The Boyfriend of the Month Club (35 page)

Abuela waved him on.

“I’m fifty-eight years old. I’m not a child and I sure as hell am not an old man. I appreciate the fact that you’re looking out for me and I love you for it. But you’re my
wife
, not my mother. So start acting like it.”

Mami was still speechless. Abuela was now smiling. And Grace stood there, unsure what to do or say. One thing was certain: Jim the manly therapist had made quite an impression on Pop.

“All right,” Mami said a minute or so later. “It’s your life. Live it or
not
the way you want.”

Pop got up from his chair, walked over to Mami, cupped her chin in his hand and gave her a big kiss on the lips. Mami’s cheeks went red. “Glad we got that settled,” Pop said. “Okay, Grace, so what about the book club?”

“Um . . .” She cleared her throat and tried to hide the smile witnessing Pop’s kiss had produced. “A few months ago—back in November, to be exact—we decided to change things up. Instead of a book club, we made it a boyfriend club.”

“A boyfriend club?” Mami said. “What’s that?”

“It’s similar to a book club, but instead of discussing and critiquing books, we . . . well, we did the same thing with men.”

“You invited men to join your book club?” Pop asked, confused.

“No . . . we didn’t invite men. We
critiqued
them. Like you would a book. You know? Thumbs-up, thumbs-down. Only . . . we were a little more creative than that.”

Pop blinked.

“How clever!” Abuela said, clapping her hands together. “That must have been your idea, Gracielita.”

“As a matter of fact, it was.” Only Grace wasn’t so sure how clever Pop was going to find it. “The first meeting was fine. It was just the four of us, plus a few friends of Ellen’s from the college. But by December, membership had grown to about thirty—”

“You fit thirty women in the Hemingway corner?” Mami said. “I didn’t think it could be done.”

“We moved the bookshelves out of the way,” Grace said.

Pop’s right eyelid began to twitch. “Go on.”

“And, well, some of the women brought alcohol with them.”

Mami’s head snapped up. “There was drinking in the store?”

“Just wine! For the most part . . . like you’d have at a book club meeting. And nobody actually got drunk.”
Not that I ever found out about
. “Anyway, after that December meeting I told Ellen we couldn’t have any more members. I was
very
firm with her on that. And no more alcohol. She promised she’d put a message about it on Yahoo!—it’s an Internet site,” Grace explained to Abuela. “That’s where we posted the reviews.”

“I know what Yahoo! is,” Abuela said proudly. “I know what Google is too.”

“Grace, why didn’t you tell me about this before?” Pop asked.

“I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. And I didn’t want to burden you with something I could take care of myself. Especially with—you know . . .” She trailed lamely. She was going to make a reference to his high blood pressure, but then thought better of it.

Pop’s mouth thinned, like he knew what Grace had been about to say.

“But somehow it all got messed up, and last month we had a ton more women show up and I told Ellen that was it, that we had to move the club meetings somewhere else. So she arranged for a room at The Continental, that new hotel in town, only there wasn’t a room available and the meeting ended up at Florida Charlie’s last night.”

Pop was mad; he was trying not to show it, but he was. And she hadn’t even told him the bad part yet.

She went on to tell them about last night’s meeting. About all the women in the shop and about Shania Brown and her
What’s Up, Daytona Beach?
blog. And even though Abuela knew what Yahoo! and Google were, she’d never heard of a blog, so Grace had to stop and explain it to her. She also explained how even though the Monday morning post was supposed to focus on the club, Grace was afraid that maybe, just
maybe
, Shania might mention the store, since the cops had been called.

Pop started to pace the living room floor. “Penny’s boyfriend was hauled off to jail from
my
store?” Before Mami could say anything, he turned to her. “If I want to have a heart attack over this, Ana, then I’m going to bloody well have a heart attack!”

“Be my guest,” Mami said. “I’ll join you.”

Grace cringed. “And something really bad happened last night.”

“Worse than the police coming?” Pop roared.

“Phoebe was at last night’s meeting. The girl who works with Charlie? The one who showed up at Mass and had supper with us a few months ago?”

“The pretty redhead,” Mami said. “She was very nice.”

Abuela nodded in agreement. “The one who liked my
tostones
.”

“Yeah, well . . . she accused Charlie of sexually harassing her. She said that—” Grace gulped, because this next part was going to be really hard to say, “She said that Charlie told her if she didn’t sleep with him, then he was going to get her fired.”

“That lying bitch!” Mami said. “She said this about
my
Charlie? And in public?”

“We’re going to sue the pants off her!” Pop said. “Or rather, Charlie is.”

“I don’t think we should use the words ‘Charlie’ and ‘pants off her’ in the same sentence, Pop.”

“Does Charlie know all this?” Mami asked.

“Not yet. I’ve tried calling him, but his cell phone goes directly to his voice mail.”

The front door opened and Charlie walked into the living room with a grin on his face the likes of which Grace had never seen.

“Um, I can pretty much guarantee that Charlie is clueless about this,” Grace said.

“Did you know that some woman at your law firm is claiming you
sexually
harassed her?” Pop yelled.

“I knew that Phoebe was up to no good,” Abuela said. “Everyone knows my
tostones
are only mediocre and it’s my
plátanos maduros
that are my specialty dish!”

“I know all about Phoebe and the lies she’s been spreading,” Charlie said, way too calmly. “I’m not worried.”

“But Charlie,” Mami said, “she could make trouble for you at the office!”

“Like I said, I’m not worried. I haven’t done anything wrong.” Charlie gave Mami a reassuring squeeze on her shoulder. “I don’t want to talk about Phoebe anymore.” He glanced around the room “Now, isn’t anyone going to ask me where I’ve been?”

“At the office, working as usual?” Grace said.

“Nope.”

He seemed so boyishly happy, like a little kid who’d just come home with a straight A report card and was dying to show it off to the proud family. Grace noticed that instead of his usual weekend wear of shorts or jeans, Charlie wore tan dress pants and a white button-down shirt. He also had on a black blazer. The shirt looked rumpled and he was tieless.

“Did you sleep in that outfit, by any chance?” Grace asked.

He smiled at her like she’d just stumbled on to a clue.

“What is it, Charlie? What did you want to tell us?” Mami asked.

“The reason I didn’t go to Mass this morning was because I was in Vegas.”

Pop’s brows nearly crossed over themselves. “You went to Las Vegas? Was it last-minute business?”

“Did you hit a jackpot?” Abuela asked, excited.

“Not business, Pop. And yeah, Abuela, you could say I hit a jackpot. I got married this morning.”

Grace heard herself screech, “You got
married
? In Las Vegas?”

“Ave Maria!”
Abuela said. Her eyes shot up to the ceiling. “I knew the Virgin was listening!” She got up from her seat and wrapped Charlie up in a hug.

“Charlie,” Pop said. His face was now pink. “Let me get this straight. You went to Vegas last night, met some girl, and
married her
?”

“Calm down, Charlie,” Mami said, addressing Pop. “Remember your high blood pressure. And I
am
going to say something about it when I think I need to. Just try and stop me. But seriously,
cariño
, are you that clueless? Of course our son didn’t marry some girl he just met. He married Sarah!”

“Sarah who?” Pop asked, confused.

“Yeah, Sarah who?” Grace chimed, because he simply couldn’t mean
her
Sarah.

Charlie crossed the living room in three long strides to open the front door. Sarah, (
her
Sarah!) stood in the doorway wearing a simple cream-colored above-the-knee dress and the goofiest smile Grace had ever seen. Her blonde hair hung loose and straight to her shoulders. She wore the barest of makeup and Grace could immediately sense that, like Charlie, Sarah hadn’t slept last night, but she still looked beautiful. And . . . happy. Truly happy. In a way Grace had never seen her.

Before Sarah could put a toe over the threshold, Charlie swooped her up in his arms and carried her into the living room.

“Put me down!” Sarah laughed, her arms looped tightly around Charlie’s neck.

“Never!” Charlie said with such vehemence that Grace almost didn’t recognize him.

Mami and Abuela fell on Sarah and Charlie, crying, laughing, telling each other that they’d always known that Sarah was the one for Charlie. The whole time Charlie held Sarah in his arms, grinning, like a besotted idiot.

And Pop and Grace stood there, mouths gaping open, like everyone had known about Charlie and Sarah but them. Which, apparently, was the case.

Pop recovered first. “Put her down, Charlie. She’s not going anywhere,” he said.

Charlie reluctantly set Sarah on her feet. “She’d better not.”

Sarah gave Charlie a smile that made Grace’s eyes sting. Pop gave Sarah a big kiss and welcomed her to the family. And Sarah actually
blushed
.

What was going on here?

It was like someone had taken the real Sarah off to the pod people and replaced her with this version that Grace had never seen before.

“I’m sorry that we didn’t tell anyone,” Sarah said. “It all happened so fast! And since I can’t get married in the Church, Charlie thought that Vegas was a simple solution.”

Pop punched Charlie playfully in the shoulder. “You could have given us a heads-up!”

“Do your parents know?” Mami asked.

“We called them. They’re our next stop,” Charlie said.

“Not until we have some champagne first.” Mami scurried off to the kitchen. “This calls for a celebration!” she cried over her shoulder.

“Have you eaten yet?” Abuela asked. “Of course you haven’t. The airlines want to starve you now, probably so they can keep making the seats smaller. I’ll go heat up the leftovers.”

“Grace?” Sarah said shyly. Up until now, Grace hadn’t said anything, only because, well, because she had no idea what to say.

“What happened?” Grace blurted. “I mean, when . . . when did . . .”

“When did I know that Sarah was the girl for me?” Charlie interrupted. “That would be about twenty-five years ago.”

Now Sarah wore the same identical, stupid grin Charlie had been sporting. It was like the two of them had been drinking the same alien happy juice.

“I’m serious,”
Grace said. “When did this happen?”

“Last night, after the club meeting, I went to Charlie’s place,” Sarah said. “I wanted to warn him about the stuff Phoebe was saying. And—”

“I’ve been in love with Sarah for a long time.” Charlie put his arm around Sarah in a protective gesture. “After she told me about Phoebe, she confessed that listening to Phoebe disparage me at the club meeting brought out feelings that . . . well, that she never knew she had for me. So I finally told her how I felt. I asked her to marry me and she said yes, so I grabbed her and threw her on a plane to Vegas before she could change her mind.”

“We had to buy a dress at the airport gift shop. He wouldn’t even let me pack!” Sarah said.

He won’t even let you speak either
. Grace’s head was buzzing. This was all too . . . much.

“Sarah was hoping that with the time difference we’d still be able to make it to Vegas in time for a Valentine’s Day wedding, but the official date is February 15. I like it better. Less sappy, huh, squirt?” Charlie said.

Charlie was probably the only groom in history who called his bride squirt while looking like he wanted to jump her at the same time. Before today, Sarah always scoffed at the nickname, but now she practically glowed at the endearment. She gave Grace a watery smile. “I hope you’re happy about this.”

Happy?
Of course Grace was happy!

“Are you kidding? You’re my sister-in-law.
Oh my God
. You’re my sister-in-law!” She hugged her and the two of them started laughing. Because this was perfect. Charlie and Sarah. But still . . . it was so unexpected that Grace couldn’t help but feel that they were leaving something out. “It’s just so crazy! So impulsive. Sarah, it’s just so
not
like you.”

“There’s no logic to love, sis,” Charlie said.

Sarah smiled, but she didn’t meet Grace’s eyes.

Mami passed around the champagne and Pop made a toast to the couple’s future happiness. Charlie kept his arm around Sarah the whole time, and Grace could plainly see that the two of them were in love. She looked around at the faces in the room. Nobody seemed anything less than totally thrilled by Charlie’s impromptu nuptials.

The Lettuce scores a touchdown!

Grace instantly felt like a big weasel. What was wrong with her? Isn’t this what she’d wanted? For Charlie and Sarah to get together? So why was she trying to find something wrong with a perfectly wonderful situation? Could it be that subconsciously Grace didn’t want Sarah to be happy because Grace’s love life was falling apart? Could she be
that
selfish?

No
. She’d wanted Charlie and Sarah together. It was the whirlwind manner in which the whole thing had gone down that had Grace spooked, not the end result.

Abuela insisted that the newlyweds eat something, and after another hour of talking about how they’d always been meant to be together and how weird life turned out, and then drank some more champagne, they’d left to meet with Sarah’s parents.