The Case of the Exploding Brains (8 page)

Then he slams the car door and accelerates away.

PC Eric stoops to pick up our juice-carton-periscope. “Ingenious. So you saw the security footage?”

Porter and Holly say nothing.

I nod and wait to be told off.

“Good,” PC Eric congratulates me instead. “What did you think?”

“I think I’d like to see it again,” I tell him. “Ideally not through a juice carton.”

I’d also like to listen to Smokin’ Joe’s turquoise iPod, which is still in my pocket. (That’s not stealing, by the way. It’s borrowing. Sort of.)

PC Eric nods. “I’d like to see the footage again too. That shouldn’t be a problem. My colleague left in such a hurry he forgot to take it with him.”

“Perhaps we could watch it at our house?” I suggest. The crashes we can hear coming from the Slaters’ living room suggest Ma Slater is frying-panning everything within
reach.

“I’ll have to retrieve it from Tracy Slater.” PC Eric doesn’t look keen. “You three might want to wait out here. I’m going inside and may be some
time.”

PC Eric emerges from the Slaters’ house waving the USB drive like a knight flourishing the (very small) head of a conquered dragon.

Holly and I cheer, but not too loudly. We haven’t forgotten the Frying Pan of Pain.

As we cross the road, I notice Porter lagging behind. “You coming to watch?”

“Nah.” He takes another step backwards. “Stuff to do. Catch you later.”

“Stuff to do?” Holly folds her arms. “Since when do you have stuff to do?”

“Since now,” Porter says, shuffling off into the distance.

“That’s the third time he’s vanished in as many days,” Holly says. “I’m starting to think Porter Grimm is his mild-mannered alter-ego and he’s leading a
secret double life.”

I rub my arms, which have suddenly gone cold. “Both his identities could be good though, right?”

Holly clears her throat but says nothing. She’s been weird with Porter ever since Gift Shop Girl.

I decide to pretend she’s joking, because I don’t like the alternative. “What’s Porter’s secret identity then? News Re-Porter? Space Porter-l?”

“Arsenal Su-Porter?” Holly adds with a reluctant grin.

“Isn’t he a portaloo spotter?” PC Eric asks, and it takes me a minute to realise he’s not playing the secret identity game. “Maybe that’s what he’s
doing when he disappears.”

I shake my head as I push open our front door. “Porter always comes back from portaloo spotting trips with a load of film for us to watch. He hasn’t made us look at anything
recently. Thank
Fermat.
”

Mum looks up as we enter the living room and blinks in confusion when she spots PC Eric.

“Hello, Mrs Hawkins,” he says softly, holding out his hand.

She uses it to lever herself off the sofa. “Cup of tea?”

Holly and I stop mid-stride. I try to remember the last time Mum got up to greet a visitor. It was months ago – before Ms Grimm zapped her with the negative brain ray and transformed her
into a sofa-sloth. The doctors say the stupidifying effects should have worn off by now, but Mum still prefers to view life from the couch. She doesn’t even get up for her old friend the
milkman any more, because ‘Dad wouldn’t like it’. Although she’s happy enough for us to let the milkman in when a light bulb needs changing or something needs fixing.

But Mum is on her feet now, trudging through to the kitchen. She returns with a chipped mug, which she hands to PC Eric before sinking back on to the sofa with a sigh.

I set up the security footage while PC Eric sips at his tea unenthusiastically. After a minute, he reaches into his cup and pulls out two teabags, a pencil sharpener and a cocktail umbrella.

“Sorry,” Holly mutters, “Mum’s not fully recovered from the negative brain ray.”

“No problem.” PC Eric twiddles his cocktail umbrella. “The tea was a nice thought and the pencil sharpenings added an interesting texture. It’s good to see your mum
again. She was on my mind while I was listening to Joe Slater earlier. What do you think of his behaviour recently?”

This is why I love PC Eric. He makes connections.

“You think Joe’s being brainwashed like Mum was?” I’m tempted to tell him I might have the proof in my pocket, but I want to hear whose voice is on the iPod before I
share it. “Let’s watch the film footage again. It might give us a clue.”

PC Eric puts the film on. I lean closer to the TV at the part where Smokin’ Joe pulls the hairspray out of his backpack. I have that same feeling there’s something’s missing
from the shot, but I still can’t figure out what it is. It’s like a grey blanket has been thrown over my memory.

I ask PC Eric to run the footage in slow motion. I can’t suppress a smug smile when it reveals I was right when I said Joe couldn’t have taken the Space Rock.

“See?” I challenge Holly.

“Didn’t doubt you for a minute,” she replies. “But look at Smokin’ Joe! What’s wrong with him?”

On-Screen Joe is acting weirdly, even by his own standards. Something is bothering him and he keeps lifting his hand to his earphones.

I need to listen to that iPod.

I pat my pocket to make sure the iPod is still inside and announce, “I’m just nipping to the loo.”

I perch on the toilet seat and press ‘play’.

“You will tell everyone you are responsible for the theft.”

I know that voice.

The rush of relief is stronger than I expected. It’s not Dad! I can give the iPod to PC Eric now. Well, maybe not
right now
. Maybe I could listen to the rest of it first? The
brain ray can’t be on ‘zap’ mode because my head feels fine. I turn Remarkable Student Alexander back on:

“‘I did it’. That’s all you have to say. ‘I did it! I can’t remember what happened, but I know I did it.’ Say it after me: ‘I did it! I did
it!’ That’s all you have to do to receive fifty pounds and a date with Holly Hawkins . . .”

I splutter. Smokin’ Joe’s prize is a date with my sister? “Holly! Come here! You have to hear this.”

“I don’t want to hear anything you’re doing in the toilet, thank you very much.”

“Urgh. No. I meant you should hear this iPod.” I race back to the living room. “You too, PC Eric.”

PC Eric looks up. “First I have a couple of questions about one of the young men in your group – Alexander West.”

I hold out the iPod. “Then you definitely want to listen to this.”

“That’s Smokin’ Joe’s iPod!” Holly hisses. She subtly waggles her head towards PC Eric before adding, “I’m sure you haven’t been listening to it,
because that would be illegal or something.”

PC Eric puts up a hand to stop me replying. “Perhaps you found it on the ground and, not being sure who it belonged to, you listened to it briefly before handing it to a passing
policeman?”

I nod, embracing my inner big fat liar, and hand the machine to PC Eric. “Remarkable Student Alexander is responsible for the Space Rock’s disappearance. This proves it.”

PC Eric strokes his chin. “I had my suspicions after reading your witness statement, but the CCTV footage, fuzzy as it is, suggests he’s innocent.”

“Put the film footage on again,” I say. “Maybe I’ll spot something.”

But PC Eric’s right. Even though the images are blurred after Smokin’ Joe’s hairspray attack, it’s clear Remarkable Student Alexander is too far away to have taken the
Space Rock. However, when we freeze the frame, he seems to be deliberately blocking the camera. When he moves, the Rock is gone.

“He’s involved,” I insist. “I know he is.”

PC Eric shrugs. “Perhaps. But we have no real evidence to prove it.”

“Yes we do.” I plug Smokin’ Joe’s iPod into the speaker. Holly and PC Eric listen quietly until we get to the bit about Smokin’ Joe’s reward.

“A date with me?” Holly retches. “Over my dead body!”

PC Eric keeps replaying the iPod message. Holly gags each time it reaches the end, which gets annoying pretty quickly.

After the fifth re-play, PC Eric says, “Notice anything about the boy’s voice?”

I ignore Holly’s fake-puking and focus on Alexander’s words. “He’s reading!” I realise. “Is that what you mean?”

PC Eric beams. “Clever girl!”

“And you think he wasn’t the one who wrote the words?”

PC Eric gives me a proud nod. “Even cleverer girl!”

So who did write them?

“Are there lots of people who might want to steal a Space Rock?” I ask, keen to clear Dad’s name for this crime – in my own head at least.

“I suppose so. Moon Rocks are worth a lot of money. But they’re hard to sell. And now we know the dangers I don’t understand why anyone would still want to keep this
one.” PC Eric gives me a policeman look – jaw set, chin high, no blinking. “Do you have a reason for asking?”

“No. Just curious.”

I love PC Eric but there are some suspicions I want to keep to myself for now.

“What about the dodgy camera?” Holly asks PC Eric. “We heard a security camera blacked out in ‘Investigating Alien Worlds’. Do you have any
footage of what was happening before it went blank?”

“Only on the computer we set up back at the station for the officer from the London Metropolitan Police. I can’t get you access to that.”

“Don’t worry, PC Eric.” Holly jumps to her feet. “I have a plan.”

PC Eric didn’t look worried before. But he does now. Especially when Holly grabs him and bundles him into a taxi, ordering the cabbie to take us to “Butt’s Hill Police Station,
please.”

“Are you expecting me to give you a guided tour?” he asks as we clamber out of the taxi and enter the police station

“Won’t be necessary.” Holly pushes past PC Eric and launches herself at the desk sergeant. “I need to see my darling boyfriend,” she announces. “And I need to
see him
now
!”

My mouth drops open. What
darling boyfriend
?

“My little Joey was dragged to this police station against his wishes,” Holly stamps her foot. “That’s kidnapping. I want to make a complaint against that nasty police
officer from London.”

The desk sergeant gives an involuntary nod at ‘nasty police officer’, leading me to conclude Aggressive Policeman is not popular here either. No wonder, if he treats everyone the way
he treats PC Eric.

A plan begins to form.

“Shh, Holly,” I stage-whisper, loud enough for the desk sergeant to hear. “We annoyed the London policeman so much we’ll never be allowed near him again. They won’t
want us to upset him.”

The desk sergeant strokes his chin.

PC Eric’s lips twitch. “You have a point there, NOELLE HAWKINS.” He booms my name in what I assume is an unflattering attempt to remind the desk sergeant of my reputation as
annoyer-of-policemen. “I don’t suppose I’ll be able to give you that station tour after all.”

The desk sergeant bites his lip. “Well, Eric, if you promised the girls—”

We charge into the main police station before he has a chance to finish his sentence.

“Oi! Police people! Where’s my boyfriend?” Holly tosses her hair like the girl in the museum gift shop and skips through the cubicles calling, “Joey? Schnookums? Where
are you?”

PC Eric subtly nudges us forward and to the right, until we reach the desk where Aggressive Policeman and Smokin’ Joe are sitting, scowling at each other. Behind them is a computer screen
showing footage of the Science Museum.

Holly launches herself at Smokin’ Joe and wraps her arms around his neck.

“Ooof,” Smokin’ Joe splutters and then breaks into a grin that makes his head look like an over-carved Halloween pumpkin.

Holly narrows her eyes at me over Smokin’ Joe’s shoulder.

“What?” Oh, yes, I’m supposed to be finding the security footage from before the camera cut out. But how? Aggressive Policeman is right next to the computer. I may be good with
technology, but I’m not invisible. I try to signal to Holly, but she’s too busy smacking Smokin’ Joe’s hands to notice.

“Ahem!” I cough. “Maybe you want to take all the love stuff
outside
!”

Holly gets the message and rises to her feet, pulling Smokin’ Joe by the hand. He follows willingly.

“Hey!” Aggressive Policeman strides after them. “No one said you could leave.”

“You can’t keep my little Joey here without his mummy.” Holly snuggles up to all ten tonnes of ‘little Joey’ with only a tiny shudder. “I think I saw Ma
Slater outside, with her frying pan. We should send someone to fetch her for you.”

Aggressive Policeman makes a choking noise in his throat. “Do not let that woman in,” he orders the local police. “Block the entrance. And someone sit that boy back
down.”

No one moves to help. Aggressive Policeman lunges for Smokin’ Joe, grabbing him by the waist. Joe, in turn, clutches at Holly, creating a weird sort of Holly/Joe/Aggressive Policeman
conga.