The Bathrobe Knight: Volume 3 (42 page)

“Well, I might not have school, but like Minx, I definitely have work soon. I start back tomorrow too,” Daniel chimed in. “It’s been a fun ride, but things have to come to an end sooner or later.”

“Do they?” Stephanie looked around at the group of players that made up Darwin’s inner circle. “Of course, Minx, you would still need an education. Someone needs to teach you how to tie a tie properly, after all,” she said as she picked Minx up, stretched out her arms and then clasped her around Fuzzy Wuzzy’s neck. “There, that looks like much better than the last one. Everyone, what if I could promise you a healthy salary every month plus room and board with dental? Would you mind coming to work for me?”

“Huh? Doing what?” Valerie asked, looking skeptical. “I mean, I may have gotten some movement back in my legs, but I still have no work experience.”

“Sure you do--at least the kind you need, anyway.” Stephanie circled Valerie like a dog sniffing around a piece of meat. “After all, the only thing I’ll need you to do is take over Tiqpa for my Darwin.”

“And you’ll pay?” Mclean brandished her knives. “Three thousand a month?” she asked, inserting a number into the conversation.

“I’ll make it twelve thousand and have a contract to you within the hour,” Stephanie beamed. “After all, I’m kind of filthy rich, and my partner just passed away leaving me all of his wealth too.”

“Why would you do that though?” Kitchens looked skeptical. “I mean, I am assuming the offer extends to me too, right?”

“Yeah. It does. I am doing it for my own reasons. One contract, one plane ticket, less than an hour. You can verify the writing and wait for the first check to clear. I’ll pay you three months in advance. You guys in or out?” Stephanie asked, pressing her offer.

“I’m in,” Mclean said without hesitation. “Do I need to log out?”

“Yeah, you will. I’ll use your payment records at Tiqpa to get your info, so don’t worry about sending it,” Stephanie said, and Mclean’s avatar disappeared almost as soon as she he had finished speaking.

“Paid to play games . . . This will shoot my resume . . . Screw it. I’m in.” Daniel vanished too.

“And here Mom thought I’d spend the rest of my days as an unemployed bed-rester.” Valerie laughed as her own image faded.

“I’m assuming the chef can bake good cookies, right?” Kitchens asked.

“The best,” Darwin answered for Stephanie, and then Kitchens logged off too.

Minx looked at Stephanie grumpily. “You’re taking away one of my last days to play with my dad before vacation ends.” She stuck out her tongue at Stephanie. “That offer better be good when I graduate. Come on, Fuzzy, we’re out of here!”

“There are schools in this area if you want to have things discussed. We can get you the best private teachers if you want to stay with your dad,” Stephanie said. “You won’t have to put up with the mean bullies at your current school.”

“Umm . . . Well, I need to go talk about things then.” Minx disappeared from her perch atop the giant black bear.

“And then there were three.” Darwin looked over at Stephanie. “So why did you do that?”

“Because it’s important to me that the StormGuard Alliance grows, and we already know that you can trust this group of people. They know a lot more than they let on, and they’ve kept your secrets and your best interest in mind ever since they met you. That loyalty isn’t something you can usually buy. Plus, they need the money. Did you see how fast they jumped at joining up with a stranger when I offered cash in advance?”

“Yeah, but . . .” Darwin’s face scrunched up. “It doesn’t make sense.”

“Charles wasn’t wrong, Darwin. I want to take over the real world, and this is an important step. After all, our little family has already grown by two more girls in the real world.” Stephanie smiled coyly as she spoke.

“You’re expecting twins?!” Darwin’s mouth popped open like a champagne cork shooting off the bottle as he misinterpreted Stephanie’s statement.

“No, Dar Dar, I meant . . . Well, look at Kass!” Stephanie hit Darwin’s chest.

Darwin looked over at the first friend he had made in Tiqpa.
She’s paler than she was yesterday,
he noted.
She’s grown paler than she was when we first met. She’s almost as pale as Eve now, and her hair is darker . . . So that’s your game plan, eh?
Darwin suddenly understood.
First Valerie and Kass, then you want to restore our race one-by-one. If we have an eternity, then it will only be a matter of time--time that we have--until you get your way.
“Alright, I get it.”

“I don’t. What do you mean about me? Is there something on my face?” Kass poked around her face feeling for anything unusual or something that might have changed. “Ugh. Where is a mirror? I knew I shouldn’t have eaten spinach this morning. It’s in my teeth, isn’t it?”

“No, you’re just a bit pale. Are you sure you’re feeling well enough to be here with us? I mean, you’re still recovering, right?” Darwin asked.

“Yeah, it’s fine. For some reason, I felt a lot better this morning,” she said, patting her stomach. “I’m probably only going to play an hour or two more and then go call my dad. Oh! Right! Stephanie, if you can pretend like you're one of my friends from college, and we just had a rough night last night, that’d be great. I need you to vouch for me since my dad thought I was lying last night when I told him that I was at a friend’s place and wouldn’t be coming home. I mean, he didn’t call me out on it, but he totally had that judgmental tone.”

“Yeah, I got it. I’ll cover for you. But you’re going to sign the contract too, right? I mean, you’re one of us.” Stephanie said, putting Kass on the spot.

“Steady employment for playing games? That’s exactly what I’m in for. But . . . I’d like to actually work at the Tiqpa offices with the designers, my dad especially, if you can arrange that. I know gaming is good and all, but trying to avoid real work hasn’t turned out great for me lately.” Kass poked her belly where the gunshots had been.

“No problem.” Stephanie smiled ear to ear. “It’s good to hear you want to get real work done.”

“Well, if this touching moment is over, I need to go wrap up with Alex. He seemed pretty eager to show me some things. Do you want to come along and inspect the troops, or do you have to go send out those contracts? By the way, do I get paid too, or do I need to go find my office and tell them I’m not dead yet?” Darwin laughed.

“What’s mine is yours, dear.”

“So . . .” Darwin waited for Stephanie to give him a real answer.

“No, you don’t need to go back to that pencil-pushing job,” Stephanie laughed. “But you should probably call the police and tell them that you’re not missing. You’ll be questioned about that unfortunate incident in your apartment, but I’ll make sure that all gets swept neatly under the rug. Also, we may need to stop by your place later and pick up any of the old things you want that were left behind. Anyway, let’s go check things out!”

Things that I might need that I’ve left behind? No, I’m happy just leaving everything from that life behind.
Darwin grinned. “You sure you don’t need to send those contracts out? I mean, they are going to be waiting on them.”

“I already knew everyone would agree, so I had it arranged while you were trying to figure out why Kass was running circles around you like a Kenyan track star at your favorite game.” Stephanie’s smile and laugh must have been contagious as they both spread to Kass.

“It’s not my fault your oafish big fingers can’t operate a controller that small,” Kass chimed in. “Or let’s at least hope that’s the reason since his character was bumbling around worse than a staggering drunk attempting parkour.” Stephanie had verbally stabbed him, but Kass had just dug the knife further in.

“That’s it. I’m going to have to play solo-RPGs from now on.” Darwin threw up his hands in defeat.

“Come on, you big baby, let’s go see what Alex has to show us.” Stephanie took one of the hands Darwin had thrown in the air, pulled it down and promptly latched onto it, starting to walk towards Alex and dragging Darwin with her.

Darwin smiled.
This is the good life,
he thought as he followed after Stephanie for a moment. Kass joined them, walking on his other side as she fiddled around with her staff. “I really need to get some levels and replace this,” she mumbled.

“We’ll have plenty of time,” Darwin said before reaching up and unconsciously adjusting his crown.

Reliquary

The Monster Manual
:

Beetle-Bee
: With one horn in the front and one horn in the back, the four-foot-long Beetle-Bee is deadly from both ends. Its favorite method of attacking is using its wings to propel it into its foe horn first and swinging its stinger into the enemy as soon as impact occurs.

Strengths:
Japanese gambling games, flower collecting.

Weaknesses
: Strong winds, alcohol (A drunk Beetle-Bee is more sad than deadly.)

Black Bear
: Sometimes a bear is just a bear, and that’s all there is to it. With nothing but muscles, claws and an appetite greater than its cuteness, beware of the bear.

Strengths
: Bear arms, salmon, napping.

Weaknesses
: Honeypots, bees, overnapping.

Blue-Drakes
: Contrary to popular belief, the color of the drake’s skin does not change the element it shoots out of its mouth. Instead, it just makes it harder to spot on a nice sunny day with a clear blue sky. Acting as a sort of camouflage, the blue scales help it sneak up on unsuspecting forest creatures when the drake decides it is time for a barbeque. A very handy trick to have on a Saturday afternoon.

Strengths
: Doesn’t ever need a lighter, wingmen often have actual wings, can disco dance with amazing talent.

Weaknesses
: The Blue-Drake will often accidently burn its own TV when watching sports due to the difficulty of controlling flames while cheering.

Bumba-Ant:
This four-foot-tall goat horn equipped black and yellow ant is constantly struggling to stay alive in the cruel world that made it. It’s too large to sneak away with picnic food unnoticed and too big to survive on the small amount of food the queen gives out. That’s why, unlike any of the other species of ants, this particular one has given up on perfect structure and order, and formed a union: one that spans the entire species, protecting the innocent workers from the tyranny of the queens.

Strengths
: Building stuff, especially sand castles.

Weakness
: Magnifying glasses.

The Burglar
: If you’ve ever had to pay money for locks, a security system and theft insurance, you can thank this mob. Adverse to hard work and determined to take that which is not theirs, the only thing worse than their impact on family vacations is their often awful fashion sense and insistence on wearing women’s lingerie and ski attire for masks.

Strengths
: Good at acting dangerous to pick up less than intelligent mates.

Weaknesses:
Dogs, police officers, angry mothers.

Deer-Frog
: Old men aren’t the only ones who are horny when they croak; so are the Deer Frogs. Their creepy, giant googly-eyes are always following their prey. For those who aren’t careful, a quick tongue will latch onto its victim and pull the giant man-sized frog straight into its prey--or the other way around, depending on who is heavier--leaving its antlers firmly planted in its victim.

Strengths
: Giant man-sized flies, beer commercials, tap dancing.

Weaknesses:
Fire, ice.

Demon-Mole
: They have all the standard red, beady-eyed attributes of a demon, but they are moles. Raised on a diet of guacaMole, aniMole crackers and Mole-assus, one has more to fear from their imMole-ating abilities than their Mole-ars, though both can ensure a disMole fate for a foe.

Strengths
: Spying, sneaking behind enemy lines, making a black spot on someone’s skin.

Weaknesses
: 6.02 x 10^23

Devil-Moose:
The Devil-Moose actually used to be called the Angel-Moose and was renown for attempting to save everyone it could. That is of course, until it found out that it was no longer included in its nations ‘Free Health Care’ policies. The cursed governor put in a clause that made it for only Humans, driving the Angel-Moose down the road to darkness, where they have since lived. Hunting, killing, and murdering the people who took away their excellent dental plan are these guys new pastimes.

Strengths
: It is great at telling jokes that are, a-moose-ing.

Weakness
: Always stops for maple syrup.

Editor
: Died during the making of this book from facepalming too hard while trying to clean up the book’s grammar. May or may not have been from a Hemingway-like stupor.