The Breaking Point (17 page)

She’d never dreamed Gabe had this side to him. That such anger and violence dwelled inside him. As she sat there, hearing him share his darkest memories, she started to tremble.

Please, God … how can I be with him? How can I spend my life with this kind of craziness?

The traitorous thoughts pounded at her until she feared she would cry out against them.

“Renee?”

Gabe’s rasping voice tore her from her turmoil, and she turned to him, met his eyes—those blue eyes that had always moved her so … eyes now clouded with pain and fear …

She moved without thinking, as though driven by some unknown, irresistible instinct. She drew him close, cradling him against her as she soothed him, comforting him like a mother speaking peace to a child afraid of monsters in the dark.

And in so doing, she made a choice. She turned her back on fear and doubt. This was Gabe. She knew him. She loved him. And she was not going to abandon him. No matter how much her mind screamed at her to do so. That wouldn’t be fair to him. It wouldn’t be right.

That’s when it hit her. What if God had brought them together so she could show him what love was really like? To let him know he was accepted, scars and all? She tightened her arms around him even as she wrapped her heart around this new thought.

Of course! God knew Gabe needed someone to love him, to help him get past all the pain of his terrible childhood. Who better to do that than someone whose own childhood had been filled with the very things Gabe’s had lacked: joy, kindness, respect, and the freedom that came from knowing you were loved no matter what. Maybe this was even why God had blessed Renee so much, so that she could then share that blessing with the man He had chosen for her.

Do you really buy that? Do you really think God needs you and only you to restore Gabe Roman?

Renee ignored the question. She knew where the voice of doubt came from, and it wasn’t from God. She lifted her chin, closing her mind to the questions that kept trying to intrude on her insight, telling herself she was more grateful than she could express that she hadn’t turned away. From Gabe. Or from God.

That day had marked a turning point in their relationship.
Without ever saying so, they’d made a commitment to each other. To forever. Yes, Gabe’s anger had shown up a few times since, but it had never been as intense, as terrifying, as that day in the car. And he’d always apologized, always told her he hadn’t meant to subject her to such a display.

Each time, she accepted his apology. After all, he was doing his best. And she couldn’t deny his sincerity when he promised he would do better next time.

“Hey, are you in there?”

Gabe’s laughter broke into her thoughts as his warm, strong arms tightened around her. Renee pulled her thoughts away from the past, focusing on Gabe as he nestled her close.

Things would be different when he met her mom and dad. They were going to fly out there in a few months, spend some time at her folks’. She’d told them about Gabe, how special he was, but something else must have come through in her tone as well. Because when she’d talked with her mom last time, asked if she was looking forward to meeting Gabe, her mother sounded … cautious.

Renee rested her head against Gabe’s chest. That was just because Mom didn’t know him, that was all. She and Dad were going to love him. She knew they were.

She squeezed her eyes shut and focused on the steady beat of Gabe’s heart. If only that sure, steady sound would drown out the reproachful questions pelting her mind.

Why can’t you at least be honest with him? Tell him you’re confused, that things are moving too fast—

“I love you.”

Renee stilled, then opened her eyes. The tenderness she saw in his expression only made her feel even more wretched. “I—you … what?”

He chuckled and reached out to brush her windblown hair from her face. “I love you.”

She let the words wash over her, waiting … Shouldn’t she bask in the proclamation? Shouldn’t she be swimming in a
giddy kind of joy? Delighted beyond words? Her boyfriend just said he loved her, for heaven’s sake!

She waited … and waited … but the only thing she felt was an even deeper uncertainty.

What’s wrong with me?
She wanted to strike out at something. But Gabe was holding her hands in his, watching her with those warm blue eyes. Renee looked at him, studying his features. She pulled one hand free to touch his face, tracing the line of his brow, his cheek, with slow, tentative fingers.

He loved her. Gabe loved her. It didn’t matter what anyone else said—not even that irritating inner voice. This was right. It had to be. She’d given so much of her heart to him …
and so much of other things, too.

She pressed the thought away and drew a deep breath, then spoke the words she’d been waiting all her life to say to a man. The words she knew Gabe was waiting to hear. “I love you, too.”

She hadn’t expected him to swoon at the declaration, but neither had she expected him to start laughing. She put a theatrical hand to her chest as though mortally injured and tipped her head. “What?”

His upheld hand warded off her mock displeasure. “I’m sorry, hon. It’s just … well, it just occurred tome …” He placed her palm against his chest. “Do you know what today is?”

Her lips twitched. “The first day of the rest of our lives?”

Emotion flickered in his eyes, and he lowered his head to kiss her fingers, “I hope so, but no, that’s not what I mean.” His grin broadened. “It’s Friday. Friday …the thirteenth.”

Renee’s mouth fell open. He was right! “That’s too perfect.”

Gabe tightened his grip on her fingers, tugging her toward him. “Our lucky number.” He waggled his brows. “How’s
that
for amazing?”

Her friends thought it was crazy that she and Gabe considered thirteen their lucky number, but she liked it. It was
unexpected, different, and a bit quirky—a perfect fit for the two of them. Besides, even her friends had to admit that number kept showing up: February 13 was the first time she and Gabe had really talked; their first date was on March 13; Renee’s dorm room number was 113; Gabe’s address was 713 Oleander Lane; and Gabe had accepted Christ last year on October 13. On and on it went, until she and Gabe had laughingly decided that thirteen would have to be their “lucky” number.

Which only made this new thirteenth event that much more special, and she simply would not let the vague unrest gnawing at her spoil even a second of it.

Putting on her brightest smile, she nudged Gabe. “I feel like celebrating.” If the slightly rebellious tone of her words surprised him, he didn’t let it show. “Last one to the car buys the pizza.”

“With extra cheese and mushrooms?”

Renee thought that with his hair tousled by the wind and his eyes shining with anticipation, Gabe looked like a rugged little boy, ready for whatever came. “Absolutely.”

As they ran for the car, their laughter caught and carried on the wind. Renee knew she was being silly. God had brought her and Gabe together, and they were in love. What she shared with Gabe was forever.

As for those relentless questions and concerns, well, they were just nerves, nothing more. She wouldn’t give them another moment’s thought.

No matter how they screamed at her.

N
OVEMBER
1979

GABE WAS LOST.

Irretrievably. Irrevocably. Eternally.

He knew it the minute he looked into those green eyes. The connection hadn’t lasted long, but it hadn’t needed to. The minute their eyes met as she passed by him one day, something deep in his gut—something he hadn’t even known existed—clicked. And from that moment, nothing anyone said to him could change his mind.

He was going to marry Renee Williams.

Of course, he hadn’t known her name then, but he knew he’d find out. All he had to do was wait, and an opportunity would come. For the first time he actually looked forward to going to work. His job at the college wasn’t fancy—working with boilers, fixing things spoiled college kids trashed after a weekend binge—but it was solid, honest work and it helped pay the bills. Besides,
his boss was a good guy. Tough, but fair. And willing to work around Gabe’s class and study schedule.

Then he saw Renee, and suddenly his job became the most important factor in his life. Because it gave him the opportunity to see her. To meet her. And, as though God Himself set it up, it happened. He’d been in the right place at the right time. He still remembered the wide-eyed stare she directed at him that day when he helped her. He knelt there, watching her, looking into those eyes, and what he saw still made his pulse jump.

Gratitude, sure. But something more. Awareness. Attraction. It danced through her eyes, and the response that nailed him was so powerful it sucked the air from his lungs and made his knees buckle—or would have if he hadn’t already been kneeling beside her.

No doubt in his mind. He and Renee were meant to be together. And from the day they’d met he’d done everything he could to ensure they fulfilled that destiny. And nothing anyone said—not his roomies at seminary: “Man, what are you
doing?
This is the fourth night this week you’ve seen this girl”; not his best friend, John: “G-man, now is not the time for this. This girl is just distracting you from what really matters”; not even his sister, Susan: “I know you think you love her, Gabe, but do you really know this girl well enough to commit to forever? I mean, have you prayed about this?”—made the slightest difference.

Almost without realizing what he was doing, he’d strategized and then launched what amounted to an emotional assault. He knew he’d have to start slow, to move forward with carefully measured steps. Renee was young and inexperienced where relationships were concerned. He spent time with her talking, laughing. He drew her out, listening carefully as she talked about her family, her faith, her love of nature and the night sky.

When she admitted one evening that she sometimes had trouble sleeping, he’d gone out and bought some of that glow-in-the-dark paint. By then Renee’s friends had started to accept him, so it hadn’t been too hard to talk one into letting him into her dorm room. He used an astronomy chart as a map to paint her favorite constellations and the Milky Way on the ceiling over her bed. When she came back from class that night, she found a note from him propped up on her pillow: “Leave the light on until you’re ready for bed. Then turn it off and look up, and remember how much God loves you.”

Her reaction had made his effort more than worth it. As soon as she saw him, she ran and threw her arms around him. Her face pressed into his neck, she told him how she’d slipped into bed, shut off the light, and then gasped at the sight overhead. “You gave me the stars, Gabe.”

But then she’d done the same for him. She gave him the stars every time she turned that tender green gaze on him … handed him heaven each time she opened her arms to him. She was everything he’d ever wanted.

It hadn’t been long until she opened up to him, and the initial attraction that sparked between them had given way to deeper things. Trust. Reliance. Belonging. Desire …

Desire.

Gabe stood, pacing the room, suddenly too restless to sit still. That had been the hardest part. Dealing with the desire. He’d never known such wanting before. Sure, he knew what was right, but when he was with Renee—when she smiled up at him, when she melted against him—the lines blurred. She was so young, so passionate, and it moved him like never before to watch her discover the wonder of love—physical as well as emotional—for the first time.

He’d known it would be up to him to keep a rein on things. He was the one who was experienced at relationships—he’d had more of them than he cared to admit—and
he promised to keep them out of trouble. A promise he’d kept. Until recently.

Gabe leaned against the wall, staring down at the floor. “God—” the whispered prayer sounded raw and miserable even to his own ears—“I messed up. Big-time.”

He hadn’t meant for it to happen, but it had. He let himself get caught up in the moment, let things go further than they should have. Let her passion ignite his until there was no turning back. But he’d paid for it. The look on Renee’s face after it was over, the guilt and regret, the way those green eyes had filled with tears—and shame …

He swallowed hard. Her pain had cut him more deeply than any knife could ever do. He’d held her as she wept, talked with her, prayed with her, sworn to her it would never happen again. Not until after they were married.

This time it hadn’t been hard to stay true to his word. All it took was the image of her hugging herself and crying that day to cool even the strongest surge of passion.

Still …

Something had changed. He wasn’t sure if it was something with her or with him, but he knew it was there. He saw it every time he looked into Renee’s eyes, a kind of shadow. Every time he held her, he felt it—an invisible but impenetrable barrier between them, keeping them from the growing joy they’d known until that night.