This last statement was an outright lie and because he knew it was, he hid his uncharacteristic shamefacedness against her hair. He was realising he would say anything, do anything, to get her to marry him but time after time he was coming up against an iron will that lay well hidden beneath her placid exterior. Perhaps if he appeared to give in now she might reconsider later, when they had been together for a while longer.

‘Will you promise me you’ll think about it, Sunny … please?’

He did not dare meet her eyes in case she read something in them that warned her off and made her leave right now. She thought about his words. She really needed to tell him she would never reconsider but it seemed just too hard-faced to keep on saying bluntly she could never marry him, never marry anyone. Perhaps there was some sort of compromise? Perhaps if they lived together it would be enough for him and he would cease to ask?

‘Well, what about if we have some sort of trial? If I move in with you and we could see how it goes? Why don’t we try that?’

Her suggestion was only to distract him from persistence but it worked better than she could have hoped and if he thought she was relenting he would soon find out how wrong he was.

‘Yes! Let’s do that ... we’ll go and get all your stuff tomorrow!’ He held her away from him to read her face and she threw her head back and laughed at the boyish excitement in his face. It was also a laugh of relief.

If Jimmy was aware he was being fobbed off he hid it well enough and the night passed in the renewed frenzy of the lovemaking he had envisaged all day. Outside the storm increased its furious rampage around the farm but the sound of the gale only added a feeling of comfort and security to their physical caresses.

The next morning it was a particularly violent gust of wind that woke Sunny. It severely worried the roof timbers, making them creak and she listened for the crash of a tile on the yard below. Thankfully it didn't come. Propping herself up on one elbow she looked out at the sea and it told her everything she needed to know. From the safety and warmth of the bed she could see the energy of the waves and the muddled confusion of their foaming edges.

The sky mirrored the sea in its greyness and the rain seemed to have set in for evermore. She decided that getting her things from the cottage would have to wait until the bad weather had passed, this was not a day to be leaving the farmhouse.

Her body ached with the excessive use made of it the night before and she anticipated a lazy day reading in front the fire with nothing to do but cook a meal at some point. Jimmy snored gently beside her and she snuggled closer to him, not surprised he didn’t wake.

His sexual stamina continually impressed her, after all they were neither of them at an age when vigorous, unlimited sex was de rigueur, or even expected. She could not help thinking again about the passion of the night before but also could not escape the thought that such an intensely physical love must surely be finite. And what then? Would he just discard her?

His offer of marriage had not convinced her of his undying love even if she had been willing to take him up on it. Marriage could never guarantee fidelity or happiness, could never be anything other than some sort of social construct, could it? How could it be otherwise when dealing with human nature? Perhaps she was just being cynical, or was she was just being brutally honest?

Even though she felt no rancour at the thought that monogamous human relationships might be impossible to maintain for many people, she still gave thanks she had never been on the receiving end of faithlessness but what if that all changed now? What if Jimmy...?

She turned onto her side abruptly, away from him, using the physical movement to turn her back on such thoughts. She would just enjoy whatever came her way and deal with what came afterwards only when ... or if ... she needed to deal with it. Anyway she really didn’t have the energy to think about that just now.

Jenny’s day had started early. Despite the heavy rain darkening the day, she had woken up with an almost insane feeling of utter joyfulness. She was going home today, home to Jimmy, back to the farm. She felt now she should never have left. What had she been thinking? How could she ever have let anything come between herself and Jimmy, especially something as superficial as one of Jimmy’s cheap conquests?

She felt no pain now at the memory of why and how she had left the farm and her eagerness to return to Jimmy made her unable to be honest with herself about the true reason for her recovered equilibrium. She did not feel able to consider Jasper at all this morning as she gathered up her things and he sat at the kitchen table watching her preparations with a feeling of heavy-hearted foreboding.

Her excitement was beginning to irk him and he allowed himself a few, brief feelings of self-pity before shaking them off and helping her put her few belongings into her car. He wondered why he should feel so hurt by her desperation to return to Jimmy and tried to persuade himself that returning to the man she loved was in her best interests.

Only something told him it wasn’t, it just couldn’t be. He knew, with the certainty borne of being male, that Jimmy did not love her, probably never had and most likely never would now. The knowledge made him weary to his very bones but he strove to put these depressing feelings on one side.

‘I’ll ring you when I’m settled in, shall I? Later today maybe,’ she said cheerfully, giving him a swift hug before dashing through the blustery rain to her car. He was too slow to hold onto her and keep her with him but there was nothing more to be said. He had to let her go.

He ruffled his hair in frustration, willing himself to keep silent. Something told him this wasn’t the end of it, there would be more pieces to pick up. He stood and watched as her battered old VW Beetle wound its way between the potholes of the farm track and halted at the main road.

‘Must tell her the right brake light is out,’ he thought inconsequentially as the car turned and disappeared. His body felt like lead as he turned and stumped back into the farmhouse.

When Jimmy awoke he found he was looking straight into Sunny’s green eyes as they stared into his. They crinkled at the corners as she smiled at him. He licked her on the nose and she giggled, snuggling even tighter against him.

‘I miss you when you’re asleep,’ she said.

‘Then I’ll never sleep again...’ he answered with sober-faced idiocy, wondering if he could get away with a few morning moves. He smiled to himself at the pictures in his head and put an exploratory hand on her left breast. She quivered and her responsiveness excited him. He pushed his growing hardness against her.

‘Right, time for a cup of tea, I think,’ she said, trying to extricate herself from his grasp. It was a game they played. She would tease him and then back off. So far she had never been able to get away from him.

‘Not so fast, me beauty,’ he said in his best piratical voice, tightening his grip and winding his legs around her. Her own puny strength was useless against him as she wriggled to free herself and she started to laugh helplessly as they became entangled in the sheets. Soon they were both laughing too hard to even locate the relevant bits of themselves in the now tightly wound bedding.