The Broken Girl (Lonely Girl Book 2) (7 page)

“Oh, I said it…” She nods and pulls away to the door but I don’t stop her this time.  She didn’t deserve that. I don’t know why I’d even think of Sarah if I had her touching me.

“You said it after. You were drunk but it was my first time, and my only time. Goodbye, Keegan.”

This girl was a virgin and I took that from her and called her my ex’s name. Now I can’t even remember her. She walked in on me with that same ex.
What a Jackass.
I’m so stunned that I don’t even get to say bye. I just watch her walk out and leave me behind.
You just lost the best thing you’ve ever had.
One thing is for certain. I’m an asshole and I don’t deserve her but that doesn’t means I will let her go.

I’m a real selfish bastard.

Becca

What was that, Becca?
I never expected it to be that way when I went in to see Keegan. The look in his eyes…he is so lost and so unlike the Keegan I know. I didn’t see the Keegan I’d known in that room. Who I did see made my heart tighten in a way I rarely had happen with him before. I walk down the hall to the little visiting area they have. It’s like a sunroom with some plants and a fish tank. It’s the closest I can get to nature and I’m craving it. I don’t hear anyone come in, so when I hear a voice say my name, I’m startled.

“Becca…” I turn to see Drake staring at me. “I’m just getting ready to take Keegan home but I wanted to stop in and see if you needed anything. I know this has got to be hard on you, Becca. Everything that you went through with Michael was worse and now this. But you got through that and you can get through this.”

“At least Michael died. I didn’t have to watch him walk around with just me having the memories of us. Only the memories are dead. Keegan is here, thank God, but it seemed easier because I didn’t have to see Michael not know who I was. Not remember that he loved me. Michael was just gone… Keegan, well I have to watch him be with someone else. To him, he knows nothing else; to me, it seems like in a blink of an eye I lost him. The difference is he’s still here plaguing me and reminding of everything I’ve lost. It was easier with Michael… God, Drake, what’s wrong with me that I feel this way?” I can’t look at him; I can’t believe I just said all that. Worse part is I meant and felt every word of it.

“Becca,
he’s just as lost as you are. He might not remember you, but he knows something is missing. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t have just begged my ass to bring you around when the team and everyone gets together.”

I bring my hand up to my lips, which not long ago had Keegan’s lips pressed against them. “I’m going to take him home. I will be back… but um… Jake is asking where you are.” I begin to panic that Jake will know something is wrong or that I’m still having love for Keegan.

“Becca… I saw that he kissed you. It doesn’t make you weak or a bad person for it. Just don’t lie about it. Get in front of it. You are allowed to be confused.” He gives me a tight hug, kissing the top of my head and leaving me here in the sunroom. The tears I’d been holding in since walking into that room with Keegan begin to pour out.

How much more can I take?
I wish I knew because then I’d at least see an end to my pain. I hope Keegan remembers, not so that we can be together, because I really don’t know how I feel anymore. But even if he never remembers me, this new guy he seems to be grabbed a bit of my heart too.

I wait twenty minutes before I go back to Jake’s room, hoping he will not be able to tell I’ve been crying. “Becca, I thought you left.” I shake my head, unsure if I trust myself to talk. “Becca, what happened? You were with Keegan, weren’t you? Drake said he’s getting to go home today?”

Home? That’s not his home.
“What I’m about to say… Jake, you have to respond to this as my friend and if you can’t, it just proves that we can’t just be friends.” I feel him tense but he says nothing. “Keegan kissed me.” I hear him gasp but don’t look at him. Instead, I’m staring at the floral picture that is hanging from the wall in Jake’s hospital room.

“Becca… look at me, okay?” I reluctantly pull my eyes from the picture to Jake’s eyes. I expect to see anger or sadness but I’m met with his understanding eyes.

“I know this is hard, not just for you, but for Keegan. This whole thing is fucked up and there’s no way around it. We just have to be honest so that we all make it through this in one piece. I know that none of what you are feeling means that you don’t love me, Becca.” I nod because I don’t think I could open my mouth without sobs escaping. Jake knows me so well. How will I ever make this unbelievable choice? “We haven’t really talked about this, but… I heard you, Becca. That night you said you loved me and that you were in love with me. That you didn’t want me to leave you alone, and that you needed me. Dammit, Becca, don’t you see? I loved you before you even said one word to me. I saw this lonely girl sitting there at the lake, lost and alone, but I saw something in her. Hope, a new beginning, one that I wanted to be a part of. I was just scared once we had this amazing friendship that I’d ruin it if you didn’t feel the same way. I could never leave you alone, Becca; you’re my ending, and no one else. I need you more than you will ever need me.”

I want to pull away because my heart can’t take anymore now that it’s torn in three. The love I have for my Keegan, Jake, and the new Keegan that has crept up on me. Jake just looks at me, waiting for an answer,
I can’t give him one I don’t know myself. “Becca, I know you love him, but you love me too. Right now isn’t our time, but it will be soon. Keegan will either remember or he won’t but he will still need his friends. He’s going home today and he’s going to need all the help he can get.” I was feeling warm and fuzzy until that moment. Something in me snapped and I couldn’t hold back my anger.

“Ugh! Why does everyone keep saying that? It’s not his home, it’s a new place that he is all alone in when he should have been with my brother… or better yet, he shouldn’t have even met me. I never should have come to Lakehead.” I immediately regretted lashing out at Jake but I couldn’t help it. I look back to Jake and I see he’s struggling to hold back tears. “Jake, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.” He shakes his head and I look away from this raw emotion I’m seeing from him. “Becca, it’s not because you got upset. I understand your anger. Just… never say that again. Don’t ever say you shouldn’t have come here because that’s what hurts. Thinking that I won’t have you in my life. That’s a life I’m not interested in being a part of. I will always choose you, Becca.”
The emotions that I feel from his words cause my heart to go into a frenzy. I can barely catch my breath and I feel like I’m being suffocated. It’s too much, too fast. I barely feel like me anymore and to hear him say all this just makes that more apparent. “Jacob, I love you, but my life is just so thoroughly screwed up right now. I just… I need some air. I will be back in a few hours, okay? I promise. I’m not trying to run out on you, so don’t feel that way… I need to go and draw or something. Reconnect-to-Becca kind of deal.”
He nods his head and I know he understands this more than anyone. Sometimes I just need to be alone and work through it on my own. Jake has always understood that. I gather my things and head for the door. “Where are you going though, Becca? Remember it might not be safe out there for you.” I take a deep breath and try to remember that there is still this new threat that someone was after me.

“I’ll be careful I promise. Jacob…”

“Yeah, Becca?” Jake responds.

“I could never regret meeting you.” I feel like I’ve just said more than what I actually should have and I hope that he understands that’s all I have right now.
“Me either, baby. Where are you going?”
“Solitude.” I knew as soon as I said it that Jake would assume this was about Keegan. That place had become my place to go think and draw. I look to Jake and the hurt in his eyes is crippling. He must be thinking that because this was a place Keegan and I shared, that I’m going to think about Keegan. Which is true but I’m going there because of Jake too. The longer my heart takes with all this the more people are going to get hurt. The biggest question is: who do I love? The answer is the problem.

I love them both.

Leaving Jake like that was not just difficult, it was unbearable. But I couldn’t deal. Old Becca came out and I ran. I’m trying not to do that but it’s a habit I’m fighting everyday not to keep. Sitting here in my solitude brings me into a peaceful place in the utter chaos that has become my life. When shit gets hard, Becca flakes and it’s fight or flight. Let’s just say I rarely pick a fight. Being here around nature makes my life melt away. I can breathe and actually form thoughts. Jake is awake and doing well, so he will be getting released soon. Keegan, well, he doesn’t remember but I will always remember for the both of us. Maybe it’s a blessing for him. He doesn’t have to remember all the horrible sides of our relationship. He can move on and be happy.
What about you, Becca?
Well, I honestly don’t know. I love Jake, but I still love Keegan. I feel like I’m abandoning him. My brother as much as told me this and he is right. No matter the cost to my heart and pride, I will still be his friend if that’s what Keegan needs.

It’s starting to get late now. It’s been dark for hours, but leaving this place is like going out into a world I don’t know anymore and makes me want to just stay put. Jake will be worrying though and Alec, well, he doesn’t know of the threat. I am freezing so I decide to rush off to the dorm and shower. When I’m heading back to my dorm, I see the door is slightly open. My heart drops and I look around frantically th
en scold myself. I probably just left it open. I peek in and no one is there. I walk to my dresser and pick out a pair of jeans, grabbing my Lakehead sweater. I go to grab my phone that is charging by my bed and I stop. I look at the pillow, afraid to touch it. In front of me, just resting on my pillow, is a single black rose. Attached to it is a card and my fingers graze it.
“Soon.”

I can’t hold the
emotions in and they come bursting out of me. I drag myself away from the bed and find the corner of the room. I had grabbed my phone on the way to the corner and already was dialing. “Hello.” His voice comes to me, and then I realize I’ve made a mistake. “Bec, Are you there?” I have stopped correcting him because it doesn’t matter anymore. I want to hang up but that would be childish.

“Sorry
, Keegan, I shouldn’t have called. I will call Alec.” I can’t hold the sobbing back and he must hear it.

“Bec
, where are you? What happened?”

I am hyperventilating from the panic of hearing Keegan and the item on my pillow. I try to pull in my emotions and steady my voice. “I’m not your problem anymore
. I shouldn’t have called you.” With that, I hang up the phone, shutting Keegan out. Or so I thought.

I’m still in the corner crying not long after when someone busts through my door. I scream
, throwing my hands over my mouth. I cower, not even looking at my intruder. I feel arms around me and I shriek while trying to get myself free.

“Bec
, open your eyes! It’s just me!” Hearing his voice, my eyes pop open and my screams become silent. I’m trembling and the sobs coming from me are panicked. I can’t catch my breath. I’m happy on one hand that he’s here. Keegan came, but now he will know my secret.

“How did you find me?” My words shake out from me through my sobs.

“I was at the school when you called. I knew you lived in the dorms because your brother had told me. I started in this direction as soon as your name displayed on my phone. I asked where your room was and someone told me the rest of the way. I don’t know how I knew, but I knew you were in trouble. How can I remember that and the way your voice changes? How can I feel your panic before you even called me, but not remember you?” He brushes my hair off my face and looks so unlike the Keegan I have known.

“Bec
, why did you hang up? I thought we were… I thought you came to me when things scared you or you needed someone?” I just stay still and silent for as long as possible. This isn’t the Keegan I knew; this is someone new. “Bec, look at me please.” I hesitate, knowing once I look into those eyes it will be over, and I will answer whatever he asks. He puts his hands under my chin and brings my eyes right to his.

“Keegan, I’m not your problem anymore.” I see hurt in his eyes but I know if he remembered me I’d be staring at devastation.

“Things may be screwed up and I may not remember you here.” He points to his head. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t care because as much as I don’t understand it, I remember you here.” His hand falls just over his heart. “Bec, I will always come when you call. I’m not going anywhere. You promised no matter what you’d hold me to being friends.”
I don’t know what to say to Keegan. He has never been like this before so I just nod. “Now tell me, Bec, what has you in knots and shaking?” I peek over to my pillow and he follows my gaze. He gets up and walks to my bed, picking up the black rose with the attached card. “Soon? Bec, what the fuck is this? Is this left over from Dillon?” I shake my head than tell him everything.