The Binding (Chronicles of Azaria #1) (26 page)

At last we parted. I rested against Ryan
’s shoulder, panting. The rush lingered in my veins, and I closed my eyes, drinking in his smell, his body heat. I hadn’t realised how much I’d wanted this. How much more I still wanted.

Wait,
had
I wanted this? It was the curse making me want it, surely. But Ryan, what was he trying to say? If he wasn’t affected by the Binding like me, then…did that mean…?

“I love you, Eliza.”

CHAPTER NINETEEN

‘His tender gaze never left her, even while she lay tucked in the embrace of sleep...’

—
Tale of the Binding

I didn’t move for a long while. The Binding still had me in its grip, despite its massive victory, while inside my emotions warred. And it was a pretty bloody battle, as for the first time I wasn’t sure which feelings were mine and which were the curse’s.

Ryan loved me, and I had no idea how to respond. It wasn
’t that I didn’t harbour
any
feelings for him; it was just I couldn’t judge how far those feelings extended. He was a friend, I’d concede that much, but whatever else drew me to him was a result of the spell. No matter what we’d been through, or what I owed him, I could never say I loved him back.

The words would never come from my heart.

Besides, even without that confusion, how could he love me? I’d lied to him from the start! I wasn’t the person he thought I was; like he wasn’t the person
I
thought
he
was. He was throwing words around out of guilt. Knowing I was stuck, trying to make me feel less isolated because I was compelled and he wasn’t.

My doubts proved stronger than the curse, and I withdrew from Ryan. He held on, not wanting to let go.

“Ryan, I’m sorry.” I pushed his arms away and took a step back. I might as well have driven a knife into his chest, the way his face fell. I felt like a monster. But loving him out of pity would be as bad as giving in to the Binding.

I couldn
’t win.

“Is that all you have to say, after everything we
’ve been through?” Ryan asked, grasping my wrists. “After all we’ve done for each other?”

I sighed, ashamed to meet his eyes. Cruel as it was to act like this, Ryan needed to understand. He was being childish. We barely knew one another, had kept secrets from each other. Fairly major secrets, too. Yet after a few weeks of travelling, he
’d come out with his feelings like that.

He didn
’t know what he was saying.

“How does any of that mean anything?” I said. “How can you think about me in that way when I
’ve not spoken a word of truth to you?” I eyed him darkly. “You don’t know a thing about me. And until today I knew the same amount about you.”

Ryan drew me closer again. Much as I wanted to shake him off, I couldn
’t. The Binding—and my guilt—wouldn’t let me.

“I don
’t have to know your past to know you,” he said. “The things we told each other might have been false, but the journey we shared wasn’t. After I was shot at the aqueduct, you went out of your way to make sure Cielo and I were taken care of, when you didn’t have to.” His breath tickled my cheek. “Your quick thinking helped us catch Will, and your faith in his innocence spared him an unfair punishment.” He leant his brow against mine, and my eyes closed. Stay calm, stay calm… “You showed me your strength when you faced the shrine ruins alone, and proved your determination by challenging Aronzo at the lake. You even found the courage to tell me the truth, when you could’ve led me on until we reached Viens.” He kissed my forehead. “You can’t say any of those were a lie.”

I remained silent, adrift in a torrent of mixed feelings. The Binding urged me to curl up in his embrace, to lose myself in his scent and surrender to his lips again
; however, my own thoughts begged me to turn away. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t deny there was something between Ryan and me, but what? It was the curse!

It had
always
been the curse…

Ryan sighed, and broke contact. A sharp pain crackled in my chest. The Binding was furious.

“This was the reason I was researching,” he muttered, striding over to the pillars. He leant against the ivory column, his back facing me. “So many people have suffered because of this unfair spell. My mother, your sister, now us. And though I’ve told you how I feel, it’s not enough for you.”

I stepped forward.

“Ryan, I didn’t…”

Ryan turned around, his green eyes intent. Whatever response was on my lips died. He was the spitting image of his father when he stared like that. It chilled me. Fortunately it didn
’t last long, and his gaze softened.

“If there was a way to free you from the magic,” he said, choosing his words carefully, “would you want to find it?”

I rolled my eyes.

“Ryan, I
’ve been down this road before. There’s no way out of a Binding.”

“But if there was,” Ryan persisted, “you
’d want to know. Right?”

I hesitated, unsure why he was so insistent. Of course I wanted to be free to make my own decisions about who I would love. Who wouldn
’t? But indirectly that also meant I didn’t want to be with Ryan. Which I didn’t. Well, not because the curse was telling me to be with him, anyway. Yet that didn’t mean I wanted him out of my life forever, and I didn’t want him to think I’d outright rejected him. Because I hadn’t.

But was it the spell driving that feeling, or my own curiosity?

Ugh, this was so confusing!

“Maybe,” I said. “Regardless, it
’s a moot question. Don’t think you can get me out of this with a far-fetched promise.”

“Who
’s to say it’s far-fetched?” Ryan stepped back to the bench, fingering his necklace. “I found the Goddess Jewel. If this can resist a Binding, there must be other ways to break the spell, too.”

“What are you suggesting?”

Ryan took my hand.

“Let me help you,” he said. “Help you find a way to remove your Binding.”

“Eh?”

“You
’ll never believe my feelings so long as the magic has you,” Ryan went on. “And it won’t let you trust your own. So give me a chance. Let me find a way to free you, and I can prove what you mean to me.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” I pulled back, frowning. “Have you forgotten already? How many people in the past have tried the same thing? How many people are still trying
now
, only to discover they can’t escape their Bindings?” I shook my head. “You were very, very lucky, Ryan. That kind of good fortune doesn’t strike twice. Besides, the jewel only protects you. It’s not going to grant any more wishes.”

“That may be, but…”

“And where in the Goddess’s name would you start?” I continued. “Where would you look? Heck, would you even know what to be looking for?” I glanced to the gardens. “That’s just for starters. I’m betting your father won’t be thrilled to let you out of his sight again, and Navinka’s not going to let you slip away, either.” I wrested free of his hold. “You need to get your head out of the clouds. I’m stuck with you and there’s nothing we can change.”

“What else is there to do?” Ryan shot back. “You can
’t stay with me here, and there’s no way I’ll let you turn into an Unbound. We’re not going to lose anything by trying, so what’s the harm? We can go to Begara, check the other shrines...”

“Don
’t pretend you’re giving me a choice,” I scoffed. “The Binding’s got me on an invisible leash, and you’re in charge of it. You can drag me all over Azaria, hoping we’ll stumble upon an answer one day. Until you grow tired, see how empty your promises were, and leave me to lose my mind.”

“Eliza, I
’d never…”

“You ran away from Navinka readily enough.”

Ryan didn’t answer right away. Instead he gripped my hand again. My fingers involuntarily curled around his. Goddess, let me go!

“You want the same thing,” he said. “You want to escape your fate, even when
my
feelings are genuine, and not prompted by some spell.”

I dropped my gaze. His words did strike close, yet he was making the situation too simplistic. He could explain his feelings
‘til the hellersbirds flew home, but when
I
couldn’t see where mine lay, anything I might have reciprocated would be a lie. It wouldn’t be any different from a real Binding.

And he was an idiot if he thought he could find a quick fix so easily…

Someone cleared their throat from the shadows. Yelping, I leapt into Ryan’s arms. His embrace tightened, and I got a sharp breath of his tantalizing scent. Great, like this wouldn’t send conflicting messages.

The unseen person stepped into the light, and flung back his hood.

“Nice and cosy, are we?” Adam said, slicking back his sweaty hair. “I didn’t think it was that cold.”

My heart swelled with relief. Thank the Goddess, he
’d escaped the guards! Then I realised my current position. Blushing furiously, I disengaged from my Bound partner. Ryan watched, torn between resentment and concern. Adam glared right back. A painful silence descended, so I gave a nervous cough.

“What happened to the guards?” I asked.

Adam shifted his gaze.

“Oh, you don
’t need to worry about them,” he said. “Had more trouble finding out where you’d got to, ‘til I heard you talking.”

I cringed. He must
’ve heard the whole exchange.

“How long have you been waiting there?” Ryan asked.

“Long enough,” Adam said. He sat on the bench, resting his elbows on his knees. “So, you’re planning to break the spell for Eliza as well?”

He sounded hopeful. I clenched my fist, tempted to smack his head into Ryan
’s. Had the two of them lost their minds? What would it take to convince them there was no way to undo the past! A Binding was final, irreversible, inescapable…

Except, a tiny voice in my head said, Ryan had shattered those preconceptions and freed himself.
Twice
, as though I was Bound to him, he still avoided the spell’s influence. Navinka, too, had not succumbed to the fate of an Unbound, despite a four-month separation.

Maybe it was still too early to give up entirely.

Ryan took a breath, about to explain everything again, when a voice bellowed through the manor. Adam bolted to my side, ready to drag me into the shadows. Ryan watched the windows, eyes narrowed.

“Aronzo
’s looking for me,” he said. “If I don’t go back, he’ll get the guards searching.” He nodded to the hedge maze. “You can hide in the stables. They’re just past the gardens.” His eyes told me this conversation wasn’t over. “Think about what I’ve said, Eliza.”

Hmph, like I had a choice anyway.

“Yeah, yeah,” I mumbled. “Come on, Adam.”

I grasped his arm and led the way through the maze. The curse screamed at me to turn back, so I stepped up my pace. Adam winced, lengthening his strides to keep up. It was then I noticed dried blood on my fingers. I withdrew my hand, and spotted the graze on his forearm.

“What happened?”

“Eh, got a little close to one of the guards,” Adam said. “It
’s stopped bleeding. It’s fine.”

“Why didn
’t you say anything?”

Adam snorted.

“You were a bit pre-occupied.”

Cheeks flushing, I looked away. He must have seen me kiss Ryan. Absently
, I licked my lips, the memory crystal clear. My heart fluttered, recalling the warmth of his cheek, his overpowering scent, the tender caress of his mouth against mine…

I shook my head. Damn it, the Binding would haunt me with this one forever!

For the rest of the way I kept quiet, focusing on the path. The grass turned to cobbles, and we entered a stable yard. Cielo was no-where to be seen, and my heart sank. I’d started to miss him. The lone watchman lay slumped against a barn, snoring beneath some furs. We tip-toed around him, sneaking into the stall furthest away, then collapsed onto the hay.

I hitched Adam
’s sleeve up. A superficial tear had been scored along the skin. Sighing, I took him to the water trough and began cleaning the graze. Adam hissed.

“Ow, that
’s cold!”

“Quit being such a baby,” I whispered back. “Be glad you don
’t need stitches.”

Content I
’d washed off the blood and there was nothing concerning about the wound, I rolled Adam’s sleeve down again.

“Good job, Healer Bryant,” Adam said, resting his arm around my shoulder. “Thanks.”

“Healer Bryant junior,” I corrected. Thoughts of Father brought a lump to my throat, and I fell silent. Velwall was just a day’s ride away, yet he would have no idea I was so close. I longed to see him again, and Mother, too. Just to let them know I was safe, that they needn’t worry about me. Although it would devastate them if they found out I’d been Bound to Lord Glenford’s son.

I yawned, glancing to the stars outside. Much as I wanted to believe Ryan
’s promise, I knew it would only lead to disappointment. I’d been far too naïve to think I could find a way to escape. That realisation had stung enough back in Lanaran. I didn’t want to trust in a false hope and waste years of searching to go through that heartache again.