The Book of New Family Traditions (40 page)

Magic Doll Brings Something Back from Africa

In Eugene, Oregon, Do Mi Stauber and her partner, Trisha Whitney, observe Kwanzaa with their adopted African American daughter, Alex. The day after Christmas, they always take down the Christmas tree and put up a Kwanzaa table. Every day, they try to do something related to the principle of that day: On collective responsibility day, they might all bring in firewood. On creativity day, they make one another a homemade gift.

But Do Mi and Trisha wanted to add a special magical element when Alex was young, so on the last night of Kwanzaa, which is also New Year’s Eve, they would have her put her African doll, named Osa, on the Kwanzaa table. “In her lap, Alex would leave a traditional trading bead and a note Alex had written about something that makes her proud to be African American.” The idea was that the doll would travel to Africa while the girl slept and trade her bead for a present. In the morning, Alex would find a gift, such as a drum or push toy made in Africa.

How to Make a Kinara, a Kwanzaa Candleholder

Materials

You can use any recipe for non-toxic clay. This one comes from Arts and Crafts Recipes, a Klutz guide.

You’ll need:

2 cups baking soda

1 cup cornstarch

1¼ cups cold water

Paints

Paintbrush

Seven candles: three red, three green, and one black

Instructions

Mix the baking soda and cornstarch in a saucepan. Add water. Cook the mixture over medium-high heat, stirring constantly until it’s the consistency of mashed potatoes. Spoon dough onto a plate and cover with a damp cloth to cool. When cool, roll the clay into seven balls and attach them side by side. Stick the candles into the balls, then pull them out to leave seven holes. The clay will take up to two days to dry, and then you can paint your kinara. You might want to use the Kwanzaa colors of red, green, and black.

The Ritual

Place the black candle, for the African people, in the center, with the three green candles (for young people) and the three red ones (for struggle), on either side of it. The first night, light just the black candle and discuss the first principle, unity. The next night, light the black candle and one other and discuss the second principle, and so on, as follows: Second night, self-determination. Third night, collective work and responsibility. Fourth night, cooperative economics. Fifth night, purpose. Sixth night, creativity. Final night, faith.

Kwanzaa Website

You’ll get the straight story on all the traditions and origins of Kwanzaa by going to a site maintained by the holiday’s founder, African Studies professor Dr. Maulana Karenga, at OfficialKwanzaaWebsite.org. The site also sells books on the holiday and the wooden candleholder, called a kinara, used for the celebrations.

APPENDIX 1

Fifty Questions for the Dinner-Table Conservation Basket

See instructions on page 40 for using the basket.

If there were a holiday named after you, how would people celebrate?

Describe the most wonderful animal you’ve ever known.

Tell us something you learned recently that surprised you.

What can you do better than your parents?

If you had one special power, what would it be?

Who was/is your favorite teacher and why?

Where would you like to live someday?

If you could bring any imaginary creature to life, what would it be?

Tell a story about what would happen if you got to meet your favorite fictional character, someone from a book or TV show you love. What would you say? What sort of adventure would you have together?

What would you teach that character to do?

If you could invent a new flavor of ice cream, what would it be?

If this family had a theme song, what would it be?

Who is your best friend?

What would you like to know more about?

Is there someone you can’t stand (not in this family)? How would you change that person?

Which is your favorite season?

If you were a dog, what breed would you be and what would your name be?

If you won the golden ticket to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory, what sweet treat would you invent?

Name two countries you want to visit, and say why.

What is your favorite movie?

Who do you know who did something brave?

What’s the best thing about a beach?

If there were a television sitcom or cartoon about your family, what would it be called?

How do you make people laugh?

What makes you mad?

If you were a new product or device, how would the ads describe you?

Name something that you really wanted but didn’t get, and say how you feel about that now.

What do you do when you’re bored?

Make up a nickname for everyone at the table, including yourself. (Nothing mean.)

What would your personal robot do for you?

What can you do now that you couldn’t do a year ago?

What scares you?

What is your favorite movie pet?

Which character in Lord of the Rings (insert your favorite movie or book) is most like you?

Describe your dream house.

What do you like to smell?

What cheers you up when you are sad?

What is the best game ever invented?

If you could have dinner with any person in history, who would it be?

What or who makes you laugh?

Tell us about a dream you remember.

You just won the lottery—$1 million a year for life. What will change in your life? What will stay the same?

What is the single best thing about you?

How would you make the world better?

What do you love enough to save for your own children?

If you could relive any day of your life, which day would it be?

What bad habit do you wish you could break?

What stories do they tell about you as a baby?

What was the worst day of your life?

What is your definition of friendship?

If you could possess a talent or gift that you weren’t born with, what would it be?

Who inspires you?

APPENDIX 2

Gail Simpson’s Open Adoption Ritual
^*
1

Read the family’s story on page 146.

Giving and Receiving Ceremony Celebrating the Open Adoption of Sophie

Minister:

In our community we recognize life’s major events through ceremony. John, Susan, Mary (Adopting Father, Mother, and Sister), and Karen (birthmother) invite you all to join with them in marking the Giving and Receiving of this child, Sophie (baby), in open adoption.

Karen, would you pass Sophie to John, Susan, and Mary as a symbol of your choice to have them adopt her and raise her as their daughter and sister.

John, Susan, Mary, Sophie, and Karen invite those of you who are part of the adoption triangle to join them in the reading below. Any person who has adopted a child is invited to rise now and join John and Susan in the reading by the Adopting Parents.

Adopting Parents, Speaking to Birthparent:

We solemnly receive this child, accepting the unfathomable responsibility of parenting her, committing ourselves to the daily renewal of spirit needed to raise children with faith, hope, courage, dignity, wisdom, and humor.

We humbly receive this child, awestruck by the mysterious forces which delivered this particular child into our care.

We joyfully receive this child, anticipating the tender pleasure of our journey with her.

Minister:

All adopted children, young and old, are invited to rise now and join Nancy (an Adult Adoptee in the congregation), who will read, for Mary and Sophie, the reading by the Adopted Child.

Adopted Child to Birthparents and Adopting Parents:

I bring you together in this mysterious intersection of nature and nurture which is adoption. I am the music to which you will dance of love and loss for a lifetime. Dance well. My melody is the sweet yearning for life. Teach me the language of love from which to compose my lyrics.

Minister:

Any person who has given a child for adoption is invited to rise now and join Karen in the reading by the Birthparent.

Birthparents to Adopting Parents:

I give this child to be raised by you as your child.

She is a part of me

Whom I have nourished with my blood and spirit;

Whom I conceived in innocence of the awesome power her life would command;

Whom I have borne in the pain of fear, childbirth, and separation;

And in whom I rejoice, reveling in the miracle of my own creation and in the gift beyond measure which I now give to you.

Minister:

Will the rest of you please join me in reading the words of the Community?

Community to Adopting Parents:

Treasure this child’s life as you treasure your own. Act in Karen’s stead to provide the daily substance of nurture and love. In the fullness of time, let her know how love brought us together in this vulnerable moment of giving and receiving.

Community to Birthparents:

Go forth to fulfill the promise of your future, knowing that we celebrate your life and the story that you continue to create. We honor you as this child’s proud heritage.

All Sing: “Every Night and Every Morn”

(words, William Blake, ca. 1803; music, Ralph Vaughan Williams, 1911)

Every night and every morn,

Some to misery are born.

Every morn and every night,

Some are born to sweet delight.

Joy and woe are woven fine,

Clothing for a soul divine,

And through every grief and pine

Runs a joy with silken twine.

It is right, it should be so.

We were made for joy and woe.

And when this we rightly know,

Safely through this world we go.

Acknowledgments

This revised edition reflects nearly a decade of additional research and personal experience since the first edition in 2003. Many of the 150-plus new rituals in this edition came from subscribers to my newsletter who have shared their traditions with me over the years. I’m so grateful for their continuing support, and for trusting me with their family stories.

I don’t have space to list everyone I interviewed, but special thanks go to the mothers new for this edition who told me they were inspired to create their brilliant traditions after reading the earlier edition. That was a special thrill for me. These wonderful women include Stacy Louise Christopher, Jennifer Grant, and Karly Randolph Pitman. Thanks also to blogger Amanda Soule, whose SouleMama blog is a continuing source of inspiration.

Also, I circled back to some of the most creative mothers I interviewed for my two earlier books, and it turns out they had more rich rituals to share. These golden resources included Letitia Suk and Susan Vogt. As before,
Reunions
magazine editor Edith Wagner is the ultimate source on reunion rituals, and she continues to share her expertise freely. Thank you!