The Boy Who Came in From the Cold (29 page)

A
S
G
ABEgazed at Todd across the table, he couldn’t help but wonder when he’d last seen anyone, anything, so beautiful. At first he’d only seen the sad and desperate side of the kid. He’d looked so vulnerable standing in that lobby a few days ago. When Todd had come up to his apartment, he’d seen that Todd was sexy under the scruffy.

Then, after Todd had cleaned himself up, Gabe saw the young man was better looking than he’d imagined. Stocky, but not fat. Truly big-boned. Nothing like the thin and effeminate Brett. When Gabe had seen Todd in that darkened living room, his shirt off and nipples erect, he’d gotten an almost immediate erection. Gotten? Hadn’t he already had one?

Then there had been that wild, impossible moment when he’d walked in on Todd on his Nordic, wearing those threadbare underwear and sporting a boner that stopped Gabe in his tracks. He remembered how it had felt when he’d once come upon some wild animal in a forest somewhere. When he was a kid, Gabe had gone with a friend’s family on a camping trip and happened on a deer with its baby. The doe had stared at him, all three of them frozen, for what seemed forever before she had sprinted off with her fawn.

With each passing hour, Todd had cast a spell on him. He was falling in love, he knew that. He knew he should stop this. He could get hurt. Badly. What if Todd were another Brett? He could be. He was sure now that Todd was gay, that the realization was coming. When it did, Todd would probably even turn to him to be his first. And in that way, there be dragons.

“Gabe? Why do you live in that building?”
“What?” Gabe asked, brought out of his thoughts.
“Now
you’re
doing it,” Todd said with a sweet smile. “Doing what?” Gabe asked, trying to catch up.
“Your mind is wandering.”
Gave felt himself blush. “Sorry. What were you saying?”

“I was asking why you live where you do. It’s not in the best neighborhood. There are much better buildings. It’s kind of run down. Not your apartment, of course. It’s frippin’ amazing. But the rest?”

“The Oscar Wilde?” Gabe shrugged.
You too?
he wondered.
Why did people always ask him that?
“You could afford so much better. Is it because there are so many gay people there?”

Gabe gave a slight nod. “Well. That’s part of it.”
“Why don’t you get your own house?”

Gabe nodded again. “Tracy is always asking me that. But she doesn’t get it.”
“Then tell me,” Todd said.

“It’s because….” Gabe took a deep breath. “I don’t want to find a house until I find
him
,” he said quietly.

“Him?” Todd asked.
“Him,” Gabe repeated. “The
one
.”

“The one?” Then Gabe saw the light dawn on Todd’s face. “Oh.
Him
.”

“I’ve seen people get together. Try to decide where to live. Which place to give up. Do they sell a house? If they both have one, do they both sell? What if one guy is really attached to his house? What if the other guy hates it? I don’t want that. When I find him, I want us to find a house together. So it’s more than a building made of wood or stone or brick. So it’s a home.
Our
home.” Gabe felt his eyes grow wet. “God. There I go again. Getting all romantic. I’m just a big overgrown schoolgirl, aren’t I?”

But to his surprise he saw that Todd’s eyes seemed to have grown misty as well. “I think it’s wonderful.”
“You do?” Gabe asked.

“I’ve heard buying a house is one of the most stressful things a couple can do. Worse than having a baby, even. But somehow, I bet it’s wonderful too. Finding that place where you both walk in and— wow!—you both know, just
know
, that this is it. This is that place.”

Gabe gave an excited nod. “Yes! Exactly. Stress or not, it’s got to be worth it. And it’s not like I gotta worry about the stress of a child.” Todd laughed. “Do you want one? A child?”

“You know, I don’t. I know a lot of gay couples that do. Then again I know a lot that would rather jump off the Empire State Building. I love other people’s kids, but I’ve never had that desire. I just want to take care of one person. And that is
him
.” He propped his chin on one upraised hand, elbow on the table. “What about you?”

He’ll still have that fantasy about having children. A lot of young gay men do. Still caught up in what our culture tells him he needs to do. Spread his seed.

“Not really,” Todd said, surprising him. “I thought about it, of course. When Joan and I played house as a kid, there were pretend babies. But, no. Maybe it’s my stepfather, you know? He always treated me like shit. And after graduation, I saw a bunch of the kids getting married. Most of them because they had to. Surprising how many of them had a baby nine months after prom. And I saw Joan watching me, and I realized that that was who I was going to marry. My childhood sweetheart. And the idea made me feel sick. And I don’t know why. She was one of my two best friends in the world. We grew up together. I loved her, you know? She was fun and silly and I loved her. But something changed when we started having sex. I don’t know. It wasn’t all it was supposed to be, and suddenly, we weren’t what we’d always been. Friends. There was this… I don’t know—Weight? Obligation? Something!—hanging over us. We’d started down a new path, and I would look where we were headed and I’d panic. I’d think about being trapped in that little town for the rest of my fucking life, married to her, never able to do what I really wanted to do.” Todd shook his head. “And then… then….”

“Then what?” Gabe asked.

Todd looked into his eyes, and Gabe all but fell into Todd’s. Eyes like the eyes of that doe in the woods. He saw something battling there. Todd was trying to make a decision.

“Todd,” he said, “you don’t have to say anything. But you can. You can tell me anything.” He reached out and placed his hand on Todd’s. Why not? Hadn’t Todd done the same thing to him? To his pleasure, Todd didn’t flinch in the least.

Todd let out a long shuddering sigh. “She cheated. With my best friend.”

Gabe froze. Gulped. Oh, God. Cheating. Did it ever stop? Todd looked up. “With my best friend! I had a key to his place. His grandparents’ place. His room. He lived in the basement and I had a key. Something happened, and I freaked and ran out on him. But then a few days later, I realized I had to talk it out with him. So I went over and let myself in, and there he was in bed with my girlfriend.”
“Shitfire,” Gabe said and closed his eyes. He opened them the instant an image began to form behind his lids.
Todd looked away, then turned back. “I… me and Austin. He was my best friend. We… we fooled around one night….”

Todd looked down, obviously embarrassed. Fooled around? Todd had fooled around with his straight best friend. God. As the world turns. He opened his mouth to tell Todd it was okay. That it was a story as old as time. Gay boys often fell for their straight best friends. But then he would be calling Todd gay, wouldn’t he? Maybe it was one of those times to just listen?

“Gabe… I… it was hot.” He started to look away again, and then with great effort (Gabe could see it almost bursting from his pores), Todd kept his eyes on Gabe’s face. “It wasn’t much. We… we were jerking off.” Gabe could see Todd’s face turn red, even in the light of the candle. He looked like he had a sunburn. “Helping each other. Then….” He gulped again. Snatched up the wine glass, started to upend it, and then stopped. Took a swallow. Placed the glass on the table.

You’re transforming every day, every minute
, Gabe thought. Then quietly—Gabe had to lean in to hear—Todd said, “He went down on me.”

 

Interesting, Gabe thought. Usually it was the other way around. Gay boy goes down on straight boy. Maybe Austin wasn’t so straight?

“I was cumming”—Todd’s voice dropped even more on that word—“in about five seconds. I’d never felt anything like…. It was so amazing and….” He paused again, wiped at his face. “Then he wanted me to do the same to him. And I freaked. I ran out.”

Gabe opened his mouth to tell Todd it was okay and once again decided to just listen. Todd would say what he wanted to say. What Gabe knew was that this was a big deal. Todd was sharing something very big and very important, and it was probably something he hadn’t told anyone else. Who could he tell? William Racine?

“I couldn’t sleep that night. Just thinking about how much better he was than Joan. How much hotter it was. He swallowed and didn’t bitch about it, and it was frigging amazing. And that made me panic. I dreamed about doing it back. Over and over again. But all I could think of was my stepdad telling me I was a faggot. I didn’t know what to do. I….”

Todd looked deeply into Gabe’s eyes. Todd’s were filled with so many emotions, Gabe found them hard to read. Pain? Confusion? Anguish? Anger? What? All of the above?
It’s okay, Todd
.

“Thing is, this was my best friend. I loved him, you know? Despite how silly he could be.”

A smile crept over Todd’s face, and Gabe marveled again at how sweet it was.
“We had such big dreams. He liked to act. He was always in the school plays. He was the star of our senior musical
Little Shop of Horrors
. And then he stared in the Community Theatre show about Huckleberry Finn?”

“
Big River
?” Gabe asked.
“Yeah. That’s it.” Todd chuckled. “He was so funny. We would laugh so much.” Then, on the tail of that, Todd sighed again. “I knew we had to work it out. Me and Austin. The last thing he said to me kept ringing through my head. He asked me to do what he did to me. He said he knew I wanted to.” Todd looked into Gabe’s eyes once more. “He actually said that. He said he knew it. I didn’t know it! How could he know such a thing? What had I done that made him think that? I asked myself that a thousand times.” Todd gave a laugh. A single “Ha!” that held no cheer.

“The thing is, Gabe, no matter what way I turned it over in my head, I realized I couldn’t deny it. I wanted to deny it. I wanted to deny it so bad.” Todd’s eyes turned huge then, wet. “But I couldn’t. So I finally got the courage to go over there and talk to him about it. I went over there figuring that before the evening was over, I was probably going to give my best friend a blow job.”

Gabe still didn’t say a word. There was nothing to say. Todd was saying it all. He wanted to assure the boy.
It’s okay
, he wanted to say.
It’s a part of that shitty thing called growing up.
Instead, he listened. Besides, he had to know what happened.

Todd’s eyes grew wetter.
This is when the waiter will come
, Gabe thought.
God, please don’t let him come. Let him know this isn’t the time. Please, let him know not to come.

“I didn’t, though,” Todd said. “Suck his cock?” He trembled. “I walked in to see Austin’s bare ass bobbing up and down as he humped my girlfriend. They didn’t even hear me, they were going at it so hard. I stood right there and watched until they came, shouting like monkeys. Then they finally saw me. You should have seen their faces. That’s when I ran. I mean if I ran before, I really ran then.”

Shitfire
, Gabe thought.
It never ever stops. The cheating.
Todd dropped his face into his upturned palms. Screwed them into his eyes.

“Joan kept calling, but I wouldn’t talk to her. Got my stepdad really pissed off, too, but I didn’t care. He hit me over my head, and I still wouldn’t talk to her. I wouldn’t read her notes. I never did. I don’t know if she was trying to tell me to fuck off, that she was happier with Austin. Or that she was sorry. I don’t know….”

Todd looked up through wet eyes and gave another strange laugh. “Because the thing was, I didn’t really care. All I felt was relief. It meant I wasn’t trapped. I had a way out! I could get away from her. I had the perfect excuse.” Todd took a drink of his wine, finished it, stared at the empty glass, placed it on the table. Then, as if teleporting, the waiter was there, filled the glass well past the level etiquette dictated, and was gone—as if vanishing into thin air.

Big tip. That guy was getting a
big
tip.

 

Todd really did give a laugh that time and took a swallow
way
bigger than etiquette dictated. “Sorry,” he said with a silly grin.

Despite himself, Gabe gave a laugh as well. What else could he do? “Don’tworry about it.”
“The bitch is, Austin didn’t call once. Not once. And that was it. I did a lot more than run away from his house. I ran period. When a week passed and he didn’t call once, I left. I finally left it all. Cleared out my bank, loaded up my van, and despite my stepdad telling me that if I left I couldn’t come back—like I wanted to, right?—I left. I even deleted my email account. Cut every tie I had to that hell hole I came from. I came to Kansas City. Only to have every dream I had not come true.”

Todd shook his head. “How’s that? I frigging ruined dinner.”

“You didn’t ruin dinner,” Gabe said, his heart filling with compassion. And more. Todd had shared something huge. Despite it all, all he could feel was closer to the boy. Not a boy. A man.

“Well, follow that with something if you dare,” Todd cried. “How about dessert?” Gabe asked and waved for the waiter. “Sugar always helps about this time, don’t you think?”

W
HENTodd told him he didn’t have room for anything, Gabe opted on one dessert to share—
Like two high school kids on a date
, thought Gabe. Then he berated himself for it.

Dessert was a huge scoop of white-chocolate ice cream, rolled in little broken chunks of white chocolate and then drenched in a hot fudge sauce that had surely been made by magical fairies. Todd told Gabe he thought he’d have an orgasm, it was so good, and then they both laughed uncomfortably, considering the previous conversation.

He’s shared something really, really important
, thought Gabe.
He’s done everything but admit he’s gay. He’s done everything but say (or understand?) why he’s yet to come out
. He was dealing with so much. This boy—no, man!—had had a year from hell.

“I really am sorry for ruining everything with the big story,” Todd said, wiping his mouth of the last vestiges of ice cream.