The Best Goodbye (11 page)

Looking into her eyes last night had been my undoing. I’d had to get the hell out of that house. Get some distance. I’d been so close to dropping to my knees and begging her to forgive me. Which might have been the best thing I could have done. But I’d been so emotionally raw I hadn’t been sure I could say much more.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket again to look at the simple text she’d sent, just so I could see her name on my screen.
Addy.
My chest constricted, and I took a shallow breath. She was here. This was real.

I had lain awake so many nights, imagining what our life would be like now if I’d only been there to protect her. She was my ultimate reason in life for fighting. Every battle I fought, every wrong I righted, had been for her.

But for what? She had withdrawn from me. I had let her down. I’d killed the guy she once knew. This was me now. It was all I had left. And I’d never be enough for her. She deserved so much more.

I had been out seeking justice for others while the one person in the world I’d ever loved or cared about was struggling to make it.

I wasn’t going into work until Addy called. I couldn’t. Standing on my boat, holding my phone close to me, waiting for her next text, was all I could do.

Eleven years ago

My parents had been screaming at each other for more than an hour. I held Addy in my arms as we lay on her bed, quietly listening. We both wanted my dad to do something, but he never did. It didn’t stop us from hoping, though.

When the door slammed, my mother’s sobs grew louder, and I thought we would be in for a fight, but then she screamed, and the door slammed again as she went after him. We were alone now. The silence in the house was as peaceful as it got around here.

“Do you think she should be driving?” Addy whispered, even though no one was in the house to hear us.

“No, but I can’t stop her,” I replied. I probably could, but that meant bringing her back into the house and making Addy a target. I wasn’t willing to do that.

“He’s not coming back, is he?” she asked, and there was fear in her tone. We both knew that if this went to court, Addy would be taken out of our home and sent somewhere else. I wouldn’t let them take her from me. Who knew what kind of situation she’d land in next? At least here, she had me.

“No, but I’m not letting anyone take you,” I assured her.

She snuggled closer to me and tilted her head up to press a kiss to my jawline. “I love you,” she said softly.

“I love you, too. Always,” I replied. And I meant it. I’d love her forever.

“Promise?” she asked

“Swear to God.”

That made her smile, and I loved making her smile. “Will you sleep in here with me?”

My answer was always yes. “Yeah, nowhere else I’d rather be.”

She moved her hands up to squeeze my arms tightly. “Kiss me, please.”

Again, another request I’d never turn down.

Her lips were so soft it made me want to be careful with them, but she always pressed harder, deepening our kisses, until I forgot to treat her like she was fragile. Her hands slid up my chest, as she grabbed fistfuls of my shirt and arched her body against me. Every curve pressed against me. The plumpness of her breasts teased me, because I hadn’t touched her there yet. Not really. But God, I wanted to, and the way she was rubbing against me, I knew she wanted it, too. She was ready.

In the darkness of her room, lit only by moonlight streaming through the one small window above her dresser, we were cocooned in our safe world. The one we created to forget about the evil around us. We didn’t think of our desires as being wrong. We had seen wrong, and we knew this wasn’t it. The feeling was too genuine. Our hearts were leading this. I’d been with girls when it was just about lust. I knew the difference.

Slowly, I slipped a hand under her shirt, and she stilled, her breathing heavy, as I moved it up and over her bra to cup her right breast. She shuddered as I ran my thumb over the pebbled nipple pushing against the worn cotton. I needed more. Tugging down the front, I freed both breasts and moved my other hand up so I had them both full. Addy rolled onto her back and let out a small moan that made my cock jerk in reaction. Her eyes fluttered closed, and she arched her back, giving me more, and I took it. My blood was pumping so hard I could hear it as I slid her shirt off and threw it onto the floor before taking off her bra.

Her eyes opened, and she looked at me with a mix of need and uncertainty.

“You’re beautiful,” I told her, leaning down to press a kiss to her lips.

She opened for me so easily and wrapped her arms around me. Her hard nipples, now bare, pressed into my chest, and my cock twitched again. I began a trail of kisses down her jaw toward her neck and then spent some time on her collarbone, before moving my hands to cup each round, creamy breast. Pale pink nipples, more perfect than anything I’d ever seen, grew even harder as my mouth moved closer, and I pulled one into my mouth.

Addy cried out my name, and her hands went to my head and held on to my hair as she squirmed under me. Tonight I’d have to stop here, but I knew this was just the beginning. I’d been in love with Addy for a while now, but she’d just given me a taste of more. I’d never want anyone but her. This was as close to heaven as any man could get.

Franny stared at me without saying a word. I was worried that I’d rushed this or that I hadn’t thought it through or that she was upset that I’d kept it from her since we’d arrived.

“So . . . he wants to meet me, too, then?” she finally asked, her eyes big with wonder. This had been her one request for so long. Having it placed in front of her had to be overwhelming. I let out the breath I was holding when I realized her silence wasn’t because she was angry; she was being given something she wanted desperately.

“Yes, he does. Very much. He had no idea you existed. There was a misunderstanding that kept us apart, and it has taken me a very long time to find him. But he’s glad I did. He wants to know you, too, and be a part of your life.”

She scrunched her nose. “Our life, you mean?”

No . . . not ours. Just hers.

I knew that from our conversation last night and from watching him over the past few months. He wasn’t interested in getting to know me. I didn’t appeal to him now. The people we once were no longer existed. Not really.

“He wants to know you, sweetie. You’re his child. We did love each other very much once, and you were conceived from that love. But we’ve grown up and changed since then. We don’t have those feelings anymore.”

Franny nodded as if she understood, but I could tell by the look on her face that she didn’t. Not at all. When you’re nine, it’s hard to make sense of a lot of things. Especially things your mother has a hard time coming to terms with. “Will you be there when I see him?”

“Yes,” I assured her, and she looked relieved.

“OK, when can I see him?”

I knew this would happen. Once she decided on something, she wanted it right then and there. “He said he would be ready when you are,” I replied.

Franny took a deep breath and nodded her head. “I’m ready.”

This was it. All those years of wondering, and this was it. River would be in his daughter’s life. I had wanted this for so long. Franny deserved it. “OK.” I pulled out my phone and texted Captain.

She’s ready to see you.

It wasn’t even thirty seconds before he replied.

Do you want me to come there, or would it be easier on her if we met for ice cream or something?

I looked up at Franny, who was watching me and chewing her bottom lip nervously.

Ice cream would be good, I think.

He replied immediately.

Meet me at the Sugar Shack when you’re ready. I’ll be waiting.

This was going so fast. He’d just seen Franny yesterday, and that was a total accident. Now he was meeting her and officially becoming a part of her life. I looked at my daughter. There was a chance that this could hurt me, but I’d go through any pain for her. If I could just remember that Captain wasn’t my River. Not anymore. I hoped I could trust my heart to realize what my head already did. I wasn’t getting River back.

“We’re going to meet him at the Sugar Shack for ice cream,” I told her with a smile. She had been to the Sugar Shack once. It had been a treat when I got my first paycheck once we moved here. It was a quaint little ice cream parlor full of every candy you could imagine, right on the beach.

She clapped and jumped up. “I’ll go get dressed.”

I watched her run back to the bedroom and hoped I was doing the right thing. If this made her that happy, I feared I was setting her up for potential pain, too. But I had to stick with my decision. My gut said that no matter what, Captain would be there for her. He might have bad taste in women, but that was something I’d discuss with him once we were past this. Franny would have to be the most important girl in his life now.

Eleven years ago

I watched from a distance as Delany flirted with River. Because it would possibly get me kicked out of the house if a teacher noticed that River and I were a couple, we didn’t act any differently at school. I wanted to hold his hand, but we both knew that if someone told his parents, they’d move me out. Then I’d be sent to a home for girls until I was eighteen. Those had terrible reputations, and I’d never see River again.

The hardest thing was watching girls flirt with River. He never flirted back, and he always kept his distance, but it was still hard to watch. I wondered if he would start to hate me because his life was so hard with me in it. I didn’t want to be a burden to him, but I wasn’t helpful. His mother went crazy whenever I was around, so he had to keep me away from her. I couldn’t be a normal girlfriend, so he didn’t get to take me to parties, which meant he didn’t go to them, either.

Delany touched his chest, and I stopped breathing, watching and wishing I could walk away and trust him. But it was more than trust. I wanted to see his face. See if he wanted her, too. It was all I had to reassure me.

Those full lips of his that I loved to touch turned down in displeasure as he took her hand and removed it while backing away. I was too far from them to hear him, but he looked annoyed. The tightness in my chest that I knew was jealousy slowly faded, and I had started to turn to leave when his eyes locked with mine.

I was caught. I wished I’d left sooner. I didn’t like him thinking I spied on him. That was unfair, too. He didn’t need me watching his every move. The corners of his lips lifted, and he smirked at me, then started walking my way. I could run now, so I didn’t have to confront him, but I’d still have to face it later.

Delany called out to him, and he didn’t glance back. Her hateful gaze bored into me, before she turned on her heel and stalked off angrily. I didn’t mind if she thought River was with me. She wasn’t anyone who could hurt us.

“Enjoy the show?” he asked, his smirk softening with his words.

I felt my cheeks heat up and ducked my head, unable to look him in the eyes. I was guilty, and it was embarrassing. “Sorry. I was just walking by and saw you . . .” I trailed off.

His hand brushed mine, which was the only contact we dared to have at school other than talking. “You’re my girl, Addy. You know that. Don’t want no one else.” His voice was a low, husky whisper.

My insides felt warm. Only River made me feel like that. Before him, I didn’t know you could feel like a summer day was pulsing through every limb of your body, complete with sunshine and sweet lemonade.

“I know. I just . . . I was . . . I’m sorry,” I said finally. There was nothing else I could say. He knew why I’d watched him. I wasn’t going to lie.

River chuckled. “I figure if your girl is jealous, she wants you as much as you want her. If she stops being jealous, she wants someone else. I’ll take the jealousy. It’s sweet.”

Smiling, I looked up into his eyes. “I was going to say I wasn’t jealous, but if that’s how you see it, then I was incredibly jealous.” I whispered so no one else could hear me.

River winked. “Good. Because any guy who looks your way makes me see red. Let’s get to class.”

I walked beside him back into the hallway, with my chest so big and full of love it was a wonder it didn’t explode right there.

I sat on a bench just outside the Sugar Shack, watching for Addy’s car. I had gotten here ten minutes after she texted, knowing it could be an hour before they arrived, but I wasn’t going to let them get here first. I wanted this. I also needed to see Addy again, because I’d been a mess last night. I’d hardly been able to speak or make sense of anything; I’d been so distracted by her sitting across from me and knowing it was her.

After breaking shit and getting out my anger and frustration at how fucking unfair our lives had turned out, I was ready to see our daughter. I was ready to see her as mine. Knowing that we’d made a child during the brightest and happiest time of our lives somehow eased the bad memories. Franny made everything that had come after worth it.

I just wished I could have been there. The life Addy and I had imagined, cuddled together in her bed, would never happen, but at least I had this. I had a part of her that was mine, too. We shared something—no, we shared
someone
. The product of the only love I’d ever experienced.

The idea that Addy might have loved again felt like a butcher knife to the gut. There had been other women for me, but I’d never given my heart to anyone else. What if she had? What if I hadn’t been her only love, just her first? Could I deal with that kind of information? Fuck, no. I’d have to break more shit, because when it came to Addy, I was irrational.