The Best Friend (38 page)

“I can’t do this,” she barely breathed into Tony’s ear. His bicep muscle tightened around her in reaction to her words.

“You can. You’re the strongest woman I know.”

“Not for this.” She buried her head much as Olivia did in his chest. “Why are you here? I thought…”

“You need me.”

She nodded her head. “I need you.”

Her body started trembling from the cold as well as her ragged emotions. Softly, she whispered, “I love you. I need you here.
I can’t do this
. Any of this. I can’t raise Olivia properly. I can’t live with you so far away. I need you to come back home now. I need you to come back to me. Fuck the charity. Fuck being better. Fuck it all. Just come back, please, and be here with me. That’s all that matters. I just need
you
, Tony. Not better Tony. Not working full time and being productive Tony. I just need the old Tony. Please, please, just come back to me.” She started to cry again and gripped him more tightly around his neck.

He went completely still before his entire body stiffened, and he seemed to grow two inches. “Gretchen… you don’t mean that. You’re just having a really hard moment.”

She pulled back and nailed him with her glare. “I do mean that. I am not a damsel in distress. I know exactly what I mean. I am not confused. Besides, haven’t you wanted me for like two decades? Why don’t you want me to say this?”

“Because two decades ago, I could do anything and everything I wanted. Now I can’t. You know all this. I have limited options. And now, I finally have a decent option, and it’s working out for me.”

“Well… it’s not working for me.”

There were people now around them and they had to talk directly to each other in low, hushed tones so no one could hear them. Now, wasn’t the moment… but she couldn’t help it.

“I don’t need you to do anything and everything. I just need for you to do what you just did. You helped Olivia, and you saved both of us.”

He shook his head, and his eyes were fierce. “Let’s not do this now. Mom said the reception is at her house. I’ll meet you there, okay?”

She nodded and her shoulders slumped. He was right, of course. Tony turned and said something quietly to Olivia before Gretchen grabbed her hand and she followed her parents toward their car. They drove her there as she was too distraught. She watched Tony walk across the cemetery. He stopped before a dark-colored sedan and her jaw dropped open. He got into the driver’s side. She stared incredulously.
Tony was driving?

****

She quickly learned that Tony did indeed now drive a car. He also learned how to prepare meals and wash his own clothes. He talked about the gadgets he purchased to make things easier for him. She almost pointed out it was more the
trying
to do things on his own, rather than the gadgets that made the new, improved Tony possible. But she bit her tongue to hold back her nasty sarcasm.

He talked about his job. What he did. How long he worked. And it soon became obvious he was passionate about it. Even excited about it. He was proud of himself and the man this job allowed him to be. She could tell that just by the way he moved about in his parents’ house. He was completely different than he was when she ran into him at the grocery store. He even stood taller. He kept his clothes neat as pin again. His dark suit was pressed, and his hair still too long, but now neatly pulled back in a ponytail. Would he cut that too? Now that he seemed to be back to the steady, hardworking Tony of old?

She gritted her teeth as she watched him from the chair in the corner of the living room she commandeered. She didn’t have the strength to socialize, take or give condolences, or discuss Olivia. Tracy’s kids took Olivia downstairs in Tony’s old place to play. Leila recently put a ping-pong table down there, so convinced was she that Tony was never coming back.

“Gretch? How are you holding up?”

She looked up when Tracy put a hand on her shoulder and started to sit down. She handed Gretchen a glass of wine. Gretchen leaned forward and rubbed her hands together, ignoring the wine. “Not well. Why is that? I always hold up well. I’ve always been the together one. The calm one. The one who did and said what needed to be said and done. Why can’t I get there this time?”

Tracy clasped her hands. “Because this time, it’s way too personal. And you have had way too much for one month. Tony leaving. Olivia becoming yours… Cut yourself a break.”

Tears started to flow again. Gretchen pushed at her eye sockets too hard. She was tired of crying. It hurt. Her eyes ached. Her cheeks were puffy and her throat was raw. “I’m sad Helen died. It hit me harder than I ever thought it would. I thought I was fully prepared. She was my friend.”

“I know. No one’s ever fully prepared for death. You should know that.”

She sneered and nodded toward Tony who had his one hand on Lewis’s back as he leaned closer to listen to his father. He stretched back, smiled slightly, shook his head and started speaking. “Look at him. He’s fine. He’s just freaking fine.”

Tracy’s mouth tilted up. “Isn’t that what you wanted for him?”

“I didn’t want him so fine that he could thrive being away from me. He drives now. Did you see that? He didn’t tell me because he wanted to surprise me.”

“Well, yes. I could see where he would.”

“I don’t want him to surprise me. I want him to just be here. Do it here. Or don’t. Whatever. Selfish bastard.”

“Gretchen, hon...”

“I know. I know. I’m being selfish, unreasonable, and horrible now.”

Tracy half laughed, half coughed, “Well, at least you’re aware enough to know it.”

Gretchen finally smiled. “I know it, all right. I just didn’t think it would be this hard. Any of it.”

Tracy touched her shoulder. “I’m going to come stay with you for a while when Tony leaves. Just until you get your legs back under you.”

Gretchen’s shoulders sagged. “I’ve never been this angry. Or felt this incapable before.”

“It’s about time.”

“What about Micah? The girls?”

The corner of her mouth tilted up. “I’m not leaving them; I’m coming to help you. They’ll be fine.”

She nodded finally and replied, “Okay.”

Tracy hesitated. “I know it seems bad now, but things will get easier. You’ll get used to having Olivia and it won’t all seem so big or so raw, or quite so intense. It will become more normal, more ordinary, just part of who you are and what you do all day.”

The thing was, Gretchen could not do anything. She wandered around the reception, totally useless. She barely even fielded comments and condolences. She was too selfishly distraught. She was too worried about Olivia. So much so, at times, she feared she’d throw up. Could she do this? Be there for her? Be a good mother? The gravity of the situation and her responsibility to Olivia suddenly felt crippling.

Tony unexpectedly appeared next to her. He wrapped his arm around her waist and she turned into his body. “Tracy mentioned you might need me.”

“Tracy’s right.”

“Why don’t we take Olivia home now? I think we’ve had enough for one day, huh? It’s not like she won’t get up tomorrow and have to face it all over again.”

Gretchen nodded as she numbly followed Tony. He was quite adept in taking control. He found Olivia and got her coat and shoes before collecting the dress-up clothes she’d thrown off in favor of her pajamas at some point. He went around the entire room and shook hands with everybody, saying goodbye.

“I’m sorry, Gretchen. I know this is hard for you,” Leila said.

She turned towards Leila. “I’m surprised you care that it’s hard for me.”

Leila’s face twisted. “I deserve that. I just thought you’d dump him. Or destroy him. Make him revert to how he was post-Audrey.”

Gretchen nodded her heads towards Tony whom she saw bent over, helping Olivia get her shoes on. When he stood up, he lifted Olivia and held her against him before turning to say goodbye to Micah with a smile and a nod. “Yeah, he looks so much worse off now. Dressed in a suit. Driving. Working. Living not only alone and out of your basement, but across the country from you, in a well-paying, highly respected, highly visible job. And
Smiling. Tony keeps smiling.
I mean when did Tony start smiling? Never? I just ruined him, didn’t I, Leila?”

Leila’s mouth dropped open as she listened to Gretchen, who could not find her usual reserve or politeness. Leila’s eyes filled with tears. “I’m completely sorry. I thought he would get hurt, not you. I see now… I’m so sorry. His departure from here was, for me, the first sign he was healing; but for you, it was being left behind.”

Gretchen didn’t expect to, but helplessly started to cry again. Leila yanked her closer for a tight hug. “Please forgive me. I was wrong. You saved him. You really did. We both miss him, Gretchen. Maybe you could bring Olivia over next week for dinner? I’d still like to be involved with her caretaking… and you. I could really use the company. And so can you. I would even like to have her a few weekdays after school. I mean, Gretchen, you
do
work full time. You’ll need the help, so please, let me help you.”

Gretchen nodded her head against Leila’s shoulder. “Okay,” she whispered. 

Tony came up right then with Olivia wrapped around him. He leaned down so Leila could kiss his cheek. “Take good care of them tonight.”

Tony glanced from Leila to Gretchen and saw her wiping away fresh tears. “I will.”

He tilted his head towards the door, indicating for Gretchen to go first. A small smile touched his lips. “I’d offer you my hand, but…”

She finally smiled. “But yours is already occupied. I told you before, I don’t need your hand; I need
all
of you.”

“You already have that,” he said quietly, his tone sounding low and deep and completely confident. Her heart stilled before swelling in her chest. Leila smiled behind them. Gretchen might have had him, but she needed him to be there more, rather than having his love so far away from her.

Tony slept in Gretchen’s bed and talked quietly and often to Olivia. He sat with her on the couch, watching mindless comedies; and when the grief unexpectedly overtook her, he held her tightly while she cried. He did the same with Gretchen, who had no idea what kind of person she was becoming. She’d never felt so incompetent before. She couldn’t get her head around being a mother. She couldn’t think of anything to say or do for Olivia. She was off from work for at least a week, and Olivia was off school; but all they could do was sit around the condo and cry together.

And then Tony left.

Gretchen managed to cook Olivia some meals and wash a few loads of clothes. She tried to hold Olivia and reach out to her. But Olivia wasn’t the same now as she was with Tony. Crazy enough, Olivia got angry at
her
when Tony left, not at Tony.

Gretchen was, however, furious with Tony.

How dare he do
this
to her?  He turned her into a weak, needy, incompetent woman. She had become something she had never, ever been in her entire life. How long could she go on like that? Olivia was miserable. She was miserable. Tracy arrived to take care of them for two weeks because Gretchen couldn’t find the gumption or the will to do so. At least twice, Olivia reacted with screaming fits at Gretchen for stupid, minor things that were indicative of the deeper, roiling emotions inside of her.

And Gretchen wanted to do the exact same thing to Tony every single time he called her.

Chapter Twenty-Six

Gretchen’s work began to suffer. She was mentally absent in her sessions. Physically, she was there, but she didn’t connect with her patients like she used to, and needed to. Her head was crammed full of too much:
Tony. Olivia. Helen
. The same three names and people that kept twisting all around in her head for so many months now. But it wasn’t even a year since she had Tony back in her life. How could his absence affect her so deeply? It was like she could not function on a daily basis anymore.

He, on the other hand, was just fine. At least, that’s how he always described himself in their long distance communications. She hated corresponding long distance. She hated it with Will and detested it even more now.

School was out for the summer months, and Tracy was kind enough to let Olivia start hanging out there each day to play with her two kids, Alissa and Kylie, who were ten and nine. Leila also watched her two days a week, and a surprising bond was developing between the two. Gretchen suspected Leila must have reminded Olivia of her grandmother more than anything.

Each evening, Gretchen picked her up. Sometimes they ate take-out, while on others, Gretchen cooked. She wasn’t very interested in doing it, however. Olivia lifted her spoon one evening and the runny sauce dripped off it.

“What is this?”

“Cheese sauce.”

“Isn’t that what we had last night?”

“No, that was Alfredo sauce.”

“It looks exactly the same.”

Gretchen smiled. Silence descended between them and the entire condo seemed soundless. The faint cries of kids playing in the park below drifted up towards them.

“I miss him.”

Gretchen turned swiftly at hearing Olivia’s quiet statement. Olivia set her spoon down, and Gretchen set the bowl of noodles down. She slid from her seat and dropped down on one knee beside Olivia and started to hug her, but Olivia pushed her back. “Why don’t we just go live with him?”

Gretchen nearly fell over.

“What?” The shock and surprise made her tone come out much too high.

Olivia’s gaze sharpened and she nodded. “I think we should just go live with him. If he’s gotta do this job so stinkin’ badly, why don’t we just go and live with him there?”

Gretchen sat back on her heels and her mouth remained open in shock. She didn’t even know what to say. It was not what she expected to come out of Olivia.

“Well, because, I work here. And you have school here, and our whole life is located here.”

Olivia shrugged matter-of-factly. “So, you can get a job there. Schools are everywhere, and I’d rather be there, with him, than here with everyone else.”