The Beginning and the End (28 page)

He wished he could, somehow, be alone with his girl. But how? Her parents had received him in the sitting room. Joining in the customary lengthy conversation, he waited impatiently for her to come. Shyly she entered the room, wearing a long pink dressing gown that revealed only her limbs. She greeted Hassanein formally, her father looking at her with laughing and admiring eyes. She sat beside her mother. The conversation dragged on. But her presence absorbed all of his attention, and he found it difficult to follow their chatter, and even more so to take part in it. Overcome with boredom, he looked at her furtively, forming a mental picture of her plump, naked body. The blood boiled in his veins, and he felt resentment against the group for restricting his liberty. He noted the confidence and serenity in Bahia's eyes, her statuesque appearance, her reassurance as she sat at home under the comforting protection of her parents, listening to their conversation, safe in this refuge from Hassanein's caprices. Although sometimes her attitude angered him, he could not ignore the sense of confidence and trust which she managed to inspire in him, lending an unshakable sense of security and constancy to his profound feeling for her. The conversation went on. Lacking sufficient courage to take part in it, she merely responded with a nod of the head or a smile on her lips, and his annoyance reached a climax. As he sought for a way out of the dilemma, a bold idea occurred to him, and with his characteristic audacity he put it into action at once. He said to Farid Effendi, “Would you allow me to take Bahia to the cinema?”

Bahia's face flushed and she lowered her eyes, while her parents exchanged glances.

“I think in these modern times, this should be permissible for an engaged couple,” Farid Effendi replied. But his wife disagreed. “I'm afraid this might not appeal to Madam, your mother,” she said to Hassanein.

To prevent his stratagem from being wrecked, Hassanein lied unscrupulously. “I've already asked her permission,” he said, “and she agreed with pleasure.”

A smile appeared on the woman's face. She looked at her husband. “I've no objection,” she said, “since her father agrees.”

Farid Effendi asked his daughter to get ready to accompany the young man to the cinema, and shyly she stumbled out of the room. A few minutes later, the couple left. Approaching his flat, Bahia noticed Hassanein's cautious steps, as if he feared they might attract his family's attention. She was worried.

“You lied to my mother,” she whispered, “pretending that you had your mother's permission. And Nefisa will get angry because you didn't invite her to go with us to the cinema!”

He motioned to her to keep silent, took her hand, and led her across the courtyard to the alley. They walked side by side, Bahia's parents watching them from the balcony. Her red overcoat brought her pure, white complexion into relief; she was as pretty as a kitten. But in her lingering worry she said accusingly, “Sooner or later your family will know about our outing.”

His pleasurable sense of triumph dismissed all concern. “We've committed no sin,” he said with a laugh, “nor will the world fall apart!”

“Wouldn't it have been better to invite Nefisa to come with us?”

“But I want to be alone with you!”

She feared Nefisa more than anyone else. “You don't care about anything at all,” she said with concern, “and it's a pity.”

He reacted with frank, sometimes even offensive words, attacking her reserve and frigidity. “I wish I had committed a sin with you,” he said, “to deserve your accusations!”

Her face turned red, and she frowned with resentment. She kept silent now as they mingled with the people standing on the platform of the tram stop. With inward satisfaction he gazed upon her angry face. “I mean a minor sin,” he whispered with a smile.

She turned her face away until the tram arrived. They climbed into a first-class compartment. Finding it occupied by a foreign lady, Hassanein felt relieved. Sitting close to Bahia, he said teasingly, “Did you miss me much while I was away?”

“I never thought of you,” she said, as if in anger.

Pretending to be sad, he shook his head. “Nothing,” he said, “hurt me more than my feeling that you were anxious to see me.”

“To be frank with you, your new college has made you more unpleasant than before,” she said coldly, hiding a smile.

Involuntarily he recalled Nefisa's indictment of Bahia as not being sweet-tempered, and he looked closely at the girl. He found her superbly beautiful, yet his sister had described her as not having a sweet temper. He was aware that being head over heels in love with her made him adore even this defect in his beloved's character. He decided to stop teasing her.

“While I was away,” he said warmly, “I never forgot you for a single moment. Eventually I realized that while it's torture to be near one you love and she won't give in, it's heaven on earth not to be tragically separated from her.”

Lowering her eyes, she remained speechless. Yet, scenting the fragrance of mute passion in her absentminded surrender, he was profoundly relieved. He spoke ramblingly until the tram reached Station Square; they got off the tramcar and walked toward Imad al-Din Street. He asked her to take his arm, and she did so hesitantly.

Walking for the first time beside a person other than her mother, she was overwhelmed with shyness and confusion. Feeling his elbow touch her breast, deliberately or accidentally, she withdrew her arm from his.

“What have I done?” he protested.

“I like it better this way.”

He was indignant at missing this opportunity. “It'll take a miracle to change you into a real wife,” he said. “I mean a wife who embraces and hugs her husband and…”

Soon afterward, they were seated side by side in the cinema. His feeling of conceit and arrogance returned. This time he had two assets, his uniform and his beloved. When some of his classmates, passing by, cast appraising glances at his girl, this made his heart swell with further pleasure. Leaning toward her, he whispered, “Have you noticed that your beauty attracts attention?”

Noting a shy smile on her lips, he continued to be merry. “My heart tells me,” he whispered again, “that tonight I'll get the kiss I've long desired.”

She threw him a threatening glance, then looked straight ahead. In the dark he tried to touch her with his elbow or foot, but she did not encourage him. Finally, under his persistent pressure, she allowed him to take the palm of her hand into his, both resting on the chair arm separating their two seats. Time passed in total happiness.

On Friday evening, he stood in Queen Farida Square, waiting for the No. 10 bus to take him to the College. He had spent a happy day with his family and had a delicious dinner. Nefisa was merry as usual, but within hearing distance of her mother, she said to him sarcastically, “I wish I'd seen you escorting the ‘lady' to the cinema!”

Realizing that his secret was known when his sister opened fire on him, he gave a loud laugh. He glanced at his mother; she was silent, with something like a smile on her face. He was grateful for his military uniform, which had rescued him from her blows forever.

“What a lovely couple you are!” Nefisa began again with sarcasm. “You with a figure like a lamppost, and your ‘lady' only a few inches tall, her sour temper announcing the presence of both of you!”

“With your defects,” her mother scolded, “you're in no position to find fault.”

“Anyhow, at least I've got a sweet temper,” the girl replied with a laugh. “But you're excused, Master Hassanein, since my face isn't made for the cinema!”

Now he experienced remorse, and Hassanein very warmly apologized to her. What harm would there have been if he had invited her to go with them to the cinema? While he stood waiting for the bus, the memories of the day passed through his mind. After a while many of his classmates appeared and the bus arrived. Jostling, they all rushed into it. Other classmates, some of whom he had seen the day before at the cinema, climbed aboard. Hassanein was pleased at the thought that, as was customary under such circumstances, they would probably
comment on his girl. He eagerly awaited their observations on his adventures as a Don Juan. He had not long to wait, since more than one of his classmates seemed to be on the alert. Pointing to him, one of them said, “Guess what. Yesterday this hero was seen with a girl on his arm.”

Hassanein hoped that all his classmates heard this remark and would devote their conversation to him alone.

“What type was she?” another inquired.

“The homely type.”

“Beautiful?”

Focusing all his attention on their remarks, Hassanein's awareness intensified.

“She had blue eyes,” the first one said, “but she had a crudely native look.”

The blood rushed to Hassanein's face. His high elation vanished; his ecstatic enthusiasm was extinguished. The others continued their commentary in boisterous hilarity.

“Too short and too plump.”

“As sour-tempered as a field marshal.”

“Old-fashioned, on the whole. Where did you find her?”

Returning to his senses, Hassanein realized that this last question was directed to him, but he remained silent. Pretending indifference, he kept laughing, despite his wounded feelings of shame and defeat. One young man said, “I hope she's not your fiancée.”

Almost unaware of what he was saying, Hassanein exclaimed, “Of course not!” “A mistress?”

Feelings of pain and frustration upsurging within him, he answered, “It's only for fun!”

“In that case, she's good enough. A virgin?”

“Yes,” he said, extremely perturbed.

“May God disappoint your hopes! Why do you waste your time with virgins? Don't you understand that it's our College
tradition to spend Thursday night with a mistress and Friday with a fiancée, or a substitute for one?”

Hassanein forced a laugh. “Hereafter,” he said, “I'll straighten out my schedule of appointments with women!”

They all laughed, and the drift of their conversation changed. Suffering the anguish of defeat, he became absorbed in his dejection. Unwittingly, he had denied his girl.
Ah! If they knew she was my fiancée,
he thought,
and that even after two years of perseverance she still refuses to allow me to kiss her! A crudely native look…too short and too plump…as sour-tempered as a field marshal. Is this true of Bahia? Sure, she's old-fashioned; there's some truth in the description. She doesn't know how to appear with me in public. She lacks a sense of humor and doesn't know how to converse with people. She only grumbles and finds fault.
He wondered how he could possibly appear with her in public! People would say all these things and even more about her. He was depressed and resentful. Totally absorbed in these thoughts, he realized that the bus had stopped in front of the College only when his classmates left their seats.

The next week, at the usual time, he paid Farid Effendi a visit. Since Farid Effendi and Salem, the youngster, were not at home, he was alone with Bahia and her mother, and the father's absence afforded him an unusual degree of liberty. Bahia appeared in a brown dress, with a decorative fanlike silk frill attached by means of a clip to the lower part of the collar, the wings spreading out upon her bosom. Once invited, she had only to put on her overcoat to be ready to go with him to the cinema. But today he had absolutely no intention of inviting her. Nefisa's voice still echoed in his ears. After giving him a ten-piaster piece, she had warned, “This is for your outing alone!”

But Nefisa was not the only reason. In fact, he lacked the guts to appear again with Bahia in front of his classmates. He had thought she was the most beautiful girl. But then, his eyes were not open, and the sarcastic remarks of his classmates testified to his blindness. As he looked closely at her, their eyes met, and his dark thoughts disappeared. Blood boiled in his veins and a reckless desire surged up in his chest. There was no doubt she was at once beautiful and luscious. But how could he possibly disregard the appalling fact that he must avoid appearing with her in public? As Bahia's mother continued to converse with him, she noticed his absentmindedness and curt replies.

“Master Hassanein,” she wondered, “what's the matter with you? You look worried!”

Disconcerted, he became aware of his surroundings and said, as if apologetically, “Our training last week was so strenuous that we left the College almost dead.”

More attentive, he took an active part in the conversation,
until the mother excused herself to perform the prayers, leaving him alone with the girl.

“What's wrong with you?” the girl asked.

“Nothing!” he said, smiling to dispel her doubts.

“But you're not normal today.”

Alone with the girl and under the sway of his surging passions, a cunning idea suggested itself to him. Pretending to be sad, he said, “I can't forget your reserve toward me.”

“Again, the same old subject?”

“Of course! It's my right and I won't give it up as long as I live.”

“I thought we'd finished with this,” the girl said beseechingly.

“You baffle me. All my classmates have fiancées, but, unlike you, they don't deny them their right to kisses and embraces.”

Her face flushed; she murmured, “They are different from me, and I'm different from them.”

That was true. Perhaps his classmates emphasized it too much. Ironically, he thought, she was unaware of the implication of her words! But before he could reply, she quickly changed the drift of the conversation. “Are you going to the cinema?” she asked.

He understood that she was paving the way for an invitation. He was filled with annoyance and embarrassment. But as concern outweighed embarrassment, he said, “No. I've an appointment with some of my classmates.”

Shyly, she lowered her eyes. A painful silence prevailed.

“What was your family's reaction to our going to the cinema together?” she asked him.

Taking advantage of her question as a convenient pretext to avoid speaking of such matters, he said, “Nothing worth mentioning—except that my mother was upset because I asked you to violate the tradition of your respectable family!”

“There's nothing indecent about respectable families allowing their daughters to go to the cinema,” she said coldly.

“Likewise, there's nothing indecent in embraces and kisses. But, like my mother, you don't believe in it!”

Ignoring his insinuation, she inquired, “Did she tell you not to take me to the cinema again?”

“No! But she's afraid I might unintentionally offend your respectable family.”

“Didn't you tell her of my parents' approval?”

“Yes, I did. But she believed they approved out of embarrassment.”

“Should I understand from this,” Bahia inquired, “that we won't go out together after today?”

Incapable of confronting her with his innermost thoughts, he said, “No. We'll go out whenever we like.”

No sooner had he uttered these words than he regretted them. Shyly smiling, she said in a low voice, “I thought we'd go today to the cinema.”

He thought about inviting her. Although it softened his feelings, he refused to surrender to them. “But for this appointment I told you about…” he said.

“Ah! Of course, your appointment is more important than taking me to the cinema!”

“That isn't true, but I'm bound by my previous appointment. Besides…besides, it might not be advisable within such a short time to do again what my mother considers a violation of traditions.”

Shaking her head, she said with a sad smile, “Then it's not the appointment that stops you!”

“No. For both reasons,” he answered with resignation. “Excuse the old-fashioned mentality of my mother.”

For the first time, unable to contain her emotions, she said, “Why, then, do you allow Nefisa to go out every day?”

Resenting her tone and offended by the implication of her words, he retorted rather sharply, “Nefisa goes out for work; otherwise she would stay at home.”

“I didn't mean to offend anybody,” she said to him tenderly. “I just wanted to say that going out doesn't shame anyone.”

Silence prevailed until they heard the returning footsteps of Bahia's mother. “Hassanein, are you angry?” Bahia asked worriedly.

Because of her mother's arrival, he could not answer her, but his tender smile restored her confidence. Hassanein remained with them for an hour; then, bidding them goodbye, he went away.