The Blood Solution (Approaching Infinity Book 3) (22 page)

Jav’s dreams of Mao had become more intense and increasingly explicit. At first, he had been thrilled by the simple act of spending time with her, being physically close, stealing a kiss. During that stage, while he dreamt, a veil of obscurity blurred the line defining where Mai ended and Mao began. Soon, though, he knew even in his dreams that Mao had clearly taken Mai’s place, and somehow this didn’t bother him—Mao looked so much like Mai had before she died. He felt guilty for betraying Mai, for the fact that it was with her sister, for having feelings for someone he’d known as a child, but in the end, he couldn’t ignore his need for her. He hated himself for it, but couldn’t—and more importantly,
wouldn’t
—refrain from indulging himself in the thought of having her. Mao had become solace to him, for Mai’s absence or for something else, larger and beyond his grasp perhaps, but she was comfort and all he knew was that he needed her.

For a long time, the dreams had brightened his mood and made him happy. Now, though, they were the source of frustration. While he slept and dreamt, he could have her, but on waking he always knew that it wasn’t real, that his fulfillment was hollow. He went back and forth, thinking that thoughts of her, while wrong, were sufficient, that he couldn’t actually take steps to see about making their relationship real. He had no idea what she thought of him, if she might consider the idea of them together, or if she would be repulsed by the idea of her sister’s former lover making advances.

He wanted to contact her, but what would he say? Would it really be so wrong to see if something might be possible between them? Yes, but it wouldn’t be unusual for him to simply get in touch with her. They had been close on Planet 1287 and it had been a year since he’d seen her last. The long-range jump relays had been established early, months ahead of schedule, so it was possible. He had to talk to her, if only to banish the idea once and for all. . . Or pursue it.

Jav’s palms were damp. He paced back and forth within his narrow quarters. He was trying to talk himself out of making the call, his personal reasons far too insignificant to justify putting a load on the new and incomplete relay network. He sat down heavily on his neatly-made bunk. He wrung his hands before covering his face with them and then running them through his close-cropped hair. He stood abruptly and stepped to the middle of the room.

“Access relay network.”

A holographic screen one meter wide by a half meter tall snapped to life before him.

“Contact. Planet 1043, residence Chekkai, extension Pardine.”

There was a pause, then jags of static rolled across the screen.

“Yes?” Mao’s voice preceded her face filling the virtual window to Planet 1043. “Jav!” she cried, beaming.

Jav stood before the jump deck, next to the lone attendant. To all appearances he was composed and patient, but his stomach was knotted with anxiety. He still wondered if this was really all right. He’d casually suggested to Mao in the course of their conversation that she come out to the new Palace, and she’d leapt at the idea. He then approached Minister of Affairs Witchlan with the request and had been surprised by the ease with which the Minister had given his approval. He’d even seemed to be smiling, if Witchlan could be said to smile. Jav and Mao both had been surprised by how fast transport could be arranged.

Jump ship travel was still a ways off, but rerouting an internal personnel jump deck and manually managing the relays could effect transport of a small amount of mass, a petite young woman for example, for the time being. Witchlan had said that the method would be a good temporary measure until more relays could be established. He even thanked Jav for the idea as a way to potentially raise morale. This way, vacations anywhere in the Empire could be arranged for the battle-weary Shades, or as in Jav’s case, people or items of interest could be brought to the Palace straight away without any unnecessary or overly lengthy wait.

“Both sides are ready, sir,” the attendant said.

Jav nodded. He looked nervously between the attendant’s hands at the controls and the deck itself, but in an instant, Mao Pardine was standing close enough to reach out and touch.

She was as petite and slim as ever. She wore a pastel blue sweater that looked several sizes too big for her—but which somehow couldn’t hide her lithe figure—and beige pants that came halfway down her well-developed calves. Her face was fresh and intelligent, framed by lazy black curls that hung to just above her shoulders. Jav found her exceedingly attractive now that she was standing right before him, more so than he ever remembered. To him she looked exactly like Mai.

His heart had stopped. Dreams were dreams, but when reality rivaled, or even exceeded, the bar set by the imagination, what could anyone do except acquiesce to fate? No. That’s not why she was here. Well, he would continue to tell himself that, anyway, so long as any sense of decency, however tenuous or even false, remained in him.

He stood there, unable to move, but it didn’t matter. She was already clinging to him, having leapt from the deck as soon as she was able. She raised her head from his chest, looked up at him, and he had to actively fight an urge to kiss her mouth—Mai’s mouth. Instead, he returned her embrace, effortlessly carried her pressed against him with one arm, bent to take her luggage with his free hand, thanked the attendant, and left with her.

Jav took Mao straight to her accommodations. They fell to talking immediately, and before they knew it, several hours had passed.

“I can’t believe Ren is dead,” Mao said. “I remember hearing about Gast, Kimbal Furst, and the rest, but your trip to this planet sounds like it was a nightmare.”

Jav nodded somberly. “A lot of people died.”

“Too bad Laedra Hol wasn’t among them.” She rummaged through the remains of the food they’d had delivered, stacking some slices of meat and cheese together, and popping the result into her mouth.

Jav snorted. “You may not want to hear this, but we would have lost a lot more if not for her. She had one of the highest kill rates with the Gun Golems.”

Mao shrugged, unimpressed. “I’m not surprised.” She grinned then and leaned closer to Jav across the too-small table at which they sat, a few of her stray curls tickling his cheek briefly. “I bet yours was right up there with hers, though.”

She hovered there for an instant before resuming her position in her chair, but in that instant, Jav felt his stomach tighten, adding to an ache further down. Her perfect skin, the music of her voice, the bright, playful smile she wore, the bounce of her short, wavy hair—he couldn’t remember ever smelling anything quite so intoxicating: all of it assaulted him at point blank range. And it was still only her first day here at the Palace.

The first of potentially many. She’d learned all that Chun Chekkai could teach her—and innovated a number of her own techniques, incorporating Approaching Infinity principles into the Eight Elbows style—but despite her superior skill, she was not eligible to take over the school when Chekkai retired, so she was essentially free. Her tentative plan was to stay at the Palace for a month, but Jav didn’t think he had the strength to endure a week—or even the night, if he wasn’t careful.

He breathed out a broken laugh and shook his head, uncharacteristically flustered. Soon they would part. He would go embrace a dream while the reality lay within easy reach on the bed in this very room, not two steps away.

“Are you all right?” she asked.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine,” he said, searching for an excuse. “Everything’s been so strange lately, though. The trouble Raus and I had up north, almost dying and being saved by the Ritual Mask again.” He suddenly thought of Anis Lausden and was ashamed. He lowered his eyes and had difficulty meeting Mao’s thereafter.

Mao nodded. “One nightmare after another. You need someone to look after you, Jav.”

“Maybe so,” he said absently. “Hey, it’s getting late. You’re probably tired. Let’s say good night and have an early start tomorrow. Well, I’ll need to attend the morning briefing, but it shouldn’t take too long. I’ll come get you when I’m finished and you can see the extent of the respect I have for the Eight Elbows style.” He felt utterly foolish saying what came next. “You know, I lost my sparring partner in transit—well all of them, except Vays, I guess. There
is
a vacancy, though, if you’re looking for a job.”

She put her index finger to her chin in mock consideration. “Hmm. Let’s see just how far your respect goes and then we’ll talk.”

“Fair enough,” he said, smiling.

He eased his chair back and stood, straightening his gray pullover. Mao stood as well and wrapped her arms around him.

“Thank you, Jav,” she said, her face pressed against his chest. “It means a lot to me that you called, that you invited me, and that I’m here. I’ve missed you so much and am really looking forward to spending some time together.”

His first impulse was to return her embrace, but the stirring in his pants brought on by her touch might be impossible to explain to her. He was cautious, too, of not simply hearing what he wanted to hear. Of course she missed him. They had been close, spending five years together training in the Eighteen Heavenly Claws. He’d been like a brother to her. An
older
brother at that.

He took her by the shoulders and held her at arm’s length, hopeful that nothing was too amiss with his appearance down below his waist. “You’re welcome. And thank you for coming. I’ve missed you, too, Mao. We’re like family.” Family? Why did he say that? Of course they were like family, but that was simultaneously the most important thing to consider and the last thing he wanted to think about. “We’ve got plenty of time to catch up. Get some sleep now.”

She reached up and kissed him on the cheek. It was quick, fleeting, but moist—and dangerous.

It took all of Jav’s self-control to maintain his composure and not take her right then and there. He managed a smile, which looked easy enough, and to tousle her hair—so thick and soft!—before turning safely away. “See you in the morning,” he said, exiting.

Jav walked the corridor to the personnel jump deck, arrived at the Shades’ apartments, and was in his own tiny quarters within minutes. He sat down on the bunk and forced himself to breathe, slow and long.

He didn’t remember, but guessed that this was how it was when he’d gone through puberty. Shouldn’t he be past that at his age, with his body accustomed to 25 standard gravities and host to two of the Emperor’s Artifacts? He shook his head in disbelief and frustration. He looked at the time: 2113. Not so late, but if he could manage it, sleep might be good. He would either have a chance to allow his body to relax or he would get some satisfaction from the dreams that would come.

It turned out that the dreams did in fact come. Jav wasn’t sure if that was good or bad, but he felt something akin to physical relief. He felt like he’d regained some ground and not like he was ready to burst, which was good. The more he thought about it, though, the more he saw things with Mao going in one direction and one direction only. He didn’t think he could stop himself, but at the same time he didn’t want to jeopardize the relationship he already
did
have with her.

He frowned throughout the morning briefing, thinking only of Mao and how he might come to terms with his feelings for her in a way that would work for them both. The briefing was all schedule and quota information, anyway, nothing he couldn’t live without. Recently, that’s all there was. He was listening carefully enough to learn that they would not be able to acquire sufficient resources from this system to rebuild the Grans, which added to his already cheerless mood. The Empire had suffered so much in so short a period of time, but then who mourns the fallen predator?

As they were finishing, he noticed Kalkin staring at him with an unusual look on his face, a look that seemed to be there a lot lately, if Jav’s imagination wasn’t getting the better of him.

“Why are you looking at me like that? First Specialist, sir,” Jav said, emphasizing the title that he almost never used.

“Like what?” Kalkin said.

Jav narrowed his eyes. “You’ve got a silly grin on your face.”

“No, no. I gave up silly grins a long time ago. They’re a thing for youth and innocence and for those who can afford them. Not me. You, on the other hand, you’ve got a visitor, I hear.”

Jav’s breath caught in his throat. No. There was no way Kalkin could possibly know what Jav had been thinking over the last few months. Telling Raus was one thing, but Kalkin knew Mao, had known Mai. Jav’s mood darkened further. He felt awful: unclean and infected with corruption.

“Whoa, easy Jav. I’m not accusing you of anything,” Kalkin said. He placed a hand on Jav’s shoulder as they exited the personnel jump deck that led from war room and directed him several meters down the corridor. Raus, just behind them, took the cue to leave them be for the time being and waited at the deck.

“Jav,” Kalkin said, so that only the two of them could hear, “no one knows anything about who you were before you joined us on 1397, but I think I know you as well as anyone
can
know you. I’ve watched you rise up from the bottom, suffering bullies, persevering through physical hardship and personal loss, learning and mastering one of the most difficult martial arts known to the Empire. Few people impress me, but you do. In fact, I can think of only one other person I would put into the same category. I’ll tell you about him sometime.

“What I’m trying to say is that I trust you, I respect you, and that I think you are your own worst enemy. I’m quite certain that I’m crossing a line here by saying this, but I’m your boss, so I’m entitled. I don’t know what, if anything, is going on between you and Mao Pardine. That’s between the two of you, two adults capable of making your own decisions. Just know that there’s nothing wrong with or unusual about seeking comfort in familiar places, in people you love and who love you. Whatever happens, it’ll be right.