The Breaking Point (39 page)

A
UGUST
1993

RENEE LOVED THE QUIET.

So much of her life with Gabe had been filled with yelling and emotional violence that she’d forgotten the beauty of silence. But since their separation, she found herself spending night after night at home, the TV and radio off, just sitting there.

Soaking in the peace.

Tonight, though, peace seemed far away. Ever since she’d been with Gabe on the Fourth, troubling thoughts had been plaguing Renee. Why couldn’t she just relax? Just trust what her own eyes and heart were telling her: that Gabe was changing. For the better.

The answer had come, but she hadn’t liked it. Not one bit.
Because I’m afraid. I can’t trust because I’m afraid.
And who could blame her? Gabe was a master at playing a role. What if that was all this was? Just another role until he got
what he wanted? Was she supposed to forget all those years of conflict after a few months of improvement? What if she started to believe in him and it blew up? What if—
What right do you have to judge?

That drew her up short. “Who better than I? I
lived
with him.”

You are not a judge who can decide what is right or wrong. God alone can rightly judge among us.

Renee jumped up from the couch, not wanting to hear, to think, anymore. She went to fix herself a cup of hot tea, then put on some of her favorite CDs … any distraction she could think of. As she returned to the living room, the shelf of photo albums caught her eye.

She loved looking through photo albums. Almost every time she went to her parents’ house to visit, she’d end up pulling out the albums and paging through her past. It was so much fun to see them all as they’d been back then.

Good. She’d wanted a distraction and now she had one. If she started at the beginning of the albums and worked her way to the end, she’d keep herself busy most of the night.

She pulled out the very first album she and Gabe had started together and padded back to the couch.

Before the night was over, she’d gone through all the years she and Gabe had been married. But the photos hadn’t distracted her at all. In fact, they’d done just the opposite.

As she turned each page, studied each face frozen in time, she’d been struck first by the changes in Gabe. In the early photos, though he wasn’t exactly carefree, he’d been smiling, hopeful, clearly looking forward to what was coming. In the most recent photos …

Gone was the relaxed, smiling Gabe. In his place stood a man whose features, whose posture, whose haunted eyes screamed pain. This was a man whose spirit was weighed down almost to the breaking point.

Then Renee realized something else. Her own face smiled out at her from the pictures, laughing, clearly happy—but only when she was with her friends and family. When it came to pictures of her with Gabe, it was a completely different story.

Or rather, she was a completely different person.

She stood there, sometimes beside him but usually in the background, looking like one of the most belligerent women she’d ever seen. Disdain, contempt, anger, resentment—it glowered in her eyes, pulled at her features. In almost every shot she had her arms crossed or was leaning away from Gabe, barely tolerating his arm around her.

It was not a pretty picture.

Renee stared, hardly able to believe that the pinched-faced woman was her. But it was. And as she looked into those resentful eyes, all she could think of was how miserable it must have been to live, day in and day out, with a woman like that.

What was it Proverbs said? A contentious woman was as annoying as a constant dripping on a rainy day?

Renee’s eyes went back to the photos and she felt her mouth droop. She’d been dripping, all right. And then some.

Gabe had suffered that woman for years. No wonder he’d fallen back into acting a part, keeping his real needs and his real heart hidden. He’d had to protect himself. And now … he was doing everything he could to be real, to be who he was deep inside. To win her back, to earn her trust. Why? She covered the picture with her hand. Why would he want to be around her ever again?

Because he loves you.

“I know that!” She hissed the words into the stillness around her. “He’s always loved me. Or said he has. But that didn’t change his behavior, didn’t stop the rages—”

He’s changing now.

“It’s too late. How can I let it all go, just forget about what
he’s done, what he’s taken from me?”

You have nothing but what I have
given
you. All you have has come from My hand, child.

She closed her eyes, but the hard words weren’t finished.

Humble yourself before God. Wash your hands; purify your heart. Let there be tears for the wrong you have done. When you bow down before the Lord and admit your dependence on Him, He will lift you up and
give
you honor.

Heart breaking, Renee closed the album, letting it slide from her lap to the floor. She followed it, falling to her knees.

All these years she’d told herself the problems in her marriage lay at Gabe’s door. They were
his
fault,
his
mess to clean up, because of his childhood, his issues, his anger. Once he got his act together, things would fall into place, life would be good.

Well, he’d been doing exactly that—getting his act together. And she had only grown more demanding, more critical.

More like the woman in the pictures.

Life with that woman would never be good. No matter how much Gabe changed. That woman wanted what she wanted, when she wanted it, and resented anyone who kept her from getting it.

How had Gabe endured her for so long?

Because he felt it was all he deserved.

Why didn’t I see it? Why didn’t I see what I was doing?

Because you thought you deserved more.

The realization was as swift as it was terrible, and as Renee knelt there, head bowed, the veil that had been over her eyes, over her understanding, finally tore and fell away.

She’d always believed she knew God so intimately that when she finally met him face-to-face in eternity, she would run and leap into his lap with the abandon of an adoring daughter. But now, finally faced with herself, she understood she hardly knew God at all. She had turned Him, in her
mind, into some kind of celestial daddy, a tolerant and patient paternal figure who loved and adored her, tolerating her willful heart as just another likable quirk.

Now the truth washed over her. Yes, He loved her. Yes, He accepted her as she was because of Christ. But no, He did not see her willfulness as a quirk. He saw it for what it was.

Sin.

And as such, it had kept her from Him. Even as it had kept her from Gabe.

I’m sorry … I’m so sorry …

Renee wept her repentance late into the night, and when she finally rose from her knees she knew it wasn’t enough to ask forgiveness.

She had to extend it as well.

O
CTOBER
1993, S
ATURDAY MORNING

GABE PUSHED THE CAR DOOR OPEN AND SLID OUT.

He hunched his shoulders, trying to ease some of the tension before he went inside.

There was far too much potential for tension waiting inside.

But not as much as there used to be.

It was true, and that fact helped his shoulders relax. He tossed the apartment key into the air and caught it, enjoying the feel of it in his hand. The day Renee returned his apartment key to him was one of the best days he’d had in a long time. Partly because he finally had access again to his home, but mostly because of the gladness he’d seen in Renee’s eyes. And the trust.

Gabe had wondered if he’d ever see that look in her eyes again.

He made his way up the walkway, then slid his key into the lock and opened the door, making sure his tread on the steps was
loud enough for Renee to know he was coming.

“Gabe!”

The alarm in Renee’s voice sent him bounding up the last few stairs. She only sounded like that when something serious was happening, some kind of emergency.

He shoved open the door at the top and bolted into the apartment. “Renee?”

“In here!”

He rushed into the sunroom, then halted. She was standing at the south window, hands pressed against the glass. The early morning sun glinted on her hair, setting the red highlights on fire. Warmth filled him as he studied her, remembering how she felt when she melted against him—

“Oh, Gabe …”

Her broken whisper snapped him out of his thoughts, and he went to her side, reaching out to touch her shoulder, grateful she no longer jerked away from him. Not as often, anyway. She turned wide eyes to him, and the dismay in her features brought a quick frown to his face.

“Sweetheart, what’s—”

“Look.” She pointed out the window, where, on the phone wires extending from the house, dangled a gray squirrel. It was a tiny thing—obviously just a baby. Where on earth was the critter’s mother? A quick scan of the trees brought him an answer. A larger version of the baby was perched on a branch just above the wire, tail puffed out like a bottle brush. Gabe scanned the tree and spotted a nest. The little squirrel must have fallen out and landed on the wire.

From the looks of things, it wouldn’t be long until the animal plunged the fifteen feet or so to the concrete driveway below Gabe shook his head. Nature could be tough …

“A fall like that will kill him, won’t it?”

At the tears in her voice, Gabe sighed.
This
was the emergency? A squirrel? “Renee, honey …”

“Can’t you do something?”

Her green eyes were fixed on him, and he knew there was no way he was going to turn away from the pleading he saw in them. He studied the situation again. “I don’t—”

“Maybe we could catch him or something.”

Gabe shook his head again. “No …”

“We can’t just watch him die.”

He turned to her, about to tell her it was pretty hopeless, but he stopped. If there was one thing he knew about his wife, it was that she loved animals and children and couldn’t stand to see either in peril. With animals, especially, she seemed to have some kind of special bond. He’d taken Renee to plenty of action movies, and used to worry that seeing dozens of people shot or blown up would bother her. Not a problem. She wasn’t even fazed.

But let a dog or a horse or any critter get injured or threatened, and she lost it. Her tender heart just couldn’t take it.

He reached out to pull her close, and as she pressed her face into his chest, he rested his chin on top of her head, breathing in the faint fragrance of vanilla. She always smelled like just-baked cookies. He closed his eyes, letting her warmth seep into him.
Lord, this feels good. I’ve missed her so much …

Emotion welled up in his throat, and he swallowed hard against it. To distract himself, he glanced back out the window at the still-struggling squirrel … and sighed.

He didn’t know if he could help, but he at least owed the little critter the effort to try. After all, that little ball of fur had gotten Renee back into his arms, even if only for a little while. He gave her a squeeze, then stepped back. The hope on her face as she looked up at him made him feel great. Invincible, even.

“I’m not promising anything, hon, but I’ll tr—” Renee launched herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck and squeezing until he could hardly breathe.
Laughing, he returned squeeze for squeeze and dropped a quick kiss on her now smiling lips.