The Boy Who Lived With Ghosts: A Memoir (22 page)

He is saying, “Gasp!”

Auntie Dot will definitely gasp.

Mum has been supplying Auntie Dot with mugs of tea and she has smoked one cigarette after another from the open packet beside her. Mum even made Margueretta lend Dot her transistor radio for the day. And Auntie Dot is singing along to the music.

Silence is golden, but my eyes still see…golden, golden…

“Fuck these weeds are full of fucking nettles and brambles! ‘How many times will she fall for his lines?’”

…golden, golden, but my eyes still see. Still see. Still seeeeeee!

“Cowson, that fucking thistle!”

Pushing the bomb up the end of the cigarette in the packet by the couch was really easy. Now I just had to wait for her other packet to run out, which shouldn’t be long. Then we will have such a laugh.

“Johnny! Get my other packet of fags, there’s a love. Jesus Christ, these apples are tasteless.”

“You’ll be tightening that belt on another notch soon!” Mum suggested.

“I will. Fucking fading away at this rate. How many apples have I had today?”

“I think it’s about seventeen, Dot.”

“What time is it?”

“Half past eleven.”

“Fuck. I’ll limit myself to six apples for lunch, then.”

I ran back with the second packet of cigarettes. Dot took one out and lit it. Nothing. Ten minutes later, another one. Nothing. That means there are just two cigarettes left.

“Ooo-er! What’s she doing there?” asked Joan Housecoat, standing at the garden gate.

“She’s…” Mum started.

“I’m cutting the fucking grass. What d’you think I’m doing? Playing fucking billiards?” Dot replied.

“Ooo-er! Only asking. Why don’t you use a pair of shears or something like that? It’ll take you a month of Sundays to cut down that jungle with those scissors. Ooo-er!”

“If I had a fucking pair of shears that’s what I’d be fucking using. Now, unless you’ve got any other stupid fucking questions, I’ve got work to do.”

Dot took another cigarette from the packet and lit it and threw the empty packet on the heap of weeds. Hang on a minute. There were four cigarettes in that packet and this is only the third one she has lit. I put my hands over my ears. I must have missed one. Now this is it!

“Johnny! Run up to the Co-op, there’s a good boy, and get me another packet of Kensitas. Here’s ten bob. And buy yourself an ice cream.”

It was almost a disaster, but Emily offered to go to the Co-op. Dot took a long drag on her cigarette and I waited. Nothing.

Then I noticed what happened to the fourth cigarette. It was behind Dot’s ear. She had tucked the last cigarette behind her ear. So that’s the cigarette with the bomb!

“You know something, ducky?”

“What’s that, Dot?” Mum replied.

“This is some fucking paradise here. You don’t know how lucky you are living out here in the country with this garden and everything. Some fucking paradise, I’d call it. Actually, I will now call it Green Acres. Yes, you now live
at Green Acres. And this is me last fag till little Emily gets back. But I’ll take another mug of tea, please, me ducks!”

The smoke clouded around Dot’s face as she dragged on that last cigarette.

“Oh, I love a smoke. A diet’s one thing, but I could never give up me fags. Never.”

60

I
t is absolutely not my fault that there is no warning on the packet about the dangers of putting a small bomb in the end of someone’s cigarette. And there is no mention in the instructions of the chance that half of the cigarette could get stuck up that person’s nose and that the rest of the cigarette would catch fire leaving a black patch of smoke around that person’s nose and mouth making them look like Adolf Hitler.

I now know for sure. Auntie Dot is definitely a woman because she screamed and screamed like a little girl.

“I could have been fucking blinded by that fucking cigarette. Fucking blinded! The fucking quality of those Kensitas has gone right down hill. I’m switching to Guards from now on. Fucking almost blinded for Christ’s sake!”

I’ve hidden the other five bombs under my bed. And I’m saying nothing.

Mum has left with Akanni and taken Auntie Dot round to Mollie’s to have a cup of tea and calm down. So, I’ve switched the old Ferguson on so that it can warm up in time for
Steptoe and Son
, which is my favorite program on the telly.

“That was terrible what happened to Auntie Dot, wasn’t it?” Emily asked.

“Yes.”

“She could have been blinded.”

“Yes.”

“I like it when Auntie Dot is here. She makes me laugh,” said Emily.

“I know. It feels safe when she’s here. Here with Lassie. I feel safe.”

“What are you watching?” Margueretta asked as she came into the front room.

“
Steptoe and Son
. It’s just started.”

“Well, I don’t want to watch it! I’m switching it over.”

“But you were listening to your radio,” I protested.

“Radio? What business is it of yours what I was doing? If I want to watch the telly then that’s my choice and there’s nothing you can do about it. I’ve noticed you have far too much to say for yourself while Auntie Dot is here. Well, she’s not here now is she? Want to make something of it?”

“We were watching
Steptoe and Son
!”

“Shut your little mouth. Actually, I’m going to shut it for you!”

So, she shut my mouth with her hand tight across my face so that I couldn’t breathe. Then she held me down on the floor and sat on me and bounced up and down on my stomach and slowly dripped a big glob of bubbly spit into my face.

“Got anything to say now, little boy?”

“Get off him!” Emily shouted.

“Let’s see if I can make the little boy cry! Ha, ha! Crybaby! Crybaby!”

She twisted that little bit of hair that sits right above my ears again. She twisted and twisted but I wouldn’t cry.

“I know what will make you cry! A Chinese burn! Yes! A Chinese burn! That always works.”

She grabbed my wrist with both hands and began turning my skin in opposite directions until I screamed for her to stop.

“Submit! Submit!”

“I’ll tell you when to submit! Ha, ha!”

“Submit! Submit!”

“Get off him!” Emily screamed.

“Ha, ha! Ha, ha!”

And the front door opened. It was Mum and Akanni and Auntie Dot.

“Those fucking chaffinches! I couldn’t hear myself fucking thinking!” said Dot.

“Well, at least Robert can hear them now,” said Mum.

“Right. Where are my fucking apples?”

Margueretta jumped off me as quick as she could.

“What’s going on in here?” Dot asked.

“Margueretta was beating John up,” Emily replied. “She does it all the time.”

“What?” Dot replied.

“I was just playing!” Margueretta said.

“She spat in his face and twisted his wrist to give him a Chinese burn. She does it all the time,” Emily shouted.

“Did you know about this?” Dot asked my mum.

“Well, I’ve tried to stop it, but I can’t be here all the time.”

“Tried to stop it? Tried to bloody stop it? Well, you should fucking try harder!”

“But she’s out of control…”

“She’s a damned bully…”

“I’ve tried…”

“Tried? You! Margueretta! Get here!”

Auntie Dot grabbed Margueretta by the throat and threw her onto the sofa, and Margueretta screamed, and I laughed, but only inside.

“You fucking touch him again, and I will kill you with my bare hands! Do you understand?”

Margueretta looked frightened for the first time ever.

“I said do you fucking understand, you pathetic little bully?”

“Yes.”

“Yes, what?”

“Yes, Auntie Dot. Yes, I understand.”

“Right. Now, Johnny, come here for a hug. You will never be bullied again, OK? I fucking hate bullies more than anything. Everything will be all
right now. If she so much as looks at you, you tell me, and I will beat her to within an inch of her fucking life!”

I love Auntie Dot more than anyone, more than anything. She is my pretend dad, even if she does have a grab-handle for a willy. This is the happiest day of my life. But Auntie Dot is leaving tomorrow.

61

I
t’s dark. Dark. So very dark. The shilling ran out in the electric meter and Mum is gone. I don’t know where she is. I never know where she is. We haven’t got another shilling to put the lights back on and take the darkness away.

She came from out of the darkness and held me silently by the throat until I couldn’t breathe. If you hold someone tight enough around the throat it stops the air and then you pass out and then you die. She let go before I died but I couldn’t talk. The only sounds that would come out of my mouth were croaking, rasping grunts.

She said I sounded like a pig, grunting on the floor.

A pig, a pig, a grunting little pig. Grunt, grunt, little pig. Grunt, grunt. Piggy-pig. And she laughed at the grunting little pig. A pig is an animal with dirt on his face.

Grunt, grunt, grunt.

His shoes are a terrible disgrace.

Lying, grunting on the floor in the dark.

62

T
here is only one thing left to do. I am going to run away from home and Danny is going with me. We are going to live in the wild and kill animals to eat and sleep in a hidden shelter, which we will make out of branches and leaves and bracken. And we will steal milk and eggs from farms and make small campfires to roast a rabbit or a chicken, which we will shoot with a bow and arrow.

I told Danny that I am running away from home because my sister is trying to kill me and he said he was planning to run away from home too because his big brother keeps wanking on his bed. He told him to wank on his own fucking bed but he keeps doing it on Danny’s bed.

I said we needed to make a plan but Danny said there was no time like the present.

“That’s what my fucking dad always says. Mind you, he’s got a bad fucking back. My mum says he hasn’t had a job since before I was born. So he just sits around fucking smoking. It’s no wonder he says there’s no time like the present. He’s got fuck-all to do.”

We drew some diagrams of shelters and tried to think of things we would need but we decided that it might be better to just run away and then steal the things we need on our way to the woods. So our first stop was the Co-op but this did not go well. For a start, it would have been better if we had agreed on who would steal food and who would steal essential supplies such as matches and candles.

When we ran out of the Co-op, Danny had a packet of pork sausages, a packet of bacon, and some Swan Vesta matches. I had a packet of Trebor
Polo Mints and some Black Jack penny chews. I also had some dog biscuits but that is only because they were on a display by the front door as we ran out and obviously not because I thought they were essential supplies. And the reason we were running out the door and not walking is the manager saw Danny putting the bacon down his pants and he was trying to catch us but we were too fast for him. Danny thinks this is good news as it means that we are now fugitives and will be wanted by the police. So Danny is on the run and not just leaving home because his brother keeps wanking on his bed.

On the way to the woods, we found a small metal pot that was lying by a ditch, which we will use for boiling water or making a rabbit stew. Danny said it was a good decision to just steal things on the way and we didn’t even have to steal this pot because it was just lying there for anyone to pick up. But at this point, we haven’t got anything we can use to kill any animals like a bow and arrow. But we’ve got the packet of pork sausages and the bacon so we will be able to have a feast tonight around our campfire and shelter.

“Fucking you know what?”

“What?”

“We should become Blood Brothers. I saw it on a fucking episode of Bonanza.”

“Blood Brothers? OK.”

“Fucking brilliant. Here’s a sharp stone. Slash your wrist and I’ll slash mine and then we can bind our fucking wrists together with a vine and become fucking Blood Brothers forever.”

He made me go first and I admit I only made a small cut on my finger and did not slash my wrist but he wouldn’t do the same even though it was his idea in the first place. He did eleven practice strokes and then said he was thirsty and we should find a stream for some water to drink. It was only because he fell over and cut himself that we were able to bind my finger to his knee and swap our blood.

I am now a Comanche Blood Brother but I am not impressed with Danny.

This has wasted a lot of time and it is getting dark.

“Let’s start a fire.”

“Fucking brilliant. Let’s make it under that fucking tree and we can make a fucking shelter by that bush there!”

“Do you want to make the fire first or the shelter?”

“Fire, of course! I’m fucking starving! Fucking bacon and fucking sausages. Yum, fucking yum!”

We will not be cooking any bacon or sausages. It is best if you can find some dry leaves and twigs to start a fire and that is best when it has not rained the night before. And Danny suggested setting fire to the whole box of Swan Vestas to make a huge blaze that would light the wet twigs and leaves, just you fucking watch.

So we don’t have any matches now.

“Only one fucking thing for it!”

“What?”

“Fucking eat the whole fucking lot raw. Here’s a fucking sausage. Fucking eat it and then I’ll fucking eat one.”

We also had the mints, chews, and the dog biscuits. So we ate the mints and chews. And dog biscuits don’t really taste of anything but they help to fill you up while you dare each other to eat a raw pork sausage.

63

I
am very disappointed that no one called the police. No one even noticed I was missing even though it was dark when I got back home. We ate the raw pork sausages and they tasted of meat, all slimy and sticky, but they didn’t taste a bit like sausages. Then Danny said he didn’t feel very well and he vomited the sausages and dog biscuits back up and we went home.

I told Mum that I was now a Comanche Blood Brother and she said I could get blood poisoning and not to be so bloody stupid swapping blood with a boy like Danny who comes from a poor family and doesn’t even have any underpants. And then she said that what happened with Auntie Dot was extremely humiliating for her and I should learn how to defend myself and fight back.