The Bathrobe Knight: Volume 3 (22 page)

Chapter 6 – She’s Still Not Dead?

Valerie
:

As Valerie flew back and landed beside her merry band of cannon fodder, she felt that her desire to laugh at her pawns was becoming nearly uncontrollable.
Look at them rage against reason like they think that they’re anything more than toys to be played with. This is a game. Fun for everyone. Be happy you’re my victims.
Valerie’s irrepressible laughter spilled out, and she found herself giggling softly but at a joke only she was in on. “Come on, boys! You’re moving too slow! Me and my two girlfriends here would love to play with you!” she said, putting an arm around Minx and Mclean, both of whom shot her an uncomfortable look.

What is wrong with you? What’s gotten into you?
She could almost hear them question her with their stares as the enemies barreled towards them.
Life!
she wanted to say back to them with her own facial expression, but as complex as a face was, it just couldn’t convey some sentiments. It couldn’t say what she actually needed: ‘Mclean, play along. We’re the bad guys here. Also, if you’re going to open with your dive skill, you should probably be in the air about now. You know, before they show up. After all, it’s kind of hard to execute from the ground.’ Valerie kicked her feet at the ground as if testing its existence.

Mclean shot her another confused look, but then shot up into the sky a second later, Daniel following quickly behind. “Is acting weird part of her plan?” she could hear Mclean asking.

I shouldn’t have shown this side in front of them. They’re going to know something is up . . .
Valerie lamented, giving up her rouse and dropping her facade of innocence, but she knew she didn’t have a choice. This plan required that the enemies hate her, not sympathize with her.

“Kass, use those snowballs I know you love to keep them clustered up. If someone starts running faster than the next one, slow them down with a good ice ball in the face.”

“So the Blue-Drakes are more effective?” Kass asked, not failing to start the process immediately, but still succeeding at putting her foot in her mouth.

No, not so they are more effective, but so that . . . Never mind.
Valerie almost replied, but quickly and reluctantly gave up on the idea of spelling it out for Kass. What was the point of laying out her play for someone who would barely even understand it? It’d just be a waste of breath.

Alright! First up to bat!
Valerie thought with a smile, running towards the opposing guild. As soon as she got close enough to see one of the mages casting, she turned around and flew back into the forest, making sure the circle would be complete. Kass’s ice stopped some of them, and Mclean and Daniel swooped in to pick off a mage each, but for the most part, they focused on chasing her.
Why are they so persistent? Who would have ever thought that cutting off a single head would leave the entire snake writhing so helplessly on the ground?
she cackled to herself. She saw three of them stop and turn to fight Daniel and Mclean as she turned around to check on them. “Aww, you guys are so easy to distract,” she taunted, trying to pick up the Jotunns who had turned around to fight her White-Wing guildmates and get them back on the bread trail as she ran.

The wind rushed through her hair as she darted forward at full speed. She looked at her wrist as if a watch were there.
It’s time, ladies and gentlemen. Let’s roll the dice,
she giggled to herself. Then, as quickly as she had found herself laughing, she forced herself to stop grinning altogether, took out her own knife, gashed her own stomach skin deep and acted like she tripped, landing face first on the ground.
Got her,
she could feel them thinking at her back.
Those idiots.
She had to fight very hard to stop her face from looking happy as they closed in on her. “HELP!” she yelled. “HELP! I’M BEING GANKED!” she screamed at the top of her lungs.
They’re close enough. They’ve heard me,
she thought with satisfaction
. Now, the only question left: Will I die in this battle?

“Help? Who is it?” said someone from the second group as it came pouring out of the woods. It was mostly comprised of beast-men, and they all milled about, talking over one another, asking what was going on. It was immediately clear that they completely lacked the cohesion, structure and order of command the first group had originally displayed. They took one look at Valerie, blood covering the hand she held tightly against her self-inflicted wound as she looked up from the ground, and then started charging at the Jotunns, who were closing in on Valerie by the second.

“He . . . el . . . p . . . me,” Valerie said feebly, making one last plea and then pretending to pass out face-first into the dirt. This may have shocked the Jotunns who could see her, but their surprise wasn’t visible enough to be noticed by Valerie’s newly arrived reinforcements.
Suckers,
she laughed to herself. She did her best not to either make a sound or move as she lay on the ground, eyes closed tightly. Her only regret was that she couldn’t watch the initial impact of the two forces as they collided.

“Get the PKs! Get those filthy PKs!” The angry mob of beast-men fell perfectly into her trap.
How is it that, even after decades of wonderful gender equality movements, people will always react like the world was set on fire when they see a hurt girl, but stay reticent and cautious when they see an injured man?
She quietly listened, waiting for her cue, a chance to move again as the beast-men and the Jotunn’s battled it out.
They hate me, but if I’m playing possum, they’ll try to kill the animals first.

Then, as if fate were listening to her schemes and approving of them, one of the beast-men started healing her. “Don’t die just yet,” the lizard-man said as he cast a restorative spell on her. She wouldn’t have known there was even magic being cast if she hadn’t felt her wounds patching themselves up.
At least I won’t have to worry about a scar,
she thought as she did her best to finish selling the illusion of her faked injury, struggling to stand up like someone who still hadn’t fully recovered.
Wobbly legs? Check. Shaking arms? Check. Bewildered look like I’ve been woken up from a nap? Check.
She rattled off the symptoms she would need in her head as she mimicked each one. She might have just popped back up, but if the heal spell wasn’t a very strong one, then suspicion would be drawn too early.

“Thank you so much! Thank you so much! I thought I was dead.” Valerie did her best to keep her voice as timid and shaky as she could. “But . . .” She looked back towards where the others were still fighting. Minx was weaving in and out of the battle, dodging attacks and cutting hamstrings as she danced through the wave of incoming arrows, fireballs and swords; Kass was doing her best to keep the enemy away from her by throwing ice balls at anything that came close as she ran around like a chicken with its head cut off; and Daniel and Mclean were bouncing around in the air like spaceships that can’t steer in a debris field. “But . . . my team.”

“It’s okay. We’ll save you guys. Just get some cover.”

“Thank you again. I don’t know what I would have done if you guys hadn’t shown up when you did!” Valerie backed up, watching the skirmish unfold behind her.
Well, that’s not true. I know exactly what I would have done. I would have just used those new yellow shield-generating snow cones, a good air patrol and a little organization to wipe out the enemy if you hadn’t shown up. But the silver lining to this cloud is that we don’t have to risk any permanent losses, and we can make sure your two groups never work together against us in the future.

The pawns were actually pretty fun to watch fight. She especially liked watching the Grendel-Kin, with its disgusting furry visage, slam into one of the fat Ursine warriors. The result was both being carried back three feet, directly into a poor and unsuspecting Feline that was doing her best just to hold off an Earth-Walker.
Such a poorly-balanced group of animals. They only have a few healers and no strategy or composition.
She sighed as the lizard-man who had saved her failed to do the same for a separate rat-like warrior who had gotten his head blown to bits by a well-placed fireball.
If something isn’t done, then the loss might be too one-sided,
she noted, painfully aware at how poorly the new arrivals were doing.
I guess I need to even the odds.
She readied both her daggers and flew into the air, ready to execute her dive on one of the Jotunn healers.

She knew exactly which ones were which. It wasn’t hard to tell. Sure, they did a great job of hiding who the healers were--one of them was even holding a shield and sword and hovering incredibly close to the front line, faking as if he intended to enter combat--but the fact that he wasn’t contributing any damage and was instead using only shields and heals was painfully obvious.

I’m sorry you have to die, little buddy,
she thought as she dove through the air straight towards his chest. The only problem was her diving skill wasn’t working. It normally would have activated, but now she was doing her best to remember exactly how it had worked. When she crashed into the healer, bouncing off his shield, the result produced far less damage than a dive normally would have.
What the . . .?
Her face twisted up.
This isn’t part of the plan.
She grumbled to herself as she picked up her daggers and stabbed at the healer’s shield over and over again until it broke.
You were supposed to die with the dive!
She sighed audibly when she finally sank her dagger into his chest. There was something strangely satisfying about watching her blade sink in and split open his sternum. It was like cutting a potato in half with a butcher’s knife, but there was also something disappointing.
Why didn’t he fight back? They’re supposed to hate me, but no-one even tried to stop me?
she wondered, looking around at the fight.

It was then that Valerie realized that, as soon as she had interrupted the shield maker, the fight had tipped again. The ‘distressed damsel’ group, what Valerie was calling the group of beast-men who heroically came to her rescue before ever even asking why she was being attacked in the first place, was now starting to win the fight.
It’s too quick. They’re going to win too easily. There will be far too many . . .

Valerie paused, her eyes flickering as she watched a horror movie unfold behind the lids. A vivid scene of a slasher taking his first prey completely unawares played through as she stood quietly in the middle of the field.
The difference between triumph and defeat is knowing who to trust and when to do it.
Valerie smiled, her eyes blazing with excitement. Now, all she had to do was wait . . . wait and watch.
Too bad I don’t have any popcorn in my inventory because this is one heck of a show,
she mused to herself as everyone but her struggled in what looked like some life or death event.

When the battle was finally won, when the rescuers and Valerie’s friends finally finished off the last of the invading Earth-Walker’s troops and were gathering in a group, Valerie couldn’t contain her joy.
It’s here. It’s here. The time is here!
she laughed. “Thank you so much!” she said to the leader. “My name’s Valerie. I don’t know what I would have done without you! They were going to kill us because our group finished a quest that revealed the secret to this challenging dungeon and how to kill the Demons without taking casualties. We tried to let them in on the plan, but they wanted everything for themselves.” Valerie faked a pout.
Is this what Minx feels like all the time? Does she enjoy watching people trip over their mistaken assumptions?

“There’s a secret to the quest?” he asked, taking the bait.

“Of course there is! Do you think the game would make a quest that was unbeatable? But no-one investigated! Everyone just rushed over here and didn’t put in the time and effort. We figured it out, but then they wanted to reap what we sowed.” She did her best to fake a sigh that sounded like she was both exhausted and frustrated. “We would have split the reward because the boss is still going to be really hard, but people are just so greedy these days.” She looked back at Daniel, who was walking up behind her, trying to signal him with her eyes but failing.
He does get what I’m doing, right?

“Yeah, it’s not like we want it all,” Daniel said, moving in closer to two of the other players as Valerie closed the distance between herself and the leader. “If you guys helped us pull it off, we could split the loot with you. We only ask for about thirty or forty percent of it? That’s not too much, is it?”

“Well . . .” The unnamed leader looked to a few of the other players in his party who quickly nodded their assent. The beasts had won, but they hadn’t done so without casualties. In fact, almost half their group had been killed during the fight. It was still too many for Valerie to take on in a direct skirmish, but it definitely wasn’t enough to even try a raid on the dungeon by themselves. “If you help us keep the position secure until our guildmates respawn and make it back, I don’t see why we can’t help you out,” he agreed.

“Excellent!” Valerie clapped her hands together. “Then that settles it. We should get started on our end right away. Minx, can you sneak off with Daniel to activate the betrayer quest line with the guard at the top of the mountain?”