The Broken Girl (Lonely Girl Book 2) (16 page)

“Something happened between me and Sarah
,” I say. Her hand doesn’t move.

“Keegan
, I kind have figured something happened when you moved out. At least you know what she’s like and the type of person she is.” My heart is telling me to just shut up and let it go. Leave it at this but my heart also knows she doesn’t deserve more deception.

So I continue.
“The night you hooked up with Tracey…” I feel her wince at my mention of him. “Well, when I left that night, I got hammered. Sarah called and I slept with her.” And just like that, her hand is gone but not for long. Bec just slapped me hard across the face. I welcome the pain because it’s better than what my heart is feeling right now.

“I love you
, Bec…”

I hear
her scuff at my words. She turns from me and is shifting through her draws behind her. She turns around and walks towards me. She puts something in my hand and I look down. My heart sinks. It’s the locket I gave to her, not that I remember giving it to her. But this was my grandmother’s and I know that there are pictures inside of it from when I first saw it on her. I didn’t even notice she stopped wearing it.

“Bec, no. I don’t want this back; I wanted you to have it. That’s still what I want. I know I screwed up but I love you.” I beg
her to keep it.

“You love me…”

I can hear the venomous tone and it makes me step back.

“Is that what you were telling yourself when you knowingly were screwing the brains out of the girl who drugged me. If that’s love then I for damn sure don’t want it. Fuck you, Keegan Keller
! Fuck you.”

I go to reach for her but she pulls back
. Seeing the tears that now stain her cheeks is all it takes for the ones I had been holding back to break free.

“Please
,” I say.

“How could you be with Sarah? You knew what she did to me!” She screams at me. “Please
, tell me I can fix this,” I plead.

She is shaking her head and my heart is racing.

“No, you can’t. We are done, Keegan. Do you hear me? Done! I’m done with you.

The
tears you see are not because I’m not over you. It’s because you proved me right.”

“God
, Bec, I’m so sorry. Just please…” I’m barely able to keep myself from running to her and begging at her feet.

“What happened to us here
, Keegan, is your fault! You kept pushing me away. I’m sorry it finally worked. I’m with Jake and now you are going to be alone. You can’t hate me now that I’m moving on when you kept showing me you clearly had. Come to find out it was with the person who drugged me. You’ve lost me, Keegan.”

I pull her to me
, hoping the closeness will bring down her pain but it only makes it worse. However, I don’t let go. I can’t because I know this is all I am ever going to get. God, I love this girl.

“Get out, get out, get out! I hate you
, Keegan. I hope you are happy now.” God, happy is the last thing I am. “GET OUT!” She’s screaming and is bawling.

Jake comes in and I turn my anger on him. “This is all your fault. If you’d just kept your mouth shut! Stay away from me
, Jake. You finally did it. You stole the woman I love.”

Jake doesn’t respond the way I was hoping. “Key, go cool down. Give Becca space.”

I let go of her and she just cuts me to the core. “I don’t want space. I hate him. I never want to see him again.” I can’t handle it any more. I leave, closing the door behind me.

My feet can’t seem to move. I’m frozen outside of her door. My hand is still holding the necklace I’d given her. It feels like an enemy, a reminder of everything I’ve lost. Everything I’ve let Sarah and myself take away from me. The only person who ever had my heart is screaming and crying not
five feet from me. I can still hear everything.

“Jake
, I’m so sorry I put you in the middle like that. Keegan is your friend but I just can’t deal with him. I’m sorry. Charlotte has offered to go with me to my art courses and I think I need to get away. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you, because god knows I do. I love Keegan too, but I’m just too broken to deal with all of this, let alone spend a whole summer with those two so close to me. Don’t hate me? Please.” I can hear Bec sniffling through every word. I’ve wrecked her. The sobs that have erupted from my chest are my reminder of what I’ve done.

“Becca
, I could never hate you. Maybe I will come and do a summer with you too. Get away from here. Just like before. Don’t worry about me and Keegan,” Jake says.

“I won’t be the reason you two lose your friendship
, Jake,” Bec replies. This is one of the many reason I love this girl.

“No
, Becca, listen to me. I will always choose you.” Why couldn’t I just do that for her? Why did I have to be spiteful and go to Sarah? Knowing that if Bec ever found out it would be over. Maybe I haven’t changed as much as I’d hoped. I still screwed up the best things that happen to me.

“Why couldn’t he just remember me?”
she cries.

“Becca, I can’t fix this. I can’t make him remember you.” God
, Jake, I wish you could, man. Because then I wouldn’t have done all this stupid shit and screwed up my life.

“I see how much it hurts you Becca, which only hurts me more
,” Jake adds.

“Then we let him go.” With Bec’s words
, I pull myself off the door and run out of the dorms into the cool night.

Keegan

Everyone is just finishing the last exams, ex
cept for me. I was given an extension so that I could catch up on the material. I’m also going to take a course this summer. Originally it was refreshers, but now I see it as a way to keep busy. God, do I need that right now. Every day I see her, I want to run up to her but I do as she asked. Bec doesn’t look at me. She doesn’t look at anyone. It’s as if she’s home but the lights are all off. Her interest is nothing. I do know that Jake hasn’t moved back into the dorms or staying with Bec at night. Drake told me, but only after I begged to know what was going on in her life. He told me about Jake instead, as a way to get around the ‘Bec’ issue.

To say that made me feel better would be an understatement. She told me I had pushed her to him and that’s exactly what I expected
. Now I don’t really understand what’s going on in her mind but to know that she hasn’t just went off to be with Jake is comforting. Not much, but enough to make me not want to shoot myself in the foot in order to feel pain anywhere but in my heart. Being on my own in the apartment was great at first. But now it’s just a constant reminder of the life I have lost. The distance all this shit has put between us is screwing with my head, the friends I still see only make that distance appear larger.

I still haven’t finished unpacking. Honestly
, I’ve unpacked all the stuff that Alec and Drake packed, but the ones with Bec’s handwriting on them remain untouched.

Until today.

I don’t know why but I just felt like it was time. Opening the first box, I find some old t-shirts that I didn’t really wear before except around the house. I pull one out and I instantly get the smell of Bec from it. Bringing it to my nose, the smell gives me comfort. These were on Bec, but then the fact that I have them again means she gave them back. There are pictures of the games, ones I don’t remember, and a few other things that I’m not sure where they are from. Coasters from places I can’t recall being at to add to my collection. I pick one up and it has a heart with ‘Becca + Keegan’ written on it. Seeing my handwriting on this brings pain to my already screwed up heart.

I open the second box
, which is some of my CDs and posters. While taking them all out, I find a black tube, and I open it. It appears to be housing a poster, but the paper is too thick. Pulling it from its case, I unroll it. Looking back at me is myself. A sketch of me so detailed and personal that I don’t have to look at the signature to know Bec did this, but there is more than one. The second one stops my heart and steals the breath in my lungs. Looking at this stirs memories that are begging to come back. There is a photograph of Bec and I in the forest. I am lying with my back on the ground and she is smiling down at me. She has taken this and painted it. It’s perfect. I put it on my desk and make note to take it to get it framed tomorrow.

I lift the box thinking it’s empty and something slides in the box. It’s one of my memories boxes from when I was younger. I open it
, thinking I will be safe from memories of Bec. There are pictures of me in my hockey uniform as a child, and awards I’d won. At the bottom is an envelope that says ‘Becca.’ I lift the envelope, examining it. I know it’s my handwriting but it’s so strange because I don’t know what’s inside. Opening it, nothing prepared me for the royal mind fuck that is about to happen.

Dear Becca,

I wish I could say that you and I are fine. We both know that’s not the case. Screwing us up is what I seem to do. None of it is your fault. I know I bring Michael up and thr
ew him in your face. It’s wrong, I know it, but it’s what I do when I think I’m losing you.

When I saw you at the airport for the first time
, you had me. I know you didn’t know it then but my heart was already wrapped up in you. The day you called me, after Dillon had hurt you, I didn’t know what was wrong but I knew you needed me. That gave me so much. I’ve never been needed, Becca. To be able to keep you safe was the only thing I’ve ever wanted since then.

I know that you know Sarah and I were together that summer. You always wondered why I went to her,
and so did she. You think I didn’t know about Jake, but I did. After three weeks without you, I got on a plane and came to find you. I missed you; being away from you was like my entire world was off course. But when I got there, I saw you and Jake walking into the hotel. You just looked so happy. I loved you even then. As long as you were happy then I would suffer the heartbreak.

I wrote you a note and left something for you. At the last minute
, I changed my mind. It would have been selfish to take that happiness from you to save my own heart. Never have I regretted that choice. Even now. If Jake weren’t good for you, I would have done everything to keep you apart. Seeing you become friends and then being inseparable was excruciating for me. I know you love me, but I think a part of you loves him too.

Does that mean I think we are over
? Never. Not ever will that be our story, Becca. I’ve never believed in something as much as I believed in us. Although at the time when things got bad, I did hurtful things. I ran to Sarah, but I don’t love her. Hell, I don’t even like her most days. But there has always been something there with Sarah. I’m sorry that hurts you, but she isn’t who I want or need. That’s you.

Seeing you in the hospital after Dillon had attacked you
(because of you running from me) was like someone ripped my heart out of my chest. I don’t blame Jake for hating me or not letting me see you. Trust me; what my heart and head were doing to me was worse than anything he could do to me. When Alec snuck me in to see you and you just looked so broken and frail. I knew then I’d go to the end of the world for you; I’d take every pain you had and make it my own.

Saying her name. Well
, it’s inexcusable. There’s nothing I can say to make you feel better about that. Only know that when I was with her… It was always you I saw. You’re the only face I have ever seen when I look at a woman. You always say honesty is the only way with us so I’m being brutal. I do not blame you that you ran, after that. Between your heart being broken, I’m sure your heart is realizing you had feelings for Jake, and running was the best option. If I ever tried to stop you from running, it would mean I didn’t really love the real you.

More than anyone
, I understand the need for solitude. Don’t ever think you need to explain it to me when you feel you need it.  I’ve come a long way; I’ve made a lot of mistakes. To tell you that it will never happen again would only be setting us up for more pain. This I can promise you: no one will ever love you more than me. The person I was is gone. I’ve been becoming this person who lives to be a better man, and you’re the reason for that.

This isn’t enough; I’m not the person you deserve. But I promise to become that person. I think you’d be amazing for me and I know I’d be so good for you.

Anything I can do to make this up to you, Becca, just say the word and it’s done. My problem was I went to the one who couldn’t give me anything to save my heart. I forgot those who need me. Those people that I need more than the air I breathe. I’ve learned from my mistakes. I know I said I would change. Today’s the day I can honestly say I’ve changed and you can believe it, Becca. I was such a fool to hurt you, because when I hurt you are the one I always turn to. I’m sorry I haven’t been that person for you. I don’t deserve you, Becca, but I’m asking you to let me have you anyway.

We’ve always had our ups and downs but
, babe, we got this far. I’ll do anything you want except be without you. This isn’t the end for us; end isn’t even a word known to our love. My life would never be the same without you. The only way I’d be able to survive one day without you in my life, is if I didn’t know you. Don’t give up on us, because I never will. I love you, Becca, so please just give us time.