The Bare Necessities (Non-Profane Edition) (14 page)

Andre gulped.
“Pull the rug? You mean …”

“I mean
liquidated. Exterminated. Erased. Deleted. Discarded. Ended.” Greg
rubbed his eyes. “Sorry.”

“But that's four
weeks. A lot can happen in four weeks,” Andre suggested
optimistically, but his voice quivered as he spoke.

* *
* * *

“Hello Caterham,”
the naked Paige cried into the microphone and her voice
reverberated around the grounds of the rural, village pub. Claire
had got a phone call from the landlord of the Jolly Roger offering
the band “a set” at a pub run by his brother-in-law a few miles
away in the countryside and the band had leapt at the
opportunity.

It was a splendid
evening, and the “stage” had been set up in the beer garden. She
recognised a few of the attendees from the first night in Croydon
and smiled. In the audience was Hazel, armed with her digital
camera, and she had convinced her partners-in-crime to strip
also.

Jack put up the
most resistance, but when it was shown that behind his keyboard,
his assets could not be seen and that he could have a dressing gown
for interval, his resolve wavered. When Paige jokingly offered a
second kiss on the cheek for a naked performance, with the
possibility of further kisses, the reticent man conceded, if he got
paid in advance.

“I'm thinking you
are enjoying those kisses too much,” Claire teased him and he
blushed. Paige hurried him into removing his clothes and there was
no doubt, from the cries and whoops, that the women in the audience
appreciated Jack's body. His well-defined muscles and boyish look
was adored by the ladies, and he got a bigger cheer when he was
introduced than either Claire or Paige managed.

Paige found her
rhythm immediately, singing well from the start and adding energy
and passion into every lyric. She had the crowd on their feet
several times throughout the show, and as the sun set below the
horizon, they took an interval so the patio heaters could be
lit.

The second half of
the show had Hazel clearly in tears as Paige sang her signature
Don't Leave Me, and as they finished their collection of songs, the
audience demanded an encore.

Paige blushed as
they got a standing ovation and looked at her band mates. “What
song?” She asked the crowd. “We'll do two more, which songs?”

“Don't Hate Us,” a
voice cried.

“Sweet Love,” said
another.

“Hot N Cold!”

“None of yours,”
Jack teased and Paige poked her tongue out at him.

She spoke into the
microphone before the audience could suggest any more, before
turning to her bandmates. “If we ever release our music, guess
these are the best three,” she joked and then gave Claire the
signal to start the introduction to Don't Hate Us.

They finished
their two hour gig as the garden became chilly and even Paige was
grateful when she was able to reach for her clothes to get
dressed.

“Wonderful,
Wonderful,” cried the landlord as they loaded their equipment into
their car. “I never believed him when Terry said you were good, but
we've been full all night.”

Paige smiled.
“Could we play here again, later in the summer?” She asked. “It's a
great venue.”

He nodded. “But in
the summer, right?”

“Of course,” Paige
replied with a smile. “Although, naked in the snow. Has a good ring
to it.”

“Most definitely
not,” Jack said firmly and Paige giggled.

“Three kisses for
snow?” Paige asked, and Jack shook his head.

“But I'll take
another two.”

Paige glanced over
at Hazel watching her from a table, and gave her friend a kiss on
both cheeks. “Thank you,” she whispered into his ear. “You enjoy
it?”

“In a weird way,
yes.”

“I promised you
that you would!” Jack gave all three girls a lift back to the city
and dropped the sisters off outside their flat. Hazel passed her
camera to her sister as they entered their room and they started
looking through the pictures on the laptop.

Many of the images
were of the band, clearly naked, and Paige smiled at her nude body.
“Hey, I don't look too bad, do I?”

“No,” Hazel
admitted. She flicked onto the next picture and scowled.

“Who's this
guy.”

“Oh crap. I meant
to mention it,” Hazel muttered. “Look under his jacket, he was
looking odd, and I saw it. It's a video camera.”

“Oh … oh well …
what's the worst that can happen?” Paige squinted at the young man
in the picture. “Just don’t tell Jack, he’ll freak.”

“Sure,” Hazel muttered, but Paige stared at the
man on the screen; what did he want a naked video of her for?

1. Chapter
   XI
   

“Sorry, didn't
recognise you with your clothes on,” Claire teased as Jack kissed
her on the cheek. She had been called into work due to sickness,
and Jack had arranged to meet her in the eaterie after the
lunchtime rush to coincide with Claire's “lunch” break.

“Pah,” Jack told
her. “Was a good gig. Landlord seemed proper happy.”

“Was cool. I got a
couple of phone calls yesterday. One from an agent who wants to
meet us and another from Jolly Roger again. Wants to know if we can
go back as so many of his regulars are asking after us.”

Jack chortled.
“It's fun, isn't it. Why an agent, by the way?”

Claire sighed.
“That's what I need to speak to you about. Paige knows, well she
guessed, but she doesn't care. You, I don't know.”

“What?”

“Give me your
phone.”

“Why?”

“'Cause I have no
data on mine. Or credit. Or battery. Or … it's useless,” Claire
moaned, and she navigated Jack's expensive smartphone to YouTube
and then a video entitled “Naked Band – Bare Necessities – Part
One.”

“Christ!” Jack
cried, and Claire apologised to the manager on his behalf. “How the
hell did this get on here,” he hissed.

“Paige's sister,
she took some photos, and we have a photo of the guy who took it,
but …”

“Can we get it
taken down? I mean, I am naked on the Internet!”

A few heads turned
to look at Jack, and Claire apologised again for his outburst. “I
don't know,” Claire whispered. “And don't read the comments, some
of them are nasty. Jealousy I reckon. But our download numbers are
very good. We are getting popular.”

“For the wrong
reasons. The Naked Band. That's what we are, a naked band. Not a
great band, or an entertaining band. It's not about the music, it's
about our clothing. Or complete lack of it.”

“So what?” Claire
muttered. “They are listening to our sound at the same time as
watching us. That's good, right?”

“It's … awful,”
Jack replied. “I should never have let you talk me into it.”

“It was Paige,”
Claire reminded him with a giggle. “And you did it because you like
her and she offered kisses for you adhering to her naturist
principles. And you liked doing it naked. So what, we are recorded
starkers. Does it really matter?”

“This isn't funny.
If my parents see this, I am a dead man.”

Claire shrugged.
“It's been the best advert we could hope for,” she told him in a
dismissive voice. “They might find that you are one of the most
popular musicians on YouTube as the Bare Necessities.”

Jack snorted, and
Claire was called back to work. “I'll ring you later,” Jack
promised her and watched as she returned behind the counter at the
upmarket delicatessen. He finished his drink and got up, tripping
over a bag and looking to see the face of his sister, smiling back
at him.

“Hiya Jack. Care
to walk with me?”

“Sure.”

“So, you screwing
that cheap slut?”

“What?” Jack asked
as he closed the door to the deli.

“Are you scewing
her? It's twice you've met now, and she seems nice enough.”

“No I am not,”
Jack replied. “And I know her, she's …”

“The daughter of
the maid. Don't you think you could aim a little higher? Or is she
just easy?”

“She's … actually
this is none of your business, Harriet.”

“True,” Harriet
replied and shook her hair back into place. “But it is Mum and
Dad's. Not to mention the Naked Band.”

“What Naked
Band?”

“Oh brother, you
really must learn to be more discreet. Everyone could hear you. So
I searched the Internet for Naked Band and The Bare Necessities,
and it came up with a video of some other cheap harlot naked, that
floosie and my brother. Now what would my brother be doing naked
with two girls?”

“OK, we made some
music,” Jack admitted. “And played it naked. It's a one-off, that's
why it was filmed.”

“Don't believe
you,” Harriet sang.

“OK. Well it's
ended now anyway,” Jack lied.

“So I can tell Mum
and Dad?”

“I'd rather you
didn't,” Jack asked, but Harriet cackled and rubbed her hands with
glee.

“I know it's not
over, as you were talking to her about it.” Harriet sneered at her
brother. “Don't lie to me.” Jack sighed as Harriet theatrically
thought out loud. “The thing is, why shouldn't I tell Mum and Dad
what you have been doing? Harming our good family name.”

“Because I don't
want you to,” Jack replied and put his hands in his pockets as they
ambled down the private road.

“You don't want me
to,” Harriet repeated with glee. “But you agree it is my choice
whether I tell them.”

“It is your
choice,” Jack conceded, and Harriet gave a grin. “But as your
brother I would rather you didn't.” He glared at his skipping
sister. “And I know about some of your secrets,” he warned.

“I don't have any
secrets,” Harriet told him angrily. “But I'll be in touch,” she
promised. “I'll tell you what I want when I've thought about it. My
silence is very expensive.”

“Oi,” Jack moaned.
“I keep your secrets,” he repeated. “And I don't expect
anything.”

“Yeah, but when
you are bringing people like … them … into our lives then it's
different. Dad'll go mental when he finds out. You, and those cheap
girls. He'd be so embarrassed.”

* *
* * *

“Why?” Jack asked,
and Paige gestured wildly.

“Because … we look
fantastic. The sun setting and the trees and stuff. We look
awesome.”

“But we are
naked,” Jack replied. “I am really not sure about this.”

“Yes. Because we
are the Bare Necessities. Look, we are naked on the video. OK, that
going on the 'net wasn't up to me, but we are still naked. What
difference do some pictures make?”

“Because they are
very high resolution,” Jack replied and zoomed in on Paige. “Look,
I can see your nipples in such detail.”

“So what! Who
wants to do that? There are millions, maybe billions of pictures
with exposed knockers. Who would care about mine?”

Jack sighed as his
eyes lingered on the close up of the photograph. He was clearly
visible in the background, and he shook his head. “You have no
idea,” he said firmly and took a deep breath. “I'm sorry, I really
can't do the naked thing any more,” he said. “My sister knows, and
I reckon my parents will find out.”

Paige gulped and
her eyes narrowed. “I thought we sorted this,” Paige thundered and
crossed her arms. “All those recording sessions when you would be
all scared, do it and then say it was good to be naked. I thought
you were happy to be nude when we played music?”

“I am.”

“Then why the
problem?” Paige asked aggressively. “You're eighteen.”

“It's not easy,”
he said loudly. “You don't know them. They would go crazy if they
knew.”

“I don't care,”
Paige shouted back across the studio. “You said you are happy doing
it this way. You said you liked it, was that a lie?”

“No!”

“Then so what if
they find out?”

“It's so easy for
you, you don't have this problem! They would go mental at me.”

“And do what?”

Jack gulped and
shook his head. “I don't know. I just know, you don't cross my
parents. They'll just go crazy if they know I've been making music
without my clothes on. Or in public. I just, can't think of
anything worse.”

Paige snorted. “OK
then. I will go and tell them that I am pregnant by you.” Jack's
eyes widened. “Or would that be worse?”

“Paige,” Jack
pleaded. “You can't be pregnant because … well …” He gestured
embarrassedly at his friend.

“Because we ain't
had sex,” Paige spat. “Why so embarrassed about it? But, OK, I go
tell them I am pregnant. And I want to keep it and will call it
either Leroy or Kylie, say.” Jack shook his head as Paige hummed.
“And if I have a bottle of booze in my hand. Then you will see
mental. And then tell them that's not true, I just make music with
you. Then it won't seem as bad! They might be quite relieved that
it's just music your making with me, and not babies.”

“Paige,” Claire
called. “Leave him alone.”

“You need to grow
a pair,” Paige shouted at the keyboardist. “Tell them that this is
what you do whether they like it or not. They'll still love you
even if they don't.”

“Yeah well, it's
not as easy as it sounds,” Jack moaned. “They aren't like your
families. They are more …”

“More what?” Paige
asked with scowl

“Well, we don't go
for the naked thing. They like to remain respectable. They are
decent people.”

“Respectable?
Decent?” Paige thundered and grabbed her coat from the chair. “So
this it, I like to be naked because I am some cheap, gutter, alley
cat. Is that it?”

“No,” Jack cried,
but Paige's eyes narrowed. “I didn’t say that.”

“Is that what you
think of me?” Jack gulped and shook his head, but Paige didn't wait
for an answer as she stormed out of the little studio.

“Call me when you
grow a pair,” Paige shouted over her shoulder as she departed.

* *
* * *

“Who are you going
to see?” Greg asked as he looked over the shoulder of his
nephew.