The Bathrobe Knight: Volume 3 (13 page)

Darwin wasn’t used to Kitchens talking straight. He had half-expected even that speech to come as ‘Fire should be . . .’ and ‘You need to be more like water when . . .’ or something. But, for what Darwin guessed was a very personal reason, this wasn’t the type of subject the man minced words with or took a chance that the other party didn’t get it. “I understand,” Darwin said, nodding.

“Good. Now, you need to do your best to not let it happen again. Minx, Mclean and Daniel may be joking around about the topic, but that’s only because they don’t know what else to say or do. You were pretty ghastly in that fight: you even shoved one person’s body part into another person’s mouth to kill him.”

“Right . . . So, to ease the tension, I probably should . . .” Darwin wondered what sagely solution could possibly make people less nervous around him.

“Ease the tension? Just let that happen naturally. I’m going to tell you an important lesson you learn as a man: Sometimes you should just run away. In fact, you should handle this subject just like I handle the topic of sex with Minx: Never bring it up and hope the other party forgets all about it.” Kitchens nodded, happy with his advice.

“Kitchens, thank you.” Darwin figured there were a lot of potentially-eloquent things he could say, but the man had opened up about what felt like a rather dark, real-life story to give him advice about his problems and make it relatable, so he didn’t want to botch the moment with a lame response.

“No problem, kid,” Kitchens said and turned to head back to the rest of the party.

Kid? I’m like thirty years old! How old are you that you think I’m a kid?
He wanted to ask, but he figured there wouldn’t be a point.

When they walked back to the group, Minx was riding on Fuzzy Wuzzy’s shoulders as the bear did circles around Daniel and Mclean, who were busy talking and laughing about something.

“So what’s the game plan? Go find another dungeon and kill some more people or wait around and see if yet another group shows up?” Mclean asked.

“Wait, where’s Alex?” Darwin asked, avoiding the obvious ‘How many groups actually showed up’
question that he really wanted to ask.

“He took the wounded inside and went to reorganize the troops. Said he’d be back out if the scouts gave word again.”

“Well, we might as well wait for Kass or Valerie anyway.” Darwin shrugged. “Do most guilds have this problem?”

“It depends. If they based their entire guild in a mountain, they might.” Mclean shrugged too, tossing one of her knives up in the air and catching it.

“Or if they have a secret quest set by a mysterious NPC to kill their guild leader and break the portal to Hell, that might also explain the attack,” Daniel said, moving his finger around in that weird and awkward way people used to back during the hand motion technology craze.

“Wait, what?” Even Fuzzy Wuzzy seemed curious as they all stopped what they were doing and looked at Daniel.

“Yeah. There is a huge reward on your head, Darwin. You’re marked as the boss of this dungeon, and it’s said that you’re protecting an evil portal to Hell that will unleash a flood of Demons. Since the beta stage is ending, and the game is making its official release soon, players are speculating that this is going to be the huge loot giveaway quest. They are starting to migrate from all over to participate, even though half the forum is complaining that there wouldn’t be just ‘one’ quest on ‘one’ side of the map since it’d be too unfair to the other regions.” Daniel’s shocked expression made him look as if he had seen a ghost. “It even has your race listed, Darwin. It says you’re the mighty King of the Demons. I mean, I don’t know if StormGuard Alliance is a monarchy, but you guys are Demons, right?”

“Well, this really does complicate things, doesn’t it?” Darwin looked back at Lawlheima. “Anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this?”

Chapter 4 – Flap Protection Saves Lives

Kass
:

Kass had never been happier to see the front of her house in her life than she was when Charles’s driver dropped her off right outside of it after that incredibly awkward breakfast, so, when she finally got home and logged on, the euphoria was still very much present. That break from the tension and drama made her feel lighter than a feather as she booted up her character.
Today will be a better day,
she told herself, trying her best to put behind the heavy topics and ignore the conversations and events of the last twenty-four hours.

As she logged in, finding herself still inside Lawlheima where she had logged out the night before, she saw an NPC clearing away the Blue-Drake camp that had spawned right next to her. Then, as she was walking to the entrance, she noticed Valerie, who was staring down at her legs and moving them around a little.

“Hey, Valerie! What’s up? Did you just log on too?” Kass asked as she ran over to her winged friend. She wasn’t exactly close to Daniel, Mclean and Valerie, but she still did her best to be chummy with them.

It sometimes felt like the guild was broken into three groups. The first was Minx, Fuzzy Wuzzy, Kitchens and herself; the second was Daniel, Valerie and Mclean; and the third was Alex and the rest of the NPCs. The only common factor in each group seemed to be the horned hero himself, Darwin. It wasn’t exactly like she had planned it that way, or anyone had, but it’s just how the groups had naturally developed due to who hung out more. She was kind of happy that, after the last big battle, apparently everyone other than herself had bonded. That’s why she was putting on her best smile and was stopping to chat with Valerie before rushing to go meet up with Darwin.
Though being around Darwin is kind of my job now, isn’t it?
she grumbled to herself. She had only told Charles that she would think about it, but while they were eating, Charles had insisted that he was going to act with the assumption that she had already taken him up on his offer and sent a stipend to her account.
God, it feels so dirty thinking that hanging out with my friends is just a job I’m being paid for,
she lamented to herself.

“Oh.” Valerie, who had been lost in her own thoughts, looked up at Kass with a kind of surprised expression. “I guess I’m fine? Maybe? Do you see anything different?”

If you get sick in real life, does your avatar in the game even show it?
Kass wondered as she tilted her head. She was about to respond with a joking answer like ‘No, you could definitely use more makeup than a DIY zombie kit would even have,’ but then she stopped herself.
Am I even close enough to her to make that joke?
she wondered as she inspected Valerie’s face. “I . . . I don’t know. Did you cut your hair?” she asked, knowing that was generally the physical change most people failed to notice about a girl.

“My hair?” Valerie looked up. “No . . . No, it looks fine. Oh, well . . . Let’s umm . . . Let’s not worry about it then. I just thought . . . Never mind. Let’s go meet up with the others.” She forced a rather painful-looking smile and started heading outside. Kass really didn’t know where the others were. She forgot more times than she remembered that she could track Darwin using the map feature, but it didn’t matter.

“Yeah, sounds great,” Kass replied, catching up with her. “I’m looking forward to getting some levels. Level 60 should give us some great new skills.” She grinned ear to ear. Just thinking about the awesome abilities she might get made her mouth water more than the smell of a well-marinated tenderloin barbecuing on a hot day.

“I just can’t wait to see the dungeons! Or can you imagine the next towns we will run into? First that city of glass, then the cool walled city . . . I wonder what we’ll see next. It’s like going through an architectural wonderland!” Valerie seemed, at least to Kass, to be a bit too enthused about the layouts of different cities. “I wonder what the City of Light will look like . . .” She trailed off for a moment. “But, yeah, even this place is going to look so great when it’s finished!”

Kass, who had never seen Valerie talk about something with much enthusiasm, had to kind of shake her head at the poor girl’s interest. “Well, if you’re really into that stuff, I suppose we could talk to Darwin about going north and checking out that Arabian-themed city? It’s supposed to feature some of the most intricate, beautiful buildings. I hear a lot of them have ornate, gold-capped roofs.”

“Arabian city? They’re not going to make us cover up, are they?” Valerie laughed, pulling her wing over her face in lieu of any cloth.

“Nah, it’s just the design theme that’s Arabian. The culture is more European. The races have a Nordic touch like Jotunn and Earth-Walkers rather than Djinn,” Kass said through a chuckle at Valerie’s joke.
She’s not a bad person to hang out with. Kinda funny in her own way,
Kass noted.

“Earth-Walkers . . .” The words made Valerie look like she had lost her footing for a second as she considered what Kass had said. “So I guess Fire-Walkers weren’t the only elemental stompers. I’m kind of surprised. I thought they might use a different body part for the description. After all, Fire-Walkers could summon fire from pretty much anywhere. Maybe switch it up with the naming? Something like Earth-Hands maybe?”

“Or Ice-Cro--” Kass began to add onto Valerie’s thought, but Valerie quickly interrupted her lewd comment.

“No! Not going there! Clean thoughts, Kass!” Valerie was laughing at it even as she stopped her. “Hey, what the . . . Holy crud, what happened?”

When Kass and Valerie exited the cave, they were greeted by a full phalanx that stood quietly facing forward and blocking them as if it were a closed gate. In front of the phalanx was a raised earthen wall of sorts with one part of it broken down and traces of smoke coming up in the distance behind it. Kass couldn’t see what Valerie was talking about though as the avian had flown up a bit the second she had seen the wall block their entrance.

“Lady Kass.” Alex appeared at Kass’s side almost as soon as she saw the phalanx. “Would you like me to escort you through the men to the Great Lord Darwin?”

Ah, yeah. I guess Alex could help me walk through this thing.
“Sure, if you don’t mind,” she answered.
When do I get ‘Great’ added to my title?
She laughed to herself, remembering how important that was to her at one time not too long ago. Now, she’d just be happy to play the game without worrying about evil, scheming teenagers stealing her man and destroying humanity before she could get a first date.
How exactly does playing a game help someone to undo humanity? I still don’t get it. Something isn’t adding up.
Kass frowned.
Am I just too dumb to understand what she could possibly be plotting, or is it a lack of information?

“Right this way, Lady Kass.” Alex gave a half bow then shouted to the phalanx, “Line Row 12!” One of the rows around the middle of the phalanx shifted, men scuffling about, to reveal an opening big enough for a person to easily move through.

She was wondering why the phalanx was so well formed when there had been so many undead soldiers to defend the place and what was going on with all the fortifications around Lawlheima, but when she finally passed through their formations, it all became clear. There were bodies littered about all over the place, almost all of them around her usual group of players. Darwin was covered in blood to the point where his horns and face, obviously wiped off at some point, were the only part of him not dripping red.

“Ugh. Was there another large fight? Did we miss out on a big battle?” Valerie complained as she flew above Kass and Alex.

“Another big fight?” Kass asked aloud, very confused. “I don’t understand. Was there a first one?”

“Oh, yeah, you weren’t here. Darwin and Alex put together an incredible defense against thousands of the Panda King’s toughest and meanest soldiers. We were kind of confused because the Panda King never showed up in the fight, but it was a clear win. I don’t know all the details, but by the time I logged on yesterday, most of the defense was already prepared by Darwin and the NPCs. I don’t think that guy ever logs off or sleeps. All we had to do was help with some finishing touches before crushing the Animal Kingdom’s army,” Valerie explained.

“You mean . . .” Kass looked at the bodies around the group. If what Valerie said was true, and they had already gone through two large battles, that meant everyone in the group but her was probably Level 60 already.

“Yeah, sorry, Kass. You missed out on a lot of EXP. But apparently there was another fight, so maybe it wasn’t your only shot. Maybe there will be more opportunities for you to level up off the Panda King’s army if he is still attacking.” Valerie sounded sympathetic towards Kass and her absenteeism.

Kass looked at one of the bodies she and Alex had to step over on their way to Darwin. “No, these aren’t beast men. This one is clearly a Jotunn,” she said, making sure not to lose her footing in the blood.

“Weird, but I thought you just said that their town was in the north. It isn’t close to us, is it?” Valerie asked.

“No, it isn’t. It’s almost half a day’s travel if you go by boat. For them to be this far south and have this many races mixed in, something’s not right.” Kass’s frown deepened, sagging more than clocks in a Dali painting.

“You’re not wrong there,” Darwin, who was now close enough to hear her statement, responded. “There’s apparently a quest to clean out this dungeon.”