The Best Christmas Ever (16 page)

“You know any women like that?” he asked huskily.

Sarah stared at him a moment, trying to figure out what he was talking about. When she realized he was asking her if she loved him in return, her gaze slid away. “It’s not that easy,” she said, trying to hide the pain. Did he really mean he loved her and was serious about her? Her heart thudded in her chest.

“Yes, Sarah, it is. It’s that easy. All you have to say is yes.”

Oh, no! No! No! No!
It wasn’t that easy at all. Her
chest felt as if it were going to explode with the pain of what she needed to tell him.
Why didn’t you tell him before this?
Because she hadn’t known this was coming. What could she say? She knew what she wanted to say. But fairy tales were just that. Fairy tales. Make-believe. They didn’t come true. “Can you give me some time?” she asked hesitantly, not wanting to see the hurt in his eyes.

But she felt it. He stiffened and pulled back. “Of course I can, Sarah. I’d never pressure any woman for an answer like that.”

She’d ruined the night. That sweet sharing spirit was gone, replaced by one of formality. As if to prove her point, Justin changed the subject.

“I wanted to let you know there are two openings at my business that I think you’re qualified for.”

She turned shocked eyes on him. Surely he wasn’t that upset.

“It’s not what you’re thinking. I said I’d give you time to think, and I will. But just because I’m giving you time doesn’t mean I won’t stop wanting a relationship with you.”

This time Sarah’s eyes widened with comprehension. He really did care for her, really did have serious feelings for her…

“However, I think it’s time that we changed the living and working arrangements. I don’t want you to feel pressured or feel uncomfortable. We both know that despite our feelings nothing improper has gone on here. But people like Stephanie Williams may start gossip. I want to protect you from that sort of thing,” he added.

She nodded. “Fine. Okay.” She stood.

Justin turned his gaze back toward the Christmas tree, and though she knew he was amused at her reaction, she could still see the sadness in his eyes. “If you’ll excuse me, I’ll clean up the cups tomorrow. I think I should just go to bed.”

Justin nodded. “Good idea, Sarah mine. Go to sleep and dream of tonight. Let me know when you’re ready to talk again.”

Knees knocking, she almost ran up the stairs. She wondered what he thought her reasons were for not answering. Surely he realized she was just as attracted to him, that she had fallen head over heels in love with the kind, generous, loving person he was. She could easily live happily ever after with him.

But of course he wouldn’t know that, nor would he know it was he who would be having second thoughts when she finally told him the reason she had avoided answering him: she had to give him a chance to turn her down after he heard about her problem.

And she would make sure to go talk to Bill tomorrow. Maybe he would have a suggestion on how to tell Justin about her affliction without his being hurt or feeling used.

Please, Father, help me,
she whispered, going into her room.
Please help me find a way to keep from hurting him. I’ve waited too long already and all I can now see is pain in the future.

“O
ver here.”

Sarah glanced across the lunch crowd to where Bill was seated. She waved and crossed to him. “Boy, I’d forgotten how busy this place is. It’s been an eternity since I’ve been here.”

Bill pulled out her chair and she rolled her eyes.

“So, what’ll you have?” he asked as the waitress walked up.

Sarah thought about not ordering anything. She’d been a nervous wreck since talking with Justin the night before. But she knew Bill wouldn’t let her get away without eating. “Soup, salad and sandwich of the day,” she said to the waitress. “And ice water.”

Bill ordered the same, and in no time at all the waitress was back with their salad. Bill devoured half of his before pushing it away and starting his quiz. “So, you wanna tell me what was eating at you when you were over at the house?”

Sarah swallowed a bite of salad, feeling that it was
a lump of coal instead of a tasty ranch-dressing-coated piece of lettuce. “I enjoy my job,” she started, wondering now if she should really discuss this with Bill. She loved Justin. It was him she should be telling, not Bill.

But Bill couldn’t hurt her the way Justin could, she realized.

“I’m not blind. Your job isn’t the only thing you enjoy there, either,” he said bluntly. “Tell me, what’s bothering you.”

“You’re always so impatient,” she grouched. She nodded toward her salad when the waitress came back, indicating she was done, then accepted the soup. “I was furious, humiliated, upset and a whole other list of things when André left.”

“I know. I remember your shock over his actions. I still can’t believe he just walked away and mailed you a letter.”

“It wasn’t exactly like that,” Sarah said, remembering she hadn’t told Bill everything.

Bill paused in taking a sip of soup. He raised an eyebrow. “And just how was it?” he asked pointedly.

“Don’t get that look with me, Bill. You may be like a brother to me, but that doesn’t mean I have to tell you everything. You were engaged at the time, remember?”

He nodded, a wary expression on his face. “And?”

“Well, remember the surgery I had a few months ago?”

“For the tumor on your ovaries? Yes?”

“I didn’t tell you everything the doctor said. Unfortunately, I didn’t think it would be a problem, until I met André.”

Sarah laid down her spoon. The helplessness and rage boiled up again. Why, oh, why, had she lost almost all of her ovaries. “The doctor said that with only a quarter of one ovary left I’d likely never have babies.”

Only silence met that statement. She couldn’t look up at Bill and see the same disgust or even pity that might be on his face. But when he reached over and touched her hand, she couldn’t help but cast a glance at him. Only pain registered in his eyes. Surprised, she kept her gaze on his.

“And that’s why André left?” he asked.

Sarah felt tears brim in her eyes. “Yes. He said he needed time and took a vacation, but then he had his father get rid of me. I can’t explain the pain. I felt so inadequate as a woman, so angry at myself because I was useless.”

“Sarah, no. You aren’t useless.”

“Oh, yeah, I know that here.” She touched her head. “But not here.” She touched her heart. “Or here.” She touched her abdomen. “I’d always wanted kids. I thought André would adopt. I mean, true, I was devastated. I didn’t realize how important it was to him or his family that their line be carried on. I guess I should have. Every man wants a boy to carry on the family name.”

“Adoption would carry on the name.”

“But not the bloodline.”

Bill’s hands fisted and he said something under his breath. Sarah didn’t want to know. “Don’t be angry, Bill. It’s over and done with. And don’t pity me. I’ve accepted it, sort of.”

The waitress brought their sandwiches and they began
to eat. Bill had gotten through half of his before he’d calmed down enough to resume the conversation. “What did you want to see me for, then?”

“It’s about Justin.”

“Has he done the same thing?” Bill demanded, his face beginning to turn red with outrage.

“No!” Sarah said, dropping her sandwich. She toyed with it for a moment before looking up at Bill. “He doesn’t know.”

“You’re serious about him,” he said, satisfied. Then he frowned. “Just how serious?”

“Very serious.”

Bill whistled. “And you haven’t told him?”

Sarah shook her head. “I kept putting it off because I was so embarrassed. After all, there was nothing really going on between us, so there was no need for him to know.”

Bill nodded. “I can understand your reasoning. Then it got serious and you couldn’t just blurt it out”

“That’s right,” she said, relieved he wasn’t going to condemn her.

“He asked me last night if I could love him. Oh, Bill, I want to say yes, but I know he’ll think I was hiding this from him. I don’t want to hurt him. He’s so good with kids. You know, he told me he regretted not giving Mickie a brother.”

Bill reached out and took her hand. “But if you love him, Sarah, you have to tell him and leave the decision up to him.”

She nodded, blinking back her tears. “I know that. I just don’t know how. How do you say, ‘oh, by the way, I’m infertile and I know you want more kids, but you’re gonna have to pick between the two’?”

Bill frowned, then asked, “How’d you tell André?”

She laughed bitterly. “That was easy. One night he asked me if I wanted kids. Thinking he didn’t really want them, I said I was infertile so it didn’t matter.”

Bill winced.

“Exactly. Imagine my surprise when he asked me what had given me the idea he didn’t want kids. Then he said it was expected that the family bloodline be carried on through him. And all the time I’d thought he was different from his parents.”

“Justin isn’t like that.”

“But I just can’t ask him to pick,” she whispered.

“That’s his right, Sarah. Unless you can read his mind, you don’t know what he wants.”

“Just like André, huh,” she said, resigned.

“Yeah. Give Justin a chance.”

“But how?” she asked. “I’ve gone over this a million times. How do I go about telling him? What if he has questions? How can I stand there in front of him and give him all these answers without my emotions taking over?”

Bill now toyed with his sandwich instead of eating it. Bill never toyed with his food. That just went to show how touchy this subject was to a man.

Finally, Bill’s face brightened. “Do you have a copy of your doctor’s reports?”

“No. I never thought I could get them.”

“Of course you can. Here’s what you do. Use my phone,” he said, digging out his cell phone. “Call your doctor. Tell him you’re on your way over for copies of his reports. Get the copies, then highlight any pertinent information. Outline your speech, just as lawyers do when they’re working up a case, then present
the argument to Justin. You can hand him the report copies and tell him he can read them over if he has any questions.”

Sarah brightened, too, feeling a burden lift from her shoulders. “You know, that just might work. If I have everything in front of me to show him, it might actually give me the courage to go through with this. At least then, when he backs off, I’ll know it wasn’t my fault because I bungled the telling, as with André.”

She dialed her doctor’s number.

“André isn’t like Justin,” Bill said. “Besides, I doubt you’ll get through the speech before Justin sweeps you into his arms and tells you it doesn’t matter.”

Sarah spoke into the receiver to the nurse who’d answered the phone, before responding to Bill. “I only wish it wouldn’t matter. But think how you’d feel if this were Marcy,” she said.

“I am,” he said softly just as Sarah turned her attention back to the phone and set up a time to pick up the records.

“I can go right over,” she said, handing Bill the phone back. She looked at him and her distress must have shown, because he reached out and took her hand.

“Sarah, he might be upset, but it’ll be for your benefit, not his. If he loves you, that’s all that’ll matter.”

“But it didn’t to André.”

“He didn’t love you,” Bill replied. “Besides, he’s weak. Justin isn’t. Would a weak man go back to a family who had been wronged by his partner and offer recompense for his wrongs?”

Fresh tears filled her eyes. “You’re right. What a
fool I’ve been.” She stood and hugged Bill. “I’ve got to go.” She took out some money and tossed it on the table. “Don’t argue,” she warned when he opened his mouth. “You can treat me next time. And don’t mention this conversation to anyone until I get back and tell you the outcome.”

She headed toward the door, excitement making her steps bounce.

“Was that Sarah?”

Bill turned to see Justin walking up. “Yeah. We had lunch today. What brings you here?”

Justin seated himself across from Bill. “I called your office and they told me you were here.”

Bill was thankful Justin hadn’t shown up any earlier. Sarah would have found her plans to confide in Bill destroyed. She might not have had the ability to tell Justin everything as calmly and logically as she would now with her confidence restored. Bill didn’t say that; instead, he merely nodded. “So, what’s up?”

Justin ordered coffee, then turned to Bill. “Sarah is.”

Bill raised his eyebrows. “What do you mean by that?”

“I hesitate to tell you just after finding you here with Sarah.”

Bill chuckled. “I don’t break confidences. But if you don’t want to talk about her, then let me tell you about Marcy.”

“I asked Sarah if she loves me.”

Oh, well, so much for his not wanting to confide in Bill. Bill didn’t think Justin had even heard his comment about Marcy.

Justin sipped his coffee and played with the sugar
holder. “Well, I didn’t exactly phrase it that way. I never would have thought I’d say that to anyone again. But Sarah has a way of getting under your skin. I mean, I did hire her simply because I needed a sitter and wanted to prove to her I bore her no ill will. But I didn’t expect this.”

Oh, yeah, his buddy had it bad. And he couldn’t be more thrilled. Unlike Sarah, Bill didn’t think it would make a huge difference to Justin that Sarah probably couldn’t have children. No, Justin just wanted to find someone who would love him and love his little girl. No one could fill that bill better than Sarah. “So, what did you expect?” Bill asked, amused at the way his friend was fighting his feelings. He did feel just a little sorry for him, but he’d have tons of teasing material after Justin and Sarah were married.

“I don’t know. I didn’t know from the first day she showed up on my doorstep what to expect. It’s like I’ve been sucked into a tornado. My common sense went on vacation and I’ve been operating solely on emotions ever since.”

Bill chuckled. “Is that so bad?”

Justin grinned, but it was a self-deprecating grin. “I never dreamed I’d want home and hearth with a woman again, want to go shopping with her, see her carrying my child, watch her when she’s cooking or outside pruning the roses.”

Bill frowned at Justin’s words. “Well, what if she can’t cook or hates roses or doesn’t want kids?”

Justin shrugged. “Sarah can cook, likes roses
and
kids.”

“There’s a difference between liking kids and wanting kids.”

Again Justin shrugged. “That can be worked through. I just want her love.” He frowned then. “But she wants time. I know I’m being crazy, but I’m wondering if maybe she doesn’t feel obligated or something and that’s why she wants time, to work herself up into accepting my proposal.”

“Sarah’s not like that,” Bill said. “I’d bet she loves you, too.” It was as close as he could come without breaking his word to Sarah—something he wouldn’t do, no matter how much he wanted to at the moment.

Justin still didn’t look convinced, so Bill added, “Give her time. She’ll open up. Why else would she be marrying, if not for love?”

“So, how’d you get so wise?” Justin asked, joking.

Bill spread his arms. “Marcy fell into my arms with no problems, so I must be wise.”

Justin only laughed.

And though Bill laughed with him, he felt the first inkling of unease. Could Sarah have been right to worry about Justin’s reactions? Sarah had seemed so sure that Justin would be upset. And it was only now that Bill was finally realizing that Justin might actually not trust another female after the way Amy had hurt him.

He said a quick prayer that God would work everything out according to His will.