The Calendar of New Beginnings (31 page)

All he wanted was to touch her skin, and so he tugged her blue shirt over her head and then freed himself of his own. He brought her against his chest, loving the feel of her lacy turquoise bra rubbing against his skin, teasing him with the soft, enticing flesh they encased.

She pulled back, panting. “Are we really doing this?”

Her bold question doused some of his fire. “I got a little carried away. I want you like crazy.” Feeling it felt great. Saying it made him a little uncomfortable. “But it’s a big step. I don’t want our first time to be an unplanned tumble.”

With each happy moment with Lucy, he felt like his memories with Kim receded further into his subconscious—that same subconscious that had caused him to kiss Lucy in the first place. It was all so confusing.

“You’re thinking again,” Lucy said, letting him go and sitting cross-legged on the bed. She pulled her shirt on and handed him his.

He looked at it and shook his head, struggling to swallow his messy emotions.

After he put on the shirt, she took his hand. “It’s okay. We both got carried away. When you brought me back here, I thought…”

“I wasn’t thinking,” he said, pressing a hand to his forehead. “And I should have. You deserve better than that. I’m sorry.”

“Stop!” she said, rising on her knees and facing him. “There’s nothing to be sorry about. We want each other. Bodies are always ahead of brains.”

He snorted. “That just about sums it up, but we’re not ruled by our bodies. Lucy, do you want to make love with me? After today, you might be…” He broke off, unable to finish the thought. They were getting into dangerous territory here.
 

“Oh,” she said, sitting back on her heels. “You think I’m going to pack my bags and head off because I had one good day of shooting photos? Pfft.”

“Pfft?”
he repeated. “What kind of answer is that?”

She scooted closer, making the bed squeak. “Andy, I’m happy because my first photo shoot wasn’t a complete disaster, and even though I still think they’re weird, I managed to use a camera with an EVF with your sister watching my every move. I might not have selected the best image yet, but that’s pretty much a miracle. But if you think I’m comfortable using it, you’re crazy. Besides, it’s not like I could use it overseas. Well, I could, but it’s louder than my babies, and I can’t imagine trying to use it in a battle or a street protest. For a controlled studio setting, it’s fine, but… You look lost.”

“I am,” he said honestly. “You lost me with EVF.”

She explained that and a whole lot more, and he nodded because he understood most of it. Then she launched into a description of various camera models, making his eyes cross.

“Are you still listening, or have you zoned out?” she abruptly asked.

He tugged on his ear. “I hear words, but it’s like you’re speaking camera Klingon.”

“Funny,” she said, crossing her arms tight over her chest. “So, back to the whole sex thing. I want to do it finally. I think. Wait a minute. Yep, I’m pretty sure.”

He found himself smiling despite himself. “Well, that’s a ringing endorsement if I’ve ever heard one.”

She moved like quicksilver, pushing him onto his back and crawling on top of him. “Is this better?
I want you. Only you. All of you.”

While her throaty voice suggested she was putting him on, he found it terribly arousing. “Are we back to joking about this? Lucy, we need to be serious. Consider the implications. Heck, we haven’t talked about sex histories and birth control yet.” He’d waited to bring it up, wanting to allow things to deepen between them.
 

She blinked, and he knew he had her attention.
 

“I can get a blood test if you need it,” he said, “but I can assure you I’m clean.”

“I can show you my last TB test,” she said, shoving his shoulder playfully. “Andy, you’re taking all the fun out of this.”

“And you’re trying to make it too simple,” he said, cupping her chin. “I still don’t know how you figured it out when I lost my virginity freshman year of college, but I think you know…oh, shit…I’ve never been a player.”

“I know,” she said, all serious now. “I’m not making fun of you. I’m only trying to get us through this awkward conversation.”

He studied her. There was extra color on her cheeks, he realized. “You’re embarrassed? Funny, I didn’t expect that.”

She shoved him. Harder this time. “Why not? It’s not like I’m promiscuous. Did you think I was?”

He ran his tongue over his cheek. “No. Other than our talk a couple of weeks ago, you’ve never really discussed guys with me.”

“It’s not like you wanted to talk about girls with me either. I only figured out you’d lost your virginity because I know you so well.”

“And you poked at me pretty bad that day,” he said, remembering how angsty he’d felt after ending their phone conversation. “Part of me had hoped you might be a little jealous. It’s hard for me to say that.”

She was silent for a long moment. “I was. It’s hard for me to admit that.”

There was a tug in his heart. “There’s a part of me that feels rather vindicated right now.”

“Good,” she said dryly. “So let’s finish up the stroll down sex lane. I lost mine not long after you lost yours, to an English major who loved photography. His name was Hugh, and he was okay, I suppose. He wrote me a poem, which was kinda sweet.”

Hearing her talk about her past was making his diaphragm tight. “Was it a good poem?” he asked, pitching his tone to give it a double meaning.
 

“It was terrible,” she said, shaking her head. “There were a few other guys in college. Interesting ones. I like interesting. And then I went overseas and there were a few more—like the agriculturalist I told you about—but I had to be more careful. The communities I worked in didn’t respect women who slept with men who weren’t their husbands. I…wanted to maintain my reputation and honor their feelings. But there were certain ways to engage in a romantic relationship without major consequences.”

As he listened, he realized there was so much about her time overseas that he didn’t know about.

“Some of my female colleagues recommended going on the Pill in case I got raped,” she continued, distant now as she remembered. “Some also suggested I wear a wedding ring and pretend I was married so I would get hassled less, but I couldn’t do that either.”

“Good Lord, Lucy,” he said, sitting back in shock. “I had no idea you had to deal with things like that. No woman should.”

“It was part of the life I’d chosen,” she said matter-of-factly. “I never had unprotected sex with anyone. Even if they said they were clean. There are too many expats who have sex with locals. It’s not like I suspected my boyfriends would cheat on me, but I didn’t want to risk getting AIDS either.”

Right. AIDS. The disease that especially plagued some of the African countries where she’d worked. “Can you come here?”

Her eyes came back to him. “What?”

“I need to hold you for a minute,” he said, his chest feeling tight with the realization of all the danger she’d been in.

She rested her head on his shoulder when he wrapped his arms around her. “It’s fine. But I didn’t love them. I cared…in my own way, and there was always kindness and respect.”

But they would have more than that. “You know I love you, right? That being with me isn’t going to be that simple.” Not after Kim, who had shown him how beautiful sex could be.

“You never were one to settle for half measures,” she said softly, tracing his chest.

“Neither are you,” he answered, sweeping his hand up and down her back in a soothing motion.

“I can’t promise what the future will hold, Andy. I’m just not sure yet. If that bothers you, maybe we shouldn’t have sex. I…dammit, I don’t want to hurt you.”

She didn’t include herself, but he knew she could be hurt too, and that it worried her. “I want to make love with you, and…I’d rather do it without any barriers between us. Would you be willing to go on the Pill? That is, if you’re not already.”

Silence hung heavy in the air.

“I’m not right now,” she said, trying to inject a trace of humor in her voice, but it fell flat. “I have heard it’s nicer that way. But it will take a month to become fully effective, as you know.”

“We can use condoms until then,” he said, setting her back from him so he could look into her eyes. “And it is better without them. But it’s going to be magical either way, Lucy. That I can promise you.”

She cocked her eyebrow. “How can you tell? Do you have some magic sex crystal ball?”

Refusing to be baited, he brought her hand to his heart. If he had to be the one to put it out there, he would. “I love you. I want you. Making love with you couldn’t be anything but magical.”

This time an anguished breath crested out, telling him she couldn’t hold back the emotion rising inside her. “I love you too. I’m just…a little scared. Don’t laugh.”

His heart rolled over. “I know. Lucy, trust me. It’s going to be okay. And it’s not going to keep you from making your own decisions about the future or taking the photos you love.” He loved her too much not to say it, especially after seeing the joy she’d felt after today’s photo shoot.

“I don’t mean to hurt you,” she said, wrapping her arms around him. “My career is who I am.”

He wasn’t sure of that anymore. She’d always been Lucy to him, not some famous photographer. But she wasn’t ready to hear that yet.

“I want you to be who you are,” he said, kissing her softly on the lips. “You’re the one I love. You’re the one I want. Even if I am afraid of what will happen between us if you leave.”

She startled against his mouth, and he could hear her wondering whether he was talking about the long-term again, and perhaps he was. They were so good together, and she got along so well with Danny. And while he wasn’t sure where things were going, he was close to being sure about where he wanted them to go. Real close.

“Blake has a cabin in Vail,” Andy said, forging ahead as she sat back. “I thought it might be nice for us to get away for the weekend. I want our first time to be special, and this way, I can wake up with you and give you my full attention all weekend. I’ve never spent two nights apart from Danny since Kim died, and I think it’s time.”

While she was trying to disguise the exaggerated cadence of her breath, it was unmistakable. “Are you sure you’re okay with leaving him like that? I know it’s a big step for you.”

It was a big step, but he’d realized it was the healthy thing to do. “It’s not like he won’t have a blast with his aunts and uncles or my mother. Since Kim died, I might have gotten overly…ah…attentive to him. It was a lot of pressure at first, worrying about being a father and mother to him. But he’s fine, and I need to have my own life outside of being a father and a doctor. I’m more than that.”

She looked down suddenly.

“I wasn’t talking about you,” he said, but he felt like he might have been. A little.

“All right,” she said with a no-nonsense nod. “I’ll make a doctor’s appointment this week and get tested and…go on the Pill. Will you…ah…buy the condoms?”

He nodded. His relief was tremendous. If she was taking this step, she was still committed to exploring this blossoming thing between them. “If you know you have a clean bill of health, you don’t have to worry about the tests.”

“It’s important to you,” she said evenly, “and it’s easy enough to do when I go in.”

Silence hovered between them.

“So…we’re really doing this finally,” she said. “Lucy O’Brien is going to get it on with Andy Hale.”

Her teasing was starting to annoy him, but he told himself to be patient. She was still scared of what was happening between them, and if he were being honest, so was he.

He made his mouth curve. “Seems so,” he said.

Chapter 22
      

Blake’s cabin in Vail, which showcased stunning vistas of the mountains and the changing leaves of fall, was the warmest, most welcoming cocoon of a place Lucy had ever been in. Western blankets decorated with buffalos and Native American designs were slung over the arms of comfy leather couches. Everywhere there was shining honey-colored wood. Lucy plopped down on the couch cushions as Andy hauled in the luggage, something he’d insisted on doing without her help. It wasn’t like she had much more than a duffle, so she’d let him make the gesture. As a world traveler, she’d always packed light.

The high ceilings caught her eye, and she stared up at the light pouring in from the windows. In the past week, she’d had two doctor appointments. One with Dr. Davidson, who said the increased clarity of her vision in her right eye was encouraging. Of course, her color vision had not improved, which still worried her, but there was nothing either of them could do about that.
 

The second appointment had addressed the change she and Andy were about to make to their relationship. She hadn’t been with many men, but most of her interactions had been spontaneous. Some had been fun while others had generated from loneliness or despair.
 

She might joke about them doing the horizontal mambo, but it was mostly a show of bravado. Deep down she was afraid having sex with Andy would only strengthen their bond. Worse, she feared it would tie her to him and Dare Valley, preventing her from making a logical decision about leaving if and when the time came.