The Believer (35 page)

"But why, Elizabeth? He was so nice. He always smiled at me and didn't look at me like he was afraid I was going to sprout horns the way the rest of these people do:"

"Now, Hannah, not everybody;" Elizabeth said softly as she pulled Hannah off to the side. Even as she tried to deny Hannah's words, she felt the others eyeing them with intense disapproval as they walked past them out of the graveyard. She avoided looking toward them while cringing in expectation of Elder Joseph's voice taking them to task for their uncontrolled behavior. "What about Sister Nola?"

A look of guilt flashed over Hannah's face. "I ran away from her. I shouldn't have done that, I know."

"Sister Nola cannot run after you:" Elizabeth looked down the road. Sister Nola had stopped and was leaning against a tree to catch her breath.

"But she wouldn't let me come to the burying. She said I was too young. I told her I had helped bury my own father. That I knew what death looked like:" Hannah sniffed and leaned her head against Elizabeth. "But I didn't want Brother Issachar to die:"

"I know." Elizabeth stroked Hannah's back. "Nor did I."

"Why does everybody I love have to die?" Hannah's words were muffled as she spoke them against the scarf lapped down over Elizabeth's waist.

Elizabeth searched her mind for some answer that might offer the child comfort, but found no words. All she could do was hold her and hurt along with her as she kept stroking Hannah's back. The silence around them was broken by the sound of the brethren shoveling the dirt back into the grave. The sound echoed in her head as she remembered how she and Payton with Colton Linley's help had piled the dirt in on top of her father. She tightened her arms around Hannah and shut her eyes and wished she were somewhere else. Anywhere but in a graveyard with no way to explain death to a child.

She looked around to see if perhaps Payton had lingered to steal a moment with them, but he was gone. She spotted him walking back toward the West Family buildings. She wondered if Payton had walked by with no concern for his little sister's pain. While she watched, he did not look back.

Nearly everyone had left the graveyard to be ready for the evening meal. The only ones who remained besides the brethren who were filling in the grave were Ethan, Brother Martin, Elder Joseph, and Sister Lettie. Ethan stared down at the grave so deep in his grief that he had not even noticed Hannah's commotion. The same couldn't be said about the other two men. Brother Martin glowered at Elizabeth and Hannah as if he thought them a blasphemy to the graveyard.

Elder Joseph didn't look much less disapproving as he stepped close enough to speak to Elizabeth. "This is not proper behavior, sisters. I realize you are only learning our way, but we cannot allow such disruptions. I refuse to disturb the sanctity of the resting places of our departed sisters and brothers with harsh words, but you can be sure we will speak of this later."

Elizabeth bowed her head in submission to his words, but she kept her arms around Hannah who had gone stiff against her. As long as he didn't demand she turn loose of Hannah, she didn't care what he said or did. She watched out of the corner of her eye as he turned back to the grave and Ethan. He took one of Ethan's arms and Brother Martin took the other one. Together they ushered Ethan away from the grave.

"There is no reason for such sorrow;" Brother Martin was telling Ethan as they hustled him past Elizabeth. His voice was harsh, without sympathy. "You are a Believer, Brother Ethan. To display such grief shows lack of faith"

Ethan let them pull him along without answering him. Before he went out the gate, he looked toward Elizabeth for the barest second. In his eyes, she saw his need to be held as she was holding Hannah, and her arms ached to offer him that comfort. Then they were gone on down the road with the sound of Brother Martin's harping voice trailing back behind them.

Sister Lettie followed them out. "We must clean the sick room in case there is need of it," she said as she passed Elizabeth.

"I will be there as soon as I take Sister Hannah back," Elizabeth answered. "Please tell Sister Nola I'll bring Hannah to her so she won't have to walk up this rise"

Sister Lettie gave her a long look as if there were more words she thought needed to be spoken, but then she sighed and only said, "Do not tarry, Sister Elizabeth"

"Nay, I will not:"

Hannah waited until Sister Lettie turned away, then she jerked away from Elizabeth and tried to pummel her with her fists. "Don't say nay like one of them. You can't be one of them:"

"Easy, Hannah:" Elizabeth caught Hannah's hands and pulled her tight against her as Sister Lettie looked back with a shake of her head before she walked on down the hill to speak to Sister Nola. When Hannah stopped fighting against her, Elizabeth stroked her back and murmured, "There, there. Calm yourself. I am not one of them. I will always be your sister"

Hannah leaned heavily against her and got very still. "Do you promise, Izzy?"

I promise:' Elizabeth put her hand under Hannah's chin and tipped her face up to look at her. `Always'

`And you won't die?"

"You know I can't promise that. Only the Lord knows the number of our days, but I plan to be here with you for a long, long time"

"They boil the silkworms. Did you know that?" Hannah looked near tears again. "Sister Nola says that I will have to help dump their cocoons in the boiling water"

?" Wy.

"So they can unwind the silk from the cocoons, but the worms die:"

Elizabeth frowned a little as she tried to understand why Hannah was upset. "We used worms for bait to catch the fish at home:"

"But we didn't boil them. It's not right to feed them and pet them and love them and then boil them" Hannah peered up at Elizabeth. "I hid some of the cocoons, but they found them. Sister Willena's face got very red and she wanted to hit me"

"She didn't?"

"Sister Nola wouldn't let her. Sister Nola tries to keep me out of trouble:" Hannah looked down at her feet. "Maybe I do have a demon the way they say. Even Sister Nola looks at me as if she sometimes wonders"

I do not wonder. I know' Elizabeth leaned down to put her face directly in front of Hannah's to be sure Hannah listened to her words. "You do not have a demon. I don't want to hear any more such foolish talk from you;' she said firmly.

"I know, but I'm not sure that one will not grow within me if we stay in this place:' Hannah looked sad. "The sun was warm on my face today, Elizabeth. Is it not spring yet?"

Elizabeth hesitated. How could she answer her? But there was only the truth. "It is spring. Today."

"Then we can leave?" Hope flooded Hannah's face.

Elizabeth did her best to smile. "In a few days. Let me get things thought out"

"It is spring" Hannah's tears turned to laughter as she pulled away from Elizabeth to spin away from her down the hill toward Sister Nola. "I must tell Sister Nola. It is spring"

It was spring. The air was warm. The grass was growing. Soon bees would be flying between the blooms in the herb gardens. But as Elizabeth followed Hannah down the hill, she felt the cold fingers of winter wrapping around her heart. She could not bear to think of what keeping her promise to Hannah might mean.

The day after they laid Brother Issachar to rest, Ethan went back out to prepare the fields for planting. Brother Martin said he must. Go clear the new fields of rock and brush so they could work the ground, sow the seeds, and enjoy the fruits of their labor.

That is what a true Believer did. A true Believer continued in his duty to the society as a whole. A true Believer did not dwell in grief. A Believer was already living the heaven life here at Harmony Hill on this side of the divide, so there was no need for great sorrow when one made the crossing over. A Believer did not wallow in self-pity. A Believer put his hands to work and gave his heart to God.

"I told the Ministry some time back that they were allowing you and Brother Issachar to grow too close. He often spoke as if you were a son instead of a brother. Such worldly relationships can only result in a loss of the peace we seek as Believers" Brother Martin's words had pounded into Ethan's head like a woodpecker's beak into a tree trunk. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Sin, sin, sin. Trespass, trespass, trespass.

Brother Martin had stayed by his side after the funeral through the hour of rest following the evening meal and during the meeting where they had labored a song for Brother Issachar. It was as if he had a need to encircle Ethan with his reproofs and his instructions. But even as Brother Martin's words pounded into his ears, Ethan heard another voice in his head. Follow your heart. He couldn't do that. He couldn't.

He knew so little of the world. Unlike Elizabeth who had come from that world not so many months ago and who, according to Brother Martin, refused to surrender her worldly ways. He had roundly condemned her for what he called the unseemly outburst at the graveyard. Ethan had barely noticed. The little sister's heartbroken cries had merely been an echo of the pain in his own heart, and he had longed to know the same comfort her sister's arms surely gave her. Comfort he could never feel. Not in the only world he had ever really known. His comfort would have to come from the Eternal Father and Mother Ann. Brother Martin assured him Mother Ann's love was all he needed. All any of them needed.

Elizabeth hadn't been allowed to take part in the laboring of the songs at the meeting. Elder Joseph had publicly censored her for not conducting herself with the proper decorum and discipline expected of a Shaker novitiate. He made her stand up in the meeting and ask forgiveness. She seemed to be under an even darker cloud than Ethan as she stood and spoke the required words. Her voice was full of sorrow, but Ethan thought that had little to do with the confession she was making.

The little sister was also made to stand and confess her wrong. She pulled a long face as she spoke the words, but at the same time her eyes held a twinkle as if at any moment she might spin away in a whirling song of joy. After her confession, Sister Nola rushed her out of the meetinghouse. She wasn't required to sit under the eye of censure all through the meeting as Elizabeth was.

Elizabeth had not looked his way all evening even though he often sneaked glances toward her. She sat upright on her assigned bench and watched the dancers with an impassive face. No other sister dared take rest beside her.

Ethan could not stop thinking about how bereft she looked sitting in the midst of the Shakers as they sang the song that begged Mother Ann to drop down balls of her love from heaven into their midst. Many in the assembly trembled and shook with the love they felt falling down on them, while a few of the sisters and brothers shouted as they fell prostrate on the floor with gifts of the spirit. Ethan had felt nothing. His heart had not been touched by Mother Ann's love.

Now as Ethan prodded the rocks up out of the ground to carry to the sled to be hauled off the field, he wondered why he was never visited with those sorts of gifts of the spirit. Was it because his spirit was weak? That is what Brother Martin or Elder Joseph would tell him. He could not deny that was true this morning. He wanted nothing more than to walk away from his duty, to go into the woods where he had spent so many days such as this with the spring sunshine warm on his face helping Brother Issachar find the perfect tree for whatever he planned to build next.

In the woods alone with Brother Issachar he'd never felt any struggling of the spirit. He knew he could ask any question and see no reproof in Brother Issachar's eyes. He had learned about love from him, and now Ethan needed to walk back along the same paths he'd walked with Brother Issachar to seek those answers again. To find the peace he always had there. Brother Issachar told him not to carry guilt for what Hawk Boyd had done, but how could he not? Brother Issachar told him to listen to his heart, but how could he trust what it was telling him?

He was a Believer. He must act like one. He must do his duty in spite of the fatigue and grief that sat heavy upon him.

The sun was past noon and they had eaten the meal the sisters packed for them when Ethan caught the toe of his shoe on a root that was partially pulled from the ground as he got ready to place a heavy rock on the sled. He stumbled forward and the rock fell on his left hand. He couldn't bite back his cry of pain as he jerked his fingers free.

Elder Hanley who had charge of the men in the field frowned at the sight of Ethan's fingers already beginning to swell. "Could be broken," he said.

"Nay, I don't think so:" Ethan bent his fingers. It hurt, but he could move them. He held his hand straight up in the air to lessen the throbbing in his fingers. "It's not so bad. I can keep working"

"Nay. Your willingness to continue in your duty is commendable, but a man's hands are vital to his work. For the good of all, we need your fingers to heal properly." The elder looked at Ethan. "There are others to haul the rocks. Go let Sister Lettie put a splint on your hand"

It was a long walk back across the fields to the Medicine Shop. Sister Lettie shook her head when he showed her his hand. His first two fingers were almost double their size. "You appear to have done a fine job on them, Brother Ethan. A rock, you say."