The Bringer (20 page)

“
Luce – what is it?”

I stare at him with helpless eyes.

“
Do I have to fucking guess?”

“
No – I –”

“
Are you’re married?”

I look at him with complete surprise. “No.”

“
Have you got kids?”

“
No.”

“
Were you born a man?”

“
No! Just stop, James!” I hold my hand up. “Give me a minute, please.”

He goes silent and begins rolling the menu up in his hands. I can see just how frustrated he is.

I bring my knees to my chest hugging them. “This is a really hard thing for me to say and it’s going to be even harder for you to hear.” My voice is barely above a whisper.

“
Just say it.” His tone is harsh, impatient, taking me by surprise

I quickly recover and, finding my backbone, I put my feet down to the floor, look him in the eye and say, “I’m not human.” Then I prepare myself for the worst.

“
Funny,” he says, without a trace of humour, “you’re really starting to piss me off now. Will you just say whatever the fuck it is and get it over and done with!”

I look at him feeling wrong-footed. “I just have – I’m not human,” I repeat calmly even though I feel anything but.

He sighs and starts to get up off the sofa. “If this is your way of getting out of eating then –”

“
I’m serious, James”

I think it must be the tone of my voice that stops him because he hesitates. So I seize the moment.

“
I’m a Bringer – well I was – I’m not really sure what I am now,” I ramble. “But I – well, we Bringers take human souls to Heaven when they’ve died. It’s what we exist for. My home is a place called Pure Land. It lies on the Astral plane between Heaven and earth . . .” And now I’m actually saying these words, I can hear just how very unreal they sound, and just exactly how they must sound to him.

He probably thinks I’m crazy.

“
I know it’s hard to believe,” I add with emphasis. “But I am telling you the truth.”

I can see his mind working, quickly, trying to processes what I’ve just told him. His face obtuse, uncomprehending. Then he laughs, awkwardly. “You’re seriously expecting me to believe that you’re - what - an angel?”

“
Yes. Well, no.” I shake my head. “I’m not an angel. But I am sort of the conception that you have of them. Angels do exist, but well I’m what is called a Bringer.”

He taps the rolled up menu against his knee. “Right. Okay.” He pauses pushing his tongue between his teeth, making a kind of hissing noise. “Seriously, Luce, this really isn’t funny. I know you have an odd way but honestly –”

“
I’m not trying to be funny. I’m trying to be honest with you.”

He leans forward, forearms resting on his legs and crushes the menu between his large hands. “Okay, and let’s just say for a minute that I believe you – which right now I’m having a really fucking hard time doing, then what are you doing here with me? Why aren’t you off in Heaven – erm – doing whatever it is you Bringers do?”

“
Because I can’t go back – well I mean I could – I think, but I don’t want to,” I say, feeling discomfited. “James, the night of your accident, I was there to take you to – well I mean – you were supposed to die that night.” I glance over at him to see his eyes flicker and I know there’s some tiny part of him that maybe kind of believes me, even though his common sense is strongly telling him otherwise. I press on, “I was there to take you to Heaven. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t let you die, I had to save you and somehow I changed – to this human form, and I could touch you and you could actually see me, and I didn’t want to let go of that and lose you and –” I peter off.

He rubs his head. “Hang on, so what you’re saying is I was supposed to die and you were there to take me to Heaven but you changed into a human and decided to save me instead?” he says this with a really patronising tone to his voice and a smile creeping onto his lips.

“
Yes – well there’s a lot more to it than that, but essentially – yes.”

“
Right.” He nods his head disbelievingly.

“
I am telling you the truth,” I reiterate.

He sits back in his chair. “Yeah, sure you are.”

“
I knew Max.”

His eyes flick up at me.

“
Max, your dad,” I reaffirm.

“
I know what my dad’s name is,” he says coldly. “How do you –” He swallows loudly, “– how did know my dad?”

And that’s when I know he’s finally listening to me, that I’ve finally got his attention.

“
I was his Bringer. I took him to Heaven. That’s how I first met you.”

“
I don’t –” He shakes his head and rakes his fingers through his hair. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“
The day Max died – July second, at three fourteen pm. I was there in the hospital room with him, well his soul – and you.”

His eyes narrow to confusion but I keep mine fixed on his.

“
I was talking to Max, trying to help him come to terms with his death when you came in the room and something happened to me that had never happened before –”

He suddenly sits forward, angrily. “I don’t want to listen to this.”

“
No, James, you need to hear this and I need to say it,” I continue on, not giving him a chance to respond. “I didn’t have feelings – emotionally or physically. It’s just the way we are. But from the very moment I saw you, I started to have them, feelings, I mean, and I was so confused and curious . . . about the feelings – about you. And then Max asked me to watch over you and –”

“
He what?”

“
He asked me to watch over you. He was worried about leaving you alone, he said you wouldn’t take care of yourself properly and he asked me to look in on you to make sure you were okay, so I visited you to fulfil my promise to him. And also I wanted to understand them – the feelings, understand what was happening to me and then I discovered that mainly the feelings I was having, well they were for you, and then I couldn’t seem to stay away. And on the night of your accident, fortunately out of all of us it was me that was called to be your Bringer and –” My throat closes and tears suddenly spill from my eyes. The enormity of it all dawning on me. “I just couldn’t let you die.” I shake my head. “I couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing you again –”

He rubs roughly at his face, and laughs discordantly. “I just can’t fucking believe I’m hearing this!”

“
I know it’s a lot to take,” I say through my tears.

“
No you don’t.” He looks at me sharply. “You have no fucking idea how I’m feeling right now.” He gets up. “This is just – fucking ridiculous! It’s too much . . . I can’t listen to this shit – I have to get out of here.”

He hobbles quickly out of the room.

“
Where are you going?” I scamper after him, the panic audible in my voice but I don’t care.

He doesn’t answer and I get in the hall to find him already at the door.

The panic grips a tighter hold of me. “James?” I cry. I know how frantic I sound but I can’t seem to control it. It’s like the fear’s taken over and I no longer have control.

He turns abruptly. “Why are you doing this? Everything was going so great and –”

“
Because it’s the truth and because you have a right to know.” I wipe the tears off my face. “And I knew I couldn’t hide it for much longer. You were already starting to notice things, like how I don’t eat –”

“
And there was me thinking you had fucking anorexia!” he yells fiercely.

His tone hits me like a slap across the face.

“
And I – I wanted you to know me,” I say in a quieter voice. “The real me. Before anything happened between us, I mean before we were intimate – I didn’t think it was right –”

He laughs hollowly. “Haven’t we been intimate enough already?” His voice is like ice, coating me with its horrifying chill and I just want to shrink down and be invisible.

“
I know, I meant – I’m so sorry.” I wrap my arms around myself.

I’m too afraid to look at him, afraid of what I’ll see on his face, afraid that he’s repulsed by me now he knows who I really am.

I could hear the disdain in his voice. I don’t want to see it in his eyes.

“
This is just too – too fucking weird,” he says uncomprehending, clutching his head. “I have to go.” He presses down on the handle.

I grab hold of his arm. “James, please don’t go!” I say, my tone desperate. “I love you.”

He spins around. His face is livid. “Love me – fuck!” He shakes his head. “Do you even know the meaning of the fucking word?”

“
I – I – please if you’d just listen to me, let me explain –”

“
No!” his voice like thunder, eyes blazing. “I can’t listen to you anymore!”

I start at level of his rage. “I’m so sorry,” I sob still desperately clinging to his arm. “But I’m still me. The me you said you were crazy about. The me you said you wanted to be with.”

He stares at me eyes, filled with contempt. And then for a split second I see a glimmer of warmth there before it dies, fracturing into a million pieces, a kaleidoscope of darkness that may never again be fixed.

“
Still you!” he says incredulously. “I don’t even know who the fuck you are!”

Then he pulls his arm free from my hand and walks out the door.

Chapter 15

Don’t Go Away

James hasn’t come home.

He’s been gone hours. Well, three hours and thirty five minutes, to be exact.

And I just sat there on the sofa for all of those three hours and thirty five minutes, waiting, torturing myself, crying my eyes dry.

And now, finally out of tears, I’m stood here in the garden, contemplating what I know I have to do.

It’s time for me to go home. I have to go to the one place I know Arlo will visit, so he can take me back.

I can’t continue on like this. I’m not human. I’m just residing in the shell of what represents one, and no matter how much I may want to be human. I never will be.

It was a really nice dream to have whilst it lasted, but now it’s time to let go – let him go.

The pain tightens around me, confining me to it, and I know this is how I will always feel from now on, so I had better get used to it.

The night sky is casting its shadows across James’ beautiful creations.

I usually love the night, the glowing moon, the twinkling stars, but now it just seems so black, so bleak – so utterly, compellingly depressing, and I fit right in to it like the missing piece of a puzzle.

I gaze at the spot where James first kissed me.

I close my eyes and let the memory blanket me, remembering exactly how his lips felt on mine, how his touch warmed and fired inside me, how one smile on his lips sent every particle of me into a complete frenzy and how, when I was with him, when he was near, he was all I knew, was all that mattered.

From the very first moment I saw James, he changed me irreversibly, turned me from an empty shell, into something more. He made me someone, someone that mattered – for a time.

Nothing will ever be the same again and I don’t regret one second of it.

I can’t even begin to think about how much I’m going to miss him, and no matter how much this is crushing me, I know it’s time for me to go.

I force my feet to move, and turn to see James lent up in the doorway, watching me.

I falter at the sight of him. “I – I thought you weren’t coming back,” I stammer. My voice sounds hoarse like it hasn’t been used for days.

“
Well I do live here,” he shrugs. “I had to come back sometime.”

I say nothing, feeling foolish.

We stand in silence just looking at one another. He looks exhausted. I debate with myself whether I should just leave but now, faced with him, I can bring myself to move.

“
Where have you been?” I finally ask, even though I know have no right to.

“
Sat in the work van across the road.” He laughs self-mockingly, tapping the pot on his leg. “Couldn’t get very far with this thing on.”

Across the road in his van. Why didn’t I even consider that he hadn’t gone far, that he couldn’t? I feel like kicking myself.

“
James, I want to say I’m so sorry – for everything –”

“
Is this the truth,” he cuts me off. “Are you absolutely one hundred percent telling me the fucking truth?”

I nod. “Yes.”

He regards me for a moment, eyes intense on mine.

“
I never meant to hurt you,” I say, knowing my words are as feeble as my voice sounds.