The Blue Line (21 page)

There was an atmosphere of suspicion at the Colegio Máximo de San José. Anna had to explain her case to a number of people before being allowed to talk to the prefect of the congregation. Everyone she spoke to confirmed that neither of the d'Uccello brothers had taken part in what they called a “spiritual retreat.”

“Give me some time to ask around,” the bursar told her. “I'll let you know if I find anything out.”

In the end the only thing Anna was able to ascertain was the itinerary of the
Donizetti
. The ship had set sail from Buenos Aires on June 26, 1976, and called at ports in Brazil and the Caribbean before returning to Genoa, where it had been sent to the shipbreaking yard the following year, as Mama Fina had already learned. The captain, Enzo Torricelli, was retired, and the passenger manifest wasn't available.

But a few weeks later she got a call from the bursar of the Colegio Máximo. “Come and see me,” he told her. “I have something for you.”

Anna realized as she walked into the bursar's office that she wasn't going to be told what she hoped to hear.

“I have some information that should interest you,” he announced, offering her a chair. “We think we've traced one of the d'Uccello brothers.”

Anna gripped the purse she'd just placed on her lap.

“Gabriel d'Uccello. We believe he was murdered four years ago.”

Reeling from the news, Anna walked out of the bursar's office not knowing which way to go. She could not believe such an atrocity had taken place so close to her. She knew the rumors, of course, but the description she had just heard was much worse than anything she could have imagined. She had no idea whether Julia knew.

Since her sister's departure, Anna had become aware of the
insidious fear that permeated the whole country. It was now taboo to mention Julia's situation. The fact that Julia had disappeared for so long, that she'd been arrested and then expelled from the country, was never mentioned at social gatherings, not even with very close friends. Besides, nobody in the family really knew what Julia had gone through during the months of her absence, and none of them dared to openly ask her about it.

Then Anna remembered Rosa. They had tried to help her when Julia was in prison. If Rosa was back in her right mind, she might turn out to be the only link left. She decided to go to the psychiatric ward in the Devoto prison. It was the only thing she could still do for her sister.

The guard who let her in looked astonished. “No one ever visits her, and today there are two of you!”

Anna turned and saw a young blond woman in a blue gingham dress sitting next to Rosa in the courtyard of the ward. She seemed to be talking to her very affectionately. Anna approached quietly, not wanting to interrupt them.

She heard the young woman say, “Rosa, it's me, Adriana. Tell me you recognize me.”

ANNA

Boreal Winter

1985

U
lysses had been in elementary school for several years when Julia received a long, thick envelope with a black border from Alice. Her friend left her so that Julia could read the letter privately.

Seated by herself in a café, Julia lacked the courage to open the envelope. For years she had refrained from asking questions because it was more bearable to live with a lie. Eventually she had come to the realization that Theo's silence couldn't be due to an administrative ban, since his status had been “legalized” in an official prison. She continued to write to Theo, for the letters were as much to herself as to him, and this rigor and discipline helped her stay the course, even if she no longer expected a reply.

Her diligence was rewarded, she felt, by the wonderful
version of Theo that Ulysses was turning into. True, he had the d'Annunzio features. Ulysses looked a lot like Julia's father and had inherited Mama Fina's transparent eyes. But he had Theo's character: proud, passionate, hungry for life.

No, she wasn't ready to read the letter. Not now, when she had to go to her job at the Institut Gustave-Roussy, and afterward rush to pick up Ulysses from school.

—

“Mom, I've got lots of homework!” Ulysses said, leaping into her arms.

Lost in thought, Julia kissed him.

“Will you help me?” Ulysses asked, clinging to her.

“I don't feel up to it right now, angel. Besides, my French isn't that good.”

“But it's math, and also I have to do a drawing. Please.”

“No, you don't need my help.”

“Come on, Mom!” Ulysses said, tickling her.

“Stop it! Everyone's looking at us,” Julia said, laughing. “All right, I'll do the drawing, but you must do the rest yourself.”

Ulysses skipped along, swinging his schoolbag.

“Mom, have you heard from Theo?”

“I've told you to call him Dad; he's your father.”

“But I've never seen him!”

“You've seen photos.”

“Mom!”

“No, I haven't heard from Theo.”

Without letting go of his bag, Ulysses gave his mother a big bear hug and looked up at her.

“So why are you making that face, Mom?”

“I got a letter.”

“From Theo?”

“No.”

“Do you want us to read it together?”

“No, love. I think I'd rather read it alone.”

The boy began to play a game with one of his pencils as he walked along. He stopped short outside a bakery, where the baker was placing trays of piping-hot golden brown galettes in the window. Julia looked at Ulysses, pretending to be cross, and went into the bakery.

“And a chocolate croissant too!” Ulysses shouted.

—

That night, when everything around her was silent, Julia went to sit on the floor in a corner, next to the bed where Ulysses still slept with her.

The letter was from her father. She could hear his voice as she read the carefully penned words. She had been expecting the worst. But not this.

In a way, news of Theo's death, however harrowing it might be, was the event she had been bracing herself for all these years. She knew she would have to face up to the truth one day. But in her headlong rush into the future, she had decided to live her life choosing to believe that Theo was still
being held in the Unidad 9 prison in La Plata. And yet things had changed. The election of Alfonsín
*
a year and a half earlier had put an end to the dictatorship and, inevitably, to the lie. Julia understood her family would be forced to tell her the truth. And in her heart of hearts she knew it would come as a relief.

But not this. The shock made her numb. The words began to dance in front of her eyes, as if she had suddenly forgotten what the letters signified. She had to reread her father's letter out loud before she could take it in. She had been completely unprepared for Mama Fina's death.

Unable to slow her racing heart, she wondered why she couldn't cry. Even as her mind began to function again, her heart remained frozen. Mama Fina was too present in her life. She couldn't have gone without telling her. Ever since Julia had arrived in France, her life had been punctuated by Mama Fina's visits. She was her rock. Julia felt like she was falling from a cliff.

“Mom? Mom!”

Ulysses' voice woke her. It was morning and she was still sitting at the foot of the bed, her eyes swollen, her body convulsing.

“Mom, what's the matter?”

Julia flapped the letter she was still holding.

“It's Mama Fina,” she said, choking back sobs. “She died last week.”

The child looked at her, frightened.

“And Theo?” he asked.

Julia blinked helplessly. “Theo?”

“Yes, Theo!” Ulysses repeated. “Is he dead too?”

“But that's got nothing to do with it, my angel,” Julia answered, standing up with an effort.

Ulysses looked her up and down, his eyes filling with tears.

“Yes it does! You always say Mama Fina's going to find him.”

Julia sat down on the bed, closed her eyes, and hugged Ulysses tight.

“Oh, sweet angel! I'm so sorry.” She stroked his hair. “We'll find him, you and me, I promise.”

—

The family sent Anna on a special visit at the end of the summer. Paris was very hot. One afternoon Julia took her sister for a stroll through one of the old neighborhoods in the city. From the Marais they ended up by the river in search of slightly cooler air. They sat down in the shade of a chestnut tree on the banks of the Seine, admiring the view of the succession of bridges. Anna slipped off her shoes and dangled her feet above the water. Seated beside her, Julia seemed happy.

“Maybe it's time you found yourself a boyfriend,” Anna said without thinking.

Julia burst out laughing. “Do I look like a spinster?”

“That's just it. You don't.”

Julia shot Anna an enigmatic look. “I have male friends.”

“I'm sure you do. But I'm talking about having a man in your life.”

“Hmm. I still find it hard.”

Anna slipped her hands under her thighs, her body tense.

“Julia, you know Theo's not coming back.”

“I don't know, actually. You all lied to me for ten years.”

“Stop it,” Anna interrupted. “Dad and Mom thought they were doing the right thing. And you weren't fooled for long.”

“I don't know about that. Maybe I'm still waiting for him.”

“Listen, Julia. Mama Fina and I searched everywhere. We pursued every possible lead.”

“But if he was dead Mama Fina would have sensed it, and she would have told me.”

Anna heaved a sigh, took her sister's hand, and looked her straight in the eye.

“Julia . . .” She broke off, bit her lip, then added: “But I don't know if I should. I decided I would never tell you.”

Julia pressed her to continue. “It's too late now, Anna. You've started, so you have to finish.”

“It might hurt you, Julia.”

Julia hugged her knees and turned to face Anna. “Right. Tell me whatever it is you need to tell me, Anna. I'm hurting anyway, and I've been hurting for too long.”

She leaned in close to Anna and added gravely: “You don't have a right to hide this from me.”

Anna blew a lock of hair off her forehead and threw her head back. “This was several years ago,” she began. “Rosa was still in the psychiatric ward at Devoto. No one ever went to visit her except Mom and me.”

She paused and then continued: “But the first time I went, there was someone else there.”

Julia sat stock-still, hanging on Anna's every word.

“It was a young girl. I thought she must be a cousin, someone in her family. But when I got closer, I heard her asking Rosa if she recognized her. She said she'd been in Castelar too.”

A shiver went through Julia.

“I acted straightaway. I thought she could tell me something. So I introduced myself. I said I was your sister. But as soon as I said your name, she got up to leave. She was like you are now: trembling, pale.”

Julia seized her sister's arm. “Was it Adriana?”

“Wait, let me speak.”

Julia made an effort to control herself.

“I told her that if she left, I would follow her. The guard came to see what was up. We both sat down again next to Rosa as if nothing was the matter. That was when she made me promise I wouldn't tell anyone I'd seen her, not even you.”

“But . . . why? I don't understand. So it wasn't Adriana?”

“Yes, it was Adriana. But she was scared to death. She told me that if the military found her, they would kill her. I asked her what she was doing in Devoto in that case—she'd walked
straight into the lion's den. She gave me to understand that she'd changed her identity and that Rosa was one of her alibis.”

Julia jumped to her feet, twisting the belt of her dress in her hands.

“My God, didn't you ask her where Theo was?”

“Of course I did. That was my reason for being there!”

“And?”

“She didn't want to give me any details, but she pleaded with me to convince you not to think of him anymore. She said that you have to forget him. She was crying as she spoke, Julia.”

Anna had stood up too. She tried to move closer to her sister, who stepped away.

“I don't know what happened to Theo, Julia. But I do know what happened to Gabriel. I found out from the Jesuits. Mama Fina told me you knew. You can imagine . . .”

“I don't want to imagine any longer! I've been imagining for the past ten years!” Julia shouted.

Anna tried to take Julia in her arms.

“Don't touch me, Anna. You don't understand. I have to know what happened to him.”

“But . . . what happened to him is what happened to thousands of other young Argentines. He died in one of the secret camps during the dictatorship. That's all you need to know. As for the rest, the details . . .”

“But that's exactly it, Anna! I want the details. I want to know who killed him, how, where. Theo is not a statistic. He's
the father of my child, the man I love. I want to know everything! Everything!”

Anna just stood there, a crushed expression on her face.

“And Adriana? Why didn't you give me her address, her new identity?”

Anna was fighting back tears so hard she could barely speak. She managed to whisper: “Julia, I'm so sorry. She didn't want me to know. I lost track of her.”