The Barrytown Trilogy (5 page)

—He’s up there watching, Brothers.

—Now, said Jimmy when they all had one. —What’s wrong with tha’?

—Nothin’.

—He looks grand, doesn’t he?

———Yeah.

—We’ll get good ones. Fitted. ———Okay?

Outspan looked up.

—Okay.

* * *

One of the best was the night Jimmy gave them their stage names.

—What’s wrong with our ordin’y names? Dean wanted to know.

—Nothin’, Dean, said Jimmy. —Nothin’ at all.

—Well then?

—Look, said Jimmy. —Take Joey. He’s Joey Fagan, righ’? ——Plain, ordin’ry Joey Fagan. An ordin’ry little bollix.

—That’s me, Brother, said Joey The Lips. —I’m the Jesus of Ordinary.

—But when Joey goes on-stage he’s Joey The Lips Fagan.

—So?

—He’s not ordin’y up there. He’s special. —He needs a new name.

—Soul is dignity, Joey The Lips reminded them.

—What’s dignified abou’ a stupid name like The fuckin’ Lips?

—I bleed, said Joey The Lips.

—Sorry, Joey. Nothin’ personal.

Joey the Lips smiled.

—It’s part o’ the image, said Jimmy. —Like James Brown is the Godfather of Soul.

—He’s still just James Brown though.

—Sometimes he’s James Mr Please Please Please Brown.

——Is he? said Outspan. —Sounds thick though, doesn’t it?

—Ours won’t, said Jimmy.

He took out his notebook.

—I’ve been doin’ some thinkin’ abou’ it.

—Oh fuck!

—Listen. ——Okay, we already have Joey The Lips Fagan, righ’. Now ———James, you’ll be James The Soul Surgeon Clifford.

There were cheers and a short burst of clapping.

—Is tha’ okay? Jimmy asked.

—I like it, said James.

He liked it alright. He was delighted.

—The Soul Surgeon performs transplants on the old piano, he said.

—That’s it, said Jimmy. —That’s the type o’ thing. Everyone in the group becomes a personality.

—Go on, Jimmy.

They were getting excited.

—Derek.

—Yes, Jimmy?

—You’re Derek The Meatman Scully.

They laughed.

—Wha’ the fuck’s tha’ abou’? Derek asked.

He was disappointed.

—Are you fuckin’ slaggin’ me?

—You’re a butcher, said Jimmy.

—I know I’m a fuckin’ butcher.

—Yeh play the bass like a butcher, said Jimmy.

—Fuckin’ thanks!

—It’s a compliment, it’s a compliment. ——Yeh wield the axe, —know wha’ I mean?

—I’ll wield your bollix if yeh don’t think of a better name.

—Hang on. —You’ll like this. ————Over in America, righ’, d’yeh know wha’ meat is?

—The same as it is here.

—’cept there’s more of it.

—No, listen, said Jimmy. —Meat is slang for your langer.

There were cheers and screams.

—That’s fuckin’ disgustin’, said Natalie.

—Hang on a minute, said Derek. —Is Meatman the American way o’ sayin’ Langerman?

—Yeah.

—Why not call him Langerman then?

—Or Dickhead, said Deco.

—Fuck off, you, said Derek.

He wasn’t happy at all.

—Listen, he said.

This wasn’t going to be easy, especially with the girls there.

—There’s nothin’ special abou’ my langer.

—YEEOOW, DEREK!

—Gerrup, Derek, yeh boy yeh!

—A bit of quiet please, Brothers, said Joey The Lips.

—It’s the image, said Jimmy. ——Annyway, nobody’ll know wha’ the name stands for till we break it in the States.

—It’s a good name, said Joey The Lips. —Every band needs its Meatman.

———I don’t know, said Derek. —Me ma would kill me if she knew I was called after me gooter.

—She won’t know.

—I’ll tell her, said Outspan.

—Fuck off.

—Righ’, said Jimmy. —Next ———Deco.

—Can I be Meatman too, Jimmy?

—No, said Jimmy. —You’re Declan Blanketman Cuffe.

—That’s a rapid name, said Outspan.

—Politics an’ sex, said Jimmy. —Wha’ d’yeh think, Deco?

—Yeah, said Deco.

—Billy.

—Howyeh.

—Billy The Animal Mooney.

—Ah deadly! Animal. ——Thanks, Jimmy.

—No sweat. ———Okay, Dean next. ——Dean. Dean sat up.

—You’re Dean Good Times Fay.

Cheers.

—That’s grand, said Dean.

—Wha’ abou’ us? said Imelda.

—Hang on, said Jimmy. ——Outspan, we can’t call yeh Outspan.

—Why not?

—It’s racialist.

—WHA’!

—It’s racialist. ——South African oranges.

—That’s fuckin’ crazy, Jimmy, said Billy.

—It’s me jaysis name, said Outspan.

—Not your real name.

—Even me oul’ one calls me Outspan.

—No she doesn’t, said Derek.

—Fuck off you or I’ll trounce yeh.—

—I saw a thing on telly, said Dean. —It said they make black prisoners, righ’, pick the oranges.

—I don’t make annyone pick fuckin’ oranges! said Outspan.

—Soul has no skin colour, Brothers and Sisters, said Joey The Lips.

—I don’t even like oranges, said Outspan. —’cept them satsumas. ——They’re nice.

—Does soul eat oranges, Joey?

—Leave Joey alone, Fuckface, said Jimmy. —Listen, ——your name’s Liam, righ’?

—I fuckin’ know tha’, thanks, said Outspan.

—It’s not a very soulful name.

—Aah ——fuckin’ hell! I can’t even have me real name now.

—Shut up a minute. ——What’s your second name?

—Wha’ d’yeh mean, like?

—I’m James Anthony Rabbitte. What’re you?

—Liam, said Outspan.

He went scarlet.

————Terence Foster.

—Howyeh, Terence, Imelda waved across at him.

He was going to tell her to fuck off but he didn’t because he fancied her.

(Along with Jimmy, Derek, Deco, Billy, James and Dean, Outspan was in love with Imelda.)

—Righ’, said Jimmy. —You are L. Terence Foster. —Listen to it, said Jimmy. —It sounds great. L. Terence Foster, L. Terence Foster. Doesn’t it sound great?

—It sounds deadly, said Derek. —Better than bleedin’ Meatman.

—Swap yeh, said Outspan.

—No way, said Jimmy.

—Wha’ abou’ us? said Bernie.

—Righ’, said Jimmy. —Are yis ready, girls? ——Yis are ——Sonya, Sofia, an’ Tanya, The Commitmentettes.

The girls screamed and then laughed.

—I bags Sonya, said Imelda.

—I’m Sofia then, said Natalie. —Sofia Loren.

—With a head like tha’?

—Fuck yourself, you.

—You’ve the arse for it anyway, Nat’lie.

—Fuck yourself.

—Wha’ abou’ me? said Bernie.

She’d forgotten the last name.

—You’re Fido, said Deco.

—Fuck yourself, said Natalie.

—Fuck yourself, Deco said back at her.

Natalie spat at his face.

—Here! Stop tha’, said Jimmy.

—Hope yeh catch AIDS off it, said Natalie.

Deco let it go because he was in love with Natalie too.

—You’re Tanya, Bernie, said Jimmy.

—Why can’t I be Bernie?

—It’s the image, Bernie.

—You’ll always be Bernie to us, Bernie, said James.

—I must say, Jimmy, said Joey The Lips. —You’ve got a great managerial head on your shoulders.

—Thanks, Joey, said Jimmy.

—Brothers, Sisters, said Joey The Lips. —Would you please put your hands together to show your appreciation to Brother James Anthony Rabbitte.

They clapped, all of them.

* * *

Then, after months, they were ready to rehearse.

Joey The Lips got rid of some of the chairs to make room in the garage. They had the amps, speakers and mikes in position, and Joey The Lips’ mother’s upright piano.

They stood around feeling excited but stupid, embarrassed, afraid.

Joey The Lips went around listening to the instruments. He frowned and turned knobs, listened again, nodded and went
on to the next instrument. He impressed the others. Here was a man who knew what he was doing.

Jimmy was lost here. He hadn’t a clue how to get the rehearsal started.

Joey The Lips took over.

—Brothers, Sisters. I thank The Lord Jesus for today.

—Fuck off, Joey.

—We’ll start with an easy one. Have yaw’l——

—Yaw’l! For fuck sake!

—Have YOU ALL been listening to What Becomes of the Broken Hearted?

—We sure have, Massa Joey sir boss.

—Whooee!

Joey The Lips played the tape for them. They listened, frightened, to Jimmy Ruffin. They could never do that. Only Deco thought he could do better.

Joey The Lips turned the tape off.

—Alright, Sisters, let’s have the Ooh ooh oohs at the beginning.

—God, I’m scarleh, said Imelda.

—Brother James, would you play the girls in please?

—Certainly, Joseph, said James.

Four times James tried to lead the girls but they couldn’t follow.

—They’re all lookin’ at us, said Bernie.

—Hurry up, for Jaysis sake, said Deco.

—No, Declan, said Joey The Lips. —We’re in no rush. Rome wasn’t built in a day.

—Dublin was though, wha’.

—A fuckin’ hour.

This time the girls followed James.

—UUH — UUH — UUH

They were shaking. They all heard the shaking in their voices but they didn’t look at anybody and kept going.

—UUH — UUH — UUH —
UUH — UUH — UUH

—That was terrific, ladies, said Joey The Lips. —The Commitmentettes.

—Well done, girls, said Jimmy.

—Right now, said Joey The Lips. —Let’s hear The Blanketman.

Deco had the words on a sheet of paper. James donk donk donked, the girls UUH UUH UUHed and then Deco held the mike in his hand and sang. And sang well.

—AS I WALK THIS LAND
OF BROKE —
       EN DREE — EE — EAMS———

Deco lifted his voice for single words, then brought it back down again. He stopped before a word (—THIS) and thumped it. He slapped his thigh and tapped the heel of his right foot.

—I HAVE VISIONS O’ MANY THING—
INGS—

—Sisters, Joey The Lips shouted.

—Wha’? said Natalie.

—I want you to come in there, okay?

—How?

—Joey The Lips sang: —OF MANY THINGINGS. After Declan sings it, okay? ——Right, Brother Deco. ——I have visions.

—I HAVE VISIONS O’ MANY THING —
INGS —

—Sisters!

—OF MANY THINGINGS, sang the girls.

—Good good.

—BUT ——HAPPINESS IS JUST AN ILLU —
SHUN —

—Sisters!

—JUST AN ILLUSION —

—Good.

—FILLED WITH SADNESS AN’ CON —
FEU —
  SHUN —

—Go with him, girls.

—WHA’ BECOMES O’ THE BROKE —
EN HEARTED —

WHO —

    HAVE LOVES THA’ ARE NOW DE-
PAR —TED——

I KNOW I’VE GOT TO FIND —

SOME KIND O’ PEACE O’ MIND ——

BAY —
   BEEE —

—Right, girls.

—UUH — EEE — UUH.

—Wonderful, Joey The Lips shouted.

He meant it. It had been woeful, but it was a start. Joey The Lips believed in starts. Once you had the start the rest was inevitable. The Lord made sure of that.

It was three in the morning when they stopped. They concentrated on the same song.

There were problems. Joey The Lips spent half the night twiddling knobs and yelling at the rest to get away from the amps. There were shrieks and groans and wails from the speakers.

Billy kept drumming too fast. At half-twelve they found out he’d been messing. Jimmy stepped in and told him off in no uncertain terms. (—You’re a cunt, Mooney.) Derek was lost for a while but Joey The Lips told him just to do what James was doing. That was grand, just the same note three times, one and then the other two together, then the same again, and again right through.

The girls were suffering by two o’clock. Joey The Lips had to tune Outspan’s guitar for him.

Jimmy had to take Deco aside and tell him to be patient.

—Give them a while, said Jimmy. —They’re not ALL naturals.

—I’ll try, Jimmy, said Deco. —It’s just ——I’m ready, know wha’ I mean?

Jimmy nodded.

—There’s somethin’ in me tryin’ to get ou’, know wha’ I mean?

—I know, said Jimmy. —Take it easy though, okay?

—Okay.

—Fuckin’ eejit, said Jimmy. (To himself.)

—Brothers and Sisters, said Joey The Lips at about three. —We have done the good work tonight. Would you all form a circle here, please? You too, Jimmy.

They were too tired to object. They made a circle and, without being told to, held hands.

—Good, said Joey The Lips. —Now drop hands.

They did this.

—Turn right.

They did this too. They were still a circle. Each of them was looking at a back. Joey The Lips was in the circle too. He lifted both his hands.

—Now, Brothers and Sisters, we pat ourselves on the back for a job well done.

They laughed as they patted.

* * *

It was the next rehearsal.

—Okay, James, my man, said Joey The Lips. —Take us there.

James looked around. Everyone was at battle stations. He started.

—DUM—DUMDUM—

Joey The Lips pointed to Billy.

—CLAH—CLAHCLAH—

To Derek.

—THUM—THUMTHUM—

Once Derek was in James could be a bit more adventurous. He went along with the girls.

—UUH — UUH — UUH —
UUH —UUH —
  UUH —UUH —UUH ——

Joey The Lips clicked his fingers. Outspan was off.

—CHI—CHICHI—

Then Deco started to sing.

—AS I WALK THIS LAND

O’ BROKE —
EN DREE—EE—EAMS——

It was going well, no mistakes.

Deco would have to be spoken to again. He’d started spinning the mike over his head.

The girls were good. Their step was simple; one step right, then back, then right again. They moved together. And they looked well, about the same height and size. Natalie clapped her hands, shook her head, bared her teeth.

Most of the other Commitments looked comfortable enough.

Dean looked petrified.

—I’LL BE SEARCHIN’ EVERYWHERE—
JUST TO FIND SOMEONE TO CARE—
I’VE BEEN LOOKIN’ EVERY DAY—
I KNOW I’M GOIN’ TO FIND A WAY—
NOTHIN’S GOIN’ TO STOP ME NOW—
I WILL FIND A WAY SOMEHOW ———

They all stopped. The record faded quickly there. They didn’t know how they were going to end it.